need help again, ex is trying to get to me
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need help again, ex is trying to get to me
hello everyone, i just woke up to a text from my best friend saying that my ex (who’s an addict) messaged her trying to get through her to me. we’ve been broken up for about two weeks now and i’ve had no contact with him at all. my anxiety started up right away seeing that he’s trying to get to my friends now in an attempt to talk to me.
i had a feeling this would happen since i haven’t been reachable to him. i told her she should block him because he’ll probably keep trying to contact her now as well.
has this ever happened to any of you who’ve finally distanced yourself from an abusive/substance addict significant other? what did you do then?
the last time i spoke to my ex he was throwing out promises i’ve heard a thousand times, trying to get me back, that i know he will not keep. he was also giving me half-assed apologies that didn’t actually hold himself accountable for the way he treated me, and was still blaming me for things through the apology!
i’m really struggling feeling like i’m the “bad guy” for not giving him another chance and hearing him out, but i’ve given him so many chances. in the past few months i’ve talked with him about my boundaries that he crossed, and explained how it made me feel. he would apologize after awhile and promise none of it would ever happen again (the cheating, lies, yelling, and name calling). but then every few weeks it would happen again. and that’s not an apology with changed behavior, it’s an apology without change in behavior which is manipulation. and i know that will continue again if i go back to him, because me crying to him and telling him from the bottom of my heart how these things affected me, still wasn’t enough for him to stop treating me like he did. i still have doubts thinking, “oh maybe he’ll change this time.” but everyone’s telling me to not feed into that, that he won’t change. and i believe them, but i still have those haunting doubts.
if anyone’s ex has done this, trying to reach out to other people to get to you, what did you do? all he said was that he’s been thinking of me and would really appreciate it if she could tell me, and i could talk to him. i have no idea what he could possibly want to talk to me about ..
when i left two weeks ago, he was still buying pills off the streets and then saying he’s going to meetings every night as if that balances out him still buying and taking drugs. i don’t know how he’s been doing now, since i haven’t spoken to him. but i know he hasn’t started a full time recovery program, and i don’t think he has a sponsor yet. (if that helps anyone reading this understand where he is in his addiction and recovery.)
i had a feeling this would happen since i haven’t been reachable to him. i told her she should block him because he’ll probably keep trying to contact her now as well.
has this ever happened to any of you who’ve finally distanced yourself from an abusive/substance addict significant other? what did you do then?
the last time i spoke to my ex he was throwing out promises i’ve heard a thousand times, trying to get me back, that i know he will not keep. he was also giving me half-assed apologies that didn’t actually hold himself accountable for the way he treated me, and was still blaming me for things through the apology!
i’m really struggling feeling like i’m the “bad guy” for not giving him another chance and hearing him out, but i’ve given him so many chances. in the past few months i’ve talked with him about my boundaries that he crossed, and explained how it made me feel. he would apologize after awhile and promise none of it would ever happen again (the cheating, lies, yelling, and name calling). but then every few weeks it would happen again. and that’s not an apology with changed behavior, it’s an apology without change in behavior which is manipulation. and i know that will continue again if i go back to him, because me crying to him and telling him from the bottom of my heart how these things affected me, still wasn’t enough for him to stop treating me like he did. i still have doubts thinking, “oh maybe he’ll change this time.” but everyone’s telling me to not feed into that, that he won’t change. and i believe them, but i still have those haunting doubts.
if anyone’s ex has done this, trying to reach out to other people to get to you, what did you do? all he said was that he’s been thinking of me and would really appreciate it if she could tell me, and i could talk to him. i have no idea what he could possibly want to talk to me about ..
when i left two weeks ago, he was still buying pills off the streets and then saying he’s going to meetings every night as if that balances out him still buying and taking drugs. i don’t know how he’s been doing now, since i haven’t spoken to him. but i know he hasn’t started a full time recovery program, and i don’t think he has a sponsor yet. (if that helps anyone reading this understand where he is in his addiction and recovery.)
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You don't owe him anything. I think it was wise of you to tell your friend to block him. If she won't, you can also ask her not to pass on his messages. That's all part and parcel to going No Contact.
