New here, looking for support for dealing with pot addicted husband/alcoholic inlaws
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Join Date: May 2021
Posts: 1
New here, looking for support for dealing with pot addicted husband/alcoholic inlaws
Hi everyone,
I'm so happy to have found this place and I am hopeful I will get some insight and support on what I'm currently dealing with. I'll preface to say that as an introverted person living in a rural area, I don`t have a lot of real life support from friends, and I'm close to my mom but she has chosen to waste her life away with my drug addicted father. So I haven't been able to talk to many people about this situation, and other forums I've tried have defended my husband's love of marijuana and his family values, so I'm left feeling crazy.
I've been married two years to a mostly amazing man. He's a hard worker, is attentive, motivated and good to me when things are going well. We have two major rifts in our relationship which after too many fights to count have me considering divorce, and I would appreciate insight and stories of people who've gone through anything similar.
The first rift is his reliance on Marijuana. He started smoking this very young, like 14, and is now 40. So I feel he has at least a psychological addiction. He smokes every day, usually 3-5 times after work days, and more on weekends. We are coming to the point where we're wanting to conceive, and with this I have come to want him to cut back on his usage. For one thing, it leaves him smelling disgusting and is quite repelling, and I don't want him to be smoking so much with a pregnancy/ baby in the picture.
I brought this up and he says he has already cut back and refusing to cut back further. He said I knew that he smoked before we got married and he will never give it up so I'd have to divorce him. The fact that he'd rather lose me than cut back on smoking is alarming. I don't think I've ever seen him sober. He doesn't act lazy or unmotivated, though I will say his memory is horrible which can be frustrating, but otherwise he is very high functioning when he smokes. He's had his job for over 10 years and is successful, so I think it's hard for him to see his usage as an issue. And I don't mind someone smoking on weekends or on special occasions. I just can't imagine kids in the picture while their dad smokes every single night...I flat out won't raise kids in that environment or anything close to it...I know what addiction does to people who love them.
The second thing is his family. They are alcoholics. Every family get together involves heavy drinking. His aunt passed away from alcoholism, his dad is an alcoholic that caused a divorce when my husband was young and traumatized his children with his drinking, his two siblings (late 30s)live with mom and dad respectively with no relationships outside their parents. I've gone sober and have been for a year after several years allf heavy drinking, I'll never touch that crap again. My sobriety has changed the dynamic since I'm no longer drinking with them and I'm also not wanting to be around them when they are drinking.I have trauma surrounding alcohol from when I was younger, so it's very uncomfortable for me to be around that behavior sober. His mom, in her early 60s, also smokes pot with my husband every chance she gets. She's stopped by just to drop off something and they have to smoke a bowl together. His brother came for over for a party and drove home with their dad after 7 beers, with my husband staying silent. They all have dwis, though my husband doesn't drink often anymore.
I'm setting boundaries for being around them and my husband is extremely upset. He is taking my wanting to protect myself as a personal attack against him and his family. He refuses to be a united front and wants a divorce since I won't see them like he wants me to. All I wanted is to cut back and not go every time they get together, which is hard as an introvert aside from the drinking as it's a solid 6-8 hours hanging out. They already get to see us every holiday, birthday, ect.
If you've gotten this far thank you so much. Basically I feel like a crazy b#$%& because I dont have anyone to talk to about these things, only my husband. I just want some validation that wanting someone to reduce their pot smoking and respect my boundaries concerning alcoholics do not make me a bad person.
I would also love to hear stories of people whose left an addict and have made a new life. I'm so scared to start over but know that if I live the rest of my life how it is now, the regret will kill me. I've seen what my mom's life is like after never leaving my addict father, and I don't want that...and I'm not getting any younger.
thank you so much everyone, please take care and be safe 💗
I'm so happy to have found this place and I am hopeful I will get some insight and support on what I'm currently dealing with. I'll preface to say that as an introverted person living in a rural area, I don`t have a lot of real life support from friends, and I'm close to my mom but she has chosen to waste her life away with my drug addicted father. So I haven't been able to talk to many people about this situation, and other forums I've tried have defended my husband's love of marijuana and his family values, so I'm left feeling crazy.
