(Self) Closure
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Join Date: Oct 2020
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(Self) Closure
I have read a number of posts here by friends and family members who are similarly situated (I have a Q who is my AXBF) saying that these friends and family members just wish for closure. I understand that wish more than these people ever will know because that's all I've ever wanted.
For me, my personal dream of closure would go something like this: While sober, my AXBF would share with me in an open and honest and transparent way that he struggles deeply with alcohol, that he so badly wanted to be with me all those times when he didn't show up, when he blew me off, when he "lost track of time," when he said he would call but didn't, when he said he would do something else with me but didn't, but it was just that alcohol got the better of him. He would tell me that it wasn't me, that he loved me as much as he's loved everyone, that I held the most special place in his heart, and that he wants to change more than anything, and that if anyone could change him it would be me.
That's where my dream ends. It's funny. I don't actually dream or hope that he will recover and return and that we will end up happily ever after because I know in both my brain and my heart that that will never happen. But knowing that it wasn't me and that he loved me so much -- as much as I loved him -- that's all I've ever wanted to hear. That has always been my dream for closure.
Yet I will never hear that. And in reading posts by folks on here who are more experienced than I am, I know I shouldn't want that. I won't get it. I don't need closure to be happy. I don't need him to tell me that he loved me to make myself happy. I won't ever understand. Trying to understand this cunning, mysterious disease is useless. I alone am responsible for my happiness. I have everything in my power to be happy on my own. I do know this.
But the other night when things were so bad, when I was so lonely, and checking my phone and wishing he would call, when I was hurting so bad due to my inability to understand and to know why this happened, and my literature just wasn't helping, I granted myself my own dream. I pretended he said all the things I wanted to hear. I pretended he hugged me and that we told each other we loved each other and that this was a hurdle that was unrelated to me and that it had nothing to do with me. That it wasn't something wrong with me. And I actually felt so much better. Since then, every time I think of him, I just tell myself that he loved me but his love for me wasn't enough. Kind of like the way the love a man dying of cancer -- the way his love for his wife wouldn't be enough to save him from cancer. Even if it might not be true -- meaning who knows whether he ever loved me the way I loved him. But for now I just have to pretend he did because otherwise I am having so much difficulty moving on and my heart feels like it will never heal.
For me, my personal dream of closure would go something like this: While sober, my AXBF would share with me in an open and honest and transparent way that he struggles deeply with alcohol, that he so badly wanted to be with me all those times when he didn't show up, when he blew me off, when he "lost track of time," when he said he would call but didn't, when he said he would do something else with me but didn't, but it was just that alcohol got the better of him. He would tell me that it wasn't me, that he loved me as much as he's loved everyone, that I held the most special place in his heart, and that he wants to change more than anything, and that if anyone could change him it would be me.
That's where my dream ends. It's funny. I don't actually dream or hope that he will recover and return and that we will end up happily ever after because I know in both my brain and my heart that that will never happen. But knowing that it wasn't me and that he loved me so much -- as much as I loved him -- that's all I've ever wanted to hear. That has always been my dream for closure.
Yet I will never hear that. And in reading posts by folks on here who are more experienced than I am, I know I shouldn't want that. I won't get it. I don't need closure to be happy. I don't need him to tell me that he loved me to make myself happy. I won't ever understand. Trying to understand this cunning, mysterious disease is useless. I alone am responsible for my happiness. I have everything in my power to be happy on my own. I do know this.
But the other night when things were so bad, when I was so lonely, and checking my phone and wishing he would call, when I was hurting so bad due to my inability to understand and to know why this happened, and my literature just wasn't helping, I granted myself my own dream. I pretended he said all the things I wanted to hear. I pretended he hugged me and that we told each other we loved each other and that this was a hurdle that was unrelated to me and that it had nothing to do with me. That it wasn't something wrong with me. And I actually felt so much better. Since then, every time I think of him, I just tell myself that he loved me but his love for me wasn't enough. Kind of like the way the love a man dying of cancer -- the way his love for his wife wouldn't be enough to save him from cancer. Even if it might not be true -- meaning who knows whether he ever loved me the way I loved him. But for now I just have to pretend he did because otherwise I am having so much difficulty moving on and my heart feels like it will never heal.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
Oh, I’m so sorry. I can feel the pain coming through your post and it makes my heart hurt for you.
I’m sure many, many people have done this. It doesn’t make you weak, it was probably what you needed at that moment to get you through, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Sending you strength and hugs.
I’m sure many, many people have done this. It doesn’t make you weak, it was probably what you needed at that moment to get you through, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Sending you strength and hugs.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
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Okrunner, you really have touched on something I haven't seen brought up here. It takes me back several decades when I experienced something similar.
