blue26

hello everyone, this site has been helping me so much ever since i found it a couple weeks ago. i’ve been posting new threads every time something new happens that’s hard for me to wrap my head around.

my boyfriend of 2 and half years, who just turned 20 and i just turned 19, has been an addict for 5 years. benzos and opioids are his drugs of choice. i wasn’t aware of his addiction when i first met him, and ever since then his addiction and our relationship has just gotten worse.

he broke up with me in a very nasty way a couple weeks ago and at that point i had had enough of his behavior. i was fighting for someone who told me to my face he chose the drugs over me. i felt like i was losing myself and needed to start thinking of me instead of always trying to help and fix a person who doesn’t want help, and i cannot fix. he had called me crying, begging for another chance, promising to change, telling me i’d never find anyone who loved me like he loved me. it was very hard to hear all of that and not go running back to him - like i’ve always done. i tried my best to not show much emotion. i knew if i went back to him things will not change and his promises will be broken.

after that phone call about 3 weeks ago, he was still trying to contact me. sending direct messages on social media and even reaching out to my friends to get through to me. i have not answered him once.

i found out last night he’s still been using and it’s gotten very bad. he stole $400 from his family and sold his laptop and anything else he could sell for money to buy more pills. he’s back on taking percocet and xanax. he withdrew off of percs in the beginning of january after going on a binge for a couple days. i always prayed the scary withdrawals he went through would be enough to make him never want to take percocet again, but i guess that wasn’t even enough. he’s also been mixing the two together even though that was his biggest promise after getting out of his second rehab stint in early april, that he’d never mix anything again.

i got a phone call last night from a local area number, it was him calling from the hospital. he was still calling me “baby” and said he just wanted to hear my voice. he barely even sounded like him anymore. he was asking if he gets better, would we be able to talk again. i told him of course i’d love to talk with him once he’s out. he said, “no, i want to get back together with you.” i can’t promise him anything, so all i told him was that he really needs to get better and to please focus on himself.

he’s going to be in rehab for a while and then a 90 day program. this will be his third rehab stay and i’m praying to god it gets through to him. he’s been very suicidal recently and it’s relieving to know that at least he’s being watched by professionals. i’ve been so worried and stressed over him, i’ve been having panic attacks just thinking about it all.

i also found out last night that he’s slept with two women. one of them being his plug he actually robbed just a week ago for more xanax. and another girl he met off tinder that does pills just like him. it hurts me so much that he was asking for a second chance, saying he’s ready to change, and giving me the space i needed to heal, but meanwhile, was hooking up with other people. it feels like cheating even if we aren’t technically together anymore. after a 2 and a half year relationship with my first love and my bestfriend, i cannot wrap my head around this.

i know it will never come out from him that he slept with those two women. ever since i met him he’s had incredibly high double standards. he could always do whatever he wanted, even after i communicated to him that i didn’t like the things he was doing and they hurt my feelings. but god forbid i ever did any of the stuff he did ... he would go to war with me over it and then end things, i’m sure of it. he has very bad anger issues and has yelled at me and threatened me multiple times. he’s told me and one of our friends that if i ever meet someone else, he will kill them. but yet, he’s able to still call me “baby” and ask for me back while hooking up with two other girls! he actually thinks it’s okay for him to do whatever he wants, but i can’t.

i am so mentally exhausted. i know that he loves me in his own way, but i’ve also learned that love isn’t supposed to hurt. he’s told me the way he’s treated me is “normal” in relationships and i started to believe him. it’s been a struggle trying to change my mindset and realize none of this is healthy or normal. i pray he doesn’t actually think either of those women care for him the way i always have. i know it’s because of his addiction and because he no longer has me, but i just can’t believe he actually did it. just a couple days after we decided to take some space from each other and work on our own mental health.

i still love him, and i always will. i just want him to be him again and be healthy. his liver is failing at the age of 20 ... i know if i go back to him after all of this, i wouldn’t be respecting myself, but it’s so hard to try and let go. especially when the person i tried so hard to always be there for, is coming back to me asking for another chance and saying he wants that future with me we always talked about. but he’s no longer the man i met and fell in love with. i don’t think it will ever be the same after all of this. i wish it could be, but i’m not so sure it can.

i really appreciate anyone who’s reading this. i’m very thankful i found this site that i can talk about things not many people would understand.

HardLessons

Hey Blue

I read what you wrote above. I think you know your relationship with this guy aint normal. This rather is the crazy mixed up world of addiction. I have been in your shoes so I understand how you feel. I totally understand how your life has become all badly jumbled up.

Your only 19. I know this is hard to do but the sooner you totally break free from this destructive addict the better off your going to be. You need to heal yourself. Get back to simply enjoying life at 19. Not daily dealing with this utterly crazy BS.

He does need professional help. The only other description I would add is long term professional help - as in years of it. Unfortunately, you or your love cant fix / help him. Matters not how much you want him to get better. My advice is to walk away & do not under any circumstances look back . Leave him to his own life & his own choices no matter what they are. Otherwise you will just be dragged down further into this never ending rabbit hole of addiction. Hes in the hospital & going to 90 day rehab for a reason. Hes an addict taking a mixture of wicked bad drugs.