Here's the thing: if your ex were in a good place, or even on the path to a good place, he would respect your wish for him to leave you alone. Full stop. Continuing to try to get your attention after you've made it clear you do not want to talk to him is selfish behavior that puts what he wants over what he knows you need. It is not the behavior of someone in recovery who is trying to be accountable for the harm they have caused others.
He may change, he may not. But for sure: real, lasting change takes more than two weeks.
Here's the thing: if your ex were in a good place, or even on the path to a good place, he would respect your wish for him to leave you alone. Full stop. Continuing to try to get your attention after you've made it clear you do not want to talk to him is selfish behavior that puts what he wants over what he knows you need. It is not the behavior of someone in recovery who is trying to be accountable for the harm they have caused others.
He may change, he may not. But for sure: real, lasting change takes more than two weeks.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
You don't owe him anything. I think it was wise of you to tell your friend to block him. If she won't, you can also ask her not to pass on his messages. That's all part and parcel to going No Contact.
Here's the thing: if your ex were in a good place, or even on the path to a good place, he would respect your wish for him to leave you alone. Full stop. Continuing to try to get your attention after you've made it clear you do not want to talk to him is selfish behavior that puts what he wants over what he knows you need. It is not the behavior of someone in recovery who is trying to be accountable for the harm they have caused others.
He may change, he may not. But for sure: real, lasting change takes more than two weeks.
Here's the thing: if your ex were in a good place, or even on the path to a good place, he would respect your wish for him to leave you alone. Full stop. Continuing to try to get your attention after you've made it clear you do not want to talk to him is selfish behavior that puts what he wants over what he knows you need. It is not the behavior of someone in recovery who is trying to be accountable for the harm they have caused others.
He may change, he may not. But for sure: real, lasting change takes more than two weeks.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 92
Hi blue26. At a point in time I did feel like you described, and I'm sorry to anyone going through that right now. I have been in this situation. I left my ex and went no contact. He called me constantly for a while. I never answered. He then had family members of his call me. I never answered to anyone. I know you feel so guilty doing this to him, I felt that way too. But believe me, you'll learn to live with that part of you. I didn't want to leave my ex, but it hurt me more to stay...for him to show me I didn't matter by his actions. Although leaving him destroyed me at the time, I am much better off now. When you've done all you can do and the best you could do, and nothing has changed, its time to go and don't second-guess yourself, that's easy to do. Its that self-doubt that keeps you locked in the encounter.
You mentioned you had given your ex many chances. I also gave my ex many chances...he did me wrong...I let him come back...again all I got was hollow words and lies. We have had enough back and forth. It sounds like you may have experienced the same with your ex. Honestly, part of the problem was with me in trying to believe his words then ignoring and excusing the behavior. If there's a lack of empathy, self-awareness and accountability its guaranteed to fail. The truth shows in their actions so there's no sense in waiting to see if they'll quit lying, have empathy, respect boundaries, etc. For the record, my ex still has not changed. I can only console myself with the thought that I always did my very best to help him. I hope he finds himself because he's definitely lost and he lost me in the process.
Your ex is going to be who he is, and he will weigh you down with his problems and issues if you were to give him another chance. Its likely he wants to talk to you just so he can reel you back in. No contact gets easier as you experience the peace of their absence. The healing process requires solitude, so you can unapologetically search your soul and reflect on the relationship and why you allowed another person to treat you in a negative way when you were giving out only good to them. Its about self introspection and correction. Once you've done that, there'll come a great lesson. My biggest one was that I will never adjust myself to something or someone at the expense of my self-worth and purpose.
I understand you are struggling, its hard at first when you truly love that person, have distanced yourself and they are trying to reach out again. At the end of the day, remember, you did nothing wrong. As SparkleKitty wrote, you owe him nothing. Stay strong
You mentioned you had given your ex many chances. I also gave my ex many chances...he did me wrong...I let him come back...again all I got was hollow words and lies. We have had enough back and forth. It sounds like you may have experienced the same with your ex. Honestly, part of the problem was with me in trying to believe his words then ignoring and excusing the behavior. If there's a lack of empathy, self-awareness and accountability its guaranteed to fail. The truth shows in their actions so there's no sense in waiting to see if they'll quit lying, have empathy, respect boundaries, etc. For the record, my ex still has not changed. I can only console myself with the thought that I always did my very best to help him. I hope he finds himself because he's definitely lost and he lost me in the process.
