Bf told me he was hiding drinking and broke up with me for recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 2
Bf told me he was hiding drinking and broke up with me for recovery
I am very confused and hurt. My bf was distant I know December is hard month for both of our traumas.
im 2 years into CBT therapy and work it every day. I do have slip ups sometimes.
my bf was doing Coda before due to his pqst but sort of stopped when we got together.
He became distant and I did too. I had therapy and snapped out of it but I dodnt communicate well.
he was hurting and felt I wasnt there for him and questioned if our goals and values align... and fell i to a deep depression and pushed me away and said he needed space.
he said he was feeling no emotions and that was a problem. He didnt fdidnhappy or sad or love.
i saw him 4 days later he broke up with me said it wasnt fair to me and I deserved better.
he told me he was drinking over half the time. 2-3 drink 4 days a week and couldnt control it and it was effecting his job and mental state and emotions.
i told him I wanted to support him give the space he needed and asked if we could just reorganize pur relationship while he works on himself.
i wouldnt pressure him qnd qllow us to be together when he wanted durong this time.And pause any growth. I wanted to be hia friend and support abd love him.
i said i would stop drinking all together . I said I would go to alanon. He didnt know what it was but I had gone for my father and explained.
So I can be a better support and support myself better.
He said no . And we talked more and hugged and kissed. We both initiated the kisses.
I gad his pants in my car and offered to go and get and give back and take my things.
And then next thing we agreed to be friends. To still be in our lives.
And he offered to come over in a few days to drop off my stuff and see meand said for me to keep his pants.
He is amazing person. He honest, respectful, funny, considerate, empathetic, openminded, hard working , giving. I didnt know he was suffering with alcohol I thought it was his childhood trauma.
i know the 2 go in hand but how do I go on qnd not have my depression destroy me?
I am going to alanon tonight I scheduled it after the breakup.
But I still want him . Hes the best person in my life and I cant see myself never seeing him again or not talking to him again.
I honeslty want to wait. Ive dated alot and I know what I want and i want him.
i want him to love himself more and prioritize himself but I want him at his core.
He said if its meant to be it will be and he needs 3 months. He is very faith driven but believes in science alot too, and Im an athiest so I find those words not logical.
Am I crazy not to give up, not to lose hope and to support? I love him and want to give him as much of my love as I can woth every ounce of my being without hurting myself and I really think if I can do that it will help him not isolate and believe in himself. He wants to do this for himself not us and I think thats the smartest thing
I dont think cutting me off entirely if I dont trigger and I bring out alot of good and challenge him emotional intelligence wise he said.
So should I assume he has abandonment attachment and fear of hurting so hes isolating and doing his usual he says...
and think this isnt good. Time to change patterns. Ask for help with aa and fellowship and sponsor and talk about how you feel when you feel triggers isnt that better approach since the 2 years being alone and trying didnt work as he said.
Or am i crazy?
im 2 years into CBT therapy and work it every day. I do have slip ups sometimes.
my bf was doing Coda before due to his pqst but sort of stopped when we got together.
He became distant and I did too. I had therapy and snapped out of it but I dodnt communicate well.
he was hurting and felt I wasnt there for him and questioned if our goals and values align... and fell i to a deep depression and pushed me away and said he needed space.
he said he was feeling no emotions and that was a problem. He didnt fdidnhappy or sad or love.
i saw him 4 days later he broke up with me said it wasnt fair to me and I deserved better.
he told me he was drinking over half the time. 2-3 drink 4 days a week and couldnt control it and it was effecting his job and mental state and emotions.
i told him I wanted to support him give the space he needed and asked if we could just reorganize pur relationship while he works on himself.
i wouldnt pressure him qnd qllow us to be together when he wanted durong this time.And pause any growth. I wanted to be hia friend and support abd love him.
i said i would stop drinking all together . I said I would go to alanon. He didnt know what it was but I had gone for my father and explained.
So I can be a better support and support myself better.
He said no . And we talked more and hugged and kissed. We both initiated the kisses.
I gad his pants in my car and offered to go and get and give back and take my things.
And then next thing we agreed to be friends. To still be in our lives.
And he offered to come over in a few days to drop off my stuff and see meand said for me to keep his pants.