Please save yourself. There is no chance of a happy future with him. I dont make it that way, its just the way it is. Your 19 please go & enjoy your life.

Ann

Waiting for someone to change, especially from addiction, is futile and as you have already seen, it can really drag you down too.

Can you take a break, no contact and just focus on your own healing and recovery?

If love could save an active addict, not one of us would be here. Take care of yourself and ask people not to relay stories of his infidelity and criminal activities like stealing.

comewhatmay

I agree wholeheartedly with HardLessons and Ann. For your own dignity and self respect, walk away and find peace. He has already shown you that he doesn't care about you by entertaining other women. Regardless of if you were broken up or not. This is one of the hardest truths to swallow. Don't assume he loves you just because he tells you so, that is just a form of manipulation and control. You will never fix broken people...you have to care about yourself more and move on. I know personally! I had a habit of holding on, no matter the cost of what it did to me. The lows of the last 12 months of my life are incomprehensible...I should have left sooner. I will always love my ex, but he loves the drugs more than me. Never going back, my heart can't take one more trip through the meat grinder.

If you stick around, it will only drag you down. Don’t think that by sticking around you are helping him or that he appreciates your loyalty. This guy will bring nothing but sadness to your soul, stress and anguish. You have to start thinking of yourself. Leave him to battle his own demons in rehab, it is his job to fix himself.

blue26

thank you very much for replying. since i’ve posted this, i answered another one of his phone calls and told him it’s done for good. things will never be the same between us and i cannot do it anymore. he for some reason acts like my love will fix him, but i’ve been shown over and over that it actually doesn’t do the bare minimum for him. i know i can’t fix him in any way, or try and help him anymore ... it doesn’t go anywhere and i end up losing myself along the way. i’m very appreciative of your response and i agree with everything you said (:

blue26

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blue26

you are absolutely right .. thank you ann. i’m definitely going to focus on my own healing and recovery, it’s all i can do at this point and also the best thing i can do.

blue26

exactly, i agree! he has definitely shown me he does not care about me or respect me. and actions speak way louder than words. he has a very weird thing with loyalty, so what you said is probably what he’s thinking - that if i stick around i’m loyal and definitely the one. i’ve been nothing but loyal to him but he didn’t give me that in return, even when we were actually together. it’s weird how people can expect you to do all these things for them but can never do the same for you - manipulation!
thank you

comewhatmay

You're so welcome I hear what you're saying. Some people think just because someone has been with them through the good and bad times that they are ride or die and forever loyal! Not always the case. Loyalty has to do with honesty, truth and respect. Not lies, cheating and manipulation! Some people with addictions have a habit of conveniently forgetting the truth and real facts. You are 100% correct that actions speak louder than words. The way they treat you is the way they feel about you. They are lost in the darkness of their own selfishness. Its hard and hurts to let them go, but its what's best. For them and for us. You go through a lot of pain and heartache, but you find your true self again.

Delilah1

Hi Blue,

I am glad you are here, and really glad you chose not to take him back. You deserve to have a healthy relationship, and you have lots of time for that to happen. Make sure you continue to to distance yourself, and focus on you a
for a while, that isn’t selfish, it is healthy and necessary!

❤️Delilah

blue26

yes, some addicts conveniently forgetting the truth and real facts is very true. my ex has always done that and always has an excuse for something like, “i don’t remember doing that.” and definitely, the way they treat you is the way the feel about you! i ended our phone call by saying “please just work on yourself.” and he responded with an “F you” and hung up. i pray he’s able to really want to change and fix himself and his life, but it’s better for both of us if i’m not in it and he’s not in mine - even though it’s very painful at the moment. your words have really sank in and helped, i appreciate it a lot

comewhatmay

For sure! I can relate so completely with this too. When they are confronted about things they actually do, they try to act like they don't know what you're talking about. So there is literally no point in confronting them. I know its painful, its tough to let go of someone who is close to your heart. Especially after you've given them nothing but encouragement, love and support. Can't tell you how much this hurts. Sometimes we just need to leave people where they are. We must appreciate the good times but let them go. I also pray my ex recovers and frees himself of his addiction. Drug addiction is an ugly monster.

I know you’re hurting because I’ve been where you are. You’ve got what it takes to get through it. Wishing you all the strength you need right now.

blue26

hi delilah,

thank you so much for that. sometimes i feel like it’s selfish of me for what i’m doing, focusing on myself and getting distance from him. but i have to remind myself that it isn’t at all, so thank you for reminding me about that too!

Ann

Self-care and self-preservation are tools that protect us from others and turn our focus on making and keeping ourselves well...this would be you.

Selfish is when you try to manipulate others to think/do/act/ as THEY want you to do to serve their own self interest...this would be him.

Taking care of yourself, keeping yourself from harm or danger, is never ever ever selfish. It's okay to take care of yourself.

OKRunner

Yes. Thank you.