How do I deal with this.
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 47
How do I deal with this.
Hello everyone
My husband and I seperated a few months ago. He is a binge drinker/rec drug user and has general mental health issues/irritability/depression etc which was often taken out on the kids and I.
We are doing one week on one week off with the kids.
The thing is, his lifestyle when he is not with the kids is all the stuff he was doing before, but just more frequently (binge drinking/weed/coke etc).
He has been good on his weeks with the kids, he saves the benders for his weeks off. So that is good.
However, as we all know if we are on this board that that kind of lifestyle doesn't just impact you the day after - it makes you flat, low energy,irritable etc all the time.
Even though he isn't doing it when he is with the kids (he drinks but not to the extent that he does on his days off) I can't help but feel that it will still impact them. His moods/come downs etc will impact. Not to mention the fact that eventually they are going to see what kind of lifestle their Dad embraces as they get older and more aware.
Do I need to just accept it and be glad that he isn't having the benders when the kids are around? Or should I be protecting the kids from any potential impact and reducing his time?
This just sucks.
My husband and I seperated a few months ago. He is a binge drinker/rec drug user and has general mental health issues/irritability/depression etc which was often taken out on the kids and I.
We are doing one week on one week off with the kids.
The thing is, his lifestyle when he is not with the kids is all the stuff he was doing before, but just more frequently (binge drinking/weed/coke etc).
He has been good on his weeks with the kids, he saves the benders for his weeks off. So that is good.
However, as we all know if we are on this board that that kind of lifestyle doesn't just impact you the day after - it makes you flat, low energy,irritable etc all the time.
Even though he isn't doing it when he is with the kids (he drinks but not to the extent that he does on his days off) I can't help but feel that it will still impact them. His moods/come downs etc will impact. Not to mention the fact that eventually they are going to see what kind of lifestle their Dad embraces as they get older and more aware.
Do I need to just accept it and be glad that he isn't having the benders when the kids are around? Or should I be protecting the kids from any potential impact and reducing his time?
This just sucks.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The fact is, their dad is an alcholic who doesn't want to stop drinking. It's nice that he's managing to avoid benders while he has them, but it isn't just the activity of drinking or the state of being drunk that affects his relationship with his children.
You, however, cannot manage his relationship with them. The best thing that you can do, in my opinion, is make sure they have the support and guidance they need to navigate having a father who struggles with addiction, and that they understand that no matter what it feels like, his addiction is not their fault, nor their responsibility. That there is nothing they can do, be or say that will change him. And most importantly, that it has nothing to do with who they are are or their value as people.
You, however, cannot manage his relationship with them. The best thing that you can do, in my opinion, is make sure they have the support and guidance they need to navigate having a father who struggles with addiction, and that they understand that no matter what it feels like, his addiction is not their fault, nor their responsibility. That there is nothing they can do, be or say that will change him. And most importantly, that it has nothing to do with who they are are or their value as people.
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
The fact is, their dad is an alcholic who doesn't want to stop drinking. It's nice that he's managing to avoid benders while he has them, but it isn't just the activity of drinking or the state of being drunk that affects his relationship with his children.
You, however, cannot manage his relationship with them. The best thing that you can do, in my opinion, is make sure they have the support and guidance they need to navigate having a father who struggles with addiction, and that they understand that no matter what it feels like, his addiction is not their fault, nor their responsibility. That there is nothing they can do, be or say that will change him. And most importantly, that it has nothing to do with who they are are or their value as people.
You, however, cannot manage his relationship with them. The best thing that you can do, in my opinion, is make sure they have the support and guidance they need to navigate having a father who struggles with addiction, and that they understand that no matter what it feels like, his addiction is not their fault, nor their responsibility. That there is nothing they can do, be or say that will change him. And most importantly, that it has nothing to do with who they are are or their value as people.
I haven't told the kids about the addiction as I think it would scare them. I probably will when they are teenagers in a few years time.
Feels like I will be cleaning up his mess up for years even though we won't be together. F addicition! It is just the worst.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
hi FTL. I'm going to make a suggestion of the take what you like and leave the rest type! As a person who grew up with an alcoholic Father, they already know. I don't know their ages but if they are 5 or older, they know something is wrong.
