elusivedream

I got the breakup text yesterday mid-afternoon, and he (21M) IMMEDIATELY unadded me from all social media, unshared his location, and even changed the bio and image of a playlist he made for me into something else. Ironically I received a text from him ten hours earlier (at 2AM) before the breakup text saying "I want to talk to you more today. I love you with my soul." He later said he sent this text when the breakup decision popped up in his head, when he wasn't able to sleep and was stressed.

For two weeks I had a feeling something like this was about to happen and/or he wasn't telling me about what was really going on inside his mind. I only found out about the intense cravings in that text. He's been in sober living for a week now after completing and being in rehab for over a year, and he said he's had so many cravings since moving to sl.

I told him maybe this was impulsive, especially since he was overwhelmed and didn't sleep. I told him (and he knows) I was accommodating and understood if he needs more space, I was always willing to compromise and be patient with him, because we've been a similar situation before and he came back. I didn't mind the space because I told him I knew recovery and sobriety comes first, but he said the distance "wasn't enough" and he needed to be completely alone.

He said he loves me but he needs to love his health more, and "there can't be an in between". I tried my best to reassure him, especially when he made the decision not even 12 hours before and hadn't slept, but he said his sponsor and parents agreed (even though they said I was a "great girl") and he was talking to his parents immediately after sending me the text and before I called; there was no rationalizing with him.

It hurts to get cut out of someone's life like that not even 24 hours after they were begging/planning you to come visit, asking to talk to you more, telling you how much you mean to them. Being told they saw a future in us, wanted to move in with you after sober living, starting to get used to the idea, then having them say "I need to be unsure about the future during recovery."

I get it, he needs to be alone and learn to be alone, but hearing how robotic he was on the phone (suppressing his emotions) just kicked me in the gut brutally. We always find our way back to each other, but he wants to protect himself from crawling back right now. No promise of us reuniting in the future, even when I foolishly asked. He didn't even say our last goodbye back.

There was never really any problems in our relationship, either, which makes this even harder. I'm mostly just confused and irritated, and I know I need to let go. As much as I want to be hopeful we find our way back to each other, I know I can't even if I know it's highly likely. I just hope everything is okay in the end.

Hawkeye13

Maybe he really does need to focus on himself now, and he clearly doesn't have the bandwidth to be a supportive partner.
Don't you deserve to be treated far better than this? I think you may need to look more deeply into how you are glossing over some pretty bad treatment--being in a relationship with an addict is a problem, because you are always compensating and walking on eggshells around their addiction.

So sorry for your pain, but this may be what we call "a strangely wrapped gift".

elusivedream

He definitely needs to work on himself and I feel like we were just both lying to ourselves about it to stay together, because I'm ready and stable but he's not no matter how much he wants to be.

Since we were 100% long distance I didn't really feel like I was walking on eggshells or compensating much, but I grew up with a very volatile mentally ill parent so maybe I am glossing over things accidentally (although I'm a pretty self aware person). I hope that's not the case, though, because while there were a few yellow flags with him, the compromises I made were always my suggestions/doings just because I saw him struggling and wanted to help as much as I could. Any little things that upset me I would always eventually bring up to him and it would be resolved quickly without arguments or bad feelings.

But maybe you're right and down the line I'll realize I am glossing over a lot more than I currently think I am. I'm mostly angry about the breakup because, like you said, I deserved to be treated far better in that last conversation after everything I've done.

Thank you for your response, it'll definitely be in the back of my mind for now on as I focus solely on myself and healing.

dandylion

elusivedream......since your qualifier is 21yrs. old---and, I assume that you are an approximate age?-----I think that the Universe is sending you a message. The "message" that this relationship is not right for you , at this time. The Universe will frequently give us "messages" about what is right for us and what is not. lol...when we ignore the messages of the Universe---we can be sent even stronger and stronger messages,until we finally listen and trust the messages.
You are still sooo young, and, this is a time of life that should be for your own exploration, adventures, and personal development. It should not be used up by the stress of a relationship that is not nourishing you. You should be getting more fun and personal enrichment and joy from this time in your life.
Yes....I suggest that you do let this go and turn your attention to your own self and your own needs-----he is simply not equipped to give you what you need in the ways that you want. It will probably take him several years to be ready for a relationship in his own life---if he ever does. It is best to leave him to it---to try to make his own way.

Sueby

My AH and I are currently living separately and late last week I had to start doing NC because he is going downhill fast and causing vast amounts of trouble. But I do remember him telling me last fall (before failed rehab attempt) that when he needed "to be alone", he wouldn't say goodbye because then I couldn't hold/blame him for dumping me (aka: not his fault). From what I understand (of my AH only), that meant he could operate at will while I was to remain in a holding pattern waiting for him to come back. If I had decided to move on during this time, then in his mind I would have cheated. I can guarantee that your SO doesn't mean YOU are single, only him.

Maybe this isn't what happened between you, but the wording is very close to my AH's similar requests over the years.

Hugs to you, I know how hard this is and how you feel. Take care

HardLessons

If I read what you wrote above correctly, this guy is 21 and has been recently in rehab for over a year. Meaning he has some very serious problems going on.

I know this all hurts a lot. I know its extremely confusing & difficult. You may not know it, but This guy just did you a big favor.

