Dysfunctional family
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Dysfunctional family
Dear Members:
Thanks for your wonderful threads and posts you shared with your heartfelt stories and advises. So insightful and helpful. I am around on this forum for about three years.
Recently, I got this immense awareness that I might be lost child of dysfunctional family. On May, I lost my eldest sister by suicide, which is painful and heavy. Until, now I never would think that my family were dysfunctional since parents never drunk or showed any other violence. But, the more I read, the more I know about dysfynctional family. It's not only related alcohol, but chronic conflict, family feud and tention in the family household. My mother with three children married my dad in 1976. By the time, my father was in military and mother was flight attendant. So, they worked nights and days so hard, mostly absent. But we lived together with father's family (it's like village, where all households like my uncles, aunts, and grandma, my household live in big yard,each has seperate wooden house) (my grandma and my older siblings usually took care of me and my younger sister). Since, then my two oldest sister were hitting teen age years by the time I was born, so there were always tensions I remember when I became older. My oldest sister was really fighther she did not like to be looked down by others. When my father's side's uncles and aunts treated unfairly, my only sister fought them as a teenager while our parents for work. So there is life time feauds between my oldest sisters and my grandma, aunts. As an adult now (44 years old female), I never had clear memory of my childhood. But all remember was tension, my mother and sisters constant complaining and disappointment with my dad and his family, even was physical fight between my sister and other family members. oh,,,, just so sad. Then my parents got early retirement. Life hit really hard without steady income during the early 90s. My older sister became very rebellious, she always blamed mom and dad for everything, she was raped by her unclein law( my mother's sister's husband while she was babysitting, but we never knew that until 2015, she was drunk on the that man's funeral morning she bursted out and told me) Life was so unfair my older sister, even she was kindest and very caring. Sadly, most of the time, I avoided from her b/c of my childhood memory how she caused the tensions in the family and other things. Later in her until she died, she was mostly drunk and still never get over that childhood tensions from my dad's side. I also blamed and avoided from my older sister, she caused pain, shame to my mother and father when she adolescent. My mother died only 49 b/c of heartbroken when my dad left the household b/c by my older brother's one-time physical violence when he was drunk and younger, my mom was left so heartbroken, she died of meningits that year. I am so over my mom's death since I was 18 by that time.
But now, I really regret that I was emotionally aloof from my oldest sister and she died, I havent seen her for over 2 years. She helped a lot to bringining up my youner sister's three kids, when they were little and she always reached out me on the phone. But I never had urge to see her even she always invited me to her place.... now I feel regret, guilt and daily struggling with what if I hyphthesis??????
My second' oldest sister when she was young she married very horrible man as her second husband who murdered my nephew who was 2 years old, I was 16 by the time. since then i always scared to death when my sister married her 3rd hubsand later, I was scared what if this husband kills my other left nephew? I always had this caution, even he was good man, so my younger sister and I talked to my second oldest sister to let him go India to be monk,, she agreed just in terms learning buddhist teachings in forieign country, but now I regret that b/c my nephew studies in India through his teen year upon 18 years old, but he decided not to be monk, he just jumped into manual jobs since he didnot obtain high school leaving certificate and no college education. Now, I feel its my fault, when I was younger, I was scared to death of thinking old memory, i acted so bad, sent my nephew.... But now, he is fine, he earns money well and has his own family.
I was also molested by my secon'd sister's first husband when I was around 15, but I neved dared to tell any one. still noone, I remember when I was kid, that my father's side of uncle was so harassing physically, we always scared from him to be beaten, he also sexually tried to my two older sisters, creepy.
All these childhood memories, I recall, I never had peaceful household or family, my mother was sad all the time and my sisters were always blamed my parents and my grandma and economic hardship always we faced I remember, my oldests sister and brother we used to cook food and sell occassionally.
