Alcoholic/Addict
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 40
Alcoholic/Addict
This is my second post in a year and it’s going to read pathetic. I was involved with a man whom I loved who struggled with alcoholism and cocaine addiction. In 2020 he was in rehab four times.
During the worst year of his life, I became sick and he seemingly doesn’t care at all. It’s spotty when we see one another or speak. All on HIS terms. He is allegedly 100 days clean, but is hateful at times and will blow me up everyday for a month and then ghost me. I don’t understand. He never asks about my health, we always talk about him and his problems.he likes to confess to me almost like I’m his therapist.
it’s been a month since we’ve spoken and it’s hard to accept someone who tells you they love you can just disappear and already have a new girlfriend. Plus I have friends who see him in dating apps. But when I ask what’s up with us or if he’s dating around, he always says no.
Yes I’m behaving in a codependent manner, but it’s hard to let go when someone leaves you on a line. He resurfaces being wonderful any time I start to feel good.
I thought if he got clean and was 100 days in her become more kind an honest. Also, he’s a big-time addict but identifies as an alcoholic.
Ugh. This sucks so bad. It’s like he’s a sociopath with zero empathy. And it’s so easy for him to be unkind and run forward without looking back.
During the worst year of his life, I became sick and he seemingly doesn’t care at all. It’s spotty when we see one another or speak. All on HIS terms. He is allegedly 100 days clean, but is hateful at times and will blow me up everyday for a month and then ghost me. I don’t understand. He never asks about my health, we always talk about him and his problems.he likes to confess to me almost like I’m his therapist.
it’s been a month since we’ve spoken and it’s hard to accept someone who tells you they love you can just disappear and already have a new girlfriend. Plus I have friends who see him in dating apps. But when I ask what’s up with us or if he’s dating around, he always says no.
Yes I’m behaving in a codependent manner, but it’s hard to let go when someone leaves you on a line. He resurfaces being wonderful any time I start to feel good.
I thought if he got clean and was 100 days in her become more kind an honest. Also, he’s a big-time addict but identifies as an alcoholic.
Ugh. This sucks so bad. It’s like he’s a sociopath with zero empathy. And it’s so easy for him to be unkind and run forward without looking back.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Hi friend, I am really sorry you are dealing with this.
This is a pretty clear cut example of how sobriety isn't the same thing as recovery.
I don't really see how he's left you "on a line." His words may be saying one thing, but his actions are telling you a very clear story.
Accepting that this is who he is, rather than wishing he was someone else, is key to moving forward. Letting go and taking care of yourself will reward you a thousandfold in the future.
This is a pretty clear cut example of how sobriety isn't the same thing as recovery.
I don't really see how he's left you "on a line." His words may be saying one thing, but his actions are telling you a very clear story.
Accepting that this is who he is, rather than wishing he was someone else, is key to moving forward. Letting go and taking care of yourself will reward you a thousandfold in the future.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 40
@SparkleKitty
Right, always actions. But he still likes to speak and see me. On his terms.
friend, may I ask what you mean by recovery is different than sobriety?
Right, always actions. But he still likes to speak and see me. On his terms.
friend, may I ask what you mean by recovery is different than sobriety?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Sure thing.
Sobriety = not drinking/drugging. Keeping the body free of substances.
Recovery = learning to face life on life's terms, without numbing the mind or the heart with drinking or drugs (or gambling, or shopping, or sex, or relationships, or food, or any of the myriad other things one can become addicted to). Recovery is doing the internal work--whether through therapy, books, AA/NA/Al-Anon or whatever--to let go of resentments, to achieve self-awareness, to learn to love and respect oneself and by extension to respect others.
Someone else may have a better definiton of recovery. But what it ISN'T is just "not drinking".
Sobriety = not drinking/drugging. Keeping the body free of substances.
Recovery = learning to face life on life's terms, without numbing the mind or the heart with drinking or drugs (or gambling, or shopping, or sex, or relationships, or food, or any of the myriad other things one can become addicted to). Recovery is doing the internal work--whether through therapy, books, AA/NA/Al-Anon or whatever--to let go of resentments, to achieve self-awareness, to learn to love and respect oneself and by extension to respect others.
Someone else may have a better definiton of recovery. But what it ISN'T is just "not drinking".
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Bowielover7 
@SparkleKitty
Right, always actions. But he still likes to speak and see me. On his terms.
Right, always actions. But he still likes to speak and see me. On his terms.
You are under no obligation to speak to him or see him on his terms alone. It doesn't sound like he is offering anything that you are actually seeking from a relationship. What are your boundaries around his treatment of you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 40
@SparkleKitty
Well for a year, I’ve had no boundaries because I thought he’d get well and come around. He told me I’d get the better version of him.
But several weeks ago, the last time we spoke, I told him my friendship or whatever we were doing was no longer available to him. I removed him from all social media and haven’t reached out. Neither has he, again actions.
I thought people truly recovering shied away from new relationships, not the case for him. I’ve been an idiot, if I’m honest. But truthfully I’ve never been exposed to drugs or an addict:alcoholic so my naivety let believe him. And I wanted to.
I know this is an internal insecurity, but I just don’t feel like I’m enough. I don’t drink or so drugs and I thought he’d want people like me in his life as a recovering addict/alcoholic
Well for a year, I’ve had no boundaries because I thought he’d get well and come around. He told me I’d get the better version of him.
