Need guidance
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2021
Posts: 1
Need guidance
I am looking for guidance and advice as I feel so lost and alone.
I’ve been married to my husband a year. On the surface everything is fine, he treats me well and we have been happy together. His mother had passed before our wedding and he lost his father 10 years ago. In hindsight, I should’ve sought treatment and therapy for him from the loss of these loved ones.
Ive noticed money disappearing since we’ve been married and combined finances. His sister and I discovered that he has been stealing from her and this was my first indication there was a problem. I’m upset now at myself how I had missed so many red flags but I know I need to move forward.
His sister suspect it is a problem with prescription pills which I would think to be most likely the case. Ive approached the money topic with him lightly before but always denied anything wrong.
I need guidance and advice when it comes to treatment. I can see how an impatient care facility for a few weeks may be his chance at most success. I am worried that ripping him out of his job may cause him so much anxiety and stress that he would never return from shame. I don’t have much family around and selfishly also don’t know how I can get by myself for multiple weeks and without his paycheck. I don’t know the success of outpatient care and if that could work or if I am delaying the inevitable. Obviously I also think he would be most willing to do outpatient care and happy with that treatment option. He does go to work every day and comes home. He is very high functioning.
I am looking for advice on how to proceed. We plan to intervene with him soon and present the treatment option. I am struggling with how I can encourage him to seek inpatient treatment when I myself am so unsure.
I’ve been married to my husband a year. On the surface everything is fine, he treats me well and we have been happy together. His mother had passed before our wedding and he lost his father 10 years ago. In hindsight, I should’ve sought treatment and therapy for him from the loss of these loved ones.
Ive noticed money disappearing since we’ve been married and combined finances. His sister and I discovered that he has been stealing from her and this was my first indication there was a problem. I’m upset now at myself how I had missed so many red flags but I know I need to move forward.
His sister suspect it is a problem with prescription pills which I would think to be most likely the case. Ive approached the money topic with him lightly before but always denied anything wrong.
I need guidance and advice when it comes to treatment. I can see how an impatient care facility for a few weeks may be his chance at most success. I am worried that ripping him out of his job may cause him so much anxiety and stress that he would never return from shame. I don’t have much family around and selfishly also don’t know how I can get by myself for multiple weeks and without his paycheck. I don’t know the success of outpatient care and if that could work or if I am delaying the inevitable. Obviously I also think he would be most willing to do outpatient care and happy with that treatment option. He does go to work every day and comes home. He is very high functioning.
I am looking for advice on how to proceed. We plan to intervene with him soon and present the treatment option. I am struggling with how I can encourage him to seek inpatient treatment when I myself am so unsure.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Hello and welcome.
Might I suggest to keep expectations realistic ("we plan to intervene soon") -- in case the intervention does not go the way you and your SIL expect?
Otherwise, where you wrote, " Obviously I also think he would be most willing to do outpatient care and happy with that treatment option. He does go to work every day and comes home. He is very high functioning." A gentle reminder that the person has to be willing to make the commitment to go for treatment and to want to become sober. Which very well could be.
You may know -- there are many resources available for support to family members of addicts and a wealth of information right here at soberrecovery.com.
My best wishes to you and your husband.
Might I suggest to keep expectations realistic ("we plan to intervene soon") -- in case the intervention does not go the way you and your SIL expect?
Otherwise, where you wrote, " Obviously I also think he would be most willing to do outpatient care and happy with that treatment option. He does go to work every day and comes home. He is very high functioning." A gentle reminder that the person has to be willing to make the commitment to go for treatment and to want to become sober. Which very well could be.
You may know -- there are many resources available for support to family members of addicts and a wealth of information right here at soberrecovery.com.
My best wishes to you and your husband.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Ive noticed money disappearing since we’ve been married and combined finances. His sister and I discovered that he has been stealing from her and this was my first indication there was a problem. I’m upset now at myself how I had missed so many red flags but I know I need to move forward.
The red flags are everywhere, I am so sorry for your situation.
Protect yourself, protect your money, and find support that will help "you" find your balance. He may agree to anything, but watch his actions and see if they back up his intentions.
Addiction is progressive and gets worse over time. Take time to find your own place and decide if this is how you want to spend your life. The only person who holds the key to your happiness is you.
Good luck.
The red flags are everywhere, I am so sorry for your situation.
Protect yourself, protect your money, and find support that will help "you" find your balance. He may agree to anything, but watch his actions and see if they back up his intentions.
Addiction is progressive and gets worse over time. Take time to find your own place and decide if this is how you want to spend your life. The only person who holds the key to your happiness is you.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Are there other signs of drug use? Money disappearing could be any number of things such as gambling, other women, a shopping problem, secret debt, or many other things. Drug use usually comes with all kinds of behavioral clues and personality problems, not just disappearing money.
My ex husband married me without telling me (or anyone) he owed the IRS over $100,000 dollars and I didn't find out why money was so tight until we had been together almost four years.
My ex best friend shopped herself into $50,000 of credit card debt without her husband knowing about it.
If he won't talk to you about it, there is zero you can do other than find help for yourself to regain your balance. Therapy, support groups. For you. You have no control over HIM.
I agree with Ann 100%. Protect your own monies, and good luck. You may want to do a consultation with a financial planner or attorney.
My ex husband married me without telling me (or anyone) he owed the IRS over $100,000 dollars and I didn't find out why money was so tight until we had been together almost four years.
My ex best friend shopped herself into $50,000 of credit card debt without her husband knowing about it.
If he won't talk to you about it, there is zero you can do other than find help for yourself to regain your balance. Therapy, support groups. For you. You have no control over HIM.
I agree with Ann 100%. Protect your own monies, and good luck. You may want to do a consultation with a financial planner or attorney.
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