Even my mother was alive and healthy, she told me, as if she knew that she was dying soon, she asked me a favour "please take care of your older sister". But I never really took care of my sister b/c there was no need or urge to because my older sister had good husband even she divorced later in life, and her children were financially off, so they took care of her. But, I should have emotionally supported her,,,,,, that's why i regret now......... I occassionaly send her pity cash via bank, that's all. We had two ugly quarrels throughout lifetime, but other than that never had tension badly, but somehow I avoided from her, b/c my sister always tend to go back in the past and talk abount unpleasant things that is related my beloved grandma and my father.
After my college, here, wanted to study abroad and got my master degree in abroad, I believed and anticipated that I would marry off well and career woman with degrees, however I ended up single now and never married, only met unavailable men and had relationship with alcoholic man in last 6 years on and off. Life never became what I visualized and I always had so low- self esteem, and timid, not assertive at my work place. I never understood my psychology, I thought I worked hard and studied hard, but I never get promoted or assertive at my career, now I am un-employed since my last was ended at the end of March.
What's wrong with me? I always took care of my younger sister's three children financially and emotionally, since I live with the all mylife, in my culture (asian) its fine sibling can live with another siblings family, no big deal....
Recently, I read about dysfuncional family and understood finally, I am the lost child of the dysfunctional family.I really want to change my life and my perspective and live with assertiviness not timid all the time. Without fear.
Could you please help to refer free online mental health counsiling that is available?
Thank you,
Ekhbaa
Thanks for your wonderful threads and posts you shared with your heartfelt stories and advises. So insightful and helpful. I am around on this forum for about three years.
Recently, I got this immense awareness that I might be lost child of dysfunctional family. On May, I lost my eldest sister by suicide, which is painful and heavy. Until, now I never would think that my family were dysfunctional since parents never drunk or showed any other violence. But, the more I read, the more I know about dysfynctional family. It's not only related alcohol, but chronic conflict, family feud and tention in the family household. My mother with three children married my dad in 1976. By the time, my father was in military and mother was flight attendant. So, they worked nights and days so hard, mostly absent. But we lived together with father's family (it's like village, where all households like my uncles, aunts, and grandma, my household live in big yard,each has seperate wooden house) (my grandma and my older siblings usually took care of me and my younger sister). Since, then my two oldest sister were hitting teen age years by the time I was born, so there were always tensions I remember when I became older. My oldest sister was really fighther she did not like to be looked down by others. When my father's side's uncles and aunts treated unfairly, my only sister fought them as a teenager while our parents for work. So there is life time feauds between my oldest sisters and my grandma, aunts. As an adult now (44 years old female), I never had clear memory of my childhood. But all remember was tension, my mother and sisters constant complaining and disappointment with my dad and his family, even was physical fight between my sister and other family members. oh,,,, just so sad. Then my parents got early retirement. Life hit really hard without steady income during the early 90s. My older sister became very rebellious, she always blamed mom and dad for everything, she was raped by her unclein law( my mother's sister's husband while she was babysitting, but we never knew that until 2015, she was drunk on the that man's funeral morning she bursted out and told me) Life was so unfair my older sister, even she was kindest and very caring. Sadly, most of the time, I avoided from her b/c of my childhood memory how she caused the tensions in the family and other things. Later in her until she died, she was mostly drunk and still never get over that childhood tensions from my dad's side. I also blamed and avoided from my older sister, she caused pain, shame to my mother and father when she adolescent. My mother died only 49 b/c of heartbroken when my dad left the household b/c by my older brother's one-time physical violence when he was drunk and younger, my mom was left so heartbroken, she died of meningits that year. I am so over my mom's death since I was 18 by that time.
But now, I really regret that I was emotionally aloof from my oldest sister and she died, I havent seen her for over 2 years. She helped a lot to bringining up my youner sister's three kids, when they were little and she always reached out me on the phone. But I never had urge to see her even she always invited me to her place.... now I feel regret, guilt and daily struggling with what if I hyphthesis??????
