Husband has stopped talking to me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 7
Husband has stopped talking to me.
About three weeks ago, for the 20th time I asked my husband if he would work on drinking less or to consider treatment (he drinks daily and in high, high volume). He has possibly not drank 4 days out of the last year. He was hospitalized in June for a grand mal due to his drinking and is back to how much he was drinking then.
Since watching the incident in June, I have struggled with panic for the first time in my life. Please note that I engage in therapy, exercise daily, yoga, practice mindfulness, eat healthy, have a good job, and use all of my supports and then some. But it messed me up quite a bit.
Anyways, I recently asked to address his drinking. I was met with the usual "I'm being irrational, I like to drink, you need to give me more time, anger, sorry you have been unhappy this whole time, I'm a bad person, etc". I like in past felt guilty, hurt, confused but was able to bring myself back to planet earth eventually.
I have told him that I will not keep living like this and that I am not going to change my mind or dismiss my hurt this time because emotionally, I know that if I do this time, my own sanity is at risk. I can't brush it under the rug again or enable this any longer.
Nonetheless, here we are three weeks later, not talking, and he is still drinking daily. He stays in the basement, and I upstairs in the spare bedroom. He has not made any attempt to seek help or address his drinking.
I just needed to vent, to clear my head tonight.
I keep hoping for a magical unicorn to appear. Silly right? It's been 7 years and he has verblized that drinking is what he does and he likes it, and that I am asking him to change himself and that is unfair.
I have decided to give myself permission, that by March if things do not change, I will move out in order to persevere my mental health.
How ******. How heartbreaking. How did I, we get here? I feel like I should have known, that I have known, and blindly, with rosed-colored glasses believed that our life, marriage, home would ease his need to drink. If it wasn't my marriage or loved one, I would've spot this madness a mile away. I would know without a doubt only a person that wants change, will change.
Anyways, thank you for the space to share these thoughts, to untangle the madness.
Since watching the incident in June, I have struggled with panic for the first time in my life. Please note that I engage in therapy, exercise daily, yoga, practice mindfulness, eat healthy, have a good job, and use all of my supports and then some. But it messed me up quite a bit.
Anyways, I recently asked to address his drinking. I was met with the usual "I'm being irrational, I like to drink, you need to give me more time, anger, sorry you have been unhappy this whole time, I'm a bad person, etc". I like in past felt guilty, hurt, confused but was able to bring myself back to planet earth eventually.
I have told him that I will not keep living like this and that I am not going to change my mind or dismiss my hurt this time because emotionally, I know that if I do this time, my own sanity is at risk. I can't brush it under the rug again or enable this any longer.
Nonetheless, here we are three weeks later, not talking, and he is still drinking daily. He stays in the basement, and I upstairs in the spare bedroom. He has not made any attempt to seek help or address his drinking.
I just needed to vent, to clear my head tonight.
I keep hoping for a magical unicorn to appear. Silly right? It's been 7 years and he has verblized that drinking is what he does and he likes it, and that I am asking him to change himself and that is unfair.
I have decided to give myself permission, that by March if things do not change, I will move out in order to persevere my mental health.
How ******. How heartbreaking. How did I, we get here? I feel like I should have known, that I have known, and blindly, with rosed-colored glasses believed that our life, marriage, home would ease his need to drink. If it wasn't my marriage or loved one, I would've spot this madness a mile away. I would know without a doubt only a person that wants change, will change.
Anyways, thank you for the space to share these thoughts, to untangle the madness.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
Originally Posted by Kcmiranda 
I have told him that I will not keep living like this and that I am not going to change my mind or dismiss my hurt this time because emotionally, I know that if I do this time, my own sanity is at risk. I can't brush it under the rug again or enable this any longer.
I'm being irrational, I like to drink, you need to give me more time, anger, sorry you have been unhappy this whole time
He doesn't sound at all, from what you have said, like anyone that is interested in being sober and getting in to recovery.
I know you would like him to revert to a sober person, but even if he does become sober, it can take a year for things to settle for him a year of hard, hard self inventory and healing and then more recovery. He also will not be able to drink again, ever, once a person is addicted to alcohol, there is no turning that back.
What do you want for your life? If it's to be peaceful and happy, well, the choice would be to leave. The other choice is to stay, however you would have to accept his drinking, for your own sanity, you are fighting a losing battle here, which is actually his battle (if he chooses to take it) not yours.
Between now and March gives you ample time for planning where you will live, or whether you will ask him to leave and sort things out for yourself from there (if that's what you choose).
Remember, he's not drinking AT you, he's just drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Sorry for your situation. Yes, ultimately we cannot control others, they either want to get help or not. Sadly, once the addiction gets a hold, it usually becomes the highest priority, at the expense of everyone and everything else.
First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.
As Trailmix mentioned, even recovery becomes a pretty long road, one the alcoholic has to commit to fully in order to recover mentally and emotionally, vs just getting sober and being constantly in a state of discord.
At this point, put the priority on saving yourself. You sound well grounded and while it may not be easy to move on, you can do so and have a good life. There’s always a possibility he will change, but better not to wait around. He certainly won’t as long as there are no negative repercussions for his behavior.
First the man takes a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes the man.
As Trailmix mentioned, even recovery becomes a pretty long road, one the alcoholic has to commit to fully in order to recover mentally and emotionally, vs just getting sober and being constantly in a state of discord.
At this point, put the priority on saving yourself. You sound well grounded and while it may not be easy to move on, you can do so and have a good life. There’s always a possibility he will change, but better not to wait around. He certainly won’t as long as there are no negative repercussions for his behavior.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sorry you are going through this. You stated your boundaries. He gave you a very clear response.
I encourage you to do what is best for you and your best life.