Now they may not have language for it, they may not even know what an "alcoholic" is, but they know there is dysfunction and they will start to react to that. Things like building defenses, for when they feel unsafe or worried (which they do), trying to smooth things over so nobody gets upset etc etc. So I would have an age appropriate conversation about it - so they know that is going on and that can alleviate some of the fear. It may not seem like they know, but kids in that environment think it's normal, they don't know any different so they are unlikely to bring it up to you. This is going on but everyone is just carrying on - why would they bring it up?
I would suggest you speak to a lawyer, someone who specializes in/has a lot of experience with addiction. Perhaps your local women's shelter or DV can refer you to one. I would have a visitation agreement drawn up, even if you aren't on the brink of divorce right now. You can have things put in like he must be sober then the children are there and have something like sober-link attached to that. You wouldn't leave them alone with a babysitter who was having a few drinks and the same applies here.
Anyway, just some suggestions. As you know, addiction is progressive and while he might be trying to sort-of maintain some normalcy right now, that doesn't mean he always will or that you can trust that he is at least partially sober with the kids.
Now they may not have language for it, they may not even know what an "alcoholic" is, but they know there is dysfunction and they will start to react to that. Things like building defenses, for when they feel unsafe or worried (which they do), trying to smooth things over so nobody gets upset etc etc. So I would have an age appropriate conversation about it - so they know that is going on and that can alleviate some of the fear. It may not seem like they know, but kids in that environment think it's normal, they don't know any different so they are unlikely to bring it up to you. This is going on but everyone is just carrying on - why would they bring it up?
I would suggest you speak to a lawyer, someone who specializes in/has a lot of experience with addiction. Perhaps your local women's shelter or DV can refer you to one. I would have a visitation agreement drawn up, even if you aren't on the brink of divorce right now. You can have things put in like he must be sober then the children are there and have something like sober-link attached to that. You wouldn't leave them alone with a babysitter who was having a few drinks and the same applies here.
Anyway, just some suggestions. As you know, addiction is progressive and while he might be trying to sort-of maintain some normalcy right now, that doesn't mean he always will or that you can trust that he is at least partially sober with the kids.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Yeah, they know! However young they are! They know! Kids do!
They don't have the words or understand what is going on but they know something is not right.
I knew. As a tiny kid, I knew.
What I would have liked at the time to limit the damage to me was being told that I wasn't causing my fathers behaviours. That there was nothing wrong with me. Kids tend to think everything is their fault.
Sorry you are in this situation. As you say, it sucks.
They don't have the words or understand what is going on but they know something is not right.
I knew. As a tiny kid, I knew.
What I would have liked at the time to limit the damage to me was being told that I wasn't causing my fathers behaviours. That there was nothing wrong with me. Kids tend to think everything is their fault.
Sorry you are in this situation. As you say, it sucks.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
I'm sure the kids know and they will love their dad regardless of his behaviours. I would suggest you leave them to work their relationship out with him as long as they know they can ring you anytime day or night if they feel unsafe/worried. I don't know how old they are so not sure if this is practical.
I have witnessed kids really suffer when the "not-at-fault" parent constantly makes references to the addiction/neglect/bad behaviour of the addict parent. This is not helpful to the kids. They love the addict parent unconditionally and it's confusing and painful to hear the other parent criticize. I have seen kids lie to their mother to protect their father from the mother's reaction to bad behaviour. It gets very emotionally messy.
It's hard but try to let them develop their own relationship with their dad. However well intentioned, your input in that relationship will be perceived as all those things addicts often say about their co-parent......controlling, interfering, judging, rigid, no-fun etcIt's only necessary to intervene if there is a serious risk to safety. As the kids get older they may not want to discuss their dad with you. They don't want to be in the middle, they just want to love both of you.
over time I have found with my kids, the less I ask about their dad, the more they tell me.
I have witnessed kids really suffer when the "not-at-fault" parent constantly makes references to the addiction/neglect/bad behaviour of the addict parent. This is not helpful to the kids. They love the addict parent unconditionally and it's confusing and painful to hear the other parent criticize. I have seen kids lie to their mother to protect their father from the mother's reaction to bad behaviour. It gets very emotionally messy.
