Protecting Kids/Grandkids
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Join Date: Aug 2021
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Protecting Kids/Grandkids
I'm curious how you all detach in situations that involve your kids (adult or minor) or grandkids. I have little trouble detaching from AH as far as bad situations he puts himself in but when it involves my adult kids or minor grandkids my "protect them" mode goes into overdrive and it's driving me nuts that I can't figure out how to handle these situations better.
Earlier in the week our grandkids were coming over. I was to watch the younger two and AH was to take the 12 yo to her holiday concert. We were feeding them before the older one had to leave for the concert. I told AH I'd just cook the hamburgers inside but he kept insisting that he cook them outside. I knew this was so he could drink while cooking out. Sure enough I could see him drinking out in the garage. I told him no drinking before driving with our grandchild. He said "okay, okay".
Another example is tonight. My brother is playing in a band in a bar. AH wants me to go and I say no (I don't do bars and especially not with him). So he calls up our son (he's in his 30's) to go and son agrees. I tell AH not to drive drunk with my child in the car. Basically the same response.
I have protected my kids from everything I could involving their dad for decades so they aren't even aware how bad his addictions are. And I see where that is a mistake because it doesn't give them a chance to make decisions knowing the whole truth. They haven't lived with us for years. But at this point it's more my grandkids I feel a need to protect what I can.
So anyway, these constant situations that come up are really wearing on me.
I'd just like to hear some others experiences with this.
How do you handle it or is that even possible?
I feel with the minors/grandkids it's my job to protect them.
How do you stay in your lane when it involves needing to be there to protect minors?
Earlier in the week our grandkids were coming over. I was to watch the younger two and AH was to take the 12 yo to her holiday concert. We were feeding them before the older one had to leave for the concert. I told AH I'd just cook the hamburgers inside but he kept insisting that he cook them outside. I knew this was so he could drink while cooking out. Sure enough I could see him drinking out in the garage. I told him no drinking before driving with our grandchild. He said "okay, okay".
Another example is tonight. My brother is playing in a band in a bar. AH wants me to go and I say no (I don't do bars and especially not with him). So he calls up our son (he's in his 30's) to go and son agrees. I tell AH not to drive drunk with my child in the car. Basically the same response.
I have protected my kids from everything I could involving their dad for decades so they aren't even aware how bad his addictions are. And I see where that is a mistake because it doesn't give them a chance to make decisions knowing the whole truth. They haven't lived with us for years. But at this point it's more my grandkids I feel a need to protect what I can.
So anyway, these constant situations that come up are really wearing on me.
I'd just like to hear some others experiences with this.
How do you handle it or is that even possible?
I feel with the minors/grandkids it's my job to protect them.
How do you stay in your lane when it involves needing to be there to protect minors?
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,652
I got in a truck with my Dad once, when he was pretty drunk. I had met him and his girlfriend somewhere - I was an older teen - and he had his truck and drove us home, it wasn't far, maybe a 10 minute drive - but part on a busy road.
I never did that again. I didn't offer to drive as I didn't have a license yet - but I think I would have done a better job.
My Mom was protective of us as well when it came to him, but after a certain age, what can you do?
I don't understand, why is he driving any children anywhere? ever? They are totally defenseless and can't tell if he's drunk. I would absolutely stop that completely. I'd talk to their parents and just say - your Father can't drive <children's names> anywhere ever, he's an alcoholic and it's just not safe.
For your own children, they must know he drinks and drives? I guess you could talk to them about your view, how much it makes you worry and you wish they wouldn't - then you just have to leave that, they will make their own decisions.
I never did that again. I didn't offer to drive as I didn't have a license yet - but I think I would have done a better job.
My Mom was protective of us as well when it came to him, but after a certain age, what can you do?
I don't understand, why is he driving any children anywhere? ever? They are totally defenseless and can't tell if he's drunk. I would absolutely stop that completely. I'd talk to their parents and just say - your Father can't drive <children's names> anywhere ever, he's an alcoholic and it's just not safe.