You are asking how you didn't see the madness. I relate to that, with me I needed to go back and work on uncovering and then healing my childhood and the patterns of toxic behaviours I grew up in.. I had repeated my narc/alcoholic parents traits in my choice of spouse.
All the best to you.
I encourage you to do what is best for you and your best life.
You are asking how you didn't see the madness. I relate to that, with me I needed to go back and work on uncovering and then healing my childhood and the patterns of toxic behaviours I grew up in.. I had repeated my narc/alcoholic parents traits in my choice of spouse.
All the best to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2019
Location: Virginia
Posts: 469
Hi KC,
Sorry for what brings you here. I'm sorry to say, we have all here wished there was a magical unicorns out there to fix everything. From the sounds of it he is not wanting to change his ways. He doesn't see his drinking as a problem. To him he has everything under control and you are the problem. You are not the problem, Alcohol is the problem.
You are correct that you can't brush it under the rug. it wont solve the problem and it will just make you sicker. You need to know the Three C's. You didn't Cause it. You can't Control it. You can't Cure it. You have told him several times how you feel about his drinking. It is up to him to decide if he is going to fix his addiction to alcohol. There is nothing more that you can say that will change him.
The way is sounds nothing is going to change between now and March. So you need to do what others above have said and get a plan together. Your happiness needs to come first.
There are a lot of helpful people on this board that want to see your best interest at hand. Reach out to them for strength and their vast wisdom. You can get through this. You are stronger then you know. Keep coming back and be strong.
Sorry for what brings you here. I'm sorry to say, we have all here wished there was a magical unicorns out there to fix everything. From the sounds of it he is not wanting to change his ways. He doesn't see his drinking as a problem. To him he has everything under control and you are the problem. You are not the problem, Alcohol is the problem.
I have told him that I will not keep living like this and that I am not going to change my mind or dismiss my hurt this time because emotionally, I know that if I do this time, my own sanity is at risk. I can't brush it under the rug again or enable this any longer.
The way is sounds nothing is going to change between now and March. So you need to do what others above have said and get a plan together. Your happiness needs to come first.
There are a lot of helpful people on this board that want to see your best interest at hand. Reach out to them for strength and their vast wisdom. You can get through this. You are stronger then you know. Keep coming back and be strong.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Kc.......Isee trhat you are h aving some form of therapy, I sure hope that the person(s) that you see have a good grounding in alcoholism and the effects on the partner---like, special training in this area.
I have some suggestions that can help you between now and March.
1. Read the most recomended book on this forum----"Co-dependent No More". It is any easy read and I think a lot will resonate for you.
2 Find an alanon group for yourself. There, you will reci eve un derstanding beyond mere words. (in addition to any other therapy).
3. I suggest that you leave the man alone, at this point. While it is miserable to be in a home with someone who is not talking to you---he has establlished his position. He is protecting his drinking.
As trailmix pointed out to you---this is actually not about you at all--even thought you feel like it is. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. It is a powerful force inside of HIM.
You can turn yourself into a pretzel, be a perfect wife, keep a perfect household and satisfy his every whim---and it will do nothing to address his alcoholsim. It will just wear you down to a nubbin.
I would like to give a word of caution, here. I have detoxed hundreds of alcoholics, in my own career. Thus, I point out that it is very risky for the alcoholic who is drinking as much as he is and for as long as he has---tring to "cut down" on his own, without being detoxed under direct medical supervision, is very dangerous. It runds the of alcohol withdrawl seizures (which I see that he has al ready had).....and several other dangerous consequences---like DTs (delerium tremens) --you can google this> This is a life threatening condition.
Ideally, detox should take place in a hospital that has a detox unit. You can talk to a doctor and get advice as to where to go.
3. Be careful about stating nyultimatums----unless you can and will carry it out---otherwise, your words wil just ring hollow. He already knows where you stand on the drinking and he hasis stating his case. He is already showing you.
The only thing that you can control, here, are your own decisions and your own actions.
This is not easy stuff--and we all understand that!
****Just so you know---Unicorn sightings are very, very rare.......lol.
I have some suggestions that can help you between now and March.
1. Read the most recomended book on this forum----"Co-dependent No More". It is any easy read and I think a lot will resonate for you.
2 Find an alanon group for yourself. There, you will reci eve un derstanding beyond mere words. (in addition to any other therapy).
3. I suggest that you leave the man alone, at this point. While it is miserable to be in a home with someone who is not talking to you---he has establlished his position. He is protecting his drinking.
As trailmix pointed out to you---this is actually not about you at all--even thought you feel like it is. He drinks because he is an alcoholic. It is a powerful force inside of HIM.
You can turn yourself into a pretzel, be a perfect wife, keep a perfect household and satisfy his every whim---and it will do nothing to address his alcoholsim. It will just wear you down to a nubbin.
I would like to give a word of caution, here. I have detoxed hundreds of alcoholics, in my own career. Thus, I point out that it is very risky for the alcoholic who is drinking as much as he is and for as long as he has---tring to "cut down" on his own, without being detoxed under direct medical supervision, is very dangerous. It runds the of alcohol withdrawl seizures (which I see that he has al ready had).....and several other dangerous consequences---like DTs (delerium tremens) --you can google this> This is a life threatening condition.
Ideally, detox should take place in a hospital that has a detox unit. You can talk to a doctor and get advice as to where to go.
3. Be careful about stating nyultimatums----unless you can and will carry it out---otherwise, your words wil just ring hollow. He already knows where you stand on the drinking and he hasis stating his case. He is already showing you.
The only thing that you can control, here, are your own decisions and your own actions.
This is not easy stuff--and we all understand that!
****Just so you know---Unicorn sightings are very, very rare.......lol.
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