New and grateful to have found this site
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 1
New and grateful to have found this site
I hope I am posting in the right spot. I am new here and have read quite a few posts already to which I can relate. I have been with my alcoholic boyfriend for 7+ years, 4 of which he was sober for. And those 4 years were great! When I first met him, he was a recovering alcoholic and I thought everything would be okay. I joined Al-anon to learn more about it and in the process learned my mother and I have had a very codependent relationship. After we started dating more seriously, he started drinking again and as dumb as this was, I stayed with him because I was in love and thought I could 'fix' him. Hmmm, wonder where I get that from. He did go to rehab and stayed sober for 4 years. For the last year and a half, he has been drinking off and on again. I was able to set a boundary of not staying with him if he had been drinking. But about a month ago he got sober again and we spent 2 1/2 really good weeks together. He actually stayed sober for a month and last week boy did he really relapse. My old mindset came back to "Oh I can save him" and I've gone over to his place when I know he is drinking and try talking to him. Big mistake I know. I am trying to help myself accept the fact that if something bad happens, like he drinks himself to death, it is not my fault. I think this is what I am afraid of most and why I keep trying to help him. We got into an argument on the phone today where he pretty much blamed me for his drinking. So I pulled out my Al-anon books and started reading them thinking okay part of this is my fault. I almost apologized to him and for some reason decided to come online and search for help and an online meeting to attend tonight. I found this site and after reading through a lot of these posts, I'm remembering that nothing I do or say will make him quit. Reading things will only get worse if he doesn't quit, and that their minds are affected as they drink more and more saddens me but I have already begun to see this in him. So I have a decision to make...stay with him knowing what could happen, work on myself and hope it will get better, or leave, continue to work on myself and just keep praying for him to wake up so he can someday have a life with his daughter and find true happiness. So thankful to have found this site.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi Sophie, glad you found SR!
Well, yes, you do have those choices.
Him blaming you for his drinking is not a good sign. It's shows a lack of any kind of personal responsibility. He opens a bottle and he drinks the contents, what's that got to do with you?
Really this decision is about you and what you want for your life. Is this relationship, as it is right now, not as it potentially, maybe, maybe not, might be in the future what you want? To be with someone you kind of need to accept them the way they are, not the way you hope they will be.
Well, yes, you do have those choices.
Him blaming you for his drinking is not a good sign. It's shows a lack of any kind of personal responsibility. He opens a bottle and he drinks the contents, what's that got to do with you?
Really this decision is about you and what you want for your life. Is this relationship, as it is right now, not as it potentially, maybe, maybe not, might be in the future what you want? To be with someone you kind of need to accept them the way they are, not the way you hope they will be.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sophie....around these circles, we say that "Hope is not a plan". Hope will make you feel better, but, will not do one molecule about his drinking or not.
On this site, it is not uncommon to hear the stories of those who held on to hope for 10--20--30 plus years, while their alcoholic became progressively worse over the years.
Of course, you can hope if you want, and pray if you are inclined---but, it is a good idea to leave it in the hands of God or the Universe, while you take care of your own best welfare. He won't be able to take care of your best welfare. That is always our own responsibility.
On this site, it is not uncommon to hear the stories of those who held on to hope for 10--20--30 plus years, while their alcoholic became progressively worse over the years.
Of course, you can hope if you want, and pray if you are inclined---but, it is a good idea to leave it in the hands of God or the Universe, while you take care of your own best welfare. He won't be able to take care of your best welfare. That is always our own responsibility.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 7
Married to an alcoholic and Ambien user.
HI all,
This is my first post, I was given information about this forum and I am glad I found it. I have been married to man for 43 years. He has always drank, beer, vodka, and use to drink mixed drinks. He is a functional alcoholic, but since he retired he has ramped up his usage. He is also addicted to Ambien and takes 1/2 pill a night (not sure of the mg) he says he has to have it to sleep, he has bad sinus issues. Husband is nearly 71 (I am 63) he has no interest in taking care of himself, he is overweight by 50+ pounds, has health issues that could be very serious, swollen ankles bad, numb feet, his Mom and Aunt passed away from Parkinsons Disease, and he shakes his hands sometime. He has prostate issuses and his Dr. prescribed a med to relieve fluid (It isn't helping) He does not want to talk about his drinking, his health issues and will not let me in to discuss it. His next Dr. appointment is in May and he says if I go, he will cancel the appointment. I am sick of it, I am going to be the one who will end up taking care of him, I always knew that when I married an older man, but he is speeding up his need for help. Oh, I forgot, he hoards, he has certain rooms that have so much in them, he saves papers, empty bottles of shampoo, soaps and toiletries from hotels. plus clothes that there is zero way he could ever wear them, some are 20+ years old. He doesn't see the problem, he thinks things are fine since our main rooms are clean and tidy (me)
I will say that he has been a good provider to me and our family (grown kids out of the house) he is well liked by people, had a very good position when he worked and still is asked to help out with issues (auto industry) that is all good and fine, but I know that he is depressed about not having a job anymore and he always says he has no hobbies, he doesn't golf, read etc.
