That heavy feeling
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
That heavy feeling
The last couple of days I have had that awful heavy feeling in my gut, that sad and icky feeling which I think comes from feeling like there is nothing I can do to make things better. It started after I had a long talk with my teen the other day about how she treats her dad, she is really not nice to him at all, won't talk to him, won't let him hug her, etc. She's really not very nice to anyone but my AH particularly. She is also not one I can get to open up or talk about anything but the other night I asked her what it was that bothered her so much about her dad. It started with "he doesn't listen to me", "he talks to me like I'm still a baby", "he eats out all of the time", and then "he drinks too much", she then said to be honest nothing will get better as long as he's drinking. Now I know I've been told many times kids are very smart and know what's going on but I guess I was living in some sort of denial that she wasn't picking up on pretty much everything I see as well. My husband has such a high tolerance that I didn't think she was picking up on his being drunk most nights. She has clearly been paying very close attention and if I know her she has been counting his drinks and watching how much alcohol he goes through. I asked her if she wanted to write him a letter and let him know he she felt, not that it would help but I thought it would allow her to get some of these feelings out. She said she didn't want to do that because she was afraid it wouldn't change and then she would be really upset. It's just so bloody depressing. I've tried to get her to talk to someone in the past and she absolutely refuses. She goes to college next year and I really don't want to uproot her life right now when she has so much other stress and pressure. AH is a good man, he's not abusive or unkind, he's a good provider and I know he loves us, he loves getting drunk every night more. I know there is nothing anyone can say, I really just needed to vent.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Well if nothing else, it's good you two talked about it. Teens get frustrated easily (as you already know!) and having everyone ignoring the elephant in the room must be maddening for some.
I was a teen at one point with an alcoholic Father and I didn't like him much either and I went through a period of time where I didn't speak to him either (he chose to mock me about that, which was great).
While parents choose each other, kids don't choose their parents. We don't have to love them or at the very least we don't have to like them and we know that. They can be nice, they can be a good provider, heck maybe even pleasant when not in withdrawal/with a hang over, but they are always not really there and we know that too. As an aside, I never counted his drinks or noticed how often he drank, except when he wouldn't drink for a couple of days, that was noticeable.
I was a teen at one point with an alcoholic Father and I didn't like him much either and I went through a period of time where I didn't speak to him either (he chose to mock me about that, which was great).
While parents choose each other, kids don't choose their parents. We don't have to love them or at the very least we don't have to like them and we know that. They can be nice, they can be a good provider, heck maybe even pleasant when not in withdrawal/with a hang over, but they are always not really there and we know that too. As an aside, I never counted his drinks or noticed how often he drank, except when he wouldn't drink for a couple of days, that was noticeable.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
Thanks for your perspective TM. AH will mock my daughter as well, and will keep pushing her buttons trying to get her to respond to him. He thinks he's being funny but I can see it's just pushing her farther away. What do you think would have been helpful to you during that time?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nd819........Maybe you feel that there is nothing "that anyone can say"....;but, I feel that there is a lot that we can Suggest, to you. I just went back and read all of your previous threads, from the beginning, and there have been a lot of suggestions.
From what you share about your teen children, it appears that they have/are being impacted by your husband's drinking--and the effect it has had on the complete household. Remember, that they notice everything---they are like little sponges...lol.
I am going to be very direct, as I say that your children need help---Now. It is not too late to begin to help Them. They will carry the experiences of living in an alcoholic household for all of their lives. This will become more evident as they grow older. Yiou can begin to work on yourself and give them the help/tools that will help your relationship with them as they grow into adulthood, The journey is not over when they are out of their childhood years---it continues for you and for them for the rest of your alls' lives.
He doesn't sound like he is ready to quit drinking now (or, maybe ever).....and, you may have decided to remain in the relationship, yourelf. These are your adult choices which you are free to make, obviously. But, I believe that the children deserve and need all the help ;that they can get.
some of the things that you can do for your children----which have already been suggested:
1. Alanon for yourself---even if by online sessions.
2 Alateen for your teenagers
3. At least read the literature from the organization "Adult Children of Alcoholics". You will find their Big Book" and their other literature on amazon.com, in the book section, or, from /through the local library.