For your own children, they must know he drinks and drives? I guess you could talk to them about your view, how much it makes you worry and you wish they wouldn't - then you just have to leave that, they will make their own decisions.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
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I don't have any experience to answer your question but I wanted to say how good it is that you are looking to protect them.
When I was a little kid, my drunk dad had visitation each Sunday afternoon with us kids, he would turn up late, drunk. Drunk drive us to his home, pass out in the armchair for hours, eventually wake up, be grumpy with us for an hour or two, then drive us home!
Great quality time!!
In my opinion it would have been far better for him to have had no access to us kids.
When I was a little kid, my drunk dad had visitation each Sunday afternoon with us kids, he would turn up late, drunk. Drunk drive us to his home, pass out in the armchair for hours, eventually wake up, be grumpy with us for an hour or two, then drive us home!
Great quality time!!
In my opinion it would have been far better for him to have had no access to us kids.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,652
Originally Posted by WheredIGo 
I feel with the minors/grandkids it's my job to protect them.
How do you stay in your lane when it involves needing to be there to protect minors?
How do you stay in your lane when it involves needing to be there to protect minors?
Oh and the kiddies, in my opinion - there is no "side of the street" when it comes to children's safety.
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Join Date: Aug 2021
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Thank you for sharing your experiences! Such sad and difficult situations we end up in. And your responses helped put my head back where it needs to be.
It's not often he drives them because I make sure things aren't planned that way. This was a last minute thing and I knew he hadn't been drinking because I was with him for hours before that--then came the cooking out by the garage beer stash so I kept an eye out and stopped him when the drinking started. If he hadn't stopped, I would have driven her.
I did talk to my daughter (grandkids' mom) a little about things a few months ago but I need to have a more serious talk with her. I don't think she worries too much because she knows I'm always here when they are. Besides my mom, I think others around me think I'm overreacting when I say something because they don't see what I see. Like I said, me protected them from how bad the addiction is hasn't helped in that regard.
Oh good because I don't think I would have ever been able to stay on my side of the street for that. 
It's not often he drives them because I make sure things aren't planned that way. This was a last minute thing and I knew he hadn't been drinking because I was with him for hours before that--then came the cooking out by the garage beer stash so I kept an eye out and stopped him when the drinking started. If he hadn't stopped, I would have driven her.
I did talk to my daughter (grandkids' mom) a little about things a few months ago but I need to have a more serious talk with her. I don't think she worries too much because she knows I'm always here when they are. Besides my mom, I think others around me think I'm overreacting when I say something because they don't see what I see. Like I said, me protected them from how bad the addiction is hasn't helped in that regard.
Oh and the kiddies, in my opinion - there is no "side of the street" when it comes to children's safety.
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Location: maine
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Well...my Dad shouldn't have been driving anyway past the age of 70 or so...drinking or not. Add in the drinking, and he had an accident that resulted in a fatality. He even tried to get his license back. I asked Mom if that was wise, why didn't she try to stop him? She said she wasn't going to treat him like he was a child. The state *did not* give him his license back, thankfully. No doubt about it though, no matter how you lose it, not being able to drive usually hurts a person's ego.
From your other posts, he's also smoking pot? Sadly, the majority of pot smokers I've heard discussing this think it's *absolutely hysterical* to go driving after smoking. I hope this changes, since many states have decriminalized it. You can have a serious discussion with each of your children, and explain the situation. They may have picked up on the situation, and not said anything to you. Or they may not know at all, so if they didn't forewarned is forearmed.
From your other posts, he's also smoking pot? Sadly, the majority of pot smokers I've heard discussing this think it's *absolutely hysterical* to go driving after smoking. I hope this changes, since many states have decriminalized it. You can have a serious discussion with each of your children, and explain the situation. They may have picked up on the situation, and not said anything to you. Or they may not know at all, so if they didn't forewarned is forearmed.
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Sorry to hear about your dad Velma. I know with the AH it does feel like I'm dealing with a child instead of having a partner. I've learned to let a lot of that go and place it on him but it does bother me that someone else on the road with him could end up paying for that with their health or even life. I don't know how many times he's come home where he can barely walk yet he's just driven home. I will say something to him about the driving drunk on occasion which is my main problem at this point with the addictions.
