My boyfriend is being distant and dropped the ball on my birthday.
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Join Date: Dec 2021
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My boyfriend is being distant and dropped the ball on my birthday.
My bf and I have known each other for 8 years, dating for 2. Hes always been a nightly drinker, but once covid hit, he quickly spiraled out of control. He chose to go to rehab in Sept 2021 and is almost 100 days sober! Im so beyond proud of him..he’s focused, hes doing great! Ive definitely seen emotional/personality shifts during this time, and always accept it, and am his #1 supporter…I know he’s going through so much. This last month, hes been especially withdrawn and distant, and it stemmed after I was highly disappointed that he pretty much dismissed my birthday. For reference, the other birthdays we have shared together, we have done presents galore, dinner, decorations, make the person feel special. We dont live together and are both single parents, so based on out schedules we decided to hangout the day before my birthday to celebrate. Well, thats what I thought at least. When I got to his house, he informed me that my birthday “crept up on him”, and that he hadnt gotten me anything, or planned anything. He definitely knew it was coming up, we talked about it a handful of times. He did get me flowers, but that was that. We hungout for a few hours, he could tell i was disappointed and i went home. So the next morning (my bday) he sends a very short happy bday text, then calls me and i ended up telling him how dismissed and unimportant i felt about it…especially after all the support ive given him lately. We never fight, we get along great. I feel like that might have triggered him…or perhaps my birthday in general triggered him, since it was the first “holiday” since recovery. He hardly spoke to me for the week following. And I didnt see him for 10 days.( btw I KNOW for sure that he hasnt relapsed, hes in it to win it) In my heart I was hoping he would take my disappointment and make me feel special. Well, its Dec 11th and he still hasnt done anything for my bday or even mentioned it. Im having such a hard time letting it go. But I am respecting him and his triggers and just kind of swallowing my pride. The last two weeks we have kind of gotten back to normal as far as spending time together, and talking/texting..but I still feel the distance. But I also dont know if it’s just me being overly sensitive and feeling like Im walking on eggshells. Now my mind is wandering to, does he even love me anymore? Ive seen alot of other people on here with similar situations, I would love some advice or help. Thank you.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
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Hi Constant. My qualifier has never gone through rehab or gotten sober so I'll leave that for people that have experience but I have heard a lot of people say that it can be different and difficult for awhile after the drinker has started recovery.
Welcome to the board!
Welcome to the board!
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Originally Posted by WheredIGo 
Hi Constant. My qualifier has never gone through rehab or gotten sober so I'll leave that for people that have experience but I have heard a lot of people say that it can be different and difficult for awhile after the drinker has started recovery.
Welcome to the board!
Welcome to the board!
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Welcome to SR, Constant. You'll find a lot of support here. I did want to say that if he is serious about sobriety, there isn't anything you could say or do that would "trigger" him to drink. He should have a support system in place, whether that is AA meetings, therapy, Smart Recovery, or something else. You shouldn't have to make yourself smaller or minimize your feelings around him. Again, if he is serious about living a sober life, he shouldn't expect others to cater to him or walk on eggshells.
I know whereof I speak because I am a recovering alcoholic. I have over 12 years of sobriety and have had to deal with many ups and downs in life. If he is serious about recovery, he will have to do the same.
I know whereof I speak because I am a recovering alcoholic. I have over 12 years of sobriety and have had to deal with many ups and downs in life. If he is serious about recovery, he will have to do the same.
