I did stuff for me today
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
I did stuff for me today
I did a 2X cardio and weight workout.
I did 90-minutes with my therapist instead of 60.
I ate a double bowl of peppermint stick ice cream with white chocolate covered pretzels, and didn’t feel guilty about it.
Maybe I’m learning something. I’ll know if I sleep through the night.
I did 90-minutes with my therapist instead of 60.
I ate a double bowl of peppermint stick ice cream with white chocolate covered pretzels, and didn’t feel guilty about it.
Maybe I’m learning something. I’ll know if I sleep through the night.
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
But then I started to blubber in front of my daughter when I heard some old Fleetwood Mac and couldn’t explain to her while the dad who was always accused of never showing enough empathy or emotion, just started to cry.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Crying is good. Healing, cleansing the body. Releases lots of healing chemicals in us.
I knew I was starting to heal when I was, at last, able to cry. I had not been able to cry for decades, I was so frozen inside.
The tears meant I was starting to unstick.
I knew I was starting to heal when I was, at last, able to cry. I had not been able to cry for decades, I was so frozen inside.
The tears meant I was starting to unstick.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
We're really taught a disservice in this culture to "control our emotions." What we really should learn as children is to feel and acknowledge our emotions (our behavior is what we can change). So I agree, crying is good. It helps.
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Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Hey Left.
All I can say to you is that sounds very healthy. Doing it in front of your kids, on occasion seems to me appropriate and sharing why we might be especially sad, given all that has gone on is very likely good parenting. If I may share my experience from this. I was watching a TV show on netflix with my daughter...this is likely a solid year ago now. And a song on the show played, and I totally stated crying. I remember trying to hide it, I actually went to the bathroom. My daughter asked me about it and I told her why I was upset. To this day my kid makes fun of me for that, and before we watch TV sometimes she says, hey dad, does this show make you sad!!...it is said in a lighthearted way and it is strange how we can laugh now.
Hope you are doing ok.
All I can say to you is that sounds very healthy. Doing it in front of your kids, on occasion seems to me appropriate and sharing why we might be especially sad, given all that has gone on is very likely good parenting. If I may share my experience from this. I was watching a TV show on netflix with my daughter...this is likely a solid year ago now. And a song on the show played, and I totally stated crying. I remember trying to hide it, I actually went to the bathroom. My daughter asked me about it and I told her why I was upset. To this day my kid makes fun of me for that, and before we watch TV sometimes she says, hey dad, does this show make you sad!!...it is said in a lighthearted way and it is strange how we can laugh now.
Hope you are doing ok.
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Sage and peaceful- thank you for your clarifying and encouraging thoughts. I appreciate you taking the time to read through my ramblings and respond!!! I think knowing I’m not on an island really helps.
Woodland- knowing that you’ve already traced a path with uncanny parallels to the one I’m teetering around on right now gives me hope that I’ll find the end. Yep, I’m neck deep in the puddles on that path now. Still is a one-sided communication model, although the AW calls others in the family hoping to get my daughter on the e phone. So far my daughter has declined to talk to her mom even if I’m not present. I believe that bothers my wife, but damn near 6 months in rehab and has not requested to see my daughter face to face (she’s blown off two supposed Zoom calls with no explanation). With my daughters therapists help I drafted up some holiday ground rules that will hopefully head off a “mom ambush” at any family Xmas functions. I don’t believe I have transparency from the AW’s parents… lip service support yes, actual therapeutic and reasonable planning…no.
Trying to decide if uncovering all the oddities she’s thrown in the mix while she’s been in rehab (emotional, and probable physical infidelity, phantom spending of thousands of dollars, rampant social media use, burner phones, having her therapist leave me a threatening VM telling me if I contact any employees of that facility will result in them taking legal action against me…yes the crazy train), has ramped up my codependent behavior. It has made me take a hard, hard look in the mirror to see if the way I handled our 18-year marriage was me being overbearingly codependent or so hands off, I was the ultimate enabler. Really a conundrum I’m looking hard at.