4. There are lots of book written about how to talk to children about alcohiolism---for the different age groups. You could get some of these books for your teens---and, read them yourself,
5. You can seek the help of profesionals. A counselor for yourself. Counselors that are licensed alcoholism counselors (for yourself---to help You).. A Family counselor for you and your children to attend together----even if your husband will not attend with you. ***This can be very powerful in the family dynamic,
6. About number 5------I think it is very important that one not let the dependent children to determine the Family Boundaries"....in other words,do not be intimidated by your children. You are still the Parent---and, you still have leverage when it comes to attending to their best welfare. Do Not let the "tail wag the dog". It is not necessary for our teens to always like us. It is stillour job to protect them and help them when it is in their best interest. they might get mad or even surly---but, they will get over it as they grow older and mature.
7. Do not feel that you are helpless over all of this. You are not helpless--even if you believe that. You are capable of always taking the next right step.
8. Do not stop reading and studying. Knowledge is power. Do you know that there are well over a hundred great articles on addiction/alcoholism and it's effects on the family and loved ones, in our extensive library of articles. They are contained within the "Classic Reading" section of the stickies....and, in the "Best ol Soberrecovery" forum at the very bottom of the main web page. There is a wealth of information, experience and inspiration, there..
From what you share about your teen children, it appears that they have/are being impacted by your husband's drinking--and the effect it has had on the complete household. Remember, that they notice everything---they are like little sponges...lol.
I am going to be very direct, as I say that your children need help---Now. It is not too late to begin to help Them. They will carry the experiences of living in an alcoholic household for all of their lives. This will become more evident as they grow older. Yiou can begin to work on yourself and give them the help/tools that will help your relationship with them as they grow into adulthood, The journey is not over when they are out of their childhood years---it continues for you and for them for the rest of your alls' lives.
He doesn't sound like he is ready to quit drinking now (or, maybe ever).....and, you may have decided to remain in the relationship, yourelf. These are your adult choices which you are free to make, obviously. But, I believe that the children deserve and need all the help ;that they can get.
some of the things that you can do for your children----which have already been suggested:
1. Alanon for yourself---even if by online sessions.
2 Alateen for your teenagers
3. At least read the literature from the organization "Adult Children of Alcoholics". You will find their Big Book" and their other literature on amazon.com, in the book section, or, from /through the local library.
4. There are lots of book written about how to talk to children about alcohiolism---for the different age groups. You could get some of these books for your teens---and, read them yourself,
5. You can seek the help of profesionals. A counselor for yourself. Counselors that are licensed alcoholism counselors (for yourself---to help You).. A Family counselor for you and your children to attend together----even if your husband will not attend with you. ***This can be very powerful in the family dynamic,
6. About number 5------I think it is very important that one not let the dependent children to determine the Family Boundaries"....in other words,do not be intimidated by your children. You are still the Parent---and, you still have leverage when it comes to attending to their best welfare. Do Not let the "tail wag the dog". It is not necessary for our teens to always like us. It is stillour job to protect them and help them when it is in their best interest. they might get mad or even surly---but, they will get over it as they grow older and mature.
7. Do not feel that you are helpless over all of this. You are not helpless--even if you believe that. You are capable of always taking the next right step.
8. Do not stop reading and studying. Knowledge is power. Do you know that there are well over a hundred great articles on addiction/alcoholism and it's effects on the family and loved ones, in our extensive library of articles. They are contained within the "Classic Reading" section of the stickies....and, in the "Best ol Soberrecovery" forum at the very bottom of the main web page. There is a wealth of information, experience and inspiration, there..
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nd819......about him mocking your daughter---and, then keep pushing her buttons....Here is my two cents on that---I see it as a form of emotional abuse (especially as he is in the power position over her)----and, it is aggressive manipulation of her, in the least. I would expect this to push her away from him, even more.