He is amazing person. He honest, respectful, funny, considerate, empathetic, openminded, hard working , giving. I didnt know he was suffering with alcohol I thought it was his childhood trauma.
i know the 2 go in hand but how do I go on qnd not have my depression destroy me?
I am going to alanon tonight I scheduled it after the breakup.
But I still want him . Hes the best person in my life and I cant see myself never seeing him again or not talking to him again.
I honeslty want to wait. Ive dated alot and I know what I want and i want him.
i want him to love himself more and prioritize himself but I want him at his core.
He said if its meant to be it will be and he needs 3 months. He is very faith driven but believes in science alot too, and Im an athiest so I find those words not logical.
Am I crazy not to give up, not to lose hope and to support? I love him and want to give him as much of my love as I can woth every ounce of my being without hurting myself and I really think if I can do that it will help him not isolate and believe in himself. He wants to do this for himself not us and I think thats the smartest thing
I dont think cutting me off entirely if I dont trigger and I bring out alot of good and challenge him emotional intelligence wise he said.
So should I assume he has abandonment attachment and fear of hurting so hes isolating and doing his usual he says...
and think this isnt good. Time to change patterns. Ask for help with aa and fellowship and sponsor and talk about how you feel when you feel triggers isnt that better approach since the 2 years being alone and trying didnt work as he said.
Or am i crazy?
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
"He said no"
This kinda says it all. It sounds he's not able to be in a relationship, and he's telling you so. He might have agreed to be friends to let you down more easily, but he's letting you know that, no, he doesn't want a relationship.
I think it's good you're going to alanon and doing CBT every day -- keep up with these while you grieve this breakup. Unfortunately, this happens when people just aren't feeling a relationship; the alcoholism and codependency add a not so positive complication, but it is still what it is: he said no.
This kinda says it all. It sounds he's not able to be in a relationship, and he's telling you so. He might have agreed to be friends to let you down more easily, but he's letting you know that, no, he doesn't want a relationship.
I think it's good you're going to alanon and doing CBT every day -- keep up with these while you grieve this breakup. Unfortunately, this happens when people just aren't feeling a relationship; the alcoholism and codependency add a not so positive complication, but it is still what it is: he said no.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
Hi Pie, no you're not crazy however - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
The path he is taking is a selfish (as it needs to be) and a tough path. As he said, his feelings have shut down. He said he has been drinking 2-4 drinks, at least 4 days a week. Well that's what he told you, it could be more - he is acknowledging that he has a problem.
There isn't really much you can do at this point. He has decided to go his own way, whether that is to drink more or to try to get sober, can't really say at this point. You may not be wrong in what you think might be good for him, but that's an inside job, for him and he has clearly stated he doesn't want anyone's help.
I know it hurts a lot, I know it probably all seems hopeless at this point, but honestly it isn't (for you). Really all you can do is give him his space. You will get through this no matter whether you end up with him or not, you will be ok, things will get brighter.
You mentioned you have been to Al Anon before because of your Dad, so you have been around alcoholism for a while. Adult children of Alcoholics is another group you might want to look up, also they have a lot of literature you might find helpful.
The path he is taking is a selfish (as it needs to be) and a tough path. As he said, his feelings have shut down. He said he has been drinking 2-4 drinks, at least 4 days a week. Well that's what he told you, it could be more - he is acknowledging that he has a problem.
There isn't really much you can do at this point. He has decided to go his own way, whether that is to drink more or to try to get sober, can't really say at this point. You may not be wrong in what you think might be good for him, but that's an inside job, for him and he has clearly stated he doesn't want anyone's help.
I know it hurts a lot, I know it probably all seems hopeless at this point, but honestly it isn't (for you). Really all you can do is give him his space. You will get through this no matter whether you end up with him or not, you will be ok, things will get brighter.
You mentioned you have been to Al Anon before because of your Dad, so you have been around alcoholism for a while. Adult children of Alcoholics is another group you might want to look up, also they have a lot of literature you might find helpful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Whether or not alcohol is a factor, I'm not a fan of "staying friends," especially not in the beginning. A clean break for a couple months, (or six) gives each person a chance to reconnect with the friends who've been on the back burner while you were a couple. It gives each person a chance to decompress and learn to establish their lives as single people.
