A little funny, and a little sad
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Join Date: Jan 2021
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A little funny, and a little sad
My husband and I just recently bought and moved into our first home together, which is very exciting! His drinking has increased during this time due to the stress and ease of getting alcohol at the new location (ofc drizzly delivers 🙄
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Early last week he had a more substantial breakdown, and had been improving over the week since then. Yesterday he went out to get groceries, and the temptation to grab something on the way proved too great. Once I got home from work, it was clear he'd had some. Not enough to fall over, but enough it was clear to me immediately.
I'm rather used to that roller coaster at this point, and wasn't particularly upset or surprised. I asked him directly if he'd had anything, and he confirmed. We talked a bit, but I didn't push it. We were working together to assemble our new computer desks that had just arrived, which was frustrating as assembling furniture usually is, but nothing too bad.
The funny part occurred when I handed him the vacuum to clean off the pieces, and he calls to me from the other room asking "how do I turn it on?" I've always been the one doing nearly all of the chores, and hearing him ask how to turn on the vacuum we've had for the 5 years we shared an apartment was a rather poignant reminder of the discrepancy!
It's funny to tell my coworker (who's husband also struggles with alcoholism) about, and made us laugh, but kind of bitter sweet in that it points out my own enabling habits as well.
My hubby will do chores if directly asked, but very rarely initiates them. Generally if I don't do it, it just won't get done. I've found success in listing two chores that need to be done, and ask which he'll do (would you rather clean the bathroom or vacuum? 3 guesses as to which he picks) while I do the other. That way it's not me "controling" him, though it would be nice if he initiated more chores without needing to be told.
Does anyone else have those little moments?
. Early last week he had a more substantial breakdown, and had been improving over the week since then. Yesterday he went out to get groceries, and the temptation to grab something on the way proved too great. Once I got home from work, it was clear he'd had some. Not enough to fall over, but enough it was clear to me immediately.
I'm rather used to that roller coaster at this point, and wasn't particularly upset or surprised. I asked him directly if he'd had anything, and he confirmed. We talked a bit, but I didn't push it. We were working together to assemble our new computer desks that had just arrived, which was frustrating as assembling furniture usually is, but nothing too bad.
The funny part occurred when I handed him the vacuum to clean off the pieces, and he calls to me from the other room asking "how do I turn it on?" I've always been the one doing nearly all of the chores, and hearing him ask how to turn on the vacuum we've had for the 5 years we shared an apartment was a rather poignant reminder of the discrepancy!
It's funny to tell my coworker (who's husband also struggles with alcoholism) about, and made us laugh, but kind of bitter sweet in that it points out my own enabling habits as well.
My hubby will do chores if directly asked, but very rarely initiates them. Generally if I don't do it, it just won't get done. I've found success in listing two chores that need to be done, and ask which he'll do (would you rather clean the bathroom or vacuum? 3 guesses as to which he picks) while I do the other. That way it's not me "controling" him, though it would be nice if he initiated more chores without needing to be told.
Does anyone else have those little moments?
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Join Date: Jul 2018
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Hi Cookie! Yeah I can relate, just that my partner is sober. But he's never really dealt with anything other than his career in his life to this point and I often feel like I have to teach him everything from scratch. We started dating about 2 years ago and he's willing to learn. He now knows how to cook a few dishes and how to do the laundry. But we just moved in together and I often wish too, he would just see the things that need to be done and do them. But then again, I feel like that's a common problem not just amongst alcoholics, that many men are not overly involved in household chores...
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@Kevlar it definitely seems to be a guy thing, doesn't it? I never really know what the correct answer is. On one hand, I enable that by just doing the chores myself. On the other, I feel like he should be able to see things need to be done, and initiate it without being told, or do it without the expectation of receiving praise or some reward for it. Yet if I don't tell him that, he clearly doesn't see it. It's... confusing and a little silly I suppose
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LOL.....I agree that most domestic tasks are still left to women, more than the men----even when the women have full time jobs outside of the home and when they have children.
At one time, my second husband (the sweet wonderful one) had worked directing the clean up of massive train derailments. A massive responsibility. Yet, he seemed to be challenged by some simple household tasks.
lol....one time, I attempted to teach him how to cook some simple dishes. My first "lesson" was to teach him to make rice krispy treats. After all, my children could make them when they were still very young.
Before it was over....there were dirty utensils all over the kitchen...and marshmallow fluff in his hair, all over the counters and his clothes. It looked like something had exploded.
I never did give him another cooking lesson.
I just gave up on my campaign to teach him how to cook.
At one time, my second husband (the sweet wonderful one) had worked directing the clean up of massive train derailments. A massive responsibility. Yet, he seemed to be challenged by some simple household tasks.
lol....one time, I attempted to teach him how to cook some simple dishes. My first "lesson" was to teach him to make rice krispy treats. After all, my children could make them when they were still very young.
Before it was over....there were dirty utensils all over the kitchen...and marshmallow fluff in his hair, all over the counters and his clothes. It looked like something had exploded.
I never did give him another cooking lesson.
I just gave up on my campaign to teach him how to cook.
