Highs and low of new relationship

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Old 12-22-2021, 11:09 AM
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Highs and low of new relationship

15 months ago I fell for a wonderful man who i soon learned was very complex. At that point he was 3 months newly sober form alcohol. I found out he had chronic back pain and the Dr was trying him on various pain killers including opiates. He was also depressed. The history of his addiction seems to be a variety of things. His dad used to cheat on his mum and as a child he was made to lie. He got married in his very early 20s and had 2 daughters. His wife was a drinker and he found her in bed with a neighbour. His world fell apart he drove to live where his mum dad and brother lived. He tried to see his children but the ex wife was making it too hard so he gave up. For 11 years he didn't see the kids. Started a new life. He spent 5 years with someone. They broke up due to her cheating. Then his next relationship was an 8 year relationship. This woman he shared a home and dogs with. Both had careers but they seemed to always be doing their own thing. He spent thousands on her and their house. They did a fair few holidays together with her family. The relationship revolved around drink. Holidays were about drinking in a group. Evenings were about wine. Meals out were about the alcohol. They drank daily. Only for him when he did his back in he began excessively drinking. It became a huge problem. She continued to drink but steered towards her friends and career. She was away 4 or 5 weeks of the year on holidays with friends. Weekends she had plans with friends. My boyfriend said he was lonely and felt he came after her career and friends. She never was interested in making plans with him. He began messaging a couple of other women. She noticed. Went through his phone. Rows began. She was addicted to social media apparently and on every app going. He hated this and felt rubbish. Eventually they split. He had a fling with an old school friend a few weeks later. He regretted it but his ex was done. She didn't want him back. They lived together for 9 months angry and ignoring eachother. Sleeping apart and didn't even make the other a drink. Then in December 2019 he found a place to rent. His drinking was bad. For some reason she helped him set up his new house. He put photos of them on the walls. She started calling in for a cuppa. They became friendly. But they never got back together. He drank for 8 months and then in August 2020 he tried to take his own life. He text her to say goodbye. She called an ambulance. He never drank another drop of drink again.

When he came out of hospital he began working again. He met me. I fell for him without knowing his history. From November 2020 until march 2021 we chatted and got to know eachother. We had strong feelings. But the relationship didn't progress. In that time we had some wobbles. He snapped verbally a few times. From March until July this year he has been up and down with Me. In and out my life. Wants to talk and declared feelings but we just couldn't stay on track. He seemed easily wound up and irrational with his words.

He contacted me in July and I was wary. My fears were that he was going to just continue this pattern. One thing in particular was his ex. She was mentioned alot. They were still friends and I didn't like it. I felt like emotionally they were not done and it gave me the I've. Even though they no longer Met up it felt like I was in her shadow. But this time something was different. He talked. He spoke about the councilling he had after her. He opened up about how frightened he was to let someone in. He was frightened he hadn't got enough to offer. He was getting close to me and it scared him. But he told me his feelings just wouldn't fade. He told me he wanted us and 110% was what he was giving it if I said yes. So I did. We met up and had sex for the first time. For the last 5 months we've been spending alot of time together. We are in love and care for one another alot.

The reason I'm writing is sometimes he had these really off episodes. He suddenly finds a fault in me. He starts yelling. Hanging up calls. Blocking me. Panicking that he may aswel loose me now instead of later. He can be so so horrid with words. But within hours or a day he suddenly wants to talk.or he calms down. The last few weeks he's been particularly difficult. At the weekend he was awful to me. I questioned him on this contact with his ex and it blew his mood off. He said some horrible things and blocked me on everything platform going. I was absolutely shocked. Then the next day he unblocked me and asked me to go and talk. He has expressed that he struggles so much sometimes and stuff comes out he doesn't mean. He was broken in his face. He looked pained when I went round. I've never seen him look so broken. I stayed for 3 days and the spark came back into him.

The thing is 95% of the time he's lovely. He's funny. He's kind. He Cooks etc. We have alot of love for eachother. But these episodes are difficult. I get so confused with what's happening. What's bothering him. What is troubling him with his ex etc.