Last week he was drunk (he denies) came in the room and had pissed all over the front of his pants, was swaying and denied that he had been drinking, while I was out of the room for 4 minutes, he snuck out and was driving. I called and called and finally he answered, he sounded drunk of course and had no clue where he was. I told him to get off the road, sit and I would pick him up. Nope. I got in my car and drove around the area continuing to look for him, when he called me and asked me where I was. I yelled I was looking for YOU. I should have called the police and had him arrested (he has never been arrested) My big mistake. I immediately took his keys away, and he went to sleep of course I packed up, and left, went to one of my kids homes and stayed for 3 days. He called and when he spoke to our son, he was obviously drunk and wouldn't listen to him either about getting help and letting us in on his health issues. I made an ultimatum and he still will not allow me to go in with him. He has never admitted that he is an alcoholic, I find empties all over and bottles hidden.
I do not think I can continue to live this way. I have said over and over that this is it! Of course I stay. I know I did scare him when I left. This is no life, no life for me and I know he will not change. he will drink again. he will black out again. I have semi plans and I am lucky enough to not worry about finances, my parents passd last year and left a substantial amount for me. Plus I guess I would get 1/2 of our money accumulated through the 43 years? I think it is time to speak to an attorney to get advice at least. I do love him, he has never physically abused me, mentally that is another thing. I hate this life. thanks all, and I am sorry I rambled. First post! Crazy f-ed up life.. take care..
This is my first post, I was given information about this forum and I am glad I found it. I have been married to man for 43 years. He has always drank, beer, vodka, and use to drink mixed drinks. He is a functional alcoholic, but since he retired he has ramped up his usage. He is also addicted to Ambien and takes 1/2 pill a night (not sure of the mg) he says he has to have it to sleep, he has bad sinus issues. Husband is nearly 71 (I am 63) he has no interest in taking care of himself, he is overweight by 50+ pounds, has health issues that could be very serious, swollen ankles bad, numb feet, his Mom and Aunt passed away from Parkinsons Disease, and he shakes his hands sometime. He has prostate issuses and his Dr. prescribed a med to relieve fluid (It isn't helping) He does not want to talk about his drinking, his health issues and will not let me in to discuss it. His next Dr. appointment is in May and he says if I go, he will cancel the appointment. I am sick of it, I am going to be the one who will end up taking care of him, I always knew that when I married an older man, but he is speeding up his need for help. Oh, I forgot, he hoards, he has certain rooms that have so much in them, he saves papers, empty bottles of shampoo, soaps and toiletries from hotels. plus clothes that there is zero way he could ever wear them, some are 20+ years old. He doesn't see the problem, he thinks things are fine since our main rooms are clean and tidy (me)
I will say that he has been a good provider to me and our family (grown kids out of the house) he is well liked by people, had a very good position when he worked and still is asked to help out with issues (auto industry) that is all good and fine, but I know that he is depressed about not having a job anymore and he always says he has no hobbies, he doesn't golf, read etc.
Last week he was drunk (he denies) came in the room and had pissed all over the front of his pants, was swaying and denied that he had been drinking, while I was out of the room for 4 minutes, he snuck out and was driving. I called and called and finally he answered, he sounded drunk of course and had no clue where he was. I told him to get off the road, sit and I would pick him up. Nope. I got in my car and drove around the area continuing to look for him, when he called me and asked me where I was. I yelled I was looking for YOU. I should have called the police and had him arrested (he has never been arrested) My big mistake. I immediately took his keys away, and he went to sleep of course I packed up, and left, went to one of my kids homes and stayed for 3 days. He called and when he spoke to our son, he was obviously drunk and wouldn't listen to him either about getting help and letting us in on his health issues. I made an ultimatum and he still will not allow me to go in with him. He has never admitted that he is an alcoholic, I find empties all over and bottles hidden.
I do not think I can continue to live this way. I have said over and over that this is it! Of course I stay. I know I did scare him when I left. This is no life, no life for me and I know he will not change. he will drink again. he will black out again. I have semi plans and I am lucky enough to not worry about finances, my parents passd last year and left a substantial amount for me. Plus I guess I would get 1/2 of our money accumulated through the 43 years? I think it is time to speak to an attorney to get advice at least. I do love him, he has never physically abused me, mentally that is another thing. I hate this life. thanks all, and I am sorry I rambled. First post! Crazy f-ed up life.. take care..
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CINCY.......I see what kind of situation that you are in. I am glad that you have enough self esteem to still care about your OWN happiness. I know that you have a history with him and that you say that you love him. Here is the tough reality...."Love" is not enough to rectify your current situation. In fact, if love were enough, there would not be this forum with thousands and thousands of stories like you present with.
I have more to say to you, but, I think it would be best for you to put this post i n your own separate thread. that way, you will get many more responses and will not interfere with the current thread.
See you in your own thread.....LOL!
I have more to say to you, but, I think it would be best for you to put this post i n your own separate thread. that way, you will get many more responses and will not interfere with the current thread.
See you in your own thread.....LOL!
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