Cookie314

Well, the time has come. My AH returned home from rehab last night. Things were tense, he could tell I was distant and uneasy. When he asked specifically if there was anything I wanted to talk about or get off my chest, I told him I had filed for divorce. Unsurprisingly, he was upset and it sucked to say. He went to the bedroom to calm down a bit then came out to talk a bit more. Things were halting and awkward, but that was expected.

I was reaffirmed I was making the right decision, because one of the first things he said, lamenting, was: "I can't even drink it away, because I'm on - ." (maldrexon? A drug that binds to the same receptors as alcohol and prevents you from feeling the effects. I'm not sure exactly what it was). Off and on he said things like "I thought I'd at least get a chance" and "I just feel really blindsided by a divorce" and asked me "was it the dishonesty? I swear the only thing I lied to you about was the alcoholism" and "I wasn't lying before when I said if you left me I'd never be able to find another person" and "I'm broken."

It definitely sucks, and hurts, but I think telling him outright when he asked was the better choice than keeping up pretenses until he was served. I flipped a bit between hurt and frustrated and annoyed. I kept myself from retorting that yes, in fact he did get "a chance". He got a lot of them. I've been trying to talk to him about separation and divorce for months now. I see the pity party he's on right now, and feel both pain and frustration with it. I was mostly quiet last night while we sat on the couch and processed, until I went on a walk for a little over an hour and joined my support group on zoom. It was good to talk with them, even if it's tough hearing the others in similar situations. It helps to have that community, just as it does on here.

So it's tough right now. Very tense and awkward at home, but I feel like I'm doing the right thing. Of course worries about him harming himself or acting self destructively arise, but I remind myself being with him didn't stop those actions either. Hopefully he recovers a bit and can come to terms with what's going on, and work with me through this process

velma929

You know what? If you're never ever going to fully love him or trust him again, he should be free to go his own way. You're not just doing the right thing for you, but for him, too. I doubt very much that would be a comfort to him but that's what I think.

Sometimes, there's just been too much hurt.

lessgravity

I read through your posts this morning and I wanted to post to say that your strength, balance and compassion are so impressive. I am sorry that you have had to endure what you have. But I'm also inspired by your openness, willingness to share and the care with which you have tried to deal with your AH. It's clear you deserve a better life and I'm confident it's in your future.
​​​L

Cookie314

To Velma: I agree he wouldn't be comforted by it, but I also agree it's the right thing for both of us. The future is unknown, maybe some day I could learn to trust him again, but idk. I don't really want to say that to him either, to give him a false hope or idea that the divorce is conditional on x amount of time. Hopefully someday he can prove to both of us that he can dedicate himself to recovery.

To lessgravity: Thank you so much, that really means a lot to me. I try to always treat him compassionately, even if sometimes I'd rather treat him to a good shaking 😏 I know things will improve with time, we've just gotta get through the tough stuff in the present to get there.

PeacefulWater12

Hello Cookie

What you say about you always treating him compassionately jumped out at me. I did that too with my AH, then when he died I had nothing to regret or beat myself up about. I would think you can be the same about your AH. The compassion I treated my husband with was for ME.

You being that way with him hopefully will ease your journey forward as it has mine. I don't have memories of ME acting badly to have to recover from. I can now focus on my life and myself.

At the times when he was baiting me or trying to provoke an argument, I would bear this in mind that I was building a clearer way for my future. Less wreckage for me to have to deal with.

I feel it is far more important how we ourselves act than anyone else. Their behaviour is on them. My behaviour is on me and my self esteem. Me screaming insults at someone would not sit well in me. More work I would then have to do to recover from.

I agree with your observation about his comment lamenting that he can't drink due to the med he is currently on is validation to you that your decision is the right one. Also his self pitying outlook towards your parting and lack of him taking responsibility.

Thank you for sharing your journey here.

sage1969

Cookie,
You show remarkable grace. You do have to take care of you, and if this choice is necessary for you to be well, then it is the right choice. He also has some choices, like focusing on recovery, instead of attempting manipulate you and showing no ability for remorse for his actions.
Be kind to yourself. You can do this.

Cookie314

To peacefulwaters: The knowledge that I've never been intentionally hurtful or mistreating is comforting. I know in my heart I didn't maliciously cause him pain, even if some of my actions like this have hurt. I'm sorry you had to lose your husband in such a way though. Going through that is never easy.