It's hard but try to let them develop their own relationship with their dad. However well intentioned, your input in that relationship will be perceived as all those things addicts often say about their co-parent......controlling, interfering, judging, rigid, no-fun etcIt's only necessary to intervene if there is a serious risk to safety. As the kids get older they may not want to discuss their dad with you. They don't want to be in the middle, they just want to love both of you.
over time I have found with my kids, the less I ask about their dad, the more they tell me.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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What Amaranth just said----"the less I ask about their dad, the more they tell me".....really resonates. I discovered this when my three children were visiting their dad. Upon return, they didn't want to talk at all about the visit. But, as time went on, it would come out in dribs and drabs--here and there. It was like they had to process or digest it on their own before they felt safe to talk about it,
I, also, agree that one can assume that the kids know more than you might imagine. As adults---all of us adults--we constantly underestimate what our kids know, Conversations with my, now, adult kids, has taught me that. I am constantly amazed, as we talk about their childhood years, how much was really going on in their little minds!
I, also, agree that one can assume that the kids know more than you might imagine. As adults---all of us adults--we constantly underestimate what our kids know, Conversations with my, now, adult kids, has taught me that. I am constantly amazed, as we talk about their childhood years, how much was really going on in their little minds!
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Now they may not have language for it, they may not even know what an "alcoholic" is, but they know there is dysfunction and they will start to react to that. Things like building defenses, for when they feel unsafe or worried (which they do), trying to smooth things over so nobody gets upset etc etc. So I would have an age appropriate conversation about it - so they know that is going on and that can alleviate some of the fear. It may not seem like they know, but kids in that environment think it's normal, they don't know any different so they are unlikely to bring it up to you. This is going on but everyone is just carrying on - why would they bring it up?
I didn’t have children. But I was a child. I had an inexplicably moody, angry father we all danced around and a mother who continually told us how wonderful everything was and how lucky we were. I wasn’t stupid. I knew things weren’t right from age four. So what I learned was to pretend they were, to walk on eggshells in relationships, and to never completely trust either of my parents, or really, anyone.
She outlived him by three years. During that time she was still singing his praises and I was still having to live that lie whenever I saw her and I hated it. It meant I never had a close, honest relationship with her and that we never talked about anything meaningful in six decades.
Your kids know something isn’t right. Please don’t lie to them and please talk to experts who can tell you how best to talk to them and how to protect them. At some point, your ex isn’t going to be able to keep up the sober behavior during his time with them and they need to know what to do if they start to feel uncomfortable. They need to have a plan and most of all, they need to know they can always count on you.
Wishing you well.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Aries is right....he won't be able to keep up the "sober" behavior during his time with them, forever. As the alcoholism progresses--and, unarrested, it will---it will become more and more difficult, for him.
Children, because they are dependent, require time and attention and tending to. They can be tiresome for adults and can really cut into a person's drinking time.
A pattern that I have frequently seen and experienced, myself----is that many fathers will make a loud noise, in the beginning about wanting lots of visitation time. But, as time goes on, this enthusiasm slowly dwindles. And, so, they quietly relinquish their time with the kids. For my own kids, it became almost nothing,.
I am thinking that this might work in your favor with your situation.
Did you know that there are lots of books about how to talk to kids about alcoholism? There are, also, written for the various age groups. You can find them on amazon.com....in the book section.
You can, also, find them through your local library. You might find them helpful. I have seen some that are arranged for the non-alcoholic parent to read, along with the child,
Just like you have no control over his alcoholism, you, also, have no control over the kind of father that you WANT him to be. I know that this is a heartbreaking realization to come to---as it puts to rest the kind of hopes for a fantasy that we want for our kids. You will probably grieve over this for a while. I can, tell you, however, that accepting the reality that he is who he is, will make things so much easier for you to make your decisions and to take care of your kids. I know that it did for me.
'
Children, because they are dependent, require time and attention and tending to. They can be tiresome for adults and can really cut into a person's drinking time.
A pattern that I have frequently seen and experienced, myself----is that many fathers will make a loud noise, in the beginning about wanting lots of visitation time. But, as time goes on, this enthusiasm slowly dwindles. And, so, they quietly relinquish their time with the kids. For my own kids, it became almost nothing,.
I am thinking that this might work in your favor with your situation.
Did you know that there are lots of books about how to talk to kids about alcoholism? There are, also, written for the various age groups. You can find them on amazon.com....in the book section.
You can, also, find them through your local library. You might find them helpful. I have seen some that are arranged for the non-alcoholic parent to read, along with the child,
Just like you have no control over his alcoholism, you, also, have no control over the kind of father that you WANT him to be. I know that this is a heartbreaking realization to come to---as it puts to rest the kind of hopes for a fantasy that we want for our kids. You will probably grieve over this for a while. I can, tell you, however, that accepting the reality that he is who he is, will make things so much easier for you to make your decisions and to take care of your kids. I know that it did for me.
'
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