I'm so sorry this is long. But I would love to talk this through.
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Old 12-22-2021, 11:24 AM
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Sorry for what brings you here. A relationship with someone newly sober and possibly dealing with pain pills and depression is bound to be difficult.
Originally Posted by Strawbz11 View Post
The thing is 95% of the time he's lovely. He's funny. He's kind.
Two lines for how great things are, the four paragraphs preceding it on how bad and confusing this relationship is. I think 95% lovely is an exaggeration. Go back and read the first four paragraphs as if someone you knew, perhaps a close friend or family member, wrote and asked you what you think. What would you say?
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Old 12-22-2021, 11:31 AM
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I find most people to be complex in that each of us faces unique and defining experiences throughout our lives, positive, negative, and neutral, and our responses to these, based on our childhood emotional and personality development, can define how we choose to react or not react to triggers.

It sounds as if this person is relatively fresh to sobriety and recovery (3 months is brand new baby new), and it also sounds as if, like many of us at SR, he has quite a bit of self - reflection and work to do around influences in his family of origin and youth on his emotional development, personality development, attachment style, all of it. Until he's able to work on these things (concurrent with continual work on recovery), a meaningful relationship is going to be a really big ask.

So big an ask actually, to work on both recovery and healing these traumas, that it might be very difficult for him and he may backslide out of recovery. It seems he's barely holding it all together right now.
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Old 12-22-2021, 11:40 AM
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Straw...frankly, it sounds, to me, like you are in an abusive and disrespectful relationship. What do you think?
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Old 12-22-2021, 11:54 AM
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Welcome to SR, Strawbz. To be honest, it doesn't sound like he is relationship material at this point. He has scads of problematic issues in addition to addiction. He seems to be hung up on his ex, he has attempted suicide, he runs hot and cold with you...saying he wants a relationship, then getting upset and blocking you on social media, then coming back the next day wanting to talk. Frankly, it doesn't sound like he knows what he wants. These things are all huge red flags, and that's before you even add in the addiction.

I agree with doggonecarl that you should look at what all you wrote and, taking the emotion out of it, decide what you would tell someone you care about if she were in that situation.
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Old 12-22-2021, 11:55 AM
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I'll be honestly that it felt extremely emotionally abusive, particularly at the weekend. I think I understand to an extent that he is still figuring stuff out. I'm all he has. But he has bonded with me and I've bonded with him. If feel particularly unsure about the truth around his ex and how he feels towards her. I know he can talk and opens up to me. That's something he's been unable to do with anyone else. I'm an empathic person. The last 3 days our relationship has been loving. Warm. Caring. He's apologised for the things he said. I did tell him he needs to find a way to request space when he's struggling and not to just cut me off with abusive words. I'm not sure what else he can do in regards to this. He needs to untangle stuff in his head. The thing is we have alot of love between us and we've laughed and talked and shared alot. But I'm very aware that these outbursts could wreck my happiness long term.

I guess I want to know if this is common in ex drinkers a year in. But also if its likely he's grieving the ex? Do people reflect on the people they lost whilst drinking? He doesn't seem to hold much happiness around his ex but still holds on to her friendship
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Old 12-22-2021, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Strawbz11 View Post
I'll be honestly that it felt extremely emotionally abusive, particularly at the weekend. I think I understand to an extent that he is still figuring stuff out. I'm all he has. But he has bonded with me and I've bonded with him. If feel particularly unsure about the truth around his ex and how he feels towards her. I know he can talk and opens up to me. That's something he's been unable to do with anyone else. I'm an empathic person. The last 3 days our relationship has been loving. Warm. Caring. He's apologised for the things he said. I did tell him he needs to find a way to request space when he's struggling and not to just cut me off with abusive words. I'm not sure what else he can do in regards to this. He needs to untangle stuff in his head. The thing is we have alot of love between us and we've laughed and talked and shared alot. But I'm very aware that these outbursts could wreck my happiness long term.

I guess I want to know if this is common in ex drinkers a year in. But also if its likely he's grieving the ex? Do people reflect on the people they lost whilst drinking? He doesn't seem to hold much happiness around his ex but still holds on to her friendship
I'd agree with you that this is extremely emotionally abusive. It's very common for alcoholics and addicts to attract empathetic, highly sensitive people, and whether consciously or unconsciously, take advantage of codepedents' willingness to enable.

You've expressed your intuition, that this will have an effect on your future happiness -- go with it. Otherwise these scenarios will play out and repeat, and you will be even further confused and enmeshed.

Take a look at codependency, trauma bonding, and attachment styles.
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Old 12-22-2021, 12:37 PM
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Not everyone we meet is relationship material. It sounds like he has a great deal to figure out and work through. Trying to do that while also trying to meet the needs of another person in a relationship is often a recipe for disaster.

