Redheadscorpio

Hi, I am 45 years old and I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. The issues in our relationship that brought on the break-up, I believe, are due to his high functioning alcoholism, although I'm not sure.
I guess my question is, do functioning alcoholics get worse? Can laziness or lack of motivation be due to this kind of alcoholism? Does this type of dependency always progress?

​​​​​​I'm at a crossroads, I am deeply in love with this man, but I don't know enough about this type of dependency to make an informed decision about our future.

PeacefulWater12

Welcome Red Head Scorpio

Sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us.

To answer your question, alcoholism usually does get worse, also the "functioning" part of only a stage in the alcoholism journey.

The only way it can be stopped is if the drinker themselves is willing to stop and also do the work to stay stopped. Maintaining sobriety takes a lot of hard work and involves changing their outlook and attitude to pretty much everything.

Perhaps you could have a read around the board, there is lots of very helpful information here. Also lots of people sharing similar experiences.

SparkleKitty

Yes, "functional" is not a Type of alcoholism, it's a Stage.

I have found it's better to accept someone as they are are, right now, and make my decisions accordingly, rather than bank on who I wish or hope they will become.

FallenAngelina

Yes. Each and every one.

As has been said, "high functioning" is not a type of person, it's a stage. Alcoholism is always progressive.

Redheadscorpio

Wow thank you for the very helpful information. I had never considered "functional" as a stage, I've always interpreted it as a "type". This completely changes my perspective. As I look retrospectively I can see that there actually HAS been an increase in the amount he drinks, as well as the negative affect it has had on his life, and therefore our relationship.

Making a decision based on the present information, rather than what can be, also a great piece of wisdom! Now I'm asking myself, if I just got to know my boyfriend recently, would his drinking be a factor in whether I continued with the relationship? I'd honestly have to say yes that it would, I would most likely believe that a relationship with him would be extremely problematic to a healthy future.

He is desperate to be a part of my life still, we both love each other very much. Is it fair or appropriate to give an ultimatem? For example, if I were to tell him that he would need to be in some sort of recovery for me to be confident in continuing with a future together? I'm not sure if that would be a positive approach or if it is flawed thinking?
I am aware of the concept of "hitting rock bottom". He believes that me ending the relationship has caused him to hit rock bottom, but he doesn't blame his drinking he believes its just regular relationship problems that can be fixed. Some of the behaviours are, not going for walks with me because he can't drink a beer legally on public sidewalks, refusing to "pick things up" on his way home from work, because he needs to get home to have a beer, also his hands are shaky when he gets home from work, when he is driving on country roads he drinks a beer. He watches the clock on the weekends, and soon as it hits noon he opens a beer. We don't go anywhere for long periods of time that alcohol is not permitted. I've also noticed an increased lack of care or concern for needs of others, but I'm not sure if that is alcohol related or not. Ultimately, because I do love him, it is more important to me, that he recognizes his dependency and gets help than it is for us to be together.
As well, I will definitely read around the board! Im actually surprised at how relatable this situation is to others. At times, I felt that I may be over thinking things, or just being too judgmental in my mind.

SparkleKitty

The thing about an ultimatum is...you have to be willing to actually do the thing you are going to say you will do. Ultimatums are tricky things, and are very much geared toward attempting to control another person to do what you want them to do. But if they are not ready to do that thing for themselves, the end result is likely to be pretty disastrous for everyone. Already he bellieves he has "hit rock bottom" because you ended the relationship...and yet he is nowhere nearer to recovery than he was before, is he? He doesn't even see that his drinking is a problem. That's just...strange double-talk. So I don't see that offering him an ultimatum at this point will penetrate his inability to see the reality of what's going on between you, and this is likely to just frustrate and confuse you further.