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Hi Constant... My exAH did not get sober either which is why we are divorced now. I can understand you feelings are hurt ...however, I think that the lack of interest in your birthday this year is because he has to be so focused on himself right now... especially only 3 months in. Also while people are finding themselves in sobriety they can, usually do change and especially while they are finding their footing can not be as enthusiastic about things. I would let the first 6months to a year slide... I know it sounds selfish on his end but it is because alcoholism is a very selfish disease and under that person works a full recovery program they are typically in a selfish space. I am not discounting your birthday... Happy birthday by the way
Just maybe in the begining of his program show a ton of grace for expectations on him... Maybe have a late birthday dinner set up with a friend for next week or something ... I also look at it this way from hindsight... Now granted this is after a 7 year relationship ( 5 of which were married ) and for me had my boyfriend worked a program and got sober before we got married it would have been the best birthday present I could ever ask for... You now how a partner that is growing with you and at the end of all this ( and from what you say he is in it to win it ) you could have a wonderful lifelong HEALTHY relationship... Most of us on here would have traded a birthday any day if it meant keeping our significant others in our life and having them want sobriety ... not discounting you but maybe (just for this year) look for other ways to celebrate for you... Buy something you have been dying to buy... get your hair done ect Sending you love
Just maybe in the begining of his program show a ton of grace for expectations on him... Maybe have a late birthday dinner set up with a friend for next week or something ... I also look at it this way from hindsight... Now granted this is after a 7 year relationship ( 5 of which were married ) and for me had my boyfriend worked a program and got sober before we got married it would have been the best birthday present I could ever ask for... You now how a partner that is growing with you and at the end of all this ( and from what you say he is in it to win it ) you could have a wonderful lifelong HEALTHY relationship... Most of us on here would have traded a birthday any day if it meant keeping our significant others in our life and having them want sobriety ... not discounting you but maybe (just for this year) look for other ways to celebrate for you... Buy something you have been dying to buy... get your hair done ect Sending you love
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Lovely:
Oh my gosh!!! I cant even tell you how much your words put me at ease. Thank you. And you are SO right…his sobriety is a gift to me, I never thought about that, but I can live with that and give him the grace while hes still fresh in recovery. He goes to outpatient meetings 3x a week, and goes to AA about once a week when time allows…on top of working full time, and being a dad. I just felt sucker punched. His birthday was a few months prior and I went ALL out. So I never would have guessed he’d do nothing. In fact, I thought he would plan a nice sober time with that clear mind of his! But I will continue to allow grace and let him fall more into himself. I just need some reassurance lately that Im not being pushed out. Thank you so much!
Oh my gosh!!! I cant even tell you how much your words put me at ease. Thank you. And you are SO right…his sobriety is a gift to me, I never thought about that, but I can live with that and give him the grace while hes still fresh in recovery. He goes to outpatient meetings 3x a week, and goes to AA about once a week when time allows…on top of working full time, and being a dad. I just felt sucker punched. His birthday was a few months prior and I went ALL out. So I never would have guessed he’d do nothing. In fact, I thought he would plan a nice sober time with that clear mind of his! But I will continue to allow grace and let him fall more into himself. I just need some reassurance lately that Im not being pushed out. Thank you so much!
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Welcome to SR, Constant. You'll find a lot of support here. I did want to say that if he is serious about sobriety, there isn't anything you could say or do that would "trigger" him to drink. He should have a support system in place, whether that is AA meetings, therapy, Smart Recovery, or something else. You shouldn't have to make yourself smaller or minimize your feelings around him. Again, if he is serious about living a sober life, he shouldn't expect others to cater to him or walk on eggshells.
I know whereof I speak because I am a recovering alcoholic. I have over 12 years of sobriety and have had to deal with many ups and downs in life. If he is serious about recovery, he will have to do the same.
I know whereof I speak because I am a recovering alcoholic. I have over 12 years of sobriety and have had to deal with many ups and downs in life. If he is serious about recovery, he will have to do the same.
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Originally Posted by Constantwtf
Lovely:
Oh my gosh!!! I cant even tell you how much your words put me at ease. Thank you. And you are SO right…his sobriety is a gift to me, I never thought about that, but I can live with that and give him the grace while hes still fresh in recovery. He goes to outpatient meetings 3x a week, and goes to AA about once a week when time allows…on top of working full time, and being a dad. I just felt sucker punched. His birthday was a few months prior and I went ALL out. So I never would have guessed he’d do nothing. In fact, I thought he would plan a nice sober time with that clear mind of his! But I will continue to allow grace and let him fall more into himself. I just need some reassurance lately that Im not being pushed out. Thank you so much!