It is so often said: "move on", "get over it.", "let go.", "face up to reality". All of that sounds lovely and right but it isn't how humans function. Healing takes time and no amount of human thought and/or will power will change the pain nor the speed of the healing process. We accept the need for time and healing for physical wounds but not for the relational/psychological wounds.
When I was going through that god awful pain after leaving my qualifier I would occasionally go into denial. Denial is not supposed to be a good thing but at that point in my life it was the only break I got from the pain. I needed that relief. The denial didn't last long and I always recognized it for what it was but man oh man did it help. My fantasy was something along the lines of the universe had sent us a huge challenge where we needed to be apart but if we passed the challenge we would get to be together again. This idea obviously was not based on reality but it did help as the pain abated for a little bit.
Please keep getting through the days the best you can. You really are doing something tremendous right now in your life and most things to ease the pain is fair game in my book
It is so often said: "move on", "get over it.", "let go.", "face up to reality". All of that sounds lovely and right but it isn't how humans function. Healing takes time and no amount of human thought and/or will power will change the pain nor the speed of the healing process. We accept the need for time and healing for physical wounds but not for the relational/psychological wounds.
When I was going through that god awful pain after leaving my qualifier I would occasionally go into denial. Denial is not supposed to be a good thing but at that point in my life it was the only break I got from the pain. I needed that relief. The denial didn't last long and I always recognized it for what it was but man oh man did it help. My fantasy was something along the lines of the universe had sent us a huge challenge where we needed to be apart but if we passed the challenge we would get to be together again. This idea obviously was not based on reality but it did help as the pain abated for a little bit.
Please keep getting through the days the best you can. You really are doing something tremendous right now in your life and most things to ease the pain is fair game in my book
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways 
My fantasy was something along the lines of the universe had sent us a huge challenge where we needed to be apart but if we passed the challenge we would get to be together again. This idea obviously was not based on reality but it did help as the pain abated for a little bit.
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Originally Posted by edoering
I have been using a very similar fantasy to help me through as well, wow.
Hang tough. It does get better but not for awhile.
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Thank you all so very, very much. Thank you all.
Bekindalways, thank you so much for saying that relational/psychological wound healing takes time. I am one of those people who rarely gets physically ill but if I do (including COVID), my body takes care of it so fast. I'm so lucky. I had COVID and it was nothing. Flu is nothing for me. I tore my ACL skiing and even my orthopedist was shocked at how fast I recovered. But this relational wound has taken so long. I know I'm progressing but ... wow. It's like I take two steps forward and then fall a step back. Then I read and re-read my literature and take another few steps forward. Then fall a step back. The night I wrote this - that was a step back. Thank you so much for giving me this time and understanding. Bekindalways, when you said "god awful pain after leaving my qualifier," I started tearing up. You get it. And I feel comforted so much by that. I'm so lucky to have you all.
With gratitude~
Bekindalways, thank you so much for saying that relational/psychological wound healing takes time. I am one of those people who rarely gets physically ill but if I do (including COVID), my body takes care of it so fast. I'm so lucky. I had COVID and it was nothing. Flu is nothing for me. I tore my ACL skiing and even my orthopedist was shocked at how fast I recovered. But this relational wound has taken so long. I know I'm progressing but ... wow. It's like I take two steps forward and then fall a step back. Then I read and re-read my literature and take another few steps forward. Then fall a step back. The night I wrote this - that was a step back. Thank you so much for giving me this time and understanding. Bekindalways, when you said "god awful pain after leaving my qualifier," I started tearing up. You get it. And I feel comforted so much by that. I'm so lucky to have you all.
With gratitude~
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Trailmix, thank you so much. I actually do think/wonder that maybe he did love me "the best he could." But he was (and is still) so very sick with alcohol use disorder that "the best he could" was just a small sliver of a tiny fraction compared to what a healthy partner could do. That helps me when I think about it that way. Thank you.
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Hi okrunner. It does get easier with time. I had a fantasy about parallel universes. In one of them my ex stopped drinking and we lived happily after. It was comforting to imagine that somewhere out there that was an alternate reality.
I thought about other realities too. In one of them he got sober and I didn't. That was a bit scary so I got back to focusing on my actual reality.
I learned how to practice self care. It's difficult at first but it's great when you start to provide for yourself the things your loved one wasn't able to.
I thought about other realities too. In one of them he got sober and I didn't. That was a bit scary so I got back to focusing on my actual reality.
I learned how to practice self care. It's difficult at first but it's great when you start to provide for yourself the things your loved one wasn't able to.
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Amaranth, "It's great when you start to provide for yourself the things your love one wasn't able to." You know, he can't travel with me, ever, because he always has to work weekends to make up for the time he misses work when hung over (before I went NC I tried to explain to him how circular this was) ... but I can travel. All by myself. So thank you for that. I think I'll provide that to myself. <3
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