Payne9

So I’ve been doing really good with knowing I can’t be with my ex bf. I decided to see him on Sunday to give him his Christmas present that came, still working on me because I could of mailed it . But anyway , I went over to his house. I made sure to not go in the living room and sit down, I still have feelings for him so i don’t trust myself completely yet. Well we start talking and he’s nice and he’s wearing the hoodie I always wore of his . We started talking and my emotions got the best of me, I told him how he hurt me and then he got pissed, threw his hat and told me how I hurt him and he was screaming . I just put my head down and asked him to calm down. He hurried over to me and asked can he touch me , hug me etc. he was telling me to look at him... Usually I’d be excited , because he is actually feeling something. But I just felt sad for him, me and us. He whispered that him and I just love hard . As he was hugging me I almost felt like being with him. He told me he loves me and misses me . But wishes we met at a different time in our lives. I agreed. I asked him if he was happier now , he just stared at me , so I knew the answer. I almost fell for his stare, I kissed his cheek and smelled beer. I asked him about his drinking , he said “ it’s okay “ I asked him how much and he said “ more than he’d like”. I felt bad for him. But I know for a fact I can’t be in a relationship with him. My therapist and my best friend helped me delete his number( I’m pretty addicted to him) . I know I need to move on. This hasn’t been really easy . I guess I needed to know he cared , that he was hurting too . But that’s unhealthy of me too . In a weird way I’m glad he yelled at me because it confirmed to me how up and down he is . I’ll miss him .

trailmix

I think you handled that as well as can be expected. Still the same conclusions.

Yelling at you like that is rather horrible, but you know him, that's him.

I'm really sorry this worked out that way, I'm also sorry he is an alcoholic.

You are going to be ok, I know it's all very hurtful, but you have a good clarity and grasp on all this, it will take time to heal though.

Payne9

Thank you . This is definitely harder than I thought. I know I’ll never be okay with his drinking, I keep wondering if we can be friends but I doubt it because of the feelings there. I just can’t have an alcoholic in my kids life. Blocking and deleting him seems so harsh but I have to because I get the urge to check up on him all the time . Ugh!!

trailmix

Blocking him is a good idea.

When you get the urge to check up on him, what does that mean to you? To see what he's doing, to see if he's ok?

Payne9

Yea to make sure he’s alive. He used to say he wanted to die or if he never met me he’d be dead. So it messes with me . He has so many health issues already at 37...With as much as he drinks , I’d be surprised he lives a long life . As mean as he’s been , I still love him . I know if he ever were to be sober for a long time I’d be with him in a heartbeat but I know that’s up to him and as of right now he isn’t ready .

trailmix

Yes, he has lots of health struggles now and yes, he drinks too much, but you knowing all that (if you were to check up on him) doesn't help anyone because you can't help him, as sad as that is.

I think you can safely assume he is carrying on much as he always has. That might help ease your mind a bit.

PeacefulWater12

Being realistic, even if he did quit alcohol he would have an incredible amount of work to do on his abusive character traits.

Glad you can see that you are addicted to him and the rollercoaster of chemicals his behaviours cause in you.That you have your therapist and friend to help you.

Ah well, you touched the stove and it was still hot. I relate to that. I did that too, a number of times! They are "nice" until you say something they don't quite like, then boom the attack is launched.

My AH used to tell me he would die without me too, I think it is in the Alcoholics B/S Guide Book they all seem to use.

Payne9

Yes his yelling is very abusive. Also he’s hot and cold , he’s the one that broke it off , but I had broken it off a few days prior .. that rollercoaster is addictive and so unhealthy. I’m just proud I left without doing something I’d regret , like be intimate. We broke up a month ago and this is the second time we’ve seen each other . First time was to get my things. This time tho I’m sure it was I just wanted to see him . After seeing him I realized Yea I cant be around him right now. Him yelling and then hugging on me , had me almost sucked back into the drama.
It is crazy the more I read on here , a lot of alcoholics do and say the same things.