My second' oldest sister when she was young she married very horrible man as her second husband who murdered my nephew who was 2 years old, I was 16 by the time. since then i always scared to death when my sister married her 3rd hubsand later, I was scared what if this husband kills my other left nephew? I always had this caution, even he was good man, so my younger sister and I talked to my second oldest sister to let him go India to be monk,, she agreed just in terms learning buddhist teachings in forieign country, but now I regret that b/c my nephew studies in India through his teen year upon 18 years old, but he decided not to be monk, he just jumped into manual jobs since he didnot obtain high school leaving certificate and no college education. Now, I feel its my fault, when I was younger, I was scared to death of thinking old memory, i acted so bad, sent my nephew.... But now, he is fine, he earns money well and has his own family.
I was also molested by my secon'd sister's first husband when I was around 15, but I neved dared to tell any one. still noone, I remember when I was kid, that my father's side of uncle was so harassing physically, we always scared from him to be beaten, he also sexually tried to my two older sisters, creepy.
All these childhood memories, I recall, I never had peaceful household or family, my mother was sad all the time and my sisters were always blamed my parents and my grandma and economic hardship always we faced I remember, my oldests sister and brother we used to cook food and sell occassionally.
Even my mother was alive and healthy, she told me, as if she knew that she was dying soon, she asked me a favour "please take care of your older sister". But I never really took care of my sister b/c there was no need or urge to because my older sister had good husband even she divorced later in life, and her children were financially off, so they took care of her. But, I should have emotionally supported her,,,,,, that's why i regret now......... I occassionaly send her pity cash via bank, that's all. We had two ugly quarrels throughout lifetime, but other than that never had tension badly, but somehow I avoided from her, b/c my sister always tend to go back in the past and talk abount unpleasant things that is related my beloved grandma and my father.
After my college, here, wanted to study abroad and got my master degree in abroad, I believed and anticipated that I would marry off well and career woman with degrees, however I ended up single now and never married, only met unavailable men and had relationship with alcoholic man in last 6 years on and off. Life never became what I visualized and I always had so low- self esteem, and timid, not assertive at my work place. I never understood my psychology, I thought I worked hard and studied hard, but I never get promoted or assertive at my career, now I am un-employed since my last was ended at the end of March.
What's wrong with me? I always took care of my younger sister's three children financially and emotionally, since I live with the all mylife, in my culture (asian) its fine sibling can live with another siblings family, no big deal....
Recently, I read about dysfuncional family and understood finally, I am the lost child of the dysfunctional family.I really want to change my life and my perspective and live with assertiviness not timid all the time. Without fear.
Could you please help to refer free online mental health counsiling that is available?
Thank you,
Ekhbaa
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
My previous threads
Three to four years ago I posted as following in the forum, unfortunately I could not access with my old accounts, so I had to open new account to be member again.https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=9095664
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=9095666
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...archid=9095666
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Links on the free counsiling
I have found this link on the free counsiling. https://www.onlinetherapy.com/free-online-therapy-chat/
Did anyone use these lists here yet? Please share your experience in terms of how it works and reliability etc.....
Did anyone use these lists here yet? Please share your experience in terms of how it works and reliability etc.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Dear Enkbaa, I am so sorry for your pain. You have had a tremendous amount of trauma in your childhood. Often those of us with this sort of trauma, abuse and chaos in our childhhood develop certain coping mechanisms as children, that are no longer effective when we become adults. I would suggest you take a look at the site of Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families (ACOA). I will include the link.
I first found out about this organization from a therapist when I was having personal relationship difficulties, and it opened my eyes as to why I often behaved in certain ways and had dysfunctional relationships. My childhood was traumatic and much of it remains blocked from my memory. This is a worldwide organization and there are online meetings. Of course as always, never share your personal information with others online as there are predators everywhere. I am sorry, but I have never had online therapy.
https://adultchildren.org
I first found out about this organization from a therapist when I was having personal relationship difficulties, and it opened my eyes as to why I often behaved in certain ways and had dysfunctional relationships. My childhood was traumatic and much of it remains blocked from my memory. This is a worldwide organization and there are online meetings. Of course as always, never share your personal information with others online as there are predators everywhere. I am sorry, but I have never had online therapy.
