My addict ex went back to his ex
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My addict ex went back to his ex
I just wanted to vent a bit as I have no one in real life to say it to. Everyone assumes that I am over it all, and mostly, I feel like I am. It has been 9 months since I last spoke to my ex. We were together for 2 years and he was addicted to crack and ketamine. The relationship was stormy to say the least. He lied to me, manipulated me, pushed me to the floor more than once, broke several of my phones and smashed a couple of my tv sets whilst in the grip of drug induced paranoia. I really should be glad to be rid of him. And I am, for the most part. My life has been peaceful and uncomplicated since I walked away. I was turning into someone I didn't like, the longer I stayed with him. He would keep in touch with his exes, especially messaging them when we had fought, to make me jealous and upset me, according to him. This made me very insecure. I was not very confident to start with. I loved him because obviously he also showed me a good part of him too. That is what kept me there. I wanted so much to believe that the good side of him would prevail and he would get help for his addiction and magically everything would be ok.
Anyway, eventually I couldn't take any more and I left, but not before giving him yet another chance when again he let me down for drugs. I had to get some self respect back. I still had a silent hope that he would see sense eventually after I had gone. I know this was foolish of me. Well, now I have learned that he has returned to one of the exes whom he kept on standby. She is also an addict and is currently in NA, but I have heard that they have drug fuelled blow ups. She posts on social media as though he is the best thing ever, understands her so well etc. It is as though she is speaking about a different person to the guy that I experienced. The one who never tried to understand my feelings, who treat me with zero respect. I feel like if he ever loved me at all ( I suspect he didn't), he could not have gone straight back to this ex. I guess I just hate the fact that he might be treating her well when he couldn't bring himself to be good to me. To my knowledge he is not in NA himself, I know it doesn't concern me but I just can't help but feel upset by this. I guess I still held out some vain hope, and obviously that has gone now. It is for the best, yet I still can't stop it hurting entirely. He was never who I thought he was.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read my post.
Anyway, eventually I couldn't take any more and I left, but not before giving him yet another chance when again he let me down for drugs. I had to get some self respect back. I still had a silent hope that he would see sense eventually after I had gone. I know this was foolish of me. Well, now I have learned that he has returned to one of the exes whom he kept on standby. She is also an addict and is currently in NA, but I have heard that they have drug fuelled blow ups. She posts on social media as though he is the best thing ever, understands her so well etc. It is as though she is speaking about a different person to the guy that I experienced. The one who never tried to understand my feelings, who treat me with zero respect. I feel like if he ever loved me at all ( I suspect he didn't), he could not have gone straight back to this ex. I guess I just hate the fact that he might be treating her well when he couldn't bring himself to be good to me. To my knowledge he is not in NA himself, I know it doesn't concern me but I just can't help but feel upset by this. I guess I still held out some vain hope, and obviously that has gone now. It is for the best, yet I still can't stop it hurting entirely. He was never who I thought he was.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read my post.
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Hes a crack & ketamine addict. Thats a wicked bad combination of drugs. The way he acted & how badly you were treated maybe your lucky to be alive.
His Ex is an addict & current attending NA. He is not attending NA she supposedly is. How long do you think she will stay clean if shes with him while he is using. If shes even clean at all. Two active addicts together - one of them, as long as they are together, has like zero chance of getting clean. You already said youve heard of drug fueled blow ups. He isnt acting any differently than he did with you. There is no magic cure it just doesnt work that way. Hes addicted to crack & ketamine!!!! Hes out of his mind.
Enough of him! What about you & your life. You said "My life has been peaceful and uncomplicated since I walked away" Yes I understand that statement & so has my life. So obviously that part alone hasnt totally done it for you. You still have more to work through with this for yourself. Its ok your still hurting. From what you wrote above it sounds like he took advantage of you & worked you over. I give you a lot of credit for having the courage to leave & taking back some of your self respect.
Hes a crack & ketamine addict. Thats a wicked bad combination of drugs. The way he acted & how badly you were treated maybe your lucky to be alive.