I am for sure going to use tools I have now to find some happiness moving forward. Not that I’m bubbly every day…just the opposite. Having to work back through the joint bank account to 2013 to when I forced her to get her own in 2019 and tie her spending behaviors together jointly and autonomously to submit to my attorney was hard. It threw me into about a 3 day tailspin where I’d drop off the kid at school, come home, crawl back into bed till noon just to get the mental bandwidth back in line for my work and ready to help kid with homework practice hoops, get a good dinner ready…
It comes down to this is adulting 301…not 101. There’s no cushion, no flunking out, no do-overs. I’m the role model, which is a privilege and daunting task at the same time. In reality, the wild card of who’s going to be behind door #1 every day is gone making it a little easier. But the emotional and physical hole in the relationship with me the AW left is going to take a long, long time to figure out.
I appreciate everyone here, whether you are sharing advice and opinions, or wading through the muck and that curvey line that we are all chasing called healing…peace to you.
Woodland- knowing that you’ve already traced a path with uncanny parallels to the one I’m teetering around on right now gives me hope that I’ll find the end. Yep, I’m neck deep in the puddles on that path now. Still is a one-sided communication model, although the AW calls others in the family hoping to get my daughter on the e phone. So far my daughter has declined to talk to her mom even if I’m not present. I believe that bothers my wife, but damn near 6 months in rehab and has not requested to see my daughter face to face (she’s blown off two supposed Zoom calls with no explanation). With my daughters therapists help I drafted up some holiday ground rules that will hopefully head off a “mom ambush” at any family Xmas functions. I don’t believe I have transparency from the AW’s parents… lip service support yes, actual therapeutic and reasonable planning…no.
Trying to decide if uncovering all the oddities she’s thrown in the mix while she’s been in rehab (emotional, and probable physical infidelity, phantom spending of thousands of dollars, rampant social media use, burner phones, having her therapist leave me a threatening VM telling me if I contact any employees of that facility will result in them taking legal action against me…yes the crazy train), has ramped up my codependent behavior. It has made me take a hard, hard look in the mirror to see if the way I handled our 18-year marriage was me being overbearingly codependent or so hands off, I was the ultimate enabler. Really a conundrum I’m looking hard at.
I am for sure going to use tools I have now to find some happiness moving forward. Not that I’m bubbly every day…just the opposite. Having to work back through the joint bank account to 2013 to when I forced her to get her own in 2019 and tie her spending behaviors together jointly and autonomously to submit to my attorney was hard. It threw me into about a 3 day tailspin where I’d drop off the kid at school, come home, crawl back into bed till noon just to get the mental bandwidth back in line for my work and ready to help kid with homework practice hoops, get a good dinner ready…
It comes down to this is adulting 301…not 101. There’s no cushion, no flunking out, no do-overs. I’m the role model, which is a privilege and daunting task at the same time. In reality, the wild card of who’s going to be behind door #1 every day is gone making it a little easier. But the emotional and physical hole in the relationship with me the AW left is going to take a long, long time to figure out.
I appreciate everyone here, whether you are sharing advice and opinions, or wading through the muck and that curvey line that we are all chasing called healing…peace to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Sage and peaceful- thank you for your clarifying and encouraging thoughts. I appreciate you taking the time to read through my ramblings and respond!!! I think knowing I’m not on an island really helps.
Woodland- knowing that you’ve already traced a path with uncanny parallels to the one I’m teetering around on right now gives me hope that I’ll find the end. Yep, I’m neck deep in the puddles on that path now. Still is a one-sided communication model, although the AW calls others in the family hoping to get my daughter on the e phone. So far my daughter has declined to talk to her mom even if I’m not present. I believe that bothers my wife, but damn near 6 months in rehab and has not requested to see my daughter face to face (she’s blown off two supposed Zoom calls with no explanation). With my daughters therapists help I drafted up some holiday ground rules that will hopefully head off a “mom ambush” at any family Xmas functions. I don’t believe I have transparency from the AW’s parents… lip service support yes, actual therapeutic and reasonable planning…no.
Trying to decide if uncovering all the oddities she’s thrown in the mix while she’s been in rehab (emotional, and probable physical infidelity, phantom spending of thousands of dollars, rampant social media use, burner phones, having her therapist leave me a threatening VM telling me if I contact any employees of that facility will result in them taking legal action against me…yes the crazy train), has ramped up my codependent behavior. It has made me take a hard, hard look in the mirror to see if the way I handled our 18-year marriage was me being overbearingly codependent or so hands off, I was the ultimate enabler. Really a conundrum I’m looking hard at.