I am thinking you are also young. Its a big world out there put him & his major problems in the past & enjoy your life. If you let it, it will all be ok in the end. I survived & so can you.

Please take care.

trailmix

Well, that's very hurtful, I'm sorry that happened to you.

One thing I wanted to mention first off is, I'm not sure if you know how to view other's past threads. I noticed you posted in Knowthetriggers thread, so for instance if you wanted to see all her threads you would click on her name in the thread (above where the picture appears), then click on Public Profile.

Once on the profile you can look at the Statistic tab and choose View all Threads or View all posts.

I mention this because, while KTT has a happy update, it was years in the making and I think it's important to keep this in context. It does not make her story any less successful, just good to know the background.

As for you, I think you (and Hawkeye) are definitely on to something with the glossing over. I didn't have a mentally ill parent per-se but I did have an alcoholic one. Without realizing it, when there is dysfunction like that in a household growing up we DO make allowances going forward that, generally, others wouldn't (because we are used to doing just that). To be in rehab for that long at that age is kind of remarkable. He does have a lot to work on and also simply because he is only 21, it may even be harder because he doesn't have the life experience (tools) to help deal with that. I'm glad he is in a place where he can get that help.

Whether you hold out hope of a reconciliation some day or not, I hope you won't put your life on hold for him. It could take years of recovery for him to straighten all this out and neither of your know, at this point, what that will look like. I'm going to guess you didn't know him before he started drinking and/or using other drugs?

I see a little bit of a red flag here. You deserve to be treated better than that - period. We can never expect someone to pay us back for our treatment of them, we need to do things willingly and without expectation. That said, just because you are simply YOU, you deserve to be treated kindly by all those you meet, with respect. The fact that he can't even muster basic respect is another red flag.

FallenAngelina

How long was your relationship? Was it always long distance?

Bekindalways

Hey Elusivedream, I am so glad you found us and I hope you find lots of support here.

As has already been said, you probably need to let this go; however that is always more easily said than done. This is probably leaving you with a lot of pain and anger. It takes a while to work through this. Take all the time you need.

Alanon isn't for everyone but may well be worth a try. Also do anything else you can to amass support for yourself.

In the next weeks and months, take extra good care of yourself: eat well, get a bit of exercise, and let what ever emotions come and go . . . .irk . . .for me they usually came back and back and back . . . . that is how grieving works.

Let us know how you get on. This can be a super tough thing to weather.

elusivedream

I resonate this with a lot, especially since I'm into spirituality and am trying to become more spiritual. I had a gut feeling for a couple weeks leading up to the breakup even though everything was normal so I brushed it off and thought I was self-sabotaging with thoughts of breaking up with him myself. Those same thoughts happened another time we briefly separated, too. I think the Universe has wanted us to separate for awhile but we didn't want to, so even if I'm angry and hurt by his suddenly cold demeanor I just need to let it go. I appreciate your response a lot.

elusivedream

It was about 5 months and it was always long distance. I knew of him somewhat before rehab but we didn't become friends until months into his rehab program.

elusivedream

Thank you for the website tips!

I fear that maybe I let myself go through "tough love" because of my dysfunctional upbringing. Sometimes I describe myself as "loyal to a fault" because in the past I definitely have stayed loyal to people who didn't deserve it/weren't giving me the same effort I was giving them.

I'm definitely focusing on myself on not holding onto the idea of reconciliation any time soon (even though I'm hoping for an apology lol but not holding my breath!) I only knew of him a little before he went to rehab. We became friends while he was in the program.

Ah, I would always tell my friends when they aired concerns about him that I wasn't concerned "because I know he'll pay me back eventually" in regards to me spending money to see him since financially he struggles a lot. He knows in the past I had an ex that seemed to use me for money and he reassured me a couple times he wouldn't do that.

The lack of respect is definitely what I'm most irritated/upset about, because he's only acted like this twice before when he was trying to suppress his emotions and we were separated. When I asked him why he was acting like that on the phone, he just said something like "you know I feel a lot deeply" but it didn't at all excuse how horrible it made me feel.

trailmix

The feeling a lot deeply. Hey, we all feel a lot deeply sometimes! That's being human. The difference is, he probably has other things going on as well? Depression? Anxiety (common with alcoholism from what I have seen). So add an addiction and a relationship on top of that and.....well you know how it goes.

As for the money, maybe his intentions were 100% but the reality is, he's really all over the place. Can he make promises like that when he is a guy who would text you to break off your relationship? I'm just saying, he's not dependable at this point.

Plus, many times people who drug with alcohol or other drugs use it as a coping mechanism. Feel bad? Have a drink! Happy? Celebrate! Bored? Everything is more fun with alcohol! You get the idea. When a person tries to get sober, that go-to is just - gone. Now, they have to try and figure out how to cope with all that like they would have all along if they hadn't used drugs. That's really, really hard stuff if you think about it.

So, it's no surprise he is all over the place and honestly he could be for quite a while.

As for the long distance, I'm not against meeting someone online (I would never use a dating app, but that's me) , I've met people online myself (in person eventually) and they were really good people. That said, with an addict he can hide an awful lot when being online only. I'm not suggesting at all that he was up to anything really untoward, just that his addiction may have been far, far worse than he let on or at the very least he may have hidden much of his struggle.