His Ex is an addict & current attending NA. He is not attending NA she supposedly is. How long do you think she will stay clean if shes with him while he is using. If shes even clean at all. Two active addicts together - one of them, as long as they are together, has like zero chance of getting clean. You already said youve heard of drug fueled blow ups. He isnt acting any differently than he did with you. There is no magic cure it just doesnt work that way. Hes addicted to crack & ketamine!!!! Hes out of his mind.
Enough of him! What about you & your life. You said "My life has been peaceful and uncomplicated since I walked away" Yes I understand that statement & so has my life. So obviously that part alone hasnt totally done it for you. You still have more to work through with this for yourself. Its ok your still hurting. From what you wrote above it sounds like he took advantage of you & worked you over. I give you a lot of credit for having the courage to leave & taking back some of your self respect.
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Originally Posted by HardLessons 
IM
Hes a crack & ketamine addict. Thats a wicked bad combination of drugs. The way he acted & how badly you were treated maybe your lucky to be alive.
His Ex is an addict & current attending NA. He is not attending NA she supposedly is. How long do you think she will stay clean if shes with him while he is using. If shes even clean at all. Two active addicts together - one of them, as long as they are together, has like zero chance of getting clean. You already said youve heard of drug fueled blow ups. He isnt acting any differently than he did with you. There is no magic cure it just doesnt work that way. Hes addicted to crack & ketamine!!!! Hes out of his mind.
Enough of him! What about you & your life. You said "My life has been peaceful and uncomplicated since I walked away" Yes I understand that statement & so has my life. So obviously that part alone hasnt totally done it for you. You still have more to work through with this for yourself. Its ok your still hurting. From what you wrote above it sounds like he took advantage of you & worked you over. I give you a lot of credit for having the courage to leave & taking back some of your self respect.
Hes a crack & ketamine addict. Thats a wicked bad combination of drugs. The way he acted & how badly you were treated maybe your lucky to be alive.
His Ex is an addict & current attending NA. He is not attending NA she supposedly is. How long do you think she will stay clean if shes with him while he is using. If shes even clean at all. Two active addicts together - one of them, as long as they are together, has like zero chance of getting clean. You already said youve heard of drug fueled blow ups. He isnt acting any differently than he did with you. There is no magic cure it just doesnt work that way. Hes addicted to crack & ketamine!!!! Hes out of his mind.
Enough of him! What about you & your life. You said "My life has been peaceful and uncomplicated since I walked away" Yes I understand that statement & so has my life. So obviously that part alone hasnt totally done it for you. You still have more to work through with this for yourself. Its ok your still hurting. From what you wrote above it sounds like he took advantage of you & worked you over. I give you a lot of credit for having the courage to leave & taking back some of your self respect.
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Icemelon,
Congratulations! I'd like to give you a big round of applause for having the courage to walk away and re-gain your self respect.
Chances are he’s the same person with her. Who knows? Who cares? The fact remains: he's an addict with an addiction to feed. The way he treated you, that’s a reflection of his character. So no, highly unlikely that he is treating her better than you. It really is a foregone conclusion. The players change but the game remains the same! He might look like a darling with this new woman, but you know for a fact that life with your ex isn’t all roses. The new woman will be in your shoes very very soon. Remember what he was to you, then pity her, and somewhere between, say a prayer of thanks that its not you! His new girlfriends level of tolerance for his crap behavior may be higher because she is also an addict. Perhaps she is just far more lenient when it comes to his disrespectful ways than you were. Do yourself a favor, don't look at their social media, you are only hurting yourself. I wouldn’t believe everything you see either. You don't see the behind closed door situations. Please realize that sunshine and rainbows outlooks don't always mean there isn't storms and rainclouds behind the bright shine.
He has a drug addiction, he hasn't magically recovered and changed for her. Focus on healing yourself. He is an ex for a reason, leave him in the past. I know this is easier said than done, but you have to. He is with her, while you are wondering why this and that didn't or did happen…no freaking way…your focus needs to be you. The only benefit of the past is to learn from it. What's important to understand is, you left him, it shouldn't bother you how he lives his life after the breakup, redirect your focus on yourself. Your happiness matters. Remember, you are awesome and wonderful!!! Be kind to yourself and best wishes.