It is our job to protect our children---even from the other parent's bad/abusive actions, if necessary. It is our job to protect and help them. If we don't, they will. often, begin to resent the parent that DID NOT protect them.
It may be that you will need to confront your husband and require that he stop that---or, whatever action that you need to take to protect your daughter from this harmful behavior.
So many times, we see, on this forum, that the children grow to resent the parent who did not protect them, as much as they resent (and, sometimes, even more) as they resent the alcoholic parent.
It is our job to protect our children---even from the other parent's bad/abusive actions, if necessary. It is our job to protect and help them. If we don't, they will. often, begin to resent the parent that DID NOT protect them.
It may be that you will need to confront your husband and require that he stop that---or, whatever action that you need to take to protect your daughter from this harmful behavior.
So many times, we see, on this forum, that the children grow to resent the parent who did not protect them, as much as they resent (and, sometimes, even more) as they resent the alcoholic parent.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
Thank you Dandy, I will be honest, I felt like I just got kicked in the gut and now I can't stop crying, but everything you say is absolutely true and I needed to hear it (probably again I know). I go through cycles where I get mad and fired up, take small steps, and then settle back into complacency where I am just trying to keep the relative peace. I KNOW it is not right yet here I am allowing the cycle to continue. I know I need help, I feel like the worst parent! When they were younger I was so afraid to ever have to leave them alone with him but maybe I would at least taught my daughter that you don't have to accept this life.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Nd......I am aware t hat I have been very direct with you....and I do want you to know that I have great compassion and caring in my heart for you and your children...and the whole family. I have compassion for alcoholics, also---but, here, the focus is mainly on the loved ones of the alcoholic.
Lol.....I don't know any other way to soften the basic messages that I have tried to give you. I know it is hard to hear---and, I know how prone we mothers are to feeling Guilt!
I don't want to make you feel guilty---it is not my goal---my goal, for you is to actually encourage you to go forward and change the things that you can change for yourself and the kids (especially, the kids).
The culture is not always very good at telling/teaching us what we need to know about alcoholism and its effects on the alcoholic and their loved ones.
I, especially, want you to know that is not Too Late to make positive changes in your children's lives. Every positive step is a good step. Everything counts.
Don't stop reading and learning and trying! Get help every where and every place that you can.
Lol.....I don't know any other way to soften the basic messages that I have tried to give you. I know it is hard to hear---and, I know how prone we mothers are to feeling Guilt!
I don't want to make you feel guilty---it is not my goal---my goal, for you is to actually encourage you to go forward and change the things that you can change for yourself and the kids (especially, the kids).
The culture is not always very good at telling/teaching us what we need to know about alcoholism and its effects on the alcoholic and their loved ones.
I, especially, want you to know that is not Too Late to make positive changes in your children's lives. Every positive step is a good step. Everything counts.
Don't stop reading and learning and trying! Get help every where and every place that you can.
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Join Date: Jun 2020
Location: Anywhere, US
Posts: 21
True
I'm an ACoA, grown and raising my own children now. When my own oldest child was only 6, I had a long talk with my mother. I had resented her for years for not taking us kids out of the home with an Alcoholic father. She was strong, but in this, she just never found the strength. It caused a divide between my mother and me for over 25 years.
I'm happy to say we mended our relationship shortly before she died. I missed a lot of good years with my mother.
I'm happy to say we mended our relationship shortly before she died. I missed a lot of good years with my mother.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Nd819......about him mocking your daughter---and, then keep pushing her buttons....Here is my two cents on that---I see it as a form of emotional abuse (especially as he is in the power position over her)----and, it is aggressive manipulation of her, in the least. I would expect this to push her away from him, even more.
I can't think of anything that would have made it better. If he would have tried to talk to me about it (which he wouldn't), I wouldn't have listened. I suppose addressing his regular behaviour might have helped, but that's not realistic. Even a sincere apology doesn't mean much if the root cause of the matter isn't addressed (which would also never happen).
I got over this anger eventually, of course. He never changed and we had a distant relationship.
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