Your ex is going to be who he is, and he will weigh you down with his problems and issues if you were to give him another chance. Its likely he wants to talk to you just so he can reel you back in. No contact gets easier as you experience the peace of their absence. The healing process requires solitude, so you can unapologetically search your soul and reflect on the relationship and why you allowed another person to treat you in a negative way when you were giving out only good to them. Its about self introspection and correction. Once you've done that, there'll come a great lesson. My biggest one was that I will never adjust myself to something or someone at the expense of my self-worth and purpose.
I understand you are struggling, its hard at first when you truly love that person, have distanced yourself and they are trying to reach out again. At the end of the day, remember, you did nothing wrong. As SparkleKitty wrote, you owe him nothing. Stay strong
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Join Date: Apr 2021
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Originally Posted by comewhatmay
Hi blue26. At a point in time I did feel like you described, and I'm sorry to anyone going through that right now. I have been in this situation. I left my ex and went no contact. He called me constantly for a while. I never answered. He then had family members of his call me. I never answered to anyone. I know you feel so guilty doing this to him, I felt that way too. But believe me, you'll learn to live with that part of you. I didn't want to leave my ex, but it hurt me more to stay...for him to show me I didn't matter by his actions. Although leaving him destroyed me at the time, I am much better off now. When you've done all you can do and the best you could do, and nothing has changed, its time to go and don't second-guess yourself, that's easy to do. Its that self-doubt that keeps you locked in the encounter.
You mentioned you had given your ex many chances. I also gave my ex many chances...he did me wrong...I let him come back...again all I got was hollow words and lies. We have had enough back and forth. It sounds like you may have experienced the same with your ex. Honestly, part of the problem was with me in trying to believe his words then ignoring and excusing the behavior. If there's a lack of empathy, self-awareness and accountability its guaranteed to fail. The truth shows in their actions so there's no sense in waiting to see if they'll quit lying, have empathy, respect boundaries, etc. For the record, my ex still has not changed. I can only console myself with the thought that I always did my very best to help him. I hope he finds himself because he's definitely lost and he lost me in the process.
Your ex is going to be who he is, and he will weigh you down with his problems and issues if you were to give him another chance. Its likely he wants to talk to you just so he can reel you back in. No contact gets easier as you experience the peace of their absence. The healing process requires solitude, so you can unapologetically search your soul and reflect on the relationship and why you allowed another person to treat you in a negative way when you were giving out only good to them. Its about self introspection and correction. Once you've done that, there'll come a great lesson. My biggest one was that I will never adjust myself to something or someone at the expense of my self-worth and purpose.
I understand you are struggling, its hard at first when you truly love that person, have distanced yourself and they are trying to reach out again. At the end of the day, remember, you did nothing wrong. As SparkleKitty wrote, you owe him nothing. Stay strong
You mentioned you had given your ex many chances. I also gave my ex many chances...he did me wrong...I let him come back...again all I got was hollow words and lies. We have had enough back and forth. It sounds like you may have experienced the same with your ex. Honestly, part of the problem was with me in trying to believe his words then ignoring and excusing the behavior. If there's a lack of empathy, self-awareness and accountability its guaranteed to fail. The truth shows in their actions so there's no sense in waiting to see if they'll quit lying, have empathy, respect boundaries, etc. For the record, my ex still has not changed. I can only console myself with the thought that I always did my very best to help him. I hope he finds himself because he's definitely lost and he lost me in the process.
Your ex is going to be who he is, and he will weigh you down with his problems and issues if you were to give him another chance. Its likely he wants to talk to you just so he can reel you back in. No contact gets easier as you experience the peace of their absence. The healing process requires solitude, so you can unapologetically search your soul and reflect on the relationship and why you allowed another person to treat you in a negative way when you were giving out only good to them. Its about self introspection and correction. Once you've done that, there'll come a great lesson. My biggest one was that I will never adjust myself to something or someone at the expense of my self-worth and purpose.
