Constant Anxiety
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 5
Constant Anxiety
My boyfriend of 2.5 years has just decided to go into treatment. Even though I'm relieved that he made this choice I'm still struggling with constant anxiety.
His drinking has been ruining our relationship. I feel resentful of him for his drinking, and that makes me feel guilty because I know his alcoholism is a disease. But, because of his drinking he has done things that have devastated me, he has cheated on me, lied about where he has been or what he has done, broken personal belongings of mine, and been verbally abusive.
I almost feel as if I'm addicted to him. I've been told by his family, my friends, and his friends that I should walk away from the relationship because he will never change. But for the first time he is making a concrete step in the right direction and I don't know if I should give up on him now.
I just hate feeling this way, all I want from him is to get better and acknowledge how he has hurt me. I know it's going to take time for him to heal, and I can't expect him to get better over night but I'm just hoping he takes his recovery seriously.
His drinking has been ruining our relationship. I feel resentful of him for his drinking, and that makes me feel guilty because I know his alcoholism is a disease. But, because of his drinking he has done things that have devastated me, he has cheated on me, lied about where he has been or what he has done, broken personal belongings of mine, and been verbally abusive.
I almost feel as if I'm addicted to him. I've been told by his family, my friends, and his friends that I should walk away from the relationship because he will never change. But for the first time he is making a concrete step in the right direction and I don't know if I should give up on him now.
I just hate feeling this way, all I want from him is to get better and acknowledge how he has hurt me. I know it's going to take time for him to heal, and I can't expect him to get better over night but I'm just hoping he takes his recovery seriously.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here.
You staying or leaving will have little to do with his recovery. He either gets sober, or doesn't. You can't do the journey for him. You can only walk yours. What's in your best interest? Your friends know you, know him, and suggest you walk. Perhaps they are right.
A compromise might be for you to give him the space he needs to work on himself and give yourself the space to work on you. If he's sober in a year, perhaps reconsider a relationship.
Originally Posted by marissa06 
I almost feel as if I'm addicted to him. I've been told by his family, my friends, and his friends that I should walk away from the relationship because he will never change. But for the first time he is making a concrete step in the right direction and I don't know if I should give up on him now.
A compromise might be for you to give him the space he needs to work on himself and give yourself the space to work on you. If he's sober in a year, perhaps reconsider a relationship.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
What would happen if you never got the acknowledgment of hurt you are looking for?
Most of us don't get it. I never did. And eventually I figured out that I never really needed it in the first place. I wanted it, because I told myself it was the only way to achieve "closure," until I learned that closure only comes from within. That accepting others for who they are--limitations and all--instead of who we wished they were or wanted them to be was the only way forward to peace.
He has made one step forward on a journey that could take him thousands of miles. If you have never known him sober, he may not even be someone you want to be in a relationship with. You have been powerless over his addiction, and now you are powerless over his recovery. But you have power over your own self, and a journey of your own, out of your addiction to him and to this toxic relationship, to make.
Most of us don't get it. I never did. And eventually I figured out that I never really needed it in the first place. I wanted it, because I told myself it was the only way to achieve "closure," until I learned that closure only comes from within. That accepting others for who they are--limitations and all--instead of who we wished they were or wanted them to be was the only way forward to peace.
He has made one step forward on a journey that could take him thousands of miles. If you have never known him sober, he may not even be someone you want to be in a relationship with. You have been powerless over his addiction, and now you are powerless over his recovery. But you have power over your own self, and a journey of your own, out of your addiction to him and to this toxic relationship, to make.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
marissa......why should You feel guilty? Mistreatment and abuse of another person is never acceptable---whether they are drunk or sober---or whether it is from a family member or a loved one---or, even a stranger. It isn't acceptable and you don't deserve it.
It is normal to resent when someone hurts us or abuses us. We aren't required to overlook it or accept it or like it.
It, also, isn't the price we should pay to just be with someone else. That price is too high---because it damages us and changes who we are.
When someone abuses and hurts us it is not out of love---it is out of entitlement.
It is normal to resent when someone hurts us or abuses us. We aren't required to overlook it or accept it or like it.
It, also, isn't the price we should pay to just be with someone else. That price is too high---because it damages us and changes who we are.
When someone abuses and hurts us it is not out of love---it is out of entitlement.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
marissa.....I am giving you the following link to an article taken from our extensive library of articles---(do you know about our library of articles?).
I think that this particular article would be helpful for you, right now. It is a pretty good yardstick.
10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
I think that this particular article would be helpful for you, right now. It is a pretty good yardstick.
10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap)
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Marissa
I finally started to deal with the elephant of a loved one drinking when an affair came to the surface.
I don't know if the drinking caused the affair or if they are related in any way shape or form....except for one piece.
Me, myself and I. I tried to make them both okay, and everything okay to give him the best shot of "getting" recovery. I walked on eggshells to make it all work out for him.
It took a long time for me to realize, that is not my decision to make. In retrospect I made myself small and tried to make his well being more important than my own. That was certainly not a healthy plan for me, but it also was not anything that I could assist him in.
When I put someone ahead of myself was my illness. It was hard to separate the two strings of illnesses out (his and mine) but when I kept the focus on what I could manage (me) it worked out much better.
I finally started to deal with the elephant of a loved one drinking when an affair came to the surface.
I don't know if the drinking caused the affair or if they are related in any way shape or form....except for one piece.
Me, myself and I. I tried to make them both okay, and everything okay to give him the best shot of "getting" recovery. I walked on eggshells to make it all work out for him.
It took a long time for me to realize, that is not my decision to make. In retrospect I made myself small and tried to make his well being more important than my own. That was certainly not a healthy plan for me, but it also was not anything that I could assist him in.
When I put someone ahead of myself was my illness. It was hard to separate the two strings of illnesses out (his and mine) but when I kept the focus on what I could manage (me) it worked out much better.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by marissa06
I just hate feeling this way, all I want from him is to get better and acknowledge how he has hurt me. I know it's going to take time for him to heal, and I can't expect him to get better over night but I'm just hoping he takes his recovery seriously.
First of all, he has treated you horribly, but you already know that. Secondly, you don't know him sober, you don't actually know what you are going to get. Unfortunately when you are in the tornado of active addiction (with the addict) you can become so enmeshed in it you don't know where they and their addiction start and end and where you do.
You are right that he will not get better overnight. Sobriety is one thing, true recovery is another. You may never get the apology you are looking for, or it may be years. Also, you have been really hurt in all this, but he probably won't really have time for your concerns when he is focusing on his own recovery (hopefully), so that may cause conflict?
Anyway, just a few things to consider. Please put yourself first, take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Originally Posted by marissa06
His drinking has been ruining our relationship. I feel resentful of him for his drinking, and that makes me feel guilty because I know his alcoholism is a disease. But, because of his drinking he has done things that have devastated me, he has cheated on me, lied about where he has been or what he has done, broken personal belongings of mine, and been verbally abusive.
Just because he drinks doesn't give him a pass to do ridiculous, mean, hurtful things. I'm sure he has drilled in to your head that it's not his "fault" and that he was drinking and got out of control or whatever he had to come up with to make it not his fault. It still is, there is no excuse.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
I'm wondering why you don't take the advice of his family, his friends, and your friends
that you should end this relationship? Do you think they are ALL wrong?
And why not get addicted to someone who treats you kindly, with respect
and honesty and can offer a healthy relationship? These answers are your journey for
YOUR recovery.
that you should end this relationship? Do you think they are ALL wrong?
And why not get addicted to someone who treats you kindly, with respect
and honesty and can offer a healthy relationship? These answers are your journey for
YOUR recovery.
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