https://adultchildren.org
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Location: MN
Posts: 63
Thanks
Dear Advbike,
Thank you so much for your response with kind thoughts. I really appreciate it. Its so comforting when you accept my situation and re-assure what I think or doubt. In our country we do not have this kind of program except AA, that's why I wanted online to reach out, before I always obsessed with my boyfriend who was alcholic and his problems, but I never address my problems that are deep rooted since childhood, I did not that much recognised or accepted that my family background was dysfunctional. But, since my sister's suicide, I never ever felt anything again with the ex boyfriend, prior to my sister's death i was still talking to my Ex and even met during the day time with him when said he built the new house for us to be living, I was so happy for that and see the construction, still loved him. But when my sister died he never came to my family or showed any empath, except drunk calls until funeral. I really expected him to come and offer the empathy for me and my family.Since then, something really fundemantally from inside, something for this man was gone. Now, I think, I always struggled to let go this relationship but now I wow, is that simple? Now, I have no feeling or remorse on that man, nothing nothing...... no hard feeling ever..... basically I dont care anything about him....
Now, I really try to focus on my self and my recovery, I tend to be daydreaming of my sister, what if, wish I did,,,,,,, bla bla....... miss my sister terribly everyday. That I was not empathic for her and always blamed her, I feel so terrible and guilt for my ignorance of my sister.
Thank you so much for your response with kind thoughts. I really appreciate it. Its so comforting when you accept my situation and re-assure what I think or doubt. In our country we do not have this kind of program except AA, that's why I wanted online to reach out, before I always obsessed with my boyfriend who was alcholic and his problems, but I never address my problems that are deep rooted since childhood, I did not that much recognised or accepted that my family background was dysfunctional. But, since my sister's suicide, I never ever felt anything again with the ex boyfriend, prior to my sister's death i was still talking to my Ex and even met during the day time with him when said he built the new house for us to be living, I was so happy for that and see the construction, still loved him. But when my sister died he never came to my family or showed any empath, except drunk calls until funeral. I really expected him to come and offer the empathy for me and my family.Since then, something really fundemantally from inside, something for this man was gone. Now, I think, I always struggled to let go this relationship but now I wow, is that simple? Now, I have no feeling or remorse on that man, nothing nothing...... no hard feeling ever..... basically I dont care anything about him....
Now, I really try to focus on my self and my recovery, I tend to be daydreaming of my sister, what if, wish I did,,,,,,, bla bla....... miss my sister terribly everyday. That I was not empathic for her and always blamed her, I feel so terrible and guilt for my ignorance of my sister.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I understand completely Enkbaa. I have lived with guilt myself, for many years, from not being there with my father when he died of his alcoholism. We weren't very close because he was an absent father, living overseas when I was growing up, which caused me problems as a young man and probably had to do with my own struggles with alcohol. And he had issues, like we all do. So I was notified by a hospital that he was in a detox facility, but they said it wasn't urgent and I was in Hawaii for a work event, so I didn't immediately fly back. In fact I took my time. Then a few days later, he died. Just like that. All alone. I felt so terrible for not going back immediately and it is still probably the biggest regret I have. I kept imagining it and beating myself up, for decades. But I have been able to let go of most of my guilt over time. I suspect he also wanted to go. The life he had loved was long gone.
It is important to acknowledge our feelings, and sadness, and in your case - her pain. Those are all real. But also know that this is a very strong trait that we have as ACOA's - feeling guilt over everything. We tend to own all of it and feel that if we had just done things differently it would have turned out differently, but in most cases it wouldn't have. You had nothing to do with her decision or action to take her life Enkbaa. She chose to take that step to end her pain from those events earlier in her life.
You must also remember that you knew nothing of your sister's condition. You could not have known how vulnerable she was, and she did not tell you. You were just living life and doing the best you could. We all have issues with our siblings, it is part of the family dynamic, especially when there has been dysfunction. So you are not to blame in any way. She loved you and she knew that you loved her, even if you might not have expressed it. What she did was for her own reasons. You must forgive yourself for not being a perfect sister. No one is a perfect sibling.