I have found more success when I work in term of Boundaries for Me (as opposed to Rules Others Must Follow for Me to be Comfortable). A boundary is something that is wholly under my control. One of my boundaries is, "I will not ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking." If a situation arises where my means of transportation is a car with a driver who has been drinking, I enforce my boundary by finding an alternate means of getting wherever I need to go. For me, it's a good boundary because it asks nothing of the person who is drinking and driving, and I am not dependent upon them to do what I consider the "right thing" at any time. They are free to do whatever they are going to do, and I am free to do whatever I am going to do...which is call a cab, take public transportation, or walk.

Other boundaries of mine include that I won't be in a relationship with some who abuses alcohol, or with someone who abuses me, or with someone who treats me or our relationship with disrespect. But if someone does those things, it's not up to THEM to maintain MY boundary. It's up to me. I have walked away from romantic relationships, friendships, even family when those boundaries have been crossed, because it's those folks' right to live how they want to live, and it would be arrogant of me to presume I know better. Likewise, it's my right not to subject myself to the consequences of other people's choices.

velma929

This is the person he is, today, right now. If loving someone fixed addiction, none of us would be here.

Redheadscorpio

Sparklekitty... Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your insight. Boundaries instead of rules! I will explain to him that I believe he is an alcoholic, and that nature of the disease is that it progresses in stages and therefore the 2 of us cannot have a healthy future together.
I made a choice based on what I have control over and I did not try to manipulate the situation with an ultimatem in an effort to exercise control over the situation that I inherently do not have. This gives HIM the power to make the decision to acknowledge and get help, or to just believe that I am wrong. Either way, I've created my boundary... I will not be in a relationship with an alcoholic even if I love him.
My hope will be that suffering the loss of our relationship, will play a part, if not now, at some point as the catalyst to his recovery. BUT, my HOPE is not my MOTIVATION, it would merely be an INCIDENTAL hope resulting from me exercising my BOUNDARY! That is my take away... And I'm just in tears over how helpful this group has been for me today... I see everything so much clearer!

Redheadscorpio

Velma 929! Thank you for that insight! Wow!

nez

I was a high functioning alcoholic, but IMO it is an oxymoron if there ever was one, and I became less functioning as time went on. The fact I supposedly was high functioning was my excuse to continue drinking. I mean after all, I was a successful business owner, I was an award winning chef, I was married with no divorces in my history. I had no jail time, no DUIs. I owned a home. I paid my bills on time. I never abused my wife. I just drank a lot. Right!

I sobered up before I suffered from all the yets that accompany alcoholism...like DUIs, jail time, divorce, etc...but it was only a matter of time because they were getting closer and closer the less functioning I became. The first time I went cold turkey I had a seizure from acute alcohol withdrawal which can be fatal without prompt medical care, but because I was high functioning I returned to running a successful business, paying my bills on time, being married...and drinking... because it was obvious that I wasn't an alcoholic because my business hadn't failed...yet...I hadn't failed to pay my bills...yet...I wasn't divorced...yet...etc.etc.etc.

A high functioning alcoholic can sober up...I did, but I sometimes wonder if it might not be harder for a high functioning alcoholic than it is for a low bottom alcoholic; but I am not going to go back out and do any further personal research because I know it would only be a matter of time before I transitioned from high functioning to low bottom. Either way is not pleasant and takes a lot of hard work done with willingness in order to work.

Alcoholism is progressive.

When I sobered up, I discovered how low my high functioning level actually was, it was no where near my peak capacity.

Redheadscorpio

Dear Nez, thank you, I believe my ex boyfriend could be like you! And that gives me hope for his recovery. Despite his denial about his dependency, he has very strong self reflective qualities. He has personally and privately acknowledged many other things in himself that he wanted to change and was successful in doing so. He has a great capacity for problem solving and he's good at it! I believe if he acknowledges his addiction and that it is negatively affecting his life, then he WILL be successful in recovery! Thank you for your encouraging testimony.

nez

Just be aware that if he is like me, the fact that he is high functioning might make it harder for him to break through his denial system and accept the fact that his drinking is negatively impacting his life.