Oh my gosh!!! I cant even tell you how much your words put me at ease. Thank you. And you are SO right…his sobriety is a gift to me, I never thought about that, but I can live with that and give him the grace while hes still fresh in recovery. He goes to outpatient meetings 3x a week, and goes to AA about once a week when time allows…on top of working full time, and being a dad. I just felt sucker punched. His birthday was a few months prior and I went ALL out. So I never would have guessed he’d do nothing. In fact, I thought he would plan a nice sober time with that clear mind of his! But I will continue to allow grace and let him fall more into himself. I just need some reassurance lately that Im not being pushed out. Thank you so much!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by Constantwtf
Thank for your thoughts…I was hoping for some input from someone in recovery! I have just been worried that it hasnt been enough time under his belt for me to tell him how bad he’s been making me feel lately. I worry it would make him feel like a piece of $hit and cause a trigger.
He will feel whatever he will feel in response to what you say, that's out of your control.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). He's your partner of 2 years, you should be able to talk to him. Yes, he's probably going through some tougher times right now and maybe he needs some space from time to time, but I know you probably don't want to get in to a pattern here where you are constantly giving in to him, supressing your feelings, not bringing things up, not being yourself.
If that means he needs more time alone, so be it, you can't change yourself to keep him happy really?
How did you handle conflict prior to him getting sober? You don't argue so I assume you have some pretty good communication, normally. That shouldn't have really changed.
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People change in sobriety. Some things become more important, some less. Maybe fancy celebrations and expensive gifts are less important to him now, especially if those events came with drinking, or were hard to afford but he did it anyway. Maybe the real him has different priorities now - enjoying simple, quality time with you for example, and staying away from temptation. He may not even have the energy for all that anyway - early sobriety brings immense fatigue as the body and brain heal. Please give him time - what he is doing takes a massive effort and focus, there's probably not much left over.
sage
Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 704
I remember that both with XAH and deceased AH, holidays and birthdays were expensive and dysfunctional. After all that, my children and I shifted to a different way of celebrating. It took some adjusting for them, but we have spent time talking about what would be most meaningful for us, and it seems more sustainable and that we can create better traditions and memories.
Since things are different now with your BF in recovery, maybe at some point talk about how you each would prefer celebrations to look and feel like?
Since things are different now with your BF in recovery, maybe at some point talk about how you each would prefer celebrations to look and feel like?
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Originally Posted by sage1969
I remember that both with XAH and deceased AH, holidays and birthdays were expensive and dysfunctional. After all that, my children and I shifted to a different way of celebrating. It took some adjusting for them, but we have spent time talking about what would be most meaningful for us, and it seems more sustainable and that we can create better traditions and memories.
Since things are different now with your BF in recovery, maybe at some point talk about how you each would prefer celebrations to look and feel like?
Since things are different now with your BF in recovery, maybe at some point talk about how you each would prefer celebrations to look and feel like?
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Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 73
Hi Constant,
I’ve got an AW (working on the ex part at this time), who called my oldest daughter’s phone on my birthday. She’s almost 6-months into in patient treatment, 20-minutes from our home. She has not once asked to see our daughters in person. On my birthday she asked my daughter why she was at our home. My daughter said, “it’s your husband’s birthday remember”. The AW response was “Oh yeah, I forgot”.
People here and elsewhere will tell you that rehab and recovery is inherently selfish and your qualifier will constantly be thinking about themselves. If you can handle that, and be able to play second fiddle to the bottle and your qualifier’s struggle with that from here on out, then you’ll need to accept and live with that. Personally, I’m not willing at this point to be that type of person. That choice also leaves a big void in life, although that void can be filled with more positive things. I’ll let you know when and if I find those….
I’ve got an AW (working on the ex part at this time), who called my oldest daughter’s phone on my birthday. She’s almost 6-months into in patient treatment, 20-minutes from our home. She has not once asked to see our daughters in person. On my birthday she asked my daughter why she was at our home. My daughter said, “it’s your husband’s birthday remember”. The AW response was “Oh yeah, I forgot”.