Another thing I did, on the recommendation of my sponsor - I wrote a letter to my deceased father, thanking him for doing his best he could for us, and telling him I know he had problems too, and a lot of pain, and how much I loved him... and I read that letter to my sponsor as a 9th step. It really helped - maybe doing something like that for your sister would help you too.
I am also glad that you came to the realization about your ex, and his lack of empathy. It is so important to have empathy for others, it is a big part of our human-ness. We as ACOA's have a lot of it which is a good thing, as long as we balance it against our own needs.
I wish you healing and peace Enkbaa.
It is important to acknowledge our feelings, and sadness, and in your case - her pain. Those are all real. But also know that this is a very strong trait that we have as ACOA's - feeling guilt over everything. We tend to own all of it and feel that if we had just done things differently it would have turned out differently, but in most cases it wouldn't have. You had nothing to do with her decision or action to take her life Enkbaa. She chose to take that step to end her pain from those events earlier in her life.
You must also remember that you knew nothing of your sister's condition. You could not have known how vulnerable she was, and she did not tell you. You were just living life and doing the best you could. We all have issues with our siblings, it is part of the family dynamic, especially when there has been dysfunction. So you are not to blame in any way. She loved you and she knew that you loved her, even if you might not have expressed it. What she did was for her own reasons. You must forgive yourself for not being a perfect sister. No one is a perfect sibling.
Another thing I did, on the recommendation of my sponsor - I wrote a letter to my deceased father, thanking him for doing his best he could for us, and telling him I know he had problems too, and a lot of pain, and how much I loved him... and I read that letter to my sponsor as a 9th step. It really helped - maybe doing something like that for your sister would help you too.
I am also glad that you came to the realization about your ex, and his lack of empathy. It is so important to have empathy for others, it is a big part of our human-ness. We as ACOA's have a lot of it which is a good thing, as long as we balance it against our own needs.
I wish you healing and peace Enkbaa.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
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Dear Advbika,
Sorry to hear your dad and you regrets that you felt that time, maybe I am not really missing my sister that often since we did not do any activities together as fun or close but you are right, in deep down she loved and me I loved her but never were close enough. At the moment, i was guilt ridden, I will write the letter to my sister, thanks for suggesting that, its good idea. Thanks for sharing your stories, regrets and feelings you went through......
Family, parents engagement play a huge role in children's fate, even though every child come to world with their own destiny and karma, but enviroinment/nurturing is a big course of children's fate direction.
My parents were very hard working people they worked hard, themselves never had bas behavior, only they were just absend b/c of work demand. By my high school years, I stayed one one uncle's place to babysitting and also I improved my school environment in the city area my parents believed that my grade will be improved on the school subject if I stay at my unclea's area. That time my uncle was pretty that time drunk and as well as aggresive, as a kid I observed how my uncle's wife was patient and stayed with him all the time, now they are together and my uncle does not drink anymore. So, I know alcoholic environment so much,I ended up partnering with alcholic man with the hope he would change, bun I once knew his personality since my sister's death, I just have mothing for him.....
Thanks dera Advbike for your all kind responses and encouragement. I believe I will stick around on the forum, read, educate myself and share. Have a lovely evening there!
Sorry to hear your dad and you regrets that you felt that time, maybe I am not really missing my sister that often since we did not do any activities together as fun or close but you are right, in deep down she loved and me I loved her but never were close enough. At the moment, i was guilt ridden, I will write the letter to my sister, thanks for suggesting that, its good idea. Thanks for sharing your stories, regrets and feelings you went through......
Family, parents engagement play a huge role in children's fate, even though every child come to world with their own destiny and karma, but enviroinment/nurturing is a big course of children's fate direction.