Congratulations! I'd like to give you a big round of applause for having the courage to walk away and re-gain your self respect.
Chances are he’s the same person with her. Who knows? Who cares? The fact remains: he's an addict with an addiction to feed. The way he treated you, that’s a reflection of his character. So no, highly unlikely that he is treating her better than you. It really is a foregone conclusion. The players change but the game remains the same! He might look like a darling with this new woman, but you know for a fact that life with your ex isn’t all roses. The new woman will be in your shoes very very soon. Remember what he was to you, then pity her, and somewhere between, say a prayer of thanks that its not you! His new girlfriends level of tolerance for his crap behavior may be higher because she is also an addict. Perhaps she is just far more lenient when it comes to his disrespectful ways than you were. Do yourself a favor, don't look at their social media, you are only hurting yourself. I wouldn’t believe everything you see either. You don't see the behind closed door situations. Please realize that sunshine and rainbows outlooks don't always mean there isn't storms and rainclouds behind the bright shine.
He has a drug addiction, he hasn't magically recovered and changed for her. Focus on healing yourself. He is an ex for a reason, leave him in the past. I know this is easier said than done, but you have to. He is with her, while you are wondering why this and that didn't or did happen…no freaking way…your focus needs to be you. The only benefit of the past is to learn from it. What's important to understand is, you left him, it shouldn't bother you how he lives his life after the breakup, redirect your focus on yourself. Your happiness matters. Remember, you are awesome and wonderful!!! Be kind to yourself and best wishes.
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I read some of what you wrote back back in 2018.
Unfortunately, you have been exposed too an extremely bad situation. The type of traumatic relationship which will probably take time for you to heal. My situation is honestly no different. In some measure its why I am still here. When I left her back in 2017 I clearly knew It was going to be extremely difficult & mostly like take a long time for me to fully get over it. Certainly it didnt help that she was intermittently popping back up.
You are best off out of that situation. There is no doubt in my mind. I hope you have the strength to not contact him. Some how I was able to find that strength. Try not to look at anything concerning him online or in social media. Whatever it is you see wont be good for you.
Dont let this situation hurt your self esteem. He isnt a regular normal type person. Hes a hardcore addict. Been an addict since he was a teen. Addicts know how to work people over. You got worked over by an addict. Same as me. Try & keep this in some healthy perspective. Go easy on yourself.
In the end, our addicts dont turn out to be who we once thought they were. I once told mine that she has more stories than Walt Disney. There was a time when I thought I knew her pretty well but now also question whether I knew her at all.
I read some of what you wrote back back in 2018.
Unfortunately, you have been exposed too an extremely bad situation. The type of traumatic relationship which will probably take time for you to heal. My situation is honestly no different. In some measure its why I am still here. When I left her back in 2017 I clearly knew It was going to be extremely difficult & mostly like take a long time for me to fully get over it. Certainly it didnt help that she was intermittently popping back up.
You are best off out of that situation. There is no doubt in my mind. I hope you have the strength to not contact him. Some how I was able to find that strength. Try not to look at anything concerning him online or in social media. Whatever it is you see wont be good for you.
Dont let this situation hurt your self esteem. He isnt a regular normal type person. Hes a hardcore addict. Been an addict since he was a teen. Addicts know how to work people over. You got worked over by an addict. Same as me. Try & keep this in some healthy perspective. Go easy on yourself.
In the end, our addicts dont turn out to be who we once thought they were. I once told mine that she has more stories than Walt Disney. There was a time when I thought I knew her pretty well but now also question whether I knew her at all.
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I was reading through some of my past posts too...urgh. It really makes me cringe now, to think I was sticking with him through all of that crazy behaviour. I think you're right, the traumatic nature of the whole thing somehow makes it harder to let go of the relationship. It's kind of like a scar on my psyche, which hopefully will continue to fade. I must stop looking online, as it opens it all back up again. I think it does help to post here. I almost didn't as I thought people would just think how silly I am to still even be stuck thinking back. It wasn't a normal relationship and very toxic. I won't ever contact him, I feel pretty sure of that at least. I do think the traumatic and unnatural nature of it all keeps us coming back to this forum. From reading other people's posts, its pretty clear that addicts seem to follow the same cruel narrative. We get used and misled, eventually we stop being useful, they move on and we are then forced to. They are not normal because they can go onto the next one without a second thought. So I guess it's harder for us, but who knows really. They are the ones stuck in addiction, I suppose.