Sage: Thank you. I also hope he'll be able to choose to focus on his recovery. I do think he feels remorse, but he's so lost in guilt and pain internally, that he looks at it as "something is wrong with me" instead of actions for him to work on. Like I said, it's painful and frustrating. There's just no way to get him to see the pain in a constructive way though, he'll have to reach that point himself. I really appreciate your encouragement.

dandylion

cookie----I agree that it was the best choice to tell him the truth, straight out. He is experiencing the natural consequences of his actions. This is a part of his learning to live llife on life's terms.
There are times that the right thing is also the hardest thing.

You are absolutely entitled to put your own welfare as a priority in your life. You can never be sure that anyone else is going to take responsibility for it.

BlownOne

Cookie, I was in your husband's shoes about 6 years ago. But my ex held firm and gave me the boot, and I'm glad she did. It was the one thing that finally got me to straighten out and fly right. Actions have consequences. The sooner he figures it out, the better. Don't back down. As for me, I'm thankful my ex gave me the boot because I wouldn't go back to her now if my life depended on it. Your husband will survive. Divorce sucks, but not as bad as being trapped in alcoholism or in an alcoholic relationship. Peace to you!

Cookie314

Thanks dandylion, it helps to hear you agree, I value your opinion a lot. I think it is more fair for both of us ultimately to say so like I did. I hope he's able to learn his better coping skills.

Blownone, it helps to hear that perspective. Do you mind me asking if you still have any contact or friendship with your ex?

Eauchiche

Dear Cookie
You are a tower of strength to all the rest of us. I am so sorry you and he have to be in the same house. It would be hard enough to tell him about the divorce in separate houses.
Like I have heard in the programs: nothing changes if nothing changes.
I also believe there is no benefit for you staying in such a marriage. If you did, it would be two people taken down by alcoholism instead of one.

Cookie314

Thank you so much Eauchiche. I'm glad I'm able to help you guys like you help me. I hope he is able to recover this time. The tricky part now will be navigating everything involved in divorce and mediation while hunting for an apartment. If he's able to stay sober though it should make things much easier on both of us.

BlownOne

Cookie, actually yes. My ex and I actually get along fine. I try to be the best dad I can to our girls and a decent ex husband to her (kind of a "walking amends" they call it in AA). I take my sobreity seriously and in a weird way I have her to thank for it. That being said, the vast majority of alcoholics don't get help. I was very blessed.

Cookie314

That's comforting to hear. All of this gets so confusing. I don't want to lose all contact with him if he's able to focus on his recovery. I still love him of course, I just can't stay in this current situation. I hope we're able to reach that point where we can maintain a friendship.

LovelyKaya33333

Cookie.... Just checking in to see how you are doing with everything going on this morning. Your Grace and Strength in all of this is very admirable ...

Cookie314

I'm doing alright. More tired than anything else honestly. This week is shut down at the plant, but it puts maintenance (my department) into overdrive, so the whole week has been 10 hour days that start at 5 am. I'm definitely going to sleep away most of this weekend.

Things are tense and awkward with my AH, but not antagonistic. He's been attending his meetings and seeing a counselor, hopefully he keeps that up. If he can maintain this sobriety is gives me hope for retaining a friendship after our separation.

Spiderweb

Cookie, I am going through the same process now, but we are living separately. You are showing so much grace and strength, it’s admirable. I have found relief in filing for divorce knowing that the law will do what is fair and I no longer have to try and reason with an unreasonable alcoholic. It is so tough but I hope you are finding some peace and relief as well.

Cookie314

Yeah, the fact that it forces his hand helped push to me file. I knew that if I didn't, both of us would find ways to procrastinate and keep things limping along the status quo. This helps keep both of us in track and moving forward.

trailmix

Yes, this is a tough time. I have been divorced twice and still remain friendly with both ex's - one moved away so don't speak to him really but I could. I think separation emotionally is important initially, that puts you on the right course for friendship, you will handle it, of this I am sure.

When will one of you move out?

Cookie314

I plan to move, since I can't afford the house on my own, and he doesn't want to give it up. I'm not sure for when. I'm hoping to move into a larger apartment with my sister and her husband. It depends on how long it takes to get the mortgage put fully in his name. I'm currently the one paying it every month, and can't afford both it and rent. I'm also afraid of committing to an apartment while my name is still on the loan. If something happens to him or his job, I can float the house alone for a short time. I definitely couldn't if I was paying rent though. So hopefully we can push that through relatively quickly.