In almost every breakup, there is someone who desired the end, and one who didn't. The person who didn't tends to imbue every contact, phone call, text or email as a sign that his/her beloved is still interested in pursuing the relationship.
As for something meant to be , well I don't know. I've had some pretty nice things happen to me - just because. Is it Divine intervention? Fate? Dumb luck? Karma? I just don't know.
In almost every breakup, there is someone who desired the end, and one who didn't. The person who didn't tends to imbue every contact, phone call, text or email as a sign that his/her beloved is still interested in pursuing the relationship.
As for something meant to be , well I don't know. I've had some pretty nice things happen to me - just because. Is it Divine intervention? Fate? Dumb luck? Karma? I just don't know.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Rejection does hurt. . Maybe try to look inside yourself and see if his rejection is a reflection of what you are doing to yourself. What was happening before you met him? What did you give up in order to stay connected to him?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 2
The focus on reconnecting sou ds lile the assumption that I was unhealthy or coda. I have my own life and friends and do my own things all the time. Nothing took the back burner for a relationship. I dont have anxiety qttachment
I found the responses here quite assumption and attacking and little empathy.
I dont know if its because you all are suffering but found this forum useless other than the 3cs mentioned. Thank you. I do know it wasnt me. Just felt crazy cuz I deserve some communication.
it occured we are still together and I support him.
I didnt give anything up to support him. Dosnt take anything to show love.
Super easy to run away and cave into qbandonment attachment but if anyone of you went to cbt youde know isolating and running never helps long term trauma.
Perhaps alanon and detachment subject is something you should alll revisit.
Thanks
I found the responses here quite assumption and attacking and little empathy.
I dont know if its because you all are suffering but found this forum useless other than the 3cs mentioned. Thank you. I do know it wasnt me. Just felt crazy cuz I deserve some communication.
it occured we are still together and I support him.
I didnt give anything up to support him. Dosnt take anything to show love.
Super easy to run away and cave into qbandonment attachment but if anyone of you went to cbt youde know isolating and running never helps long term trauma.
Perhaps alanon and detachment subject is something you should alll revisit.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
Hi PL, I think this forum is quite supportive and I didn't really see anything in the replies that would be hurtful to you. I'm sorry you feel that way though.
As with all things like this - you get to take what you like and leave the rest.
You know him and yourself, we only know what you wrote in your first post. People here are really just looking out for you based on what you said.
Lots of support here for you regardless.
As with all things like this - you get to take what you like and leave the rest.
You know him and yourself, we only know what you wrote in your first post. People here are really just looking out for you based on what you said.
Lots of support here for you regardless.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Pie....an additional thought----just for the record. Most alocholics, attempting recovery, in the beginning, find that it takes all they have to just get from morning to night---and have nothing left in the tank to give to a relationship. /the demands of a relationship, at any level seems too much to take on. It is a "life or death" strugge for them to gain some stability in sobriety, and sobriety has to take first priority over all. It is not personal about you, although it probably does feel like it.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 648
Originally Posted by Pielove 
The focus on reconnecting sou ds lile the assumption that I was unhealthy or coda. I have my own life and friends and do my own things all the time. Nothing took the back burner for a relationship. I dont have anxiety qttachment
I found the responses here quite assumption and attacking and little empathy.
I dont know if its because you all are suffering but found this forum useless other than the 3cs mentioned. Thank you. I do know it wasnt me. Just felt crazy cuz I deserve some communication.
it occured we are still together and I support him.
I didnt give anything up to support him. Dosnt take anything to show love.
Super easy to run away and cave into qbandonment attachment but if anyone of you went to cbt youde know isolating and running never helps long term trauma.
Perhaps alanon and detachment subject is something you should alll revisit.
Thanks
I found the responses here quite assumption and attacking and little empathy.
I dont know if its because you all are suffering but found this forum useless other than the 3cs mentioned. Thank you. I do know it wasnt me. Just felt crazy cuz I deserve some communication.
it occured we are still together and I support him.
I didnt give anything up to support him. Dosnt take anything to show love.
Super easy to run away and cave into qbandonment attachment but if anyone of you went to cbt youde know isolating and running never helps long term trauma.
Perhaps alanon and detachment subject is something you should alll revisit.
Thanks
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