Involved with someone in recovery and struggling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 36
Involved with someone in recovery and struggling
Good morning. I have joined this forum as I feel my story will be understood and hopefully someone can help me.
Last year I met a lovely man through my friend. He was working at her house for 3 weeks and everytime we saw eachother we spoke and the attraction was instant. I plucked up the courage to add him on Facebook 3 months ago. We have been taking it very slowly but we have fallen for eachother massively. We've been limited on meeting up as I have young children and have only recently seperated from their dad. So I'm trying to keep the kids lives steady.
I had no idea about this mans past. But one night we sat and talked for hours. He told me about his depression that resulted from a long term chronic pain he has. He has no options left for the pain. It made him rely heavily on drink. Just 8 months ago he attempted suicide and spent weeks in hospital.
He works full time. He's on good money. He's not relapsed at all. He has so many wonderful qualities. He's spoilt me. He's made me laugh. He's talked to me about everything and we both realised we have similar wants for the future. I wanted a life with him. I felt he was perfect for me and I accepted some days are hard for him and always will be.
But since new year's it's been bumpy. He's stopped taking opiates last week under the drs advice. At the weekends he would take the full recommended dose and he would be off the planet all weekend and wake up really unhappy. He felt unwell when he woke up and felt overwhelmed, defensive, attacked. He got really upset one night when I called him and said some upsetting things. It was my first experience of his depression and I didn't recognise him. I felt sad and for a couple of days I didn't feel I wanted to carry on. But I forgave him as Christmas was a huge milestone for him and he found it hard. Everything was ok for two weeks. Then last weekend when he took the final dose of tablets he changed again. He went from sending me flowers on the Friday night to absolutely depressed and unhappy on the Saturday. By the Monday morning he was at work but miserable. All week hes struggled. He's been nice but just small talk. I've called him and we've talked several times. He's insisting we are good. We are fine. He loves me. We still have a future. nothings changed. He's been open and honest that he's poorly right now and feeling sad. A couple of times I've asked if perhaps now isn't the right time to be getting involved with me. He is always so hurt by that question.
Last night I messaged him as he had slept all day (common thing) at first it felt like a waste of time. But I said something and it triggered a spark back in him. We spent 3 hours talking last night on a phone call and I felt close to him again. He was feeling positive about the week ahead. He thanked me for the call. He told me I had made him feel amazing again. We talked about meeting for a walk this week.
He was supposed to be working at 7am this morning. I've not heard from him and he was online briefly an hour ago. But it seems he's turned his notifications off on Facebook which he's been doing since last weekend. So I can only presume he's not gone in. He always says good morning to me as soon as he opens his eyes.
Sat here thinking about everything. My heads telling me to walk away. My heart cares so much about him. I don't feel he has his life sorted enough. His sleeps a mess. He is useless with food. He earns good money and always works hard. His moods are allover the place. When he's down he won't be able to support me. He will hurt my feelings. Make me anxious. He will just ignore his phone. Turn it off.
I never ever pester him. I send him one message. But he says other people pester him and his phone never stops.
I would greatly appreciate some advice. There are alot of red flags I've not added as I don't want to make this message too long. But ask anything you need for more info. Thank you so much.
Last year I met a lovely man through my friend. He was working at her house for 3 weeks and everytime we saw eachother we spoke and the attraction was instant. I plucked up the courage to add him on Facebook 3 months ago. We have been taking it very slowly but we have fallen for eachother massively. We've been limited on meeting up as I have young children and have only recently seperated from their dad. So I'm trying to keep the kids lives steady.
I had no idea about this mans past. But one night we sat and talked for hours. He told me about his depression that resulted from a long term chronic pain he has. He has no options left for the pain. It made him rely heavily on drink. Just 8 months ago he attempted suicide and spent weeks in hospital.
He works full time. He's on good money. He's not relapsed at all. He has so many wonderful qualities. He's spoilt me. He's made me laugh. He's talked to me about everything and we both realised we have similar wants for the future. I wanted a life with him. I felt he was perfect for me and I accepted some days are hard for him and always will be.