I understand you are struggling, its hard at first when you truly love that person, have distanced yourself and they are trying to reach out again. At the end of the day, remember, you did nothing wrong. As SparkleKitty wrote, you owe him nothing. Stay strong
it is definitely a very hard healing process and it’s very hard struggling with the self-doubt. but even through the self-doubt and guilt i’m feeling, i agree with you, he probably does just want to talk to me again to try and reel me back in. i’m definitely going to take your advice on the healing process and really reflect on everything. thank you
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Originally Posted by blue26
thank you so much for reading my post and responding. it makes me feel better hearing about how you’ve gone through very similar things as i’m going through now. i did the exact same thing, trying to excuse his behavior and justify it because i couldn’t ever understand how the person i love so much and always tried to help, could treat me the way he did. his words never matched his actions and it’s really hard to come to terms with the fact that the person who told you they loved you could also act like this. i was never showed any empathy and whenever i’d hold him accountable for things that hurt me, he’d take it as an attack..
it is definitely a very hard healing process and it’s very hard struggling with the self-doubt. but even through the self-doubt and guilt i’m feeling, i agree with you, he probably does just want to talk to me again to try and reel me back in. i’m definitely going to take your advice on the healing process and really reflect on everything. thank you
it is definitely a very hard healing process and it’s very hard struggling with the self-doubt. but even through the self-doubt and guilt i’m feeling, i agree with you, he probably does just want to talk to me again to try and reel me back in. i’m definitely going to take your advice on the healing process and really reflect on everything. thank you
I know exactly what you mean and where you’re coming from. Its extremely hard to break the attachment and to understand their behavior. I know its hard when they tell you they love you then are so ungrateful and hurtful. Sad fact, most of the time words are just words. With my ex, I love you was just a phrase with not much meaning. I'm sure he did love me in his own way. But love is and should be: respectful, kind, reciprocal, and unselfish and his love wasn't any of those things. In the end I realized I was seeking love from a person who didn't have any to give me, he is consumed by his addiction. I was chasing him for love while he was chasing his next high. You have to know when to fold em! When you tried to hold him accountable he got defensive, as he is most likely not mature enough to take responsibility for his actions. The reason I said he's possibly just trying to reel you back in is because he knows how much you care for him. You sound like a strong minded person, hang in there until all this is just a memory and lesson of the past. That is the truth, only thing is that sometimes it takes a long time! So be gentle with yourself.
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Originally Posted by blue26
... i did the exact same thing, trying to excuse his behavior and justify it because i couldn’t ever understand how the person i love so much and always tried to help, could treat me the way he did. his words never matched his actions and it’s really hard to come to terms with the fact that the person who told you they loved you could also act like this. i was never showed any empathy and whenever i’d hold him accountable for things that hurt me, he’d take it as an attack.
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Originally Posted by OKRunner
I could have written this. I think my very first post on SR was titled "Trying to Understand" or something like that. I am so sorry you are hurting. I can feel your pain in your post probably because I am in a parallel situation. To this day, I too will never understand how a person I loved so much could treat me the way he did. I too was never showed empathy and when I tried to hold him accountable for things that ripped me to my core, that had me heaving for hours, he took it as an attack. I say this only so you don't feel alone and so you know that it's not you. I can see from your post what a caring, thoughtful person you are. You deserve to be cared for and thought of that richly, too.
i just went to your first thread on your page and read it - we really are in parallel situations. i’m very appreciative of your reply, because it does help immensely knowing i’m not alone in this situation or my feelings. when i found sober recovery and started reading people’s posts, it surprised me to find out there are so many people going through such similar things. it’s almost like each person in our life who is the addict and has brought us to this site, is “textbook addict” and we’re all experiencing the same things with them. i’m so sorry to hear that you’re hurting and can relate to my post. i completely understand being so deeply hurt and offended by something, crying for hours, and finally having the nerve to speak up about it to them after walking on eggshells, and they just take it as an attack and only make you feel worse. my ex would always use the blame shifting technique to try and distract me from what i’m holding him accountable for - it was terrible.thank you so much for your kind words. you deserve to be cared for and thought of that richly as well !!
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Blue26, Thank you so much for your posts. Just knowing that I'm not alone in this ... it means so much. Including what you said immediately above, about me finding the most gentle way to speak to him after walking on eggshells, etc. That was me exactly. Exactly. Hang in there and take great care of your sweet self.
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