But several weeks ago, the last time we spoke, I told him my friendship or whatever we were doing was no longer available to him. I removed him from all social media and haven’t reached out. Neither has he, again actions.
I thought people truly recovering shied away from new relationships, not the case for him. I’ve been an idiot, if I’m honest. But truthfully I’ve never been exposed to drugs or an addict:alcoholic so my naivety let believe him. And I wanted to.
I know this is an internal insecurity, but I just don’t feel like I’m enough. I don’t drink or so drugs and I thought he’d want people like me in his life as a recovering addict/alcoholic
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi BowieLover 
You had two identical Threads so I merged them for you.
It is hard to let someone go, but try thinking about this as if a friend came to you for advice: Here’s a guy who’s often nasty, often ghosting. Doesn’t care if you’re sick, always makes the conversation about himself. Often disappears completely and has a new gf to boot.
He might be wonderful sometimes, but is sometimes enough.?
.. I’d advise my friend not.
He might be a changed person if he got into recovery, sure...but he may not. There are narcissists in recovery too...
There’s really only one bit of advice you could tell your friend - move on because you deserve way better.
D
You had two identical Threads so I merged them for you.
It is hard to let someone go, but try thinking about this as if a friend came to you for advice: Here’s a guy who’s often nasty, often ghosting. Doesn’t care if you’re sick, always makes the conversation about himself. Often disappears completely and has a new gf to boot.
He might be wonderful sometimes, but is sometimes enough.?
.. I’d advise my friend not.
He might be a changed person if he got into recovery, sure...but he may not. There are narcissists in recovery too...
There’s really only one bit of advice you could tell your friend - move on because you deserve way better.
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by Bowielover7
It's very difficult to be in love with someone who doesn't give you the time of day, but as time goes on you'll be able to see even better the red flags you were ignoring.
Just remember to be fair to yourself as well. I notice you have a lot of negative sentiment towards yourself, and I don't think it's justified. Everyone has made mistakes, and has aspects of themselves they want to improve. Recognizing those is normal and healthy, but you've gotta be fair to yourself in that process. My therapist called me out a lot before on demeaning myself (I'm so stupid, etc), but that sort of thought process doesn't help you. It helped to be mindful of those thoughts and break them down. Like, I wasn't stupid, at the time I didn't know this additional info I have now that makes the answer clear in hindsight, etc.
Recognize when you've made mistakes, and be mindful of how to learn from them, but always treat yourself with the love and respect you deserve.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
=Bowielover7;7588751I thought people truly recovering shied away from new relationships, not the case for him. I’ve been an idiot, if I’m honest. But truthfully I’ve never been exposed to drugs or an addict:alcoholic so my naivety let believe him. And I wanted to.
You say you would think he would want a nice, sober person in his life. Not necessarily. If he is still sober he has just lost what he relied on, the drugs. He's all over the place.
So, let him be "wonderful" all by himself or with someone else, then you don't have to be there when he's not wonderful (which sounds like most of the time).
There is a thing called intermittent reinforcement, which is very powerful (if you google it you will come up with lots of information). Is it possible you are missing the random connection rather than the actual man? Could be both but honestly you are so much better off without him. There are lots of fish in the sea and is this the guy you want to have as a partner? Ever? You really deserve so much more.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 40
@trailmix
WOW to the intermittent reinforcement. Thank you for writing back.
You are right, wonderful is rare these days. It’s all so sick. The way he behaves when he comes around and the fact I allow it.
I’ve never experienced anything like this. Whew. And yes, I thought I loved him, but what I realized is, everything said in the first few months were untruths. As SK said, he’s been very clear with his actions. Bizarre.
WOW to the intermittent reinforcement. Thank you for writing back.
You are right, wonderful is rare these days. It’s all so sick. The way he behaves when he comes around and the fact I allow it.
I’ve never experienced anything like this. Whew. And yes, I thought I loved him, but what I realized is, everything said in the first few months were untruths. As SK said, he’s been very clear with his actions. Bizarre.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 5
Hi - thank you for sharing this. I feel like I'm going through something similar with my boyfriend who is currently looking to go into recovery. It's exhausting having to deal with his behavior, he rarely ever asks how I feel about anything. I'm just constantly worrying about him and I keep going between feeling bad for him and feeling guilty for resenting him. The worst part of it all is that I keep feeling like I'm not important to him, and it makes me angry and sad because I love him very much. I've been told by others who are close to him that I should give up, that I deserve better, and that if he wants to get better then he will. But I'm just afraid of what will happen to him if he doesn't have support. I feel powerless and pathetic over his alcoholism, and i'm just so tired of it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 40
@marissa06
Heres the truth. I always thought the one I loved needed my support too. His family had all but washed their hands of him. I was willing to walk through fire holding his hand, and after 4 stints in rehab in 2020 (I was threee for it all), I got ghosted and he has a new girlfriend, whom I’ve heard uses drugs. You see, I’m no good to him because I hold up a mirror he can’t stand to look in and I’m sober and have never done drugs. It’s an awful feeling. All of it. Sending you my good vibes.
Heres the truth. I always thought the one I loved needed my support too. His family had all but washed their hands of him. I was willing to walk through fire holding his hand, and after 4 stints in rehab in 2020 (I was threee for it all), I got ghosted and he has a new girlfriend, whom I’ve heard uses drugs. You see, I’m no good to him because I hold up a mirror he can’t stand to look in and I’m sober and have never done drugs. It’s an awful feeling. All of it. Sending you my good vibes.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