I've been married two years to a mostly amazing man. He's a hard worker, is attentive, motivated and good to me when things are going well. We have two major rifts in our relationship which after too many fights to count have me considering divorce, and I would appreciate insight and stories of people who've gone through anything similar.
The first rift is his reliance on Marijuana. He started smoking this very young, like 14, and is now 40. So I feel he has at least a psychological addiction. He smokes every day, usually 3-5 times after work days, and more on weekends. We are coming to the point where we're wanting to conceive, and with this I have come to want him to cut back on his usage. For one thing, it leaves him smelling disgusting and is quite repelling, and I don't want him to be smoking so much with a pregnancy/ baby in the picture.
I brought this up and he says he has already cut back and refusing to cut back further. He said I knew that he smoked before we got married and he will never give it up so I'd have to divorce him. The fact that he'd rather lose me than cut back on smoking is alarming. I don't think I've ever seen him sober. He doesn't act lazy or unmotivated, though I will say his memory is horrible which can be frustrating, but otherwise he is very high functioning when he smokes. He's had his job for over 10 years and is successful, so I think it's hard for him to see his usage as an issue. And I don't mind someone smoking on weekends or on special occasions. I just can't imagine kids in the picture while their dad smokes every single night...I flat out won't raise kids in that environment or anything close to it...I know what addiction does to people who love them.
The second thing is his family. They are alcoholics. Every family get together involves heavy drinking. His aunt passed away from alcoholism, his dad is an alcoholic that caused a divorce when my husband was young and traumatized his children with his drinking, his two siblings (late 30s)live with mom and dad respectively with no relationships outside their parents. I've gone sober and have been for a year after several years allf heavy drinking, I'll never touch that crap again. My sobriety has changed the dynamic since I'm no longer drinking with them and I'm also not wanting to be around them when they are drinking.I have trauma surrounding alcohol from when I was younger, so it's very uncomfortable for me to be around that behavior sober. His mom, in her early 60s, also smokes pot with my husband every chance she gets. She's stopped by just to drop off something and they have to smoke a bowl together. His brother came for over for a party and drove home with their dad after 7 beers, with my husband staying silent. They all have dwis, though my husband doesn't drink often anymore.
I'm setting boundaries for being around them and my husband is extremely upset. He is taking my wanting to protect myself as a personal attack against him and his family. He refuses to be a united front and wants a divorce since I won't see them like he wants me to. All I wanted is to cut back and not go every time they get together, which is hard as an introvert aside from the drinking as it's a solid 6-8 hours hanging out. They already get to see us every holiday, birthday, ect.
If you've gotten this far thank you so much. Basically I feel like a crazy b#$%& because I dont have anyone to talk to about these things, only my husband. I just want some validation that wanting someone to reduce their pot smoking and respect my boundaries concerning alcoholics do not make me a bad person.
I would also love to hear stories of people whose left an addict and have made a new life. I'm so scared to start over but know that if I live the rest of my life how it is now, the regret will kill me. I've seen what my mom's life is like after never leaving my addict father, and I don't want that...and I'm not getting any younger.
thank you so much everyone, please take care and be safe 💗
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Violet
Ok hes been smoking weed since he was 14. He smokes weed basically constantly & even more on weekends. His family are all heavy drinkers.
After talking to him he basically told you that you knew he was a weed head before you got married so you should be accepting this behavior now. You should also be accepting of his alcoholic family. He said he has zero intention to stop smoking weed.
Obviously he has no problem with what he or his family does. You have the problem.
In my view its ok if you have a problem with this behavior. He is smoking tons of weed. It cant be a good situation. This isnt normal.
