equus

There's a lot of talk about the selfishness of alcoholics and it's made me think. I think people need to be at least a bit selfish.

I remember when my now husband was drunk morning, noon and night. We were just friends then but we spent so much time together. Until he didn't function at all he still helped anyone and everyone who needed it. He often got a beer in return but he helped me too and I didn't buy him beer. His Mum emailed me a few days ago to ask when we'll visit because there are people waiting for his help with computers. He's been helping all the way through, through everything he's been through he's helped anyone else.

He helps our neighbours and friends, he sends parcels to his brother, he would give anyone anything, and he always has. When the drinking was at it's worst he wasn't involved with anyone but as he got better he became the breadwinner for a single parent who cheated on him.

My brother has some learning disabilities (mild but sometimes frustrating) and D has spent hours getting his computer back to life and teaching him how to keep it virus free. He even read my brother science fiction story - 12,000 words with no punctuation or paragraphs!!

I've seen the yearly letters of thanks from his last bosses - and I could go on and on and on....

It's the party season and I asked him which invites he'd like to take up, where he'd like as our suggestion to go, he said he didn't mind. I'm left with the decision and I don't know what to do.

I wish he was selfish - I wish he'd look after himself, I wish he'd care about him. He knows more about him, I don't know enough. I don't think he'll get any help till he gets a bit more selfish, he thinks 2 hours on the playstation, sober and after work is selfish. I don't think his way is balanced at all.

Truth

Why do u think that he doesn't take care of himself enough? you know in order to truly be there for others we do have to take care of ourselves first.

equus

Because he doesn't. Regardless of which part of not looking after yourself you pick when he was drunk he did none of it. He was still doing stuff for other folk when he wasn't eating, sleeping or washing!!

His Mum has found him passed out in her house - just because he forgot to eat for a few days. I saw the same thing years ago, he didn't eat, his last workplace used to take him to eat at dinner times because they noticed too. Unless someone else asks him to, he doesn't bother.

Ok - now the basics are taken care of a little, he's much better but other stuff like him saying what he'd find hard or easy re parties, he's the same. His only question is what's wanted of him - that he will do.

He moved to me because he lived (literally) in the middle of nowhere before - no friends, no social life and he didn't want that for me. I didn't realise until the middle of the process what giving up his old job would mean, and his isolated flat, the two achievments from not being drunk 24/7. He lost dramatic amounts of weight, was being sick and scared to death of the process of getting another job. But he did it. And guess what? He was taking home the receptionists computer to fix at the same time - no charge, no payback. He did ask her to look after his seedlings while we got married, but they died.

Now he's stopped drinking, for now completely. I think it's OK for him to need help, but the same old thing - he doesn't look after himself.

Don't get me wrong I don't think it's healthy, I think what he does for other folk does come from his heart, he likes people immensly. I think he doesn't like himself much so he just looks after what he does like - others!

Truth

Do u think he would ever go to a CODA meeting?

equus

Only if they needed something fixing!!

equus

I've been thinking about this - he could have learned to be co-dependent. His Dad is a drinker (though never out of work, and never got out of hand), his Dad also had a breakdown when he was a kid. His little brother had a heart murmer and D was supposed to look out for him at school. His Mum runs ragged servicing her hubby and trying to do everything for her sons, David is her favourite because he spends the most time helping back, with computers and other stuff as well.

He still wouldn't go to the meeting though.

Magichappens

Any characteristic, noble or otherwise, that is taken to the extreme, is unhealthy. Giving until you are drained without taking some time for yourself to recouperate is a good example. Mr Magic has that characteristic. He feels that he has to make everyone else ok in order to be ok. He has driven himself into physical problems to accomplish this.

Lately, he has been forced by his physical condition to moderate this behavior. Being in recovery, and having support has helped him to see that he will be ok if he doesn't do everything for everybody. I have not interfered with his process, even though I have thought for years that this characteristic was detrimental to him. People learn when they are ready. Sometimes they have to get beat down to be ready. I know that I am pretty hard headed too. Hugs, Magic

equus

I don't try to stop him either, he does like helping folk and it IS up to him. I've seen it be detrimental to him, and I do ask him to look after himself - just to get some balance in it.

My problem is that I know what I decide to do does effect him. I want to meet up with friends but I'd like it to be in a way that isn't too hard for him. Selfishly - watching him struggle is miserable for me, I (for me) want him to at least consider himself.

The email invites are still unanaswered - I don't know what to do. If I arrange to go along with what everyone else wants it'll be most likely a night in town. I really want to meet up but I can't unknow that he'll go along for me, that he'll try for me and that makes me miserable when it's so bloody hard. I can't explain what's going on to my friends, they know about the drinking, they know we've both stopped, they don't know he also battles with agoraphobia, they don't know he struggles to speak at all without a drink. He's making his own friendships with them and I won't blow his confidentiality.

I read the al-anon self test - only one of the things were true for me (now) re his drinking. Lots of them were true if I applied it to other stuff, I cover for him and I find it so hard when I do a bad job of it and it leaves him stranded.

I'm not suggesting I'm right - just being honest about where I am right now. Dreading the party season!!

Magichappens

Can you invite some of your friends to a quiet dinner at your home? You would get the benefit of their company without the stress of going out.

equus

That's what I do most often - it's just getting harder to make excuses not to go out. I've already done 'we're skint' 'it's too cold' 'town is full of kids' etc etc etc...

Since he decided to go t-total we've been for one meal at a friends house and one meal out - both were hard work.

I'm not sure what to ask them re drinking if I cook a meal, when we went out for a meal other people there drank, in itself that wasn't too bad. When we went to the other friends house they drank but kept it discreet, not hiding it or ignoring it just not with the wine bottles on the table.

We haven't had any alcohol in the house since the middle of October, I don't even know how I feel about it people bringing it with them for a meal.

I sound like I'm arguing my way out of everything - I know, it's only because I've been stewing over this for a while.