I will keep on focusing on myself, I really don't do myself any favours at times. It is tough but eventually it will work out.
And you guys are right (I can't seem to quote messages) but I doubt he will change for anyone else. All we can really do is look out for ourselves. I wish the best for everyone else on here too, because it's a terrible thing to go through. At least we can learn from these experiences.
I will keep on focusing on myself, I really don't do myself any favours at times. It is tough but eventually it will work out.
And you guys are right (I can't seem to quote messages) but I doubt he will change for anyone else. All we can really do is look out for ourselves. I wish the best for everyone else on here too, because it's a terrible thing to go through. At least we can learn from these experiences.
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I honestly dont think anyone on this forum would think your silly for posting that you are still having difficulty. You wouldnt be the first to have such difficulty or the last.
Our addicts are always in the process of lining up new targets. If they have been a longer term addict they know its just a matter of time before things blow up. They need & have back ups in place & ready to go. This doesnt mean they let go of us easily, they love having control over us. They can however move on quickly when needed.
I honestly dont think anyone on this forum would think your silly for posting that you are still having difficulty. You wouldnt be the first to have such difficulty or the last.
Our addicts are always in the process of lining up new targets. If they have been a longer term addict they know its just a matter of time before things blow up. They need & have back ups in place & ready to go. This doesnt mean they let go of us easily, they love having control over us. They can however move on quickly when needed.
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Icemelon,
No one here on the forum thinks you're silly, please don't think that! You said some things that I related to, thanks for sharing. I left my ex fiancé who is an addict. I know it is really hard, I have never been so severely affected in a relationship and I'm not the same person...glad I got out, but I'll never be the same again. When you wrote "It's kind of like a scar on my psyche", I felt that all the way to my soul...I know the feeling all too well. Its common to feel mentally affected and traumatized after these types of relationships...I still feel haunted by the memories. I ask myself why my heart still hangs on memories of this guy despite the hell he showed me. No one has any idea how it feels unless they’ve experienced being in a relationship with an addict.
It hurt, but I know the best thing I ever did for ME was walk away and stop wasting my valuable energy trying to save something really not worth the efforts I was giving. Sometimes you just have to concede that some people won't ever change and/or just don't care, and the only thing you can do for your own sanity and wellbeing is to walk away. I know it feels devastating, he was the love of my life, or so I thought but I really am his greatest loss, whether he ever realizes it or not. I'm sure you did your very best to be a good partner to your ex, remember its his loss because he ended up missing out on a solid, loyal, honest person.
Remember, even though you feel broken by this experience, you can rebuild yourself, but your ex will likely be broken forever! He will continue to hurt everyone around him and himself. I know my ex fiancé is still the same selfish soul he's always been...no serious motivation to recover from his addiction...its sad. In the future I'm never going to give my all for anyone that doesn't desire to give theirs.
Healing ourselves...that’s where the power is now. You saved yourself from a toxic relationship. That takes tremendous courage. Always remember you are strong, brave and resilient!
No one here on the forum thinks you're silly, please don't think that! You said some things that I related to, thanks for sharing. I left my ex fiancé who is an addict. I know it is really hard, I have never been so severely affected in a relationship and I'm not the same person...glad I got out, but I'll never be the same again. When you wrote "It's kind of like a scar on my psyche", I felt that all the way to my soul...I know the feeling all too well. Its common to feel mentally affected and traumatized after these types of relationships...I still feel haunted by the memories. I ask myself why my heart still hangs on memories of this guy despite the hell he showed me. No one has any idea how it feels unless they’ve experienced being in a relationship with an addict.