My parents were very hard working people they worked hard, themselves never had bas behavior, only they were just absend b/c of work demand. By my high school years, I stayed one one uncle's place to babysitting and also I improved my school environment in the city area my parents believed that my grade will be improved on the school subject if I stay at my unclea's area. That time my uncle was pretty that time drunk and as well as aggresive, as a kid I observed how my uncle's wife was patient and stayed with him all the time, now they are together and my uncle does not drink anymore. So, I know alcoholic environment so much,I ended up partnering with alcholic man with the hope he would change, bun I once knew his personality since my sister's death, I just have mothing for him.....
Thanks dera Advbike for your all kind responses and encouragement. I believe I will stick around on the forum, read, educate myself and share. Have a lovely evening there!
Originally Posted by advbike 
I understand completely Enkbaa. I have lived with guilt myself, for many years, from not being there with my father when he died of his alcoholism. We weren't very close because he was an absent father, living overseas when I was growing up, which caused me problems as a young man and probably had to do with my own struggles with alcohol. And he had issues, like we all do. So I was notified by a hospital that he was in a detox facility, but they said it wasn't urgent and I was in Hawaii for a work event, so I didn't immediately fly back. In fact I took my time. Then a few days later, he died. Just like that. All alone. I felt so terrible for not going back immediately and it is still probably the biggest regret I have. I kept imagining it and beating myself up, for decades. But I have been able to let go of most of my guilt over time. I suspect he also wanted to go. The life he had loved was long gone.
It is important to acknowledge our feelings, and sadness, and in your case - her pain. Those are all real. But also know that this is a very strong trait that we have as ACOA's - feeling guilt over everything. We tend to own all of it and feel that if we had just done things differently it would have turned out differently, but in most cases it wouldn't have. You had nothing to do with her decision or action to take her life Enkbaa. She chose to take that step to end her pain from those events earlier in her life.
You must also remember that you knew nothing of your sister's condition. You could not have known how vulnerable she was, and she did not tell you. You were just living life and doing the best you could. We all have issues with our siblings, it is part of the family dynamic, especially when there has been dysfunction. So you are not to blame in any way. She loved you and she knew that you loved her, even if you might not have expressed it. What she did was for her own reasons. You must forgive yourself for not being a perfect sister. No one is a perfect sibling.
Another thing I did, on the recommendation of my sponsor - I wrote a letter to my deceased father, thanking him for doing his best he could for us, and telling him I know he had problems too, and a lot of pain, and how much I loved him... and I read that letter to my sponsor as a 9th step. It really helped - maybe doing something like that for your sister would help you too.
I am also glad that you came to the realization about your ex, and his lack of empathy. It is so important to have empathy for others, it is a big part of our human-ness. We as ACOA's have a lot of it which is a good thing, as long as we balance it against our own needs.
I wish you healing and peace Enkbaa.
It is important to acknowledge our feelings, and sadness, and in your case - her pain. Those are all real. But also know that this is a very strong trait that we have as ACOA's - feeling guilt over everything. We tend to own all of it and feel that if we had just done things differently it would have turned out differently, but in most cases it wouldn't have. You had nothing to do with her decision or action to take her life Enkbaa. She chose to take that step to end her pain from those events earlier in her life.
You must also remember that you knew nothing of your sister's condition. You could not have known how vulnerable she was, and she did not tell you. You were just living life and doing the best you could. We all have issues with our siblings, it is part of the family dynamic, especially when there has been dysfunction. So you are not to blame in any way. She loved you and she knew that you loved her, even if you might not have expressed it. What she did was for her own reasons. You must forgive yourself for not being a perfect sister. No one is a perfect sibling.
Another thing I did, on the recommendation of my sponsor - I wrote a letter to my deceased father, thanking him for doing his best he could for us, and telling him I know he had problems too, and a lot of pain, and how much I loved him... and I read that letter to my sponsor as a 9th step. It really helped - maybe doing something like that for your sister would help you too.
I am also glad that you came to the realization about your ex, and his lack of empathy. It is so important to have empathy for others, it is a big part of our human-ness. We as ACOA's have a lot of it which is a good thing, as long as we balance it against our own needs.
I wish you healing and peace Enkbaa.
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