I am for sure going to use tools I have now to find some happiness moving forward. Not that I’m bubbly every day…just the opposite. Having to work back through the joint bank account to 2013 to when I forced her to get her own in 2019 and tie her spending behaviors together jointly and autonomously to submit to my attorney was hard. It threw me into about a 3 day tailspin where I’d drop off the kid at school, come home, crawl back into bed till noon just to get the mental bandwidth back in line for my work and ready to help kid with homework practice hoops, get a good dinner ready…
It comes down to this is adulting 301…not 101. There’s no cushion, no flunking out, no do-overs. I’m the role model, which is a privilege and daunting task at the same time. In reality, the wild card of who’s going to be behind door #1 every day is gone making it a little easier. But the emotional and physical hole in the relationship with me the AW left is going to take a long, long time to figure out.
I appreciate everyone here, whether you are sharing advice and opinions, or wading through the muck and that curvey line that we are all chasing called healing…peace to you.
Woodland- knowing that you’ve already traced a path with uncanny parallels to the one I’m teetering around on right now gives me hope that I’ll find the end. Yep, I’m neck deep in the puddles on that path now. Still is a one-sided communication model, although the AW calls others in the family hoping to get my daughter on the e phone. So far my daughter has declined to talk to her mom even if I’m not present. I believe that bothers my wife, but damn near 6 months in rehab and has not requested to see my daughter face to face (she’s blown off two supposed Zoom calls with no explanation). With my daughters therapists help I drafted up some holiday ground rules that will hopefully head off a “mom ambush” at any family Xmas functions. I don’t believe I have transparency from the AW’s parents… lip service support yes, actual therapeutic and reasonable planning…no.
Trying to decide if uncovering all the oddities she’s thrown in the mix while she’s been in rehab (emotional, and probable physical infidelity, phantom spending of thousands of dollars, rampant social media use, burner phones, having her therapist leave me a threatening VM telling me if I contact any employees of that facility will result in them taking legal action against me…yes the crazy train), has ramped up my codependent behavior. It has made me take a hard, hard look in the mirror to see if the way I handled our 18-year marriage was me being overbearingly codependent or so hands off, I was the ultimate enabler. Really a conundrum I’m looking hard at.
I am for sure going to use tools I have now to find some happiness moving forward. Not that I’m bubbly every day…just the opposite. Having to work back through the joint bank account to 2013 to when I forced her to get her own in 2019 and tie her spending behaviors together jointly and autonomously to submit to my attorney was hard. It threw me into about a 3 day tailspin where I’d drop off the kid at school, come home, crawl back into bed till noon just to get the mental bandwidth back in line for my work and ready to help kid with homework practice hoops, get a good dinner ready…
It comes down to this is adulting 301…not 101. There’s no cushion, no flunking out, no do-overs. I’m the role model, which is a privilege and daunting task at the same time. In reality, the wild card of who’s going to be behind door #1 every day is gone making it a little easier. But the emotional and physical hole in the relationship with me the AW left is going to take a long, long time to figure out.
I appreciate everyone here, whether you are sharing advice and opinions, or wading through the muck and that curvey line that we are all chasing called healing…peace to you.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
Adulting 301 . . . definitely not envying the bank statement audit you had to do for your attorney. Thinking about what you are doing now to parent your daughter, and I'm thinking about being on the other side of that hill, where I've got teens coming to me to ask for explanations about what they experienced before their father passed away. I can see that you are conscientiously modeling now, and it's something to think about also for your daughter, when she gets to an age where she asks for explanations, and how you will explain what you witnessed and how you responded . . .
Member
Join Date: Jun 2019
Posts: 276
Left,
I wanna ask...have you checked out Al-Anon, specifically a men's only group? I had a couple less than steller experiences with Al-Anon in the early days. In the early days I was such a mess that I wasn't present and spent the time in a sobbing heap. Then other meetings and they didn't resonate with me either. Then I met a friend online through this divorce recovery class I enrolled in. There I met my current sponsor. I attended online meetings with a mens group in austin texas. One thing he said to me was, just listen to people who have been in the program for a long while, and I mean listen. Listen to the stories, listen to crazy stuff that happened, listen to their crazy reactions, their mistakes, their insecurities, their ethical lapses, their anger, etc...THEN he said, listen to wisdom they gained from having these experiences. For me listening to the dozens of other people who were/are/co-dependants, and everything else under the sun is comforting. And the part I appreciate is that people can just say it how it is...and if I can be honest, I like knowing that people aren't perfectly perfect. I sure as heck am not. When you say you are co-dependant, I applaud you. What does that mean? That you have work to do on yourself...that you are going down a new path of discovery. I feel that the unifying thing about this site and all the 12 step programs and the self-help shelves and diets are all about getting one's act together and even that is hard to pin down. I struggle everyday with that. Sometimes I get wins...kinda like how you did 2x cardio and had a good therapy session...just keep that up, day after day as best you can. I will try and do the same.
