suncatcher

I have a confession to make and apologize if this appears off topic. I have noticed in my marriage and in my current relationship with alcoholic who may or may not be a narcissist that whenever a narcissistic female enters the picture I get severely triggered and annoyed. In my marriage I had a sister in law that was very attention seeking and narcissistic. I hated being around her. In my current relationship there is a female neighbor that often comes over when I visit the ABF and she exhibits these same "look at me" narcissistic traits. I cringe when she walks in the room. I am not sure why I let these personality types get under my skin. I'm sure it is part of the low self esteem, empathic and codependent nature of my own stuff getting in the way. These personalities seem to get a lot of males including my SO's attention and they usually don't understand my less than positive reaction to the female friend or person. I know I probably sound like a pathetic, jealous female here but it is the covert or overt things they do and say that bug me the most. Underhanded comments etc. I really want to get a handle on this thing. Im doing a lot of reading and self awareness on my part to rise above this. I just wondered if anyone else has experienced this or am I completely off my rocker here? I know detachment and distancing myself are useful tools and I have been practicing those but it still doesn't get to the root of this problem on why these people bother me so much? Just had to rant on this as I have been seeing many posts on narcissism on here lately. Again, I apologize if it is off topic but I welcome any thoughts or similar experienes on this. I do know that leaving the relationship is also an option but I want to get to the bottom of my issue because I know it will just resurface in another relationship most likely. Thank you for listening.

suncatcher

I tried to delete the duplicate post but it didn't work. My apologies for this.

trailmix

Well, narcissist or not, why wouldn't you be a bit ticked off and uncomfortable? Any attention seeking person (where the attention wanted is less than stellar) is annoying! The fact that your SO buys in to it is guaranteed to have you feeling uneasy.

Ideally? You would feel so secure with him that this would not be an issue, but that isn't the case is it?

I had a friend, I mean of several years who was also a friend of my ex husband after we married and she was married as well. Throughout the several years I knew her, she would make remarks to my ex husband that were suggestive. I always thought, well I guess she has a crush on him - oh well lol. As it turns out, after I divorced him, she admitted to me one night that yes, that was the case throughout that time. Also come to find out she was chatting with him on the phone after we divorced (no, nothing ever came of it and it never would, I knew that).

Now because I did trust him and he never played the suggestive game, I felt secure in that relationship. If it hadn't been that way, I don't suppose I would have. Perhaps that goes back to the actions not words thing.

As for your SIL, who was not really a threat in any way to your relationships, perhaps that was something completely different. People high up on the narcissism scale are not known for their kindness and compassion and in fact they ARE a threat to your wellbeing, so that seems like a normal reaction as well?

Anyway, just some thoughts.

suncatcher

Trailmix, thank you for your thoughts on this! I feel like a crazy person letting people like attention seekers and their suggestive outwardly flirtatious ways get to me. I am usually an accepting down to earth person and not normally jealous or uneasy until someone like this is around my So and I. I assumed it triggered some fear of abandonment issue or that perhaps the SO might be entertaining thoughts of being with this person or leaving me? Thank you for making me consider that maybe this uneasyness I feel is maybe even normal 😅 It is something I would still like to delve into further. I eventually would like to be the confident self aware person that isn't triggered by their behavior. I aprreciate your story of your own experience with this type of person too. Good to hear from you! 🤗

Seren

I removed the duplicate for you, suncatcher

suncatcher

Thank you Seren! 😊

suncatcher

I feel completely foolish for even posting about this here. It is just intrusive thinking on my part. That is something only I can work on. It could just be that I am picking one more thing to obsess over with ABF during a stressful time. The positive aspect of all of this is that it is helping me to look inward and learn about my triggers and codependency issues more than ever. Personal growth can be so uncomfortable and unsettling at times. Maybe I am getting closer to getting over this thing with ABF or closer to cutting ties with him. Broken record on that I know. Inching my way there one self help book and podcast at a time!

dandylion

suncatcher-----the way that I look at it---I think that our feelings and emotions are there to be recognized, yes. meaning that they are to be Recognized---but, not to always be seen as some sort of weakness or aberration, just because they are present. Without our feelings we wouldn't be able to function in our environment, successfully---after all, our feelings give us information and alerts and warnings about our environment---both our physical and emotional world.
I really don't think that every feeling that you may have that is not "warm and fuzzy" is an automatic indication of your having "low self esteem and co-dependency".

