Sueby

I don't post much, but the past few days have been it for me. I currently don't live with my AH, we have houses down the street from each other (2-3 mins max) and all of our kids are grown now. I have stuck around and supported him from a far and thought I could do that. It turns out I can not do that any longer and I just want to get it all off my chest, so excuse this if it doesn't make sense at times due to my wanting to blurt it all out.

He is always drunk at Christmas, it's a given that we all know will happen and always does. He never attends dinner or opening of gifts then proceeds to complain how we don't include him in anything. Our youngest went to see if he wanted to come a half hour before dinner, but said AH didn't even know he was there despite talking to him. We had a beautiful dinner nonetheless, best one we've had in a couple of years actually. When I got home later that night, a drunk AH landed on my doorstep having driven himself down. I took him home and told him not to drive, but couldn't manage to get the keys from him. One of our sons came and drove his truck back home. I blocked him on my phone so he couldn't bug me. He again landed on my doorstep the next day, hung over and whining about missing Christmas and that no one told him it was on Saturday... I again took him home and called my oldest to come take his truck back home. I got a couple of days peace after that, which was much needed.

Fast forward to the 29th and he is sober and preaching how great life is. Only now do I realize that he wasn't "totally" sober and was hiding his drinking. I should have guessed because he wasn't bugging me to come visit him, which is a sure sign of him drinking so he doesn't have to hide it. New Year's Day I planned a dinner for 2 of my sons and AH chose to attend this one (other kids had previous plans). We ate and it was nice, good conversation and laughs. No sooner had the boys left than AH was in my fridge and grabbed some wine coolers he had noticed that a friend left (summer of 2020!!) and wanted them. I pointed out he wasn't drinking and he got snarky, I said do what you want, threw them in the bag with a plate of food for son that lives with him and said "enjoy". He left and didn't hear from him the next day-which was again very nice!

So that brings us to last night. AH drives himself down to my place (can't call me, still blocked) and I told him to leave and don't come back, that I've had enough of this BS. He got snippy again and stormed out the door. Just then I noticed our oldest son drive by and who turned around to see what was up. He ended up following AH home and made sure he got inside ok as he wouldn't stop the truck when he tried to get him to. AH was already on the road by the time son got turned around, but did tell me later he called our local detachment who said they couldn't do anything because they didn't observe him driving and he was now inside his home. Basically let him sleep it off and he'll be "ok" tomorrow.

And then this morning. I heard this nails on a chalkboard type scrapping sound coming down the road. I figured it snowed (hadn't looked outside yet) and it was probably a plough. Nope, it was AH drunker than drunk driving his truck with two flat rear tires. Apparently my son took the valve stems out of the rear tires thinking he wouldn't be able to pump them up to drive, which was not the case. He wasn't aware that they were even flat. I managed to get him into my car, he was belligerent and mean and made the 2 min drive home feel like an hour. I am now waiting for a tow truck to come get his truck and dump it back in his yard.

I am done, he will not stop drinking and it is getting so much worse. I have alerted the police that he is drinking and driving, as well as his preferred spot to go to buy liquor. I'm aware that the first words out of the cop's mouth should they catch him will be "your wife called us and told us you were drinking", and frankly I do not care.

Our son that lives with him, moved in with my oldest this morning to get away from it, he said he can't do it any longer. The disrupted sleep, bugging him to get him liquor and screaming at all hours has taken its toll. He was going to come here, but he said AH is so close that he's not comfortable staying here. AH has literally blown through all his friends, money, lost his job and does not care about any of it. Which is why he keeps ending up on my doorstep all the time. I'm not sure how to stop that from happening, but I'll figure it out.

So I guess the moral of my story is I learned (FINALLY) that I need to walk away and be at peace with all the efforts I've made to help him. I always knew it was up to him, but was always there to pick him up, which served absolutely no one. Thank you for reading and I hope it wasn't too convoluted to get through!

trailmix

Wow, that certainly sounds like a busy few days with an alcoholic.

Yes, the helping isn't really helping. You may have had great intentions, but really you are just a buddy he can visit now when he's drunk. Which he will be whether you are there to get his truck home or not.

Perhaps at this point telling him he can't come over anymore would be best for you?

Sueby

I did tell him not to come to my place anymore, but as he's drunk I doubt he will remember and at some point I'll have to say it again. And probably again... The best of intentions was merely me trying to hold on to something that was long gone. I knew better but didn't have the courage to come right out and say it's over for good - mostly because I dreaded the fall out more than the relationship ending. I may have to explore not working from home for a bit, it makes me more 'accessible'.

It's funny you said a buddy, I just told a friend that I've been his caretake for the last couple of years. It's not a title I want to hold any longer.

Thanks trailmix!