Your currently in what I call the half in & half out stage. I was stuck in that same stage for the longest time. In reality it was going to end for me, it was just a matter of when. Since he isnt going to stop & has made that perfectly clear, arent you realistically going to be all out?
Its going to be difficult to leave. It was the same for me. So I completely understand. Like you said above you arent getting any younger. The question becomes how much more of your life do you want to risk losing having to deal with a significant weed head & his alcoholic family? You only have one life & time does pass by quickly. I hope you make the best of your remaining years.
Ok hes been smoking weed since he was 14. He smokes weed basically constantly & even more on weekends. His family are all heavy drinkers.
After talking to him he basically told you that you knew he was a weed head before you got married so you should be accepting this behavior now. You should also be accepting of his alcoholic family. He said he has zero intention to stop smoking weed.
Obviously he has no problem with what he or his family does. You have the problem.
In my view its ok if you have a problem with this behavior. He is smoking tons of weed. It cant be a good situation. This isnt normal.
Your currently in what I call the half in & half out stage. I was stuck in that same stage for the longest time. In reality it was going to end for me, it was just a matter of when. Since he isnt going to stop & has made that perfectly clear, arent you realistically going to be all out?
Its going to be difficult to leave. It was the same for me. So I completely understand. Like you said above you arent getting any younger. The question becomes how much more of your life do you want to risk losing having to deal with a significant weed head & his alcoholic family? You only have one life & time does pass by quickly. I hope you make the best of your remaining years.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 92
Hi Violet23. You have to be comfortable with the life you live and the decisions you make. If you leave, you have to go through some hard days, situations, circumstances to get to those peaceful days. If you stay, you will have to tolerate his weed addiction and dysfunctional family. I left an addict, took me a while to come to that decision, and it was hard but I let go. Took me a very long time to be at peace letting it go too. But I'm ok now. It became a daily heartbreak staying in the relationship so I knew I had to leave. His addiction was spiralling and so were the lies. You can only ask for change for so long before your heart gives out. Sure, you miss the good times but there's a whole lot I definitely don't miss either. It is a blessing that I left before more damage was done to my heart and mind. Chapters in books have stories..some great, others not, yet the story moves on regardless. My ex still calls...I do not answer...that chapter is closed and sealed. Its been a very difficult journey for me. That said, I try now to use my experience to support or be real at least with others and aid myself with transparency at the same time.
It sounds like what you are trying to figure out is do I let go or do I hold on??? Only you can decide. Our time is precious. Also remember most people don’t change unless they seek change and counseling on their own or there's a major life altering experience. I wish you the very best with everything.
It sounds like what you are trying to figure out is do I let go or do I hold on??? Only you can decide. Our time is precious. Also remember most people don’t change unless they seek change and counseling on their own or there's a major life altering experience. I wish you the very best with everything.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Sorry you have this situation going on.
It does all come down to what you want. Do you want to tolerate this for the rest of your life? Or do you want to remove yourself from it and build a different type of life.
He does not see it as a problem. So if you want change, you will need to be the one who makes it.
You ask about people building a new life, I am in that place now. My husband passed away though (from his addiction) rather than like your situation of you having to leave. It is very difficult at present but I absolutely know it will get better as I recover and continue to work on myself.
I have so many choices available to me now that I didn't have when I lived with active addiction. Although painful right now, it is actually many thousand times better than living with active addiction ( first time I have said that "out loud" ).
Wishing you all the best and courage in your decisions.
It does all come down to what you want. Do you want to tolerate this for the rest of your life? Or do you want to remove yourself from it and build a different type of life.
He does not see it as a problem. So if you want change, you will need to be the one who makes it.
You ask about people building a new life, I am in that place now. My husband passed away though (from his addiction) rather than like your situation of you having to leave. It is very difficult at present but I absolutely know it will get better as I recover and continue to work on myself.
I have so many choices available to me now that I didn't have when I lived with active addiction. Although painful right now, it is actually many thousand times better than living with active addiction ( first time I have said that "out loud" ).