And yes he's always been a pot smoker to the point of losing jobs. Most of his substance issues seemed to start after having kids and we started young.
Thanks for your response!
And yes he's always been a pot smoker to the point of losing jobs. Most of his substance issues seemed to start after having kids and we started young.
Thanks for your response!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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So my Dad drank and drove as mentioned, even had a couple of DUIs. What happened eventually was I had my child and I said to him what if someone who was drunk hit him?
He never drove drunk again after that, that I am aware of. Always took a taxi.
It's worth a shot maybe, although realistically it's probably hopeless. You will have to keep stopping him.
Can you even tell when he's been smoking pot at this point? That might be hard to catch, so a firm no on driving the kids anywhere is probably safer. It's too bad that you have to be the one to police this. But I'm glad you do!
He never drove drunk again after that, that I am aware of. Always took a taxi.
It's worth a shot maybe, although realistically it's probably hopeless. You will have to keep stopping him.
Can you even tell when he's been smoking pot at this point? That might be hard to catch, so a firm no on driving the kids anywhere is probably safer. It's too bad that you have to be the one to police this. But I'm glad you do!
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Where-----for those who think you are overreacting---remember that they do not bear the same responsibility for your children and grandchildren that you do! It is easy for them to judge you when they don't have that responsibility.!
They shoud keep their opinions to themselves---but, if they voice those opinions----I suggest that you gently tell them to go pound sand.
***It may be in your self interest to grow a thicker skin?
They shoud keep their opinions to themselves---but, if they voice those opinions----I suggest that you gently tell them to go pound sand.
***It may be in your self interest to grow a thicker skin?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
So my Dad drank and drove as mentioned, even had a couple of DUIs. What happened eventually was I had my child and I said to him what if someone who was drunk hit him?
He never drove drunk again after that, that I am aware of. Always took a taxi.
It's worth a shot maybe, although realistically it's probably hopeless. You will have to keep stopping him.
Can you even tell when he's been smoking pot at this point? That might be hard to catch, so a firm no on driving the kids anywhere is probably safer. It's too bad that you have to be the one to police this. But I'm glad you do!
He never drove drunk again after that, that I am aware of. Always took a taxi.
It's worth a shot maybe, although realistically it's probably hopeless. You will have to keep stopping him.
Can you even tell when he's been smoking pot at this point? That might be hard to catch, so a firm no on driving the kids anywhere is probably safer. It's too bad that you have to be the one to police this. But I'm glad you do!
Policing it is draining for sure but I'm going to do what I need to do. I think how much more enjoyable life would be if I didn't need to or was with someone more responsible or with no one!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Where-----for those who think you are overreacting---remember that they do not bear the same responsibility for your children and grandchildren that you do! It is easy for them to judge you when they don't have that responsibility.!
They shoud keep their opinions to themselves---but, if they voice those opinions----I suggest that you gently tell them to go pound sand.
***It may be in your self interest to grow a thicker skin?
They shoud keep their opinions to themselves---but, if they voice those opinions----I suggest that you gently tell them to go pound sand.
***It may be in your self interest to grow a thicker skin?
It's more their actions than them saying something. An example-My sister and her husband stayed with us for a couple days over the summer. Hub was drunk one night-not stumbling drunk but to where his behavior was different. I explained to them when AH wasn't in the room that he's been drinking too much lately and even driving when drunk. Their lack of reaction and the look they had made it clear they thought I was overreacting. Then the next day we (sis, her hub, AH, and me) went down to the lake and my sister and her hub said they were going to go get some beer. Not a big deal normally but they usually don't drink at our place when they visit and then to do it so soon after telling them AH had a problem. They were drinking some there and then when we came home hub went out to the garage and I walked in on him downing beers out there-he was so into it that it took a few minutes for him to even realize I was standing behind him. I just separated myself from their activities at that point.
There was another similar incident with another close family member.
Just another day in the life. I don't like to say too much to people around me because it gets to the point that I either need to do something about it or quit complaining. (So I come and complain here. lol)
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