You have to ask yourself if this is what you want right now. Assume it will also be like this. Is this what you want and deserve?
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Old 12-22-2021, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by Strawbz11 View Post
I guess I want to know if this is common in ex drinkers a year in. But also if its likely he's grieving the ex? Do people reflect on the people they lost whilst drinking? He doesn't seem to hold much happiness around his ex but still holds on to her friendship
Yes, this is common in alcoholics/addicts who have not had treatment, it's pretty classic alcoholic behaviour really. If he is not addressing what got him here in the first place, then this will continue. There is sobriety and there is recovery, two very different things.

The "ex" thing, well that's just one of his issues.

This is abusive.

Always remember you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).






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Old 12-22-2021, 01:07 PM
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Sabotaging relationships is common among people who aren't ready for relationships.


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Old 12-22-2021, 04:30 PM
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I, also suggest that:

1. Read "Co-dependent No More". It is the most recommended book on this forum. It is an easy read and a lot will resonate with you, I predict.
2. Google and read about "Trauma Bonding".
3 Read"Why Does He Do That"?
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Old 12-22-2021, 10:50 PM
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Glad you are sharing and processing your thoughts.

I relate, I was in a Trauma Bond with my AH and I could not see how abusive and toxic our relationship was.

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Old 12-23-2021, 01:19 AM
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Also remember that these are his accounts of what happened in his past relationships. He is going to tell you what he wants you to know about them. You know how some guys are.. oh that ex was crazy and the other was never happy with me.. so on. Typically there is a reason. He is the common denominator.

Coming from someone that has been in a relationship with an A for 14 years, it does not get better. My AH had some childhood trauma and then undiagnosed depression and anxiety that I am certain is the reason for his drinking. When we first met and he told me these things, I thought I could be his savior. Turns out he didn’t want to be saved.

I completely understand that it is sooo difficult to make the right decision when the heart is involved. I have my good days with my AH and that just makes it more difficult to pick up and leave.

But if I can be frank, run as fast as you can and don’t look back. His mental health issues, addictions, etc are his to deal with. You cannot save him or guide him to doing better for himself.
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Old 12-23-2021, 01:56 AM
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Just to add what really helped me was for me to learn about alcoholism.

I came from generations of alcoholism, married an alcoholic but I did not understand how it works.

This was a real game changer and help to me. You mention he is very "complex", I politely say that it isn't, he is a bog standard alcoholic. They all do the same stuff. Once I saw this, I couldn't unsee it and it helped me enormously.

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Old 12-23-2021, 05:39 AM
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Thank you for the replies. I know that he was not always the victim. Particularly in his last relationship. Yes he was lonely. But he shouldn't have been tempted to text other women when he had a partner. Even if they were on the rocks. He never truly wanted to loose her and that shows through the guilt and friendship they hold onto. We've had many disagreements over his ex. Not because I think he will go back to her. But because he has stayed tied to her and its been 3 years in March and he's still touching base with her. I can sense that something keeps them in contact. I think it's some sort of emotion about the fact they shared 8 years together. But it can't have been very happy particularly towards the last couple of years.

I wish I did understand alcoholics in recovery. What sort of feelings and emotions come out and what patterns do they fall into. He's not getting any therapy. Maybe I'm nieve but I just thought he's stopped drinking and got his life back on track. I can tell though that he's very alone in a family sense. Friendships he's made since being sober (he has a rented house on a poor council estate) seem to always be with ex drinkers, ex drug takers or just people who are not genuine. He tries to see the good in people. We joke I'm a goodie two shoes. I'm 15 years younger. Had a sheltered normal life. I have no mental health issues and I've always been sensible. I have plenty of men my own age who want to take me out or chat to me and I always turn them down because he's got my heart. Even when I can see what I could have with them. More fun..less drama. More consistency. I still want him. I have considered maybe i need therapy. I need someone to say for sure if it's genuine. If his behaviours fair. If his attitude is fair. What's going on with his ex. Why has he lost touch with everyone. Why does he get so mad. I can certainly see my part. I went through a stage of questioning him. I overdid it. Because he was extremely low. His back was screaming. His ex was making digs at me. I needed reassurance. I started texting him to ask if he was OK alot. I poured out my fears about his ex. I told him I didn't understand why they text. Then block eachother. Then a month later they talk again. I asked if they need a heart to heart. If they could make it work again. I told him.she wasn't over it base on how she reacted to me. That's the thing. There is so much stuff.