Wishing you all the best and courage in your decisions.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Peacefulwater, saying it out loud conveys just how much pain is involved with living with active addiction. I am sorry for your loss.
Violet, you have heard wise words here, it won't be easy to leave but staying will be far more painful. We're walking with you here, you don't have to do this alone.
Hugs
Violet, you have heard wise words here, it won't be easy to leave but staying will be far more painful. We're walking with you here, you don't have to do this alone.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by Violet23 
I just want some validation that wanting someone to reduce their pot smoking and respect my boundaries concerning alcoholics do not make me a bad person.
For me, I really thought I wanted facts to justify/validate my perceptions and realizations. But deep down, I just wanted to feel safe and peaceful again. Everything in my life was so uncertain and out of control that I felt anxious/afraid a lot. And because I physically felt anxious, my brain wanted to have a “reason” why I felt that way. My mental logic went something like “I MUST be anxious because I don’t fully understand what’s going on! If I could just figure this out, I will feel better. If I know I’m being unreasonable, I can fix that, and if I know he’s being unreasonable, I can feel justified!” Basically, doubting myself—while also painful—made my brain feel like it knew the culprit for my scared and sad feelings. It wasn’t the truth, so it didn’t actually make me feel better, haha.
But just in case you are feeling that same impulse for information to validate, I did want to share some thoughts about the seriousness of marijuana addiction! I think with alcohol and marijuana, since they are both (mostly) legalized and have positive cultural associations in society, there is a tendency to wonder if WE are being unreasonable for being concerned about our addicted loved ones. I do want to reassure you it is not unreasonable! A benefit of marijuana legalization is improved research. We’ve learned marijuana use before the age of 17 increases the likelihood of marijuana dependency or addiction issues later in life. Marijuana is a psychoactive drug, and affects individuals differently. For some, there are positive benefits (especially anti-inflammation and pain management). For those with existing bipolar tendencies it can actually trigger or worsen manic or depressive episodes. When combined with other psychoactive drugs (antidepressants, psychedelics, etc) it can cause drug interaction problems. Marijuana withdrawal is an issue that we are just starting to really understand. Additionally, I have several loved ones in my life who have drug addiction issues, and after several years of recovery and complete abstinence decided to cautiously reintroduce marijuana and/or alcohol recreationally “in moderation.” Consistently, it was less than a year before more severe drugs are reintroduced and life starts to spiral. My XAH was clean for 7 years, then reintroduced recreational marijuana and went from “I don’t actually like it that much” to scheduling his day around when he can smoke (first thing in the morning until last thing before bed) and bringing vape pens and joints everywhere we went in a matter of months. Depression, rage, PTSD nightmares/flashbacks, possible hypomanic episodes, also started after he reintroduced marijuana. I almost don’t recognize the man I’ve been with for 7 years. It’s no small thing.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 92
Originally Posted by edoering
I FEEL this. In fact, I posted in the F&F of Alcoholics (that forum gets a bit more traffic, and addiction behaviors are often similar regardless the substance), a very similar self-doubt confession and request for validation that I wasn’t somehow the “bad guy.”
For me, I really thought I wanted facts to justify/validate my perceptions and realizations. But deep down, I just wanted to feel safe and peaceful again. Everything in my life was so uncertain and out of control that I felt anxious/afraid a lot. And because I physically felt anxious, my brain wanted to have a “reason” why I felt that way. My mental logic went something like “I MUST be anxious because I don’t fully understand what’s going on! If I could just figure this out, I will feel better. If I know I’m being unreasonable, I can fix that, and if I know he’s being unreasonable, I can feel justified!” Basically, doubting myself—while also painful—made my brain feel like it knew the culprit for my scared and sad feelings. It wasn’t the truth, so it didn’t actually make me feel better, haha.