I am with trailmix on your examples. Any person who inserts themselves as the center of attention along with provocative behaviors---especially, chronically---is not welcomed in most circles. I think that the average person will do away with them, in fairly short order. Either their "audience" will exit---or invite the performer to exit (in some way---politely, or otherwise).
Now, in a specific situation when your own partner seems to eagerly bask in the attention---then, it seems to me that this may mean that thee may be a problem with the partner. Your partner, in my opinion. should, automatically be attuned to your position and feelings and show his respect for you.
In other words, such a person could be like an annoying mosquito, to be batted away---or the harbinger of a more serious aspect of your relationship that needs to be addressed between the two of you.
Even human jealousy can serve a useful purpose in some circumstances.

As a woman, I have, also, come up against the same kind of situation---more than once. There is always this type of personality around, after all.

I do appreciare the fact that you are engaging in self examinatron---but, I just caution against automatically assuming that every feeling and emotion is coming from some flaw inside yourself. Alllow yourself some credibility---lol. There is a saying in some recovery circles---"paralyzing by analyzing". Sometimes, it is best to take a step back from the self help articles, podcasts, etc.----as helpful as they can be---and just "be" and trust your own inner self.

for the record---I can remember one such occassion that was similar to that of Trailmix. It was at a gathering that my boyfriend, at the time, attended. There was an unattached woman who was casting a lot of admiring glances at him---and trying to talk to him, exclusively---in cute attention flirty ways, I noticed, but said nothing, I thought, to myself, how obvious and transparent she was. I felt annoyed, but, didn't automatically assume that I was wrong for that. I thought less of her---not of myself! Later, I learned that my boyfriend had met up with her while on a trip that he took, He said that "nothing happened" I wasn't completely convinced---but it didn't matter---as out relationship ended shortly afterward---due to other issues in our relationship that didn;t have anything to do with that girl.
I think that every situation has to be evaluated in it's total context.

healthyagain

Consider it a gift that you get triggered and annoyed by narcissists, or that you can claim with certainty that someone is one. But narcissistic or not, slithering around someone's partner who is obviously taken is something that should not be rationalized. You are triggered because it is bad and unethical, as simple as that. But then, it takes two to tango. She is simply throwing a bait, but the fish swallows it. And good-quality fish will not fall for those games. We often assume that the baiter is the only responsible side.

suncatcher

Dandylion and Trailmix, I feel like both of you had appropriate, healthy responses to your situations with the attention seeking woman in your stories. I think the reason I feel so uncomfortable is that I get consumed with the unpleasant or jealous thoughts. Also this woman has planted herself in what used to be like a safe zone to me ..my home away from home place. Now I never know when she is going to pop in unannounced with her bs and I feel like I have to be on guard. I do feel like the ABF should be setting some boundaries with her but again its his house, he can enjoy her company and party with her daily despite what my feelings are. That is his choice. Likewise, I can also choose to walk away from the toxic environment. I do feel better bringing this out in the open. I have also been reading too much probably...learning all about "grey rock" technique and how to handle narcissists. It is honestly fascinating but takes a lot of energy that I could be using elsewhere ..probably something way more fun too! Thank you both for your thoughts and for sharing your experiences with me. --Suncatcher

suncatcher

This is so true! This woman is seeing or "hooking up" with one of ABFs buddies so according to ABF I should not feel threatened by her but the fact remains she is "slithering" around and I plain don't like it. I know I can not diagnose her as a narcissist but rather someone who has the behavior traits and many of them! I agree it is probably a good thing I am uncomfortable in the situation and maybe this is what will encourage me to hang out at another pond with the better quality fish! 😍 thank you!

