bahookie

Hey
Depression, obsessive behaviour, the impression of "teetering on the edge".

Bad day here in the mini menagerie.
Things have been going so well, lovely evenings in front of the coal fire, foot rubs, smiling eyes and communication.
Then my kids come back from their dad's and it's all back in full force. She actually said yesterday that she's on anti depressants because of my eldest.

Now, I've been hanging around here for long enough to know that alkies (actually, we all have) the choice to approach situations with a good attitude or a bad one. I can see that through detachment and recognition quacking I should be able to trundle on through this weekend and squeeze some enjoyment out of it. I know all this.

She's 11 years sober, yet I see those around us with one or less years under their belts acting the way she does. The obsessiveness, the complete immersion in self, the anger, the sticking to one viewpoint, the sleekit ways (that's a Scottish word that there really isn't an english one for - it's kind of sneaky but implies underhand ways and dubious motives. Quiet but fast and self-serving.), the hiding. She hides in so many ways, from the online scrabble, dvds, pretend work commitments.

Anyway, yesterday we went to get coal and a huge christmas tree. On the way home she phoned so many people and arranged activities to fill yesterday and today then told me, through talking to someone else, that I was decorating the tree with the kids and she'd meet them shortly.

I think on top of all the other things I've been making allowances for over the last few months this became the straw that broke my tolerant back. It's christmas for god's sake! She wouldn't even put one ball on the tree. Not one.
I don't like dogs. I grew up in a fur free house and (sorry dog lovers) to me they smell, bark incessantly and demand the care of a two year old who will never grow up. She has two dogs who I had to fight to get out of the bed at nighttime. (they are west highland terriers which are wee white ones. They come back in from the fields green or black or brown and she'd let them under the covers - yuck! who knows what they'd been rolling in?!) I take them for walks, look after them in an over-indulgent way when she dumps them and other dogs on me to go away on holidays. I can't understand the way her mind works. We all have to get on with it, life's not the way we want it all the time.

I'm wondering if my boy is the focus. Do alkies' minds work that way? He's not a bad boy, 15, class captain, straight As, holding down a girlfriend, doesn't ask for much. I don't know if this is alkie behaviour or depressed behaviour or a mixture of both. I also don't know how long I can be as understanding when she's one way with me but ms sunshine to the outside world.

Two years we've all been living together. If it isn't getting better now it's not going to. Is it?

This is a ramble, I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do with my head. I tried doing the shop yesterday (she's not working but of course it's up to me to fill my weekends with this stuff because she's too busy having a cup of coffee with anyone who will go.) but my head couldn't quieten itself enough to concentrate on anything.

I'm pissed off, angry and trying so hard to get out of it. Trying so hard to think kindly of her. It's driving me nuts!

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! !!!!!!!!!!
Jane
(Away to take the dogs out, course I am)

DesertEyes

Hi there Jane :-)

Sorry to hear that. I know how confusing it can be when the good and the bad get scrambled together.

There's a saying over here "It's not the years, it's the miles".

In case this doesn't translate across the pond, it's a reference to buying an automobile. When you shop for a car the important information is not how many years the car has since manufacture, it's how many miles have been put on said car. A brand new car with many, many miles is not the great purchase it appears to be.

Likewise with recovery. It's not how many years I have in the program, how many meetings I go to, how many sponsors I claim. It's how _well_ I live my life, how much serenity I can maintain in the face of adversity, how positive my attitude is towards others shortcomings.

So if you see behaviors in your "A" that make you feel concerned for the quality of her sobriety, don't let the 11 years distract you.

My "A" is an animal lover too. Cats, dogs, coons, possums, skunks and children. Yup, all fresh from the fields and into the bed. I like the critters to have their own beds, _outside_ the house. I understand your feelings completely :-)

Yup, I take care of all the critters. Feed them, build houses for them, play with them, train them, hug them and love them. Even 91yr old mom is quickly being abandoned to just my care.

Yes. When we are active in our disease the focus is always outside of us. Anywhere else but us. If not your boy it would be the house, the job, the boss, the dog, even your haircut. Anything to avoid looking at our own shortcomings and the need to account for them.

I would suggest that this is a really _bad_ time to be making any kind of long term decisions. Emotions cloud our ability to think. This would be a real good time to go to a meeting, share with the others there, spend an hour or two with your sponsor, get on the phone with close friends on the program, and get your serenity back.

Once you have your serenity, then you will be able to think clearly and make wise decisions. without serenity, you are just reacting out of fear. When I do that, I just mess things up.

Whadya think?

Mike :-)

equus

Jane, I post (and read tons) on a site for mental health and here. One thing that is glaringly obvious to me is that depressed or not, addicted or not, sober or not, people remain distinctly individual.