But just in case you are feeling that same impulse for information to validate, I did want to share some thoughts about the seriousness of marijuana addiction! I think with alcohol and marijuana, since they are both (mostly) legalized and have positive cultural associations in society, there is a tendency to wonder if WE are being unreasonable for being concerned about our addicted loved ones. I do want to reassure you it is not unreasonable! A benefit of marijuana legalization is improved research. We’ve learned marijuana use before the age of 17 increases the likelihood of marijuana dependency or addiction issues later in life. Marijuana is a psychoactive drug, and affects individuals differently. For some, there are positive benefits (especially anti-inflammation and pain management). For those with existing bipolar tendencies it can actually trigger or worsen manic or depressive episodes. When combined with other psychoactive drugs (antidepressants, psychedelics, etc) it can cause drug interaction problems. Marijuana withdrawal is an issue that we are just starting to really understand. Additionally, I have several loved ones in my life who have drug addiction issues, and after several years of recovery and complete abstinence decided to cautiously reintroduce marijuana and/or alcohol recreationally “in moderation.” Consistently, it was less than a year before more severe drugs are reintroduced and life starts to spiral. My XAH was clean for 7 years, then reintroduced recreational marijuana and went from “I don’t actually like it that much” to scheduling his day around when he can smoke (first thing in the morning until last thing before bed) and bringing vape pens and joints everywhere we went in a matter of months. Depression, rage, PTSD nightmares/flashbacks, possible hypomanic episodes, also started after he reintroduced marijuana. I almost don’t recognize the man I’ve been with for 7 years. It’s no small thing.
For me, I really thought I wanted facts to justify/validate my perceptions and realizations. But deep down, I just wanted to feel safe and peaceful again. Everything in my life was so uncertain and out of control that I felt anxious/afraid a lot. And because I physically felt anxious, my brain wanted to have a “reason” why I felt that way. My mental logic went something like “I MUST be anxious because I don’t fully understand what’s going on! If I could just figure this out, I will feel better. If I know I’m being unreasonable, I can fix that, and if I know he’s being unreasonable, I can feel justified!” Basically, doubting myself—while also painful—made my brain feel like it knew the culprit for my scared and sad feelings. It wasn’t the truth, so it didn’t actually make me feel better, haha.
But just in case you are feeling that same impulse for information to validate, I did want to share some thoughts about the seriousness of marijuana addiction! I think with alcohol and marijuana, since they are both (mostly) legalized and have positive cultural associations in society, there is a tendency to wonder if WE are being unreasonable for being concerned about our addicted loved ones. I do want to reassure you it is not unreasonable! A benefit of marijuana legalization is improved research. We’ve learned marijuana use before the age of 17 increases the likelihood of marijuana dependency or addiction issues later in life. Marijuana is a psychoactive drug, and affects individuals differently. For some, there are positive benefits (especially anti-inflammation and pain management). For those with existing bipolar tendencies it can actually trigger or worsen manic or depressive episodes. When combined with other psychoactive drugs (antidepressants, psychedelics, etc) it can cause drug interaction problems. Marijuana withdrawal is an issue that we are just starting to really understand. Additionally, I have several loved ones in my life who have drug addiction issues, and after several years of recovery and complete abstinence decided to cautiously reintroduce marijuana and/or alcohol recreationally “in moderation.” Consistently, it was less than a year before more severe drugs are reintroduced and life starts to spiral. My XAH was clean for 7 years, then reintroduced recreational marijuana and went from “I don’t actually like it that much” to scheduling his day around when he can smoke (first thing in the morning until last thing before bed) and bringing vape pens and joints everywhere we went in a matter of months. Depression, rage, PTSD nightmares/flashbacks, possible hypomanic episodes, also started after he reintroduced marijuana. I almost don’t recognize the man I’ve been with for 7 years. It’s no small thing.
I can relate to your feelings of anxiety/fear and the need to validate. Have felt this and have had it happen more times than I care to acknowledge. My anxiety was through the roof. At the time I told myself I was overreacting to the situation. Now my heart is at peace and my mind is at ease, I realize I was justified in feeling that way.
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