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Originally Posted by dandylion 
Before it was over....there were dirty utensils all over the kitchen...and marshmallow fluff in his hair, all over the counters and his clothes. It looked like something had exploded.
He tried to back out of it by saying how bad he'd be at it, I just started laughing at him about it being literally the most menial task you can assign to someone! Put soap on the sponge, rub the sponge against the dishes, rinse and repeat.
The worst part is, he does the dishes sometimes now, but he really does wash them badly. 🤣
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Haha, I pictured that cooking scene dandylion and it made me lol! I'm glad I didn't give up on my partner learning to cook although he was nearly in tears the first time he tried to follow my recipe as everything went wrong and he got so stressed out. Then I broke it down into small tasks like him only prepping the veggies, next time, he'd make the whole pasta sauce, eventually he'd make the whole dish. I also encouraged him to take a lot of notes as he hasn't the best memory.
One thing I've often heard from men who never do any chores without being asked but are willing to help once things are pointed out, is that they just don't see the work that needs to be done. Just like a kid. My partner asked to have a clear "territory" over which he is responsible, that would make it easier. Like vacuuming or laundry. For us that works great.
One thing I've often heard from men who never do any chores without being asked but are willing to help once things are pointed out, is that they just don't see the work that needs to be done. Just like a kid. My partner asked to have a clear "territory" over which he is responsible, that would make it easier. Like vacuuming or laundry. For us that works great.
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Cookie.....I don't see it as "silly". I just see it as going up against generations of cultural sexism in that department.
I see it as all about what they have been taught and what they learned----and what we were taught and learned, also!!
My husband would, also, do (or try to) do any specific task that was ASKED of him---like, maybe, carrying a heavy basket of laundry, for me.
What makes sense, to me, is to try to take it out of the morality zone and keep it in the zone of "work that just needs to be done"...and, then try to problem solve it, as a couple, from there.
Negotiate it out---like most problems in a marriage---negotiate, negotiate, negotiate.
I will say, that if a man is drunk and can't effecienty or willingly do a specific task....then I think that alcoholism comes into the situation---more than just lack of equity about household responsibilities.
I see it as all about what they have been taught and what they learned----and what we were taught and learned, also!!
My husband would, also, do (or try to) do any specific task that was ASKED of him---like, maybe, carrying a heavy basket of laundry, for me.
What makes sense, to me, is to try to take it out of the morality zone and keep it in the zone of "work that just needs to be done"...and, then try to problem solve it, as a couple, from there.
Negotiate it out---like most problems in a marriage---negotiate, negotiate, negotiate.
I will say, that if a man is drunk and can't effecienty or willingly do a specific task....then I think that alcoholism comes into the situation---more than just lack of equity about household responsibilities.
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Hi Cookie,
Oh I can relate! You are not alone in this. While my RAW knows how to turn on the vacuum and cook and do the laundry. I find like your husband she wont initiate the process of chores or cooking unless I ask her. she will pawn it off to one of the kids or wait till i do it saying your better at it then i am. I don't know how many times i have heard the phrase "We need to clean or do this" which means i need to put it on my to do list.
Why some things i don't mind doing. she is not a morning person, I am, so i am the one making us breakfast and coffee and bringing it to her. It would be nice if every now and then I would get ask if I needed something or hay it's the weekend I'll make breakfast and coffee.
Growing up my mom made sure me and my two brothers knew how to cook and do chores around the house. So when we were out on our own, we knew more then how to throw a pizza in the oven. So a lot of it boils down to how the child was brought up.
Oh I can relate! You are not alone in this. While my RAW knows how to turn on the vacuum and cook and do the laundry. I find like your husband she wont initiate the process of chores or cooking unless I ask her. she will pawn it off to one of the kids or wait till i do it saying your better at it then i am. I don't know how many times i have heard the phrase "We need to clean or do this" which means i need to put it on my to do list.
Why some things i don't mind doing. she is not a morning person, I am, so i am the one making us breakfast and coffee and bringing it to her. It would be nice if every now and then I would get ask if I needed something or hay it's the weekend I'll make breakfast and coffee.
Growing up my mom made sure me and my two brothers knew how to cook and do chores around the house. So when we were out on our own, we knew more then how to throw a pizza in the oven. So a lot of it boils down to how the child was brought up.
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Originally Posted by kevlarsjal2
One thing I've often heard from men who never do any chores without being asked but are willing to help once things are pointed out, is that they just don't see the work that needs to be done. Just like a kid. My partner asked to have a clear "territory" over which he is responsible, that would make it easier. Like vacuuming or laundry. For us that works great.
Originally Posted by dandylion
I will say, that if a man is drunk and can't effecienty or willingly do a specific task....then I think that alcoholism comes into the situation---more than just lack of equity about household responsibilities.
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Originally Posted by ironwill
Growing up my mom made sure me and my two brothers knew how to cook and do chores around the house. So when we were out on our own, we knew more then how to throw a pizza in the oven. So a lot of it boils down to how the child was brought up.