I think there are behaviours associated with most illnesses, right from wanting to curl up with a cold to the sometimes baffling lethergy of depression, or the desperation to use a substance despite the damage it's doing.

I know I've written here before that I cut my hubby some slack if he's depressed - but I do know it's depression not him (whether or not it's caused by not drinking?). Firstly because he stops activities HE enjoys, he stops caring for himself long before not caing for me, and it effects things that would be hard to 'play up to' like his appetite dropping through the floor.

On the mental health site there are very depressed people who (as is the way on forums) I get on with like a house on fire and others with the same illness who I find very hard.

I don't know what the hell I'm trying to say - something along the lines of not being married to any illness - I (think) you have to see and like the person first and foremost, for who they are, as they are.

I hate the ruddy depression though, if it was shaped like Mike Tyson I'd still get in a ring with it - what a daydream that would be!!

You know your love better than anyone and if you're anything like me - maybe it's the hard stuff that winds up here. I still think when the dust settles it's about who they are not what they are.

bahookie

Thank you for your messages, both of you.

I was in a bad place when I wrote that. I agree that I shouldn't make any rash decisions, and I agree that I should be able to think kindly of her and to see through the bizarre behaviour to the lovely person she is.
It's so hard sometimes though, and those are the times that yes, the hard stuff ends up here.

"how positive my attitude is towards others shortcomings"

Oh boy, nail on head. I find it easy when it affects only me, but not so easy when it affects my kids. Suddenly I'm a tiger who needs to fight their corner. I just don't know if I want to do that for the rest of my life.

"Yes. When we are active in our disease the focus is always outside of us. Anywhere else but us. If not your boy it would be the house, the job, the boss, the dog, even your haircut. Anything to avoid looking at our own shortcomings and the need to account for them."

I don't know if your answer is a relief or makes me angry or scared!
That she is active in her disease is very scary. She disappeared off in a fury on saturday evening for 4 hours. I thought, good, maybe she's gone off to a meeting (always a shouted threat when she's angry, as if I wouldn't be chuffed to bits!), is finally talking to her sponsor (it's been about 6 months) or taking quiet time to calm down. It turns out she was sitting in my car drinking diet coke and listening to the radio. I even smelt her breath when she came back. This is getting out of hand.


By the way, I am hugely thankful that there are no skunks in Scotland. I'm afraid I would have to decamp to a hotel if one of those came in the bed.
I'm also thankful that the shortest day is almost upon us. We're getting just over 5 hours of daylight today and I'm sure it's affecting all of us.

I'm going to think of sunny gardens and big piles of oranges. It may be strange, but it works for me

Jane
xxx

DesertEyes

Hi there Jane :-)

Glad to hear you're in a better place :-)

I know that feeling well :-( Take that fear to a meeting, to your sponsor, and watch the fear turn into hope :-)

You know, we're moving out of the house and are actively seeking adoptive parents for all our critters. I would gladly assist the fine people of Scotland with their lamentable shortage of the most colorful and aromatic of all God's creatures. They are especially cute when they are young. If you should feel moved to reach out and adopt one or more of these adorable little darlings I would gladly ship them post-haste. Just think, you would be the only person in Scotland with a critter that looks like a piece of roadway with a white stripe running down the middle.

* lmao *

Mike :-)

CrazyRed

I totally agree with Mr Broccoli on this one, hands down.

As for the animals in the bed -ewww. All that fur.

Oh, the word skeekit I think you wrote? I believe the American translation on that would be the word shady.

Nice hearing from you,

Red

bahookie

Hey!

Thanks for the light relief. You may not believe this but I've never smelt a skunk. I've heard reports, but never smelt one.
They do look so cute though

I don't have a sponsor. I don't go to meetings.

I don't have a grip of my life!!!!

Well, I'm getting there, tiny baby step by tiny baby step. I guess.

Got to go it's nearly home time here.
Take care all of you and thanks for taking the time to reply to me.

You're great

Jane
PS all that mushy stuff above is in no way an invitation to post me your orphan skunks. They wouldn't fit through the letterbox for a start. As to Scotland's lack of smelly mammals, we're more than compensated by the clouds of midgies that swarm (especially round me) in the summer months; we'll send you some of them if you want, they fit in envelopes.

DesertEyes

Consider yourself blessed :-)

If I may be so forward as to make a small suggestion. Perhaps if you went to meetings and got a sponsor you would find it much easier to get a grip :-) I know it has worked wonders for my life, I think it would do the same for you.

* lmao *

I'm moving, leaving the house. Will have no postal address, especially for envelopes arriving from across the pond and making angry buzzing sounds.

Mike :-)

bahookie

Yes, you're right. I should. So many excuses so little time to write them down.

jane