bahookie

Hey
Depression, obsessive behaviour, the impression of "teetering on the edge".

Bad day here in the mini menagerie.
Things have been going so well, lovely evenings in front of the coal fire, foot rubs, smiling eyes and communication.
Then my kids come back from their dad's and it's all back in full force. She actually said yesterday that she's on anti depressants because of my eldest.

Now, I've been hanging around here for long enough to know that alkies (actually, we all have) the choice to approach situations with a good attitude or a bad one. I can see that through detachment and recognition quacking I should be able to trundle on through this weekend and squeeze some enjoyment out of it. I know all this.

She's 11 years sober, yet I see those around us with one or less years under their belts acting the way she does. The obsessiveness, the complete immersion in self, the anger, the sticking to one viewpoint, the sleekit ways (that's a Scottish word that there really isn't an english one for - it's kind of sneaky but implies underhand ways and dubious motives. Quiet but fast and self-serving.), the hiding. She hides in so many ways, from the online scrabble, dvds, pretend work commitments.

Anyway, yesterday we went to get coal and a huge christmas tree. On the way home she phoned so many people and arranged activities to fill yesterday and today then told me, through talking to someone else, that I was decorating the tree with the kids and she'd meet them shortly.

I think on top of all the other things I've been making allowances for over the last few months this became the straw that broke my tolerant back. It's christmas for god's sake! She wouldn't even put one ball on the tree. Not one.
I don't like dogs. I grew up in a fur free house and (sorry dog lovers) to me they smell, bark incessantly and demand the care of a two year old who will never grow up. She has two dogs who I had to fight to get out of the bed at nighttime. (they are west highland terriers which are wee white ones. They come back in from the fields green or black or brown and she'd let them under the covers - yuck! who knows what they'd been rolling in?!) I take them for walks, look after them in an over-indulgent way when she dumps them and other dogs on me to go away on holidays. I can't understand the way her mind works. We all have to get on with it, life's not the way we want it all the time.

I'm wondering if my boy is the focus. Do alkies' minds work that way? He's not a bad boy, 15, class captain, straight As, holding down a girlfriend, doesn't ask for much. I don't know if this is alkie behaviour or depressed behaviour or a mixture of both. I also don't know how long I can be as understanding when she's one way with me but ms sunshine to the outside world.

Two years we've all been living together. If it isn't getting better now it's not going to. Is it?

This is a ramble, I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do with my head. I tried doing the shop yesterday (she's not working but of course it's up to me to fill my weekends with this stuff because she's too busy having a cup of coffee with anyone who will go.) but my head couldn't quieten itself enough to concentrate on anything.

I'm pissed off, angry and trying so hard to get out of it. Trying so hard to think kindly of her. It's driving me nuts!

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! !!!!!!!!!!
Jane
(Away to take the dogs out, course I am)