But since new year's it's been bumpy. He's stopped taking opiates last week under the drs advice. At the weekends he would take the full recommended dose and he would be off the planet all weekend and wake up really unhappy. He felt unwell when he woke up and felt overwhelmed, defensive, attacked. He got really upset one night when I called him and said some upsetting things. It was my first experience of his depression and I didn't recognise him. I felt sad and for a couple of days I didn't feel I wanted to carry on. But I forgave him as Christmas was a huge milestone for him and he found it hard. Everything was ok for two weeks. Then last weekend when he took the final dose of tablets he changed again. He went from sending me flowers on the Friday night to absolutely depressed and unhappy on the Saturday. By the Monday morning he was at work but miserable. All week hes struggled. He's been nice but just small talk. I've called him and we've talked several times. He's insisting we are good. We are fine. He loves me. We still have a future. nothings changed. He's been open and honest that he's poorly right now and feeling sad. A couple of times I've asked if perhaps now isn't the right time to be getting involved with me. He is always so hurt by that question.
Last night I messaged him as he had slept all day (common thing) at first it felt like a waste of time. But I said something and it triggered a spark back in him. We spent 3 hours talking last night on a phone call and I felt close to him again. He was feeling positive about the week ahead. He thanked me for the call. He told me I had made him feel amazing again. We talked about meeting for a walk this week.
He was supposed to be working at 7am this morning. I've not heard from him and he was online briefly an hour ago. But it seems he's turned his notifications off on Facebook which he's been doing since last weekend. So I can only presume he's not gone in. He always says good morning to me as soon as he opens his eyes.
Sat here thinking about everything. My heads telling me to walk away. My heart cares so much about him. I don't feel he has his life sorted enough. His sleeps a mess. He is useless with food. He earns good money and always works hard. His moods are allover the place. When he's down he won't be able to support me. He will hurt my feelings. Make me anxious. He will just ignore his phone. Turn it off.
I never ever pester him. I send him one message. But he says other people pester him and his phone never stops.
I would greatly appreciate some advice. There are alot of red flags I've not added as I don't want to make this message too long. But ask anything you need for more info. Thank you so much.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, Popsy,
I think your head is telling you the right message. Have a read around this site and you might get some insight the way relationships with drinkers usually play out.
I recognise what you say about you spending three hours of your time sparking him back up. Urgh, I have done that. Many times over. It is utterly a waste of OUR time, the addict will continue on doing what they do.
I think your head is telling you the right message. Have a read around this site and you might get some insight the way relationships with drinkers usually play out.
I recognise what you say about you spending three hours of your time sparking him back up. Urgh, I have done that. Many times over. It is utterly a waste of OUR time, the addict will continue on doing what they do.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Popsy.....absolutely, do listen to your Head. Your native intelligence (Head) recognizes danger ahead and is trying to send you a message.
I think that most all of us, here, can recognize the feelings that come with early attraction to someone---the rose colored glasses and the chorus of a thousand angels in our head. That is pretty normal for the early part of a relationship. Most people in early "love:" do feel these intense emotions---and, we tend to fantasize that it will last forever, in just that way.
The reality of life, is, however, that the bonding hormones do settle down, after a while and the challenges of daily life come more into focus.
Let me tell you---the reality of chronic pain, depression, and the behaviors that accompany addiction can dry up the early bliss as fast as the dew dries up in the morning sun...lol. In fact, it sounds llike you may be experiencing some of that....and, your head is telling you so.
I implore you to protect your self and the welfare of your children. It will be up to you to do so---as you won't be able to count on him to do so. You will be carrying him as well as your self and your children. The burden will feel heavier and heavier as time goes on.
I think it would be smart of you to not ever move in with him or vice versa, As a woman who raised three children as a single mom---I found it very very important for the children to keep our "nest" a safe place for our little family. Moving a partner into the "nest" and having it go bad is very damaging to the children. It damages them even more than the adults, because they are still in the formative periods of their lives and they will carry these experiences into their adulthoods.
I hope that you will stay around this forum and take advantage of the support given by those who have already walked---or, are currently walking--in your same shoes. There is so much help and support and a wealth of information. There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.