People here and elsewhere will tell you that rehab and recovery is inherently selfish and your qualifier will constantly be thinking about themselves. If you can handle that, and be able to play second fiddle to the bottle and your qualifier’s struggle with that from here on out, then you’ll need to accept and live with that. Personally, I’m not willing at this point to be that type of person. That choice also leaves a big void in life, although that void can be filled with more positive things. I’ll let you know when and if I find those….
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Join Date: Dec 2021
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Originally Posted by Leftinthedust
Hi Constant,
I’ve got an AW (working on the ex part at this time), who called my oldest daughter’s phone on my birthday. She’s almost 6-months into in patient treatment, 20-minutes from our home. She has not once asked to see our daughters in person. On my birthday she asked my daughter why she was at our home. My daughter said, “it’s your husband’s birthday remember”. The AW response was “Oh yeah, I forgot”.
People here and elsewhere will tell you that rehab and recovery is inherently selfish and your qualifier will constantly be thinking about themselves. If you can handle that, and be able to play second fiddle to the bottle and your qualifier’s struggle with that from here on out, then you’ll need to accept and live with that. Personally, I’m not willing at this point to be that type of person. That choice also leaves a big void in life, although that void can be filled with more positive things. I’ll let you know when and if I find those….
I’ve got an AW (working on the ex part at this time), who called my oldest daughter’s phone on my birthday. She’s almost 6-months into in patient treatment, 20-minutes from our home. She has not once asked to see our daughters in person. On my birthday she asked my daughter why she was at our home. My daughter said, “it’s your husband’s birthday remember”. The AW response was “Oh yeah, I forgot”.
People here and elsewhere will tell you that rehab and recovery is inherently selfish and your qualifier will constantly be thinking about themselves. If you can handle that, and be able to play second fiddle to the bottle and your qualifier’s struggle with that from here on out, then you’ll need to accept and live with that. Personally, I’m not willing at this point to be that type of person. That choice also leaves a big void in life, although that void can be filled with more positive things. I’ll let you know when and if I find those….
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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I hear what you are saying that you can't see your life without him, I am currently building a new life as my AH passed away, I can tell you it is very possible. Difficult, painful and hard work but very possible.
You need to untangle yourself from him, focus on your life then his part will play out the way it plays out. Whatever happens, you will have built yourself a good life.
If he does stick to the path of leading a sober life, he will be very different. The only way alcoholics can get and stay sober is to change everything about themselves, I say this as an 11 year sober alcoholic. Your post above asked for input from recovering A's.
You need to untangle yourself from him, focus on your life then his part will play out the way it plays out. Whatever happens, you will have built yourself a good life.
If he does stick to the path of leading a sober life, he will be very different. The only way alcoholics can get and stay sober is to change everything about themselves, I say this as an 11 year sober alcoholic. Your post above asked for input from recovering A's.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
Originally Posted by Constantwtf
Thank you for your reply…I have heard and read alot about the selfishness of recovery, and I am trying SO hard to respect that. At this point I dont even feel like Im second fiddle…Im like a recorder, or a triangle. The feeling of not being cared about is so heavy, Im not sure if I can withstand it. But I also cant see my life without him. Its a slippery emotional slope.
You can't really be his supporter or his cheerleader you know (and who knows, he might just resent that)? This is an inside job for him.
Prior to this he was drinking nightly, I assume he has a job? So drinking during the day probably wasn't an option (that you know of).
You have also never known him as a truly sober person. Sure he might have been sober for a day or two or a week, but true sobriety is different. It's also different from recovery, where he heals whatever it is that got him here in the first place and corrects behaviours he has had.
None of this means that you just have to go along with everything. It is hard. The best thing you can do for yourself is look after yourself. Find things you might enjoy that don't even necessarily have to include him. I mean it's great he is getting sober and good for him, but it's a long haul. It will probably take a year before he really even gets kind of "settled" and on a stronger path.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
There is a book that is the most recommended book on this forum - Codependent no more by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent, there is a lot of information in the book about boundaries in relationships etc. I hope you will consider reading it, it's for your wellbeing.