I believe he didn't think he wanted anyone else even 18 months after they split. He wasn't expecting to meet me. He ran off when he got those feelings. But I think he realised that he could talk to me and I didn't judge. He has gotten close to me and I think he wasn't expecting it. But he's decided to see how he goes and give us a chance and try and move on from the woman he didn't get over easily. But is that fair on me?

I wa t to understand his condition so much more than I do.

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Old 12-23-2021, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by Strengthneeded View Post
Also remember that these are his accounts of what happened in his past relationships. He is going to tell you what he wants you to know about them. You know how some guys are.. oh that ex was crazy and the other was never happy with me.. so on. Typically there is a reason. He is the common denominator.

Coming from someone that has been in a relationship with an A for 14 years, it does not get better. My AH had some childhood trauma and then undiagnosed depression and anxiety that I am certain is the reason for his drinking. When we first met and he told me these things, I thought I could be his savior. Turns out he didn’t want to be saved.

I completely understand that it is sooo difficult to make the right decision when the heart is involved. I have my good days with my AH and that just makes it more difficult to pick up and leave.

But if I can be frank, run as fast as you can and don’t look back. His mental health issues, addictions, etc are his to deal with. You cannot save him or guide him to doing better for himself.
Totally agree with this—his story about his victimhood sound like a highly-biased version of what he thinks you want to hear. Very common strategy, but pretty obvious in light of his behavior more recently with last ex and you that it isn’t accurate.

Look at actions, not words—most especially with addicts.
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Old 12-23-2021, 07:25 AM
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In my opinion it sounds like therapy would be a great idea for you. If he isn’t working a program or seeking out ways to be a recovering alcoholic then honestly its just a matter of time before he does drink again. Also I’ve heard a lot of people on here say that technically he is a “dry drunk”. His behaviors sound like that is the case.

What if you told him you really love him and want to take some time to work on yourself (I.e. get some therapy, learn more about co-dependency, etc), how would he respond? You sound so much like I did when I met my AH. It was all about what was best for him, what I could do to make him happy. Now I look back and I’m like well dang when did I worry about my own happiness.

If it’s true love and meant to be then it will be just fine to pull back now and take some time for yourself. I’m sorry that you had to find this site.
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Old 12-23-2021, 07:36 AM
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Hi Strawbz,

I've read through your posts and you dont mention much about his method of quitting. If he is quitting without the proper support or is relying on willpower alone, it's going to be a hard road for him. Worse still, he could end up being a dry drunk. That will mean he wont do much to address the issues that made him drink in the first place and he will maintain the same attributes that he had during his drinking. If you think on it, alcohol for an addict is a solution. It serves it's purpose very well. It takes you away from angst and issues and allows you escape into oblivion. Of course there are consequences but I know for my own part, I ignored or downplayed those consequences to carry on my drinking. The problem with stopping without at the same time addressing the issues that made you choose addiction as a solution is that you will still react adversely to situations as you havent changed your perspective. As far as his behaviour towards his ex, it sounds as though he is still dipping his toe into a past co dependancy and still has a familiarity with a life of addiction that he hasnt been able to move on from. His choice of friendships seem to suggest the same thing. That is a dangerous path to tread for an addict who has quit.

Remember also that addiction is a disease of the self. While it may be useful for you to learn about the subject, you cant do this for him. Further than that, you need to set boundaries and let him know in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate harmful, hurtful or downright abusive behaviour. Now is the time to be brutally honest with yourself and ask yourself if you will stay if his behaviour doesnt move in the right direction...... have an exit strategy if it doesnt.
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Old 12-23-2021, 07:47 AM
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Your post is uncomfortably close to the experience I had with my AEB. Even down to the back pain.

I agree with the assessment of a previous poster that he’s not actually complex. To be honest, he sounds a bit like a narcissist to me. Mix that with alcoholism and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Please stay your sensible self before it’s too late. There are way too many red flags here. In other words - RUN.
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Old 12-23-2021, 11:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Strawbz11 View Post
But he's decided to see how he goes and give us a chance and try and move on from the woman he didn't get over easily. But is that fair on me?
.
No, it's not fair. That's putting the cart before the horse. A healthier way would be for him to get over her and THEN pursue a new relationship. If it was just a friendship, well that might be ok, but that's not what I'm hearing here.

Yes, learning about alcoholism will help you (not him, you can't "fix" him). Recovery looks and "feels" like recovery. Being concerned with others, humble, honest in all things, meeting life on life's terms etc etc.

There is a term with isn't a lovely term but it's called "dry drunk" - try googling that to get an idea of why your boyfriend is acting like he is.
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