WheredIGo

I'm curious how you all detach in situations that involve your kids (adult or minor) or grandkids. I have little trouble detaching from AH as far as bad situations he puts himself in but when it involves my adult kids or minor grandkids my "protect them" mode goes into overdrive and it's driving me nuts that I can't figure out how to handle these situations better.

Earlier in the week our grandkids were coming over. I was to watch the younger two and AH was to take the 12 yo to her holiday concert. We were feeding them before the older one had to leave for the concert. I told AH I'd just cook the hamburgers inside but he kept insisting that he cook them outside. I knew this was so he could drink while cooking out. Sure enough I could see him drinking out in the garage. I told him no drinking before driving with our grandchild. He said "okay, okay".
Another example is tonight. My brother is playing in a band in a bar. AH wants me to go and I say no (I don't do bars and especially not with him). So he calls up our son (he's in his 30's) to go and son agrees. I tell AH not to drive drunk with my child in the car. Basically the same response.
I have protected my kids from everything I could involving their dad for decades so they aren't even aware how bad his addictions are. And I see where that is a mistake because it doesn't give them a chance to make decisions knowing the whole truth. They haven't lived with us for years. But at this point it's more my grandkids I feel a need to protect what I can.

So anyway, these constant situations that come up are really wearing on me.
I'd just like to hear some others experiences with this.
How do you handle it or is that even possible?
I feel with the minors/grandkids it's my job to protect them.
How do you stay in your lane when it involves needing to be there to protect minors?