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Constant........a couple of thoughts for your consideration.
1. I suggest that you get and read the most recommended book on this forum-----"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I predict that a lot of it will resonate with you.
2 Attend alanon or at least join an online group---face to face is the best choice. You are going to need the support, validation and knowledge that you will recieve. He will be changed in many ways if he does continue a program of recovery and you will need the same kind of program if you would like to navigate the ch anges that are happening.
Early recovery can be very tricky and doing it without support is really cutting yourself and the relationship short. Statistically speaking, the relationships that make it are the ones where BOTH partners get outside help.
3. Give up the idea that you need to be a "cheerleader" for him. Why do I say that? If you are interested, I will tell you,,,,(lol)
4. What you are going through is like throwing a rock into a still pond. The ripples, will, eventually, reach every single part of the pond---in some way.
Alcoholism is the "rock" that permeated the relationship from the beginning. It permeated everything in the relationship, in some way.
Likewise, his sobriety is now the "rock" that is bringing change in the relationship (for both of you). There will be changes in some big ways and some smaller, more subtle ways.
Major changes bring pivotal points in any relationship---alcoholic or not---. And, usually brings some level of anxiety or concern with it. Some relationships make it and some do not.
I suggest that y ou give the best chance by doing the things that wil give you the most support and knowledge.
Remember that you have never really known the complete him---as he has breen drinking since the beginning. The person that you have known in the past has always been modified by the alcohol.
Like an iceberg----what you have seen is just the smaller part above the water. The major part is "under the water"---where you haven't been able to see it. That underwater part contains all of the parts--dynamics---of the issues and feelings that he has used alcohol to cope with, in the past. He is probably just beginning to scratch the surfact of that iceberg.
1. I suggest that you get and read the most recommended book on this forum-----"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I predict that a lot of it will resonate with you.
2 Attend alanon or at least join an online group---face to face is the best choice. You are going to need the support, validation and knowledge that you will recieve. He will be changed in many ways if he does continue a program of recovery and you will need the same kind of program if you would like to navigate the ch anges that are happening.
Early recovery can be very tricky and doing it without support is really cutting yourself and the relationship short. Statistically speaking, the relationships that make it are the ones where BOTH partners get outside help.
3. Give up the idea that you need to be a "cheerleader" for him. Why do I say that? If you are interested, I will tell you,,,,(lol)
4. What you are going through is like throwing a rock into a still pond. The ripples, will, eventually, reach every single part of the pond---in some way.
Alcoholism is the "rock" that permeated the relationship from the beginning. It permeated everything in the relationship, in some way.
Likewise, his sobriety is now the "rock" that is bringing change in the relationship (for both of you). There will be changes in some big ways and some smaller, more subtle ways.
Major changes bring pivotal points in any relationship---alcoholic or not---. And, usually brings some level of anxiety or concern with it. Some relationships make it and some do not.
I suggest that y ou give the best chance by doing the things that wil give you the most support and knowledge.
Remember that you have never really known the complete him---as he has breen drinking since the beginning. The person that you have known in the past has always been modified by the alcohol.
Like an iceberg----what you have seen is just the smaller part above the water. The major part is "under the water"---where you haven't been able to see it. That underwater part contains all of the parts--dynamics---of the issues and feelings that he has used alcohol to cope with, in the past. He is probably just beginning to scratch the surfact of that iceberg.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
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Constant-----you may find the following link very helpful and interesting (about the iceberg theory).....
https://www.bing.com/images/search?q...mageBasicHover
https://www.bing.com/images/search?q...mageBasicHover
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by PeacefulWater12
I hear what you are saying that you can't see your life without him, I am currently building a new life as my AH passed away, I can tell you it is very possible. Difficult, painful and hard work but very possible.