It hurt, but I know the best thing I ever did for ME was walk away and stop wasting my valuable energy trying to save something really not worth the efforts I was giving. Sometimes you just have to concede that some people won't ever change and/or just don't care, and the only thing you can do for your own sanity and wellbeing is to walk away. I know it feels devastating, he was the love of my life, or so I thought but I really am his greatest loss, whether he ever realizes it or not. I'm sure you did your very best to be a good partner to your ex, remember its his loss because he ended up missing out on a solid, loyal, honest person.
Remember, even though you feel broken by this experience, you can rebuild yourself, but your ex will likely be broken forever! He will continue to hurt everyone around him and himself. I know my ex fiancé is still the same selfish soul he's always been...no serious motivation to recover from his addiction...its sad. In the future I'm never going to give my all for anyone that doesn't desire to give theirs.
Healing ourselves...that’s where the power is now. You saved yourself from a toxic relationship. That takes tremendous courage. Always remember you are strong, brave and resilient!
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Well I'm glad you can relate to what I have said, it means a lot. Though I'm sorry that you have been through the same kind of emotional wringer. It seems that a lot of us on here have. At least we can all relate to one another, and know that we are not alone in these feelings. I definitely feel it is a scar on the psyche, it is probably a lot more difficult to get over than the ending of a normal, healthy relationship. Even though that is of course an even greater loss...but the feeling that we have been used and abused takes longer to get over. Sometimes I get mad at myself that so much time as passed and I'm still ruminating. But we have to commend ourselves for our inner strength, that which helped us to move away from such toxicity. Sadly, the effects linger on, but hopefully we can all learn from one another as we put more distance between us and our addicts.
You're so right, the hardest thing is to realise the truth being that they simply didn't care. I spent the whole relationship looking for clues that he did, but it became obvious that it wasn't the case. A bitter pill to swallow. It might take us a little longer to get through it emotionally, but we are strong and it can and will be done. I think, even though it is possible for addicts to recover, a lot of them don't have that inner strength to do so, therefore they will always move onto someone else with ease. Someone else who will put up with their sh*t, which will most likely be only temporary anyway.
Talking to you guys on here really helps. This forum is a godsend and reminds us that we are not weak, or alone in this. We all need to stay strong!
You're so right, the hardest thing is to realise the truth being that they simply didn't care. I spent the whole relationship looking for clues that he did, but it became obvious that it wasn't the case. A bitter pill to swallow. It might take us a little longer to get through it emotionally, but we are strong and it can and will be done. I think, even though it is possible for addicts to recover, a lot of them don't have that inner strength to do so, therefore they will always move onto someone else with ease. Someone else who will put up with their sh*t, which will most likely be only temporary anyway.
Talking to you guys on here really helps. This forum is a godsend and reminds us that we are not weak, or alone in this. We all need to stay strong!
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Originally Posted by Icemelon
You're so right, the hardest thing is to realise the truth being that they simply didn't care. I spent the whole relationship looking for clues that he did, but it became obvious that it wasn't the case. A bitter pill to swallow.
Try not to take it personally. They are selfish people who have no qualms about using a person just to get what they want. They will always do what benefits them. My ex doesn't care about anyone, he only hurts and disappoints the people who are closest to him. He has had many opportunities to get sober, and continue to do what is necessary to stay sober, but he doesn't want to.
At the end of the day, its over, its done. We’re better off without them.
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There’s a general consensus about social media, that the more pictures and positive posts about a relationship, the more drama in the relationship. A little like the saying “she doth protest too much.” Now, I can never say for sure about someone else’s relationship, but I will say, when I posted the most positively about my relationship was when things were the worst (he was suicidal, starting to use again, having PTSD relapse, etc).
This isn’t always because people are lying to themselves, sometimes we know times are tough and we are hoping to use pictures and posts to rekindle memories of good times… but those posts are rarely the truth. When things are truly good, we have nothing to prove. The harder we use social media to “prove” that things are good, the more likely it is that they aren’t.
This isn’t always because people are lying to themselves, sometimes we know times are tough and we are hoping to use pictures and posts to rekindle memories of good times… but those posts are rarely the truth. When things are truly good, we have nothing to prove. The harder we use social media to “prove” that things are good, the more likely it is that they aren’t.
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