freedomfries

I'm so ashamed of my drinking. I know the best cure for that is continued sobriety, but I hit so many rock bottoms and devastated my family.

Right now I'm hanging on by a thread. I don't want to drink, but the sneaky thoughts of "one naggin, wait til your BAC hits zero, have a shower before seeing anyone, no one will know" creep up. But whenever is it one naggin? I'd be a naggin deep and buying three more would seem a good idea.

I've put everyone through so much. I'm on day 4. If I stay sober I'll have almost two months at Christmas and be able to face the visitors.

Sobriety would open so many doors. A job, an education, a career, more hobbies, maybe even a relationship one day.

Everyone in my life thinks sobriety is best for me. My parents certainly, my siblings, my best friend who's in NA. It seems unlikely they're all wrong. I can't drink without catastrophe anymore.

I'll feel less ashamed when I get more sober time and can make a meaningful apology for my actions in the past. I don't know does that mean working the steps. I might try. There's an AA meeting at 7:30 that I like, 3am now. Suppose it can't hurt to go to a meeting. Maybe go to some SMART meetings. Maybe get therapy alongside acamprosate like you're supposed to.

BeABetterMan

Or you can keep dicking around and half-assing it. That seems to be working. Love you man but you’re pissing your life away. No one is coming to save you. Everything in life that we get we deserve. Do something better to deserve better.

advbike

FF your thought process is usually clear and well formed. you just need to follow it with the appropriate action.

Man, you just can't drink. Not one, or you'll be set back again. But without alcohol you're awesome! That's what everybody sees and hopes for.

I pray you stick with it. Meetings would be a great idea. Checkout the Alcoholism section for how some have completely turned their life around with AA.

We all care about you and wish you the best, freedomfries.

Dee74

For a long time when drinking I felt like a leaf being carried down the gutter.
I think a meeting tonight would be a great idea and a major step towards taking your life back, FF

D

freedomfries

I'll go to the morning meeting at 7:30am. it's a nice meeting. They normally ask people in the first 30 days to say hi so I could do that and just listen for the rest.

KTB5000

Thank you for posting, I can relate too well. I
have 17 days and - for me - that's huge..
FF, follow through on the ideas you mentioned.. You are headed in the right direction that way. Stay the course. Stay put.

MythOfSisyphus

That sounds like a good plan, FF!

freedomfries

The twelve steps are very intimidating.

I could handle step 4, but the telling someone else part...

And amends god, I can barely remember a lot of people I owe amends to. I'd probably have to be sober for a long time before anyone was interested in hearing them though. And I've done some pretty bad stuff I was hoping to take to the grave.
I'll just focus on step 1 for now.

Dee74

I think the steps are in order for a reason - don't jump too far ahead.
And don't give yourself excuses not to do things - to get a different result this time, you'll need to do something different, yeah?

D

freedomfries

I still hold out hope science could be the answer.

Antabuse and acamprosate haven't worked so far. But I haven't taken acamprosate with therapy so I'll try that next. Then we'll see about naltrexone.

MythOfSisyphus

I agree that a science-based approach is good. But I don't think you can rely purely on one chemical or drug to solve a problem created by another one. Probably therapy of some kind is in order.

Alpine

I can relate too. I was highly ashamed and embarrassed. I have found SR very helpful in my journey to sobriety. I am not a group type of person and I like to fly under the radar so I went out of my comfort zone and started to see a counselor. It has helped as well. You deserve better then what alcohol is providing for you. You can do this. Your world will open up to a whole lot. I wish you the very best.

Mags1

freedomfries, too many times I was stopping for other people. When I eventually wanted to stop for me because I didn’t like the drunk me, I managed to stop. Then I had to learn how to live sober, fortunately for me SR helped me stay stopped.

It can be done, I know you know. Just don’t drink. That first one is endless.

All the best.

2muchpain

Did you make it to the meeting? John

ScottFromWI

By doing so you are merely kicking the can down the road once again in my opinion. Antabuse and anti-craving drugs are only supplements to a holistic recovery plan, and a recovery plan is only effective if you first accept responsibility for your addiction and choose to stop.

Anna

FF, how are you doing? I hope that you've managed to get through the craving.

RecklessDrunk

One day at a time.

Don't look too far down the road at the steps. Just like when we take a drink we aren't quite the same person. When we get sober and work the steps we aren't quite the same person. We grow into it. We get stronger and less fearful. Find a sponsor you are comfortable with. It will be step 1 for now. Thats it, just step 1 for now. Its the most important step.

If you weighed 400 pounds and never worked out you probably wouldn't spring off the couch and run 10 miles. If you cleaned up your diet and started walking, over time you would work up to it.

Delilah1

Hi FF,

Just logged in and saw your post, and wanted to see how you were doing today.