You need to untangle yourself from him, focus on your life then his part will play out the way it plays out. Whatever happens, you will have built yourself a good life.
If he does stick to the path of leading a sober life, he will be very different. The only way alcoholics can get and stay sober is to change everything about themselves, I say this as an 11 year sober alcoholic. Your post above asked for input from recovering A's.
You need to untangle yourself from him, focus on your life then his part will play out the way it plays out. Whatever happens, you will have built yourself a good life.
If he does stick to the path of leading a sober life, he will be very different. The only way alcoholics can get and stay sober is to change everything about themselves, I say this as an 11 year sober alcoholic. Your post above asked for input from recovering A's.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 21
Originally Posted by dandylion
Constant........a couple of thoughts for your consideration.
1. I suggest that you get and read the most recommended book on this forum-----"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I predict that a lot of it will resonate with you.
2 Attend alanon or at least join an online group---face to face is the best choice. You are going to need the support, validation and knowledge that you will recieve. He will be changed in many ways if he does continue a program of recovery and you will need the same kind of program if you would like to navigate the ch anges that are happening.
Early recovery can be very tricky and doing it without support is really cutting yourself and the relationship short. Statistically speaking, the relationships that make it are the ones where BOTH partners get outside help.
3. Give up the idea that you need to be a "cheerleader" for him. Why do I say that? If you are interested, I will tell you,,,,(lol)
4. What you are going through is like throwing a rock into a still pond. The ripples, will, eventually, reach every single part of the pond---in some way.
Alcoholism is the "rock" that permeated the relationship from the beginning. It permeated everything in the relationship, in some way.
Likewise, his sobriety is now the "rock" that is bringing change in the relationship (for both of you). There will be changes in some big ways and some smaller, more subtle ways.
Major changes bring pivotal points in any relationship---alcoholic or not---. And, usually brings some level of anxiety or concern with it. Some relationships make it and some do not.
I suggest that y ou give the best chance by doing the things that wil give you the most support and knowledge.
Remember that you have never really known the complete him---as he has breen drinking since the beginning. The person that you have known in the past has always been modified by the alcohol.
Like an iceberg----what you have seen is just the smaller part above the water. The major part is "under the water"---where you haven't been able to see it. That underwater part contains all of the parts--dynamics---of the issues and feelings that he has used alcohol to cope with, in the past. He is probably just beginning to scratch the surfact of that iceberg.
1. I suggest that you get and read the most recommended book on this forum-----"Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I predict that a lot of it will resonate with you.
2 Attend alanon or at least join an online group---face to face is the best choice. You are going to need the support, validation and knowledge that you will recieve. He will be changed in many ways if he does continue a program of recovery and you will need the same kind of program if you would like to navigate the ch anges that are happening.
Early recovery can be very tricky and doing it without support is really cutting yourself and the relationship short. Statistically speaking, the relationships that make it are the ones where BOTH partners get outside help.
3. Give up the idea that you need to be a "cheerleader" for him. Why do I say that? If you are interested, I will tell you,,,,(lol)
4. What you are going through is like throwing a rock into a still pond. The ripples, will, eventually, reach every single part of the pond---in some way.
Alcoholism is the "rock" that permeated the relationship from the beginning. It permeated everything in the relationship, in some way.
Likewise, his sobriety is now the "rock" that is bringing change in the relationship (for both of you). There will be changes in some big ways and some smaller, more subtle ways.
Major changes bring pivotal points in any relationship---alcoholic or not---. And, usually brings some level of anxiety or concern with it. Some relationships make it and some do not.
I suggest that y ou give the best chance by doing the things that wil give you the most support and knowledge.
Remember that you have never really known the complete him---as he has breen drinking since the beginning. The person that you have known in the past has always been modified by the alcohol.
Like an iceberg----what you have seen is just the smaller part above the water. The major part is "under the water"---where you haven't been able to see it. That underwater part contains all of the parts--dynamics---of the issues and feelings that he has used alcohol to cope with, in the past. He is probably just beginning to scratch the surfact of that iceberg.
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