righttheship

This morning, I clicked on a CNN article about Ben Affleck's recent comments about feeling "trapped" in his marriage with Jennifer Garner, and that causing him to drink. I think he's tried to walk back those comments this week, realizing how terrible they sound. Anyways, this CNN article talks about attending therapy with your addict-spouse to help them better communicate (so they develop more effective coping skills, I guess). And my reaction was, "are you kidding me?" When my estranged AH was actively drinking, he was a liar (well, still is), a gaslighter, a finger pointer who denied he even had an alcohol problem. I refused to go to couples therapy with him because I didn't want to shell $250 out of pocket each session to listen to him spin things so I was the problem. I knew it would be another form of abuse. I don't know why this CNN article has ticked me off so much. I guess I hate reading things that suggest "oh well, had you just done this, things wouldn't have gone so badly." But does anyone seriously believe you can have meaningful therapy with an active alcoholic not committed to any kind of recovery?? Isn't the bedrock of therapy honesty? And what person in the throes of addiction is honest??

PeacefulWater12

As I understand it going to therapy WITH an alcoholic/narcissist is like giving them an extra weapon to beat you with.

They will twist and turn it, lie etc in the actual session, make you the problem as you say. That is one issue.

The other issue is that if you open up and share your deepest feelings, they will then use that knowledge against you.

I would have found that article annoying too. It feels invalidating. People who don't know what they are talking about offering dangerous and stupid advice. Would they say go for a picnic at the beach with a violent ex-husband. Just as stupid.

Leftinthedust

During my marriage, I went to couples counseling with my AW 6 times. 4 times she showed up drunk.

Payne9

My ex did couples therapy with me but it was surface stuff. And then he’d use stuff my therapist said and twist it . I’d advise against it when they are active in their crap !

seekingcalm

People who have never experienced a relationship of any kind with an addict/alcoholic just don't get it. I have seen and experienced this time and again. I have had friends question my unconditional love for my alcoholic son because I set boundaries that caused him to cut all contact with me. It hurt so much at the time, but there is no amount of therapy or love that will change an alcoholic's behavior until and only until they themselves want to change more than anything else.
Why I love this site...everyone gets it and I never feel like a bad mom.

flower959

My AH just sprung this "couples therapy" on me this weekend. He said that we're going to couples therapy and I pick the counselor. It was a demand. I told him that I'd add it to my list of things to do but no promises because it was something that I didn't think I'd be able to keep. I have no intentions of doing it, btw. I'm just trying to keep as much peace as possible but that's not much right now.

Amaranth

When my ex AH and I went to counseling together he said it wasn't his drinking that was causing our problems, it was my sobriety

trailmix

lol - that did make me laugh but truly, it does give you a peek in to the alcoholic mindset as well.

sage1969

I haven't posted on this thread yet because it did bring back many not so nice memories about deceased AH and our forays into couples' therapy . . . for two adults committed to working on growth and mutual relationship goals, therapy could be quite helpful. However, I've never experienced that (and honestly have a mistrust of therapists). It gave deceased AH a laundry list of my vulnerabilities for him to later exploit, and he repeatedly told the therapist that he was happy with our relationship and had nothing to discuss, so she of course said there was nothing to work on and set no further appointments with us.

PeacefulWater12

LOL!! Apparently I also caused problems to our marriage when I had the audacity to quit drinking. Late AH's former wife wrecked that marriage too by quitting drinking.

What is it with us wives quitting?? Darn cheek of us!! LOL.

Payne9

Yep! I would tell him he can ask the questions during the session because I did individual therapy and wanted him to have some therapy. He’d act like he was happy for the most part . But then when he drank he had so many issues in the relationship. Just ugh!

choublak

Well their drinking/using is a coping skill, so…

Spinner-007

My soon-be-ex AW tried pulling that on me. Yeah...she got away with a lot things, but that wasn't one of them. Both people have to be of sound mind and having the same goal of working towards a healthy and happy relationship to work. (that never happened to be on her 'to-do' list...)

The best quote about this topic was probably found somewhere here, so I'll share (paraphrased):

going to couples therapy with an active addict is akin to sleeping with Satan and learning how to love it.

Nata1980

A decent psychologist will not take an actively drinking/using addict into couples therapy.

Since it is a total waste of everyone’s time

And I no longer like Ben Affleck at all

and yes, alcoholic ex absolutely wanted to go to couples therapy

LovePeaceSushi

When I did go to counseling with my AH, the first thing the counselors (yes, I did this a few times with different counselors) wanted to do was get my husband into rehab. We never went to more than 2-3 sessions before it was apparent that he needed help. Like you said, its a waste of time and money. It'd be like performing lipo on someone while they're getting down on Krispie Kremes.

Spiderweb

That article is giving out bad advice. Maybe the writer is an alcoholic ha. When I filed for divorce my ex only then asked if we could go to couples counseling. I laughed as I had tried to drag him kicking and screaming years earlier. It’s been 6 months and he is still blaming me for his drinking-I didn’t contribute enough, he had all the responsibility, I didn’t appreciate him etc. impossible to work with that until some major healing and accountability on his side happens.