Redheadscorpio

Dear Nez. He has lost our relationship due to his denial (If he acknowledged his addiction and sought help I would not have ended the relationship and I would go with him on the journey through recovery... So in a sense it's not his alcoholism that caused my decision to end our relationship but his denial about it) so, unfortunately he has suffered his first "yet".

Redheadscorpio

Sparklekitty... I am changing my boundary from... I will not be in a relationship with an alcoholic... To "I will not be in a relationship with an alcoholic that is in denial" if he stopped being in denial and wanted help.. I would go on that journey with him

trailmix

I would really encourage you to read around the forum, learn as much as you can about alcoholism (for you, not him) because if in fact he does decide to try recovery at some point, it's a rollercoaster. First he would have to accept he has a real problem with alcohol, then he would need to get sober and then he would have to be totally committed to recovery, whatever that takes, AA meetings, therapy, rehab - whatever it takes. It's a long hard road for most but he can't even start walking that road until he admits he has a problem.

You might find these threads helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

It's from the stickies section found at the top of this forum.

Also, something else to just consider, if he has been drinking throughout your entire relationship, do you really even know him as a sober person?

suki44883

Were it me, my boundary would be...Until he stops drinking completely and is actively involved in a recovery program for at least a year, I will not even consider being in a relationship with him. Anyone can say they've stopped drinking and maybe attend a few AA meetings, but to be successful, it takes a solid life-long commitment. Anything less would tell me he's not serious.

nez

Here I go second guessing again, but at least it based on my experience with me, odds are that if he is in denial about his alcoholism, the he is probably in denial about his part in losing a relationship, he didn't loose a relationship, you walked away, so in his mind it is not a yet because it wasn't his fault and so it doesn't qualify as a sign of the alcoholism he doesn't have to begin with. Been there. Done that. Still can't explain it, just know it from first hand experience.

OKRunner

My AXBF still denies to this day that his alcoholism had a role in us breaking up, he blames it on other things like him getting sick and me thinking that he was drinking when he was not drinking, etc. Every disagreement we had -- he turned it into me being mad at something other than behavior resulting from his drinking. I guess he did that so he could pretend that his drinking was not associated with our break up. He still says he "doesn't understand why we broke up." I have a couple standard text responses that are super polite but super firm and that lay out the facts without any adjectives or any frills. The last time he wrote back, "I see." And then a few lines down, "I get it."

FallenAngelina

THIS

This has become my boundary with my XABF, who continues to beg to get back together. I love him with all my heart, but have come to understand why THIS has to be my boundary and not my former willingness to go on the recovery journey with him (which he is still not even on.) Each of us needs to go on our own journey. We really can't go on someone else's journey with them because the very act of "supporting" our alcoholic loved one is a form self-minimization. I couldn't really understand this until I had a few years of experience going the "support" route. I came to understand that fellow recovering alcoholics and possibly professionals were the only people in a position to truly help him, were he ever to truly open himself up to help. His recovery has to be entirely his own. And meanwhile, I also learned that I had plenty of work to do on myself. This has become one of my mottos:

"If you carry an alcoholic, he will die in your arms."

Hawkeye13

Yes, FA and suki are absolutely correct—I’ve been on both sides of the fence and it is frankly more distraction than help trying to maintain a healthy relationship with a partner when you are trying to build a healthy, sober, and honest relationship with yourself—maybe for the first time.

The issues under the drinking have been around far longer then the partner—in my case, since early childhood. It is too easy when these long-repressed things bubble up when alcohol is removed to avoid facing them by shifting attention, blame, energy to the person “supporting” you instead of drilling down into the tough stuff and building a solid foundation of real recovery.

Sober muscles take take time and focus to build and become the new norm. The criteria above is hard in the short term, but actually give the alcoholic a fighting chance at long-term growth and authentic Recovery.

If a partner becomes an emotional crutch—which can happen very easily for those of us who want to “save” our beloved (remember, we are already in rescue mode), the drinker typically stays crippled, and usually relapses. This can become a tragic pattern that repeats and erodes, and it can last months, years, decades, or a even a lifetime.