Yeah, definitely. His mom is...a thread in herself lol. She's a very classic narcissistic alcoholic, and absolutely where he learned his habits from. She's very quick to complain and say people don't help. But from personal experience, if you do help, you are doing it wrong. Once on vacation I started doing the dishes after breakfast, she literally stood over my shoulder telling me I wasn't filling the sink right, wasn't scrubbing right, etc until she told me she would just do it. So I can absolutely understand where his hesitation to initiate any chores comes from. It gives me a bit of a complex too, because I want to explain and show him how I do things, but I don't want to come across as the same way.
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Cookie......does it occur to you that both of the people that you have trouble in the chore department with----both are drinkers? Maybe the drinking is the problem and not your own "unreasonablemenss"?
What do you think?
What do you think?
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Wait, how do you not fill the sink right. turn on water and add soap. start with glasses, then on to plates, last any pots and pans. Maybe you not scrubbing in a counter clockwise motion. Cause that will make all the difference. LOL
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Cookie......does it occur to you that both of the people that you have trouble in the chore department with----both are drinkers? Maybe the drinking is the problem and not your own "unreasonablemenss"?
What do you think?
What do you think?
Originally Posted by ironwill
Wait, how do you not fill the sink right. turn on water and add soap. start with glasses, then on to plates, last any pots and pans. Maybe you not scrubbing in a counter clockwise motion. Cause that will make all the difference. LOL
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Cookie......You knew of his housekeeping attitudes and aptitudes when you married him, right?
I think any couples therapist with tell you, that, when a couple starts to argue over the shoes in the middle of the floor or some such thing---that the REAL issue is something bigger or deeper---and, the arguments is over the "safer" issue to discuss----that the deeper issue is to scary to address, directly.
I think any couples therapist with tell you, that, when a couple starts to argue over the shoes in the middle of the floor or some such thing---that the REAL issue is something bigger or deeper---and, the arguments is over the "safer" issue to discuss----that the deeper issue is to scary to address, directly.
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My AH will do chores when sober on his own. He doesn't have much work, can't drive anyway, so he's home most days. He will pick up the puppy toys, vacuum, wipe down counters, and switch laundry loads. When he's drinking he just makes messes, things strewn everywhere, won't do much of anything even if asked.
Sometimes it's frustrating because I work away from home with a 3 hour round trip commute. If the house is still standing and everyone is in tact I usually just let it be. I might mutter a few "thoughts" under my breath though. Lol
Sometimes it's frustrating because I work away from home with a 3 hour round trip commute. If the house is still standing and everyone is in tact I usually just let it be. I might mutter a few "thoughts" under my breath though. Lol
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Cookie......You knew of his housekeeping attitudes and aptitudes when you married him, right?
I think any couples therapist with tell you, that, when a couple starts to argue over the shoes in the middle of the floor or some such thing---that the REAL issue is something bigger or deeper---and, the arguments is over the "safer" issue to discuss----that the deeper issue is to scary to address, directly.
I think any couples therapist with tell you, that, when a couple starts to argue over the shoes in the middle of the floor or some such thing---that the REAL issue is something bigger or deeper---and, the arguments is over the "safer" issue to discuss----that the deeper issue is to scary to address, directly.
Originally Posted by HopeUnending
My AH will do chores when sober on his own. He doesn't have much work, can't drive anyway, so he's home most days. He will pick up the puppy toys, vacuum, wipe down counters, and switch laundry loads. When he's drinking he just makes messes, things strewn everywhere, won't do much of anything even if asked.
Sometimes it's frustrating because I work away from home with a 3 hour round trip commute. If the house is still standing and everyone is in tact I usually just let it be. I might mutter a few "thoughts" under my breath though. Lol
Sometimes it's frustrating because I work away from home with a 3 hour round trip commute. If the house is still standing and everyone is in tact I usually just let it be. I might mutter a few "thoughts" under my breath though. Lol
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I'd have to say, that I think my AH has done less and less around the house as his alcoholism gets worse. I always try to just tell myself that these are things that I'd be doing even if he wasn't in the house. Yes, the toilets need cleaned more often, more trash is generated, carpet needs vacuuming more often, etc. It is sad but I think he has regressed in maturity. I think of him as an immature man child who plays stupid video games excessively and gets **** faced repeatedly. I don't bother asking him to do anything. I'm not his mother. I've had so many discussions and fights with him about it with no sort of improvement so I'm done talking about it. I also plan about 90% of the meals and do about 75-80% of the cooking too. It's complete ******** and unfair. Honestly though, I don't really want him cooking because he just doesn't have the ability to do it well anymore. If I want a good meal, I have to do it. And for the most part, I do enjoy cooking (I do get sick of it sometimes). Sorry, I went off on my own little rant. But does any of this sound familiar? I just think this stuff goes hand in hand with a functioning alcoholic as they get less functional.
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Originally Posted by flower959
ISorry, I went off on my own little rant. But does any of this sound familiar? I just think this stuff goes hand in hand with a functioning alcoholic as they get less functional.
During that time he did one load of laundry, and slept off whatever he'd had in the morning. Before bed he at least made it to the toilet to throw up, so hurray for that. It's disappointing. I would have liked to share that progress on our house with him more.
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