suncatcher

Dandylion, the best part that stood out for me in your response was " I thought less of her, not of myself!" 😊this! This is what I need to be doing. Instead of making it a character flaw on my part, just admit this person is making me uncomfortable but that it does not have to mean there is something wrong with me. My brain is just wired to go in that direction! Lol

velma929

Most normal people are annoyed by folks who draw excessive attention to themselves and intentionally undermine others. What clever people learn to do is to avoid those people when they can. You can't do anything about shallow men who ogle someone inappropriately dressed to drop in for a visit. You CAN pick better friends and lovers. You CAN decide not to visit the bf if you know his neighbor is going to get more of his attention than you. Or you can leave when she shows up. You have grocery shopping to do, or an appointment with a friend.

suncatcher

Thank you Velma. This is very true. I do not enjoy spending time over there anymore mainly because of the intrusive neighbor. At first I was doubting myself thinking I was the one with the problem wishing I could just be confident and laid back enough to either not let this woman get to me or just not care 🤷‍♀️ but I am trusting my feelings more and as Dandylion mentioned giving myself some credibility here. We all come in contact with toxic people and situations in life. I am learning to trust those bad vibes I get when I am over there and paying attention to how emotionally drained I am when I leave there. It shouldn't be rocket science to figure out I do not need to spend my time there or my energy thinking about it but I am one that tends to hold on to relationships too long..even when they become toxic! Learning to let go but it is hard sometimes. Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate being able to vent here and gain some new healthy perspectives!

Eauchiche

There is a subculture in my area that produces narcissistic women who believe that men exist to obey them.
When I was young I was attracted to these women. I tried my best to please them.
Now that I am older when they come around. I prove to be a disappointment to them 100% of the time.
I told the last one who tried, that I was too old for steer manure.

Anaya

Copied and pasted part of your post, wanting to comment on the "neighbor" thing.

I can relate! I've also a female neighbor, this person, who is full of herself, bold, etc., and who has been, if you will, in my and SO's face (though, he does not protest much, lol). I guess it could be said that both of them are controlling, both like lots of attention, etc., seeming to build on each other's antics.

I trust my gut and keep my distance these days; boundaries help.

Seeing each of them for who they really are also helps.

Anyway, as for the in-your-face neighbor, we don't see her much these days, since everyone in the neighborhood is closed in due to very cold weather.

suncatcher

Thank you for your response Anaya! It has been 6 months since I posted this and thought I would provide an update. I have been journaling and doing some intense inner work over the winter months. I feel like I am in a better place now. The environment I was spending time in with the intrusive female neighbor and alcoholic bf was very toxic for my wellbeing. I had to come to terms with that. One day I just realized I didn't have to engage with them anymore. I have pretty much gone no contact. He still calls, thinks I am ignoring him etc but in reality I am just choosing to spend my time doing things I enjoy. This has been such a one-sided relationship for so long with me catering to him and doing the things he wants to do...drink, go to bars, sit in his garage. I am just done with all of that. I don't align with any of those things anymore. I have no ill feelings toward him and wish him well but I just can't keep going over there. In a way, this female neighbor helped me to move on and see what I was blind to for a long time. I guess I should thank her 😄 I appreciate your honesty and for sharing your experience with the in your face neighbor you deal with! It can be exhausting for sure!

Ariesagain

Suncatcher, I’m so pleased to read your update. I think it’s important to recognize and applaud the fact that your gut instincts were right from the the beginning...we are told we are wrong so often by the narcissists in our lives that we stop trusting those instincts. The good news is that the older you get, the more accurate your BS detector becomes, if you listen to it. You’re a smart cookie...trust yourself!

dandylion

Great Update!!

suncatcher

Thank you Aries and Dandy! 🤗 I do feel like this has been a narcissistic relationship even though I didn't see it before. The Little Shaman on youtube has helped me to see things with more clarity ✨ as well as journaling along with daily gratitude! I am also thankful for my SR friends! To quote Little Shaman: "May the great spirit bless you and have a wonderful day!" ❤