Originally Posted by
woodlandlost 
Left,
I wanna ask...have you checked out Al-Anon, specifically a men's only group? I had a couple less than steller experiences with Al-Anon in the early days. In the early days I was such a mess that I wasn't present and spent the time in a sobbing heap. Then other meetings and they didn't resonate with me either. Then I met a friend online through this divorce recovery class I enrolled in. There I met my current sponsor. I attended online meetings with a mens group in austin texas. One thing he said to me was, just listen to people who have been in the program for a long while, and I mean listen. Listen to the stories, listen to crazy stuff that happened, listen to their crazy reactions, their mistakes, their insecurities, their ethical lapses, their anger, etc...THEN he said, listen to wisdom they gained from having these experiences. For me listening to the dozens of other people who were/are/co-dependants, and everything else under the sun is comforting. And the part I appreciate is that people can just say it how it is...and if I can be honest, I like knowing that people aren't perfectly perfect. I sure as heck am not. When you say you are co-dependant, I applaud you. What does that mean? That you have work to do on yourself...that you are going down a new path of discovery. I feel that the unifying thing about this site and all the 12 step programs and the self-help shelves and diets are all about getting one's act together and even that is hard to pin down. I struggle everyday with that. Sometimes I get wins...kinda like how you did 2x cardio and had a good therapy session...just keep that up, day after day as best you can. I will try and do the same.
I’m still looking for a regular Al-Anon meeting that I can work into the single parent/self employed schedule. A factor in that which will weigh heavily is if I can find one that I feel I get the return out of to carve out the time to get to it, attend, and get home in time to address being just “Dad”. I’ve tried a half dozen or more in the last 6 months, but haven’t found that “aha” meeting, much less a sponsor. I’ve cobbled together support from parts of family, (many long distant back on the coast), same with the well wishes and concerns of friends and neighbors ( for sure a humbling but comforting feeling knowing I’m not on an island, but I’m not really one to reach out to folks for a lifeline), and I really put a lot of weight into the experiences of others here. Sage advice for sure. I’m learning to actually listen to and implement the advice of our family therapist, who worked with my AW for 18-months prior to rehab, worked bi-weekly with my daughter, and knew much of the past history of my wife’s triggers. She’s got her own qualifier and knows the games (outside if the infidelity and pill abuse part). Still, the crazy train aspect of my situation makes her shake her head. Man, I’d love to listen to other men who’ve been through the meat grinder of this and just see how they handled it long term, especially with kids. I’ve been digging through documentaries of the physiological ravages of booze on females bodies, and been introduced to a lot of “ah-ha” moments. Not sure how much that is helping me understand the vitriol, spite, and general silence or non responsiveness from my AW in rehab. But, it’s helped me pinpoint why some of the pre rehab behavior took place… and the inconstancies I’ve unearthed while she’s been there. It sure feels like I either drove her to mandatory detachment, or she’d simply detached prior to me taking her there. Just a ton of questions I may never get answers to, and realistically at this point, don’t expect to. Even if I did, wouldn’t that just fuel my codepencie issues? Reactionary responses of anger, isolation, confrontation, shame… everything listed in “codependent no more”.. just because I thought I could make things better, when actually my tool box was empty.