I wanna ask...have you checked out Al-Anon, specifically a men's only group? I had a couple less than steller experiences with Al-Anon in the early days. In the early days I was such a mess that I wasn't present and spent the time in a sobbing heap. Then other meetings and they didn't resonate with me either. Then I met a friend online through this divorce recovery class I enrolled in. There I met my current sponsor. I attended online meetings with a mens group in austin texas. One thing he said to me was, just listen to people who have been in the program for a long while, and I mean listen. Listen to the stories, listen to crazy stuff that happened, listen to their crazy reactions, their mistakes, their insecurities, their ethical lapses, their anger, etc...THEN he said, listen to wisdom they gained from having these experiences. For me listening to the dozens of other people who were/are/co-dependants, and everything else under the sun is comforting. And the part I appreciate is that people can just say it how it is...and if I can be honest, I like knowing that people aren't perfectly perfect. I sure as heck am not. When you say you are co-dependant, I applaud you. What does that mean? That you have work to do on yourself...that you are going down a new path of discovery. I feel that the unifying thing about this site and all the 12 step programs and the self-help shelves and diets are all about getting one's act together and even that is hard to pin down. I struggle everyday with that. Sometimes I get wins...kinda like how you did 2x cardio and had a good therapy session...just keep that up, day after day as best you can. I will try and do the same.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by woodlandlost 
Left,
I wanna ask...have you checked out Al-Anon, specifically a men's only group? I had a couple less than steller experiences with Al-Anon in the early days. In the early days I was such a mess that I wasn't present and spent the time in a sobbing heap. Then other meetings and they didn't resonate with me either. Then I met a friend online through this divorce recovery class I enrolled in. There I met my current sponsor. I attended online meetings with a mens group in austin texas. One thing he said to me was, just listen to people who have been in the program for a long while, and I mean listen. Listen to the stories, listen to crazy stuff that happened, listen to their crazy reactions, their mistakes, their insecurities, their ethical lapses, their anger, etc...THEN he said, listen to wisdom they gained from having these experiences. For me listening to the dozens of other people who were/are/co-dependants, and everything else under the sun is comforting. And the part I appreciate is that people can just say it how it is...and if I can be honest, I like knowing that people aren't perfectly perfect. I sure as heck am not. When you say you are co-dependant, I applaud you. What does that mean? That you have work to do on yourself...that you are going down a new path of discovery. I feel that the unifying thing about this site and all the 12 step programs and the self-help shelves and diets are all about getting one's act together and even that is hard to pin down. I struggle everyday with that. Sometimes I get wins...kinda like how you did 2x cardio and had a good therapy session...just keep that up, day after day as best you can. I will try and do the same.
I wanna ask...have you checked out Al-Anon, specifically a men's only group? I had a couple less than steller experiences with Al-Anon in the early days. In the early days I was such a mess that I wasn't present and spent the time in a sobbing heap. Then other meetings and they didn't resonate with me either. Then I met a friend online through this divorce recovery class I enrolled in. There I met my current sponsor. I attended online meetings with a mens group in austin texas. One thing he said to me was, just listen to people who have been in the program for a long while, and I mean listen. Listen to the stories, listen to crazy stuff that happened, listen to their crazy reactions, their mistakes, their insecurities, their ethical lapses, their anger, etc...THEN he said, listen to wisdom they gained from having these experiences. For me listening to the dozens of other people who were/are/co-dependants, and everything else under the sun is comforting. And the part I appreciate is that people can just say it how it is...and if I can be honest, I like knowing that people aren't perfectly perfect. I sure as heck am not. When you say you are co-dependant, I applaud you. What does that mean? That you have work to do on yourself...that you are going down a new path of discovery. I feel that the unifying thing about this site and all the 12 step programs and the self-help shelves and diets are all about getting one's act together and even that is hard to pin down. I struggle everyday with that. Sometimes I get wins...kinda like how you did 2x cardio and had a good therapy session...just keep that up, day after day as best you can. I will try and do the same.
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