I think that most all of us, here, can recognize the feelings that come with early attraction to someone---the rose colored glasses and the chorus of a thousand angels in our head. That is pretty normal for the early part of a relationship. Most people in early "love:" do feel these intense emotions---and, we tend to fantasize that it will last forever, in just that way.
The reality of life, is, however, that the bonding hormones do settle down, after a while and the challenges of daily life come more into focus.
Let me tell you---the reality of chronic pain, depression, and the behaviors that accompany addiction can dry up the early bliss as fast as the dew dries up in the morning sun...lol. In fact, it sounds llike you may be experiencing some of that....and, your head is telling you so.
I implore you to protect your self and the welfare of your children. It will be up to you to do so---as you won't be able to count on him to do so. You will be carrying him as well as your self and your children. The burden will feel heavier and heavier as time goes on.
I think it would be smart of you to not ever move in with him or vice versa, As a woman who raised three children as a single mom---I found it very very important for the children to keep our "nest" a safe place for our little family. Moving a partner into the "nest" and having it go bad is very damaging to the children. It damages them even more than the adults, because they are still in the formative periods of their lives and they will carry these experiences into their adulthoods.
I hope that you will stay around this forum and take advantage of the support given by those who have already walked---or, are currently walking--in your same shoes. There is so much help and support and a wealth of information. There is sooo much to learn. Knowledge is power.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Poppy, I think it would behoove you to examine your statement: "We have been taking it very slowly." You haven't. Nothing about this has been slow, though I understand in the heat of passion it can FEEL like it is. In the space of a few short months you have gotten deeply involved with him.
The challenge for you right now is to be able to remove the blinders and see him for where he actually IS in his life and his recovery, rather than where you both hope and wish that he was. He is not ready for a relationship. He is not ready to be involved with someone with small children who is fresh out of another relationship herself. That much is clear.
The challenge for you right now is to be able to remove the blinders and see him for where he actually IS in his life and his recovery, rather than where you both hope and wish that he was. He is not ready for a relationship. He is not ready to be involved with someone with small children who is fresh out of another relationship herself. That much is clear.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Popsy, this person is really seriously not well. You cannot help him, he and he alone has
a long road to recovery and if you stay with him you are in for lots of pain and anguish
and hurt. Why would you do this to yourself and your kids? This is why YOU need to dig deep and
be honest with yourself and understand why you
need all this drama in your life and why you feel you can save
someone so seriously ill. Counseling can help to understand these issues,
and how many times they start in our childhood.
You have small children that need your undivided attention
as their world has just been rocked by a recent separation from their dad.
They will not have that if you are
enmeshed in the dysfunction of this mans life. You and your kids deserve better.
a long road to recovery and if you stay with him you are in for lots of pain and anguish
and hurt. Why would you do this to yourself and your kids? This is why YOU need to dig deep and
be honest with yourself and understand why you
need all this drama in your life and why you feel you can save
someone so seriously ill. Counseling can help to understand these issues,
and how many times they start in our childhood.
You have small children that need your undivided attention
as their world has just been rocked by a recent separation from their dad.
They will not have that if you are
enmeshed in the dysfunction of this mans life. You and your kids deserve better.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Yikes. So many red flags here!
I’ll keep it short...you can’t fix him. And he already has one foot half in and the other foot mostly out of the relationship, which is probably partly why it feels so appealing to you. It’s an unfortunate reality of the human species that we always want what we can’t really have and with someone who’s in addiction, they’re never completely available because it will always come first.
His story doesn’t add up. I would suspect there’s more of an active addiction involved than what he’s told you.
Look, if it were just you, maybe you’d decide to spend the next five years being involved with an addict. It would be a roller coaster from hell, most likely...read some of other posts here. But you have young children. You’re still officially married. It’s ever-so romantic to think this rebound relationship would solve everything for both of you, but it’s a slow trainwreck in progress. Trust me, I’ve been there...but I didn’t have kids. And you do.
Run. Wish him well and move on, while you’ve only lost a few months to this. The longer it lasts the harder it will be to get out.
I’ll keep it short...you can’t fix him. And he already has one foot half in and the other foot mostly out of the relationship, which is probably partly why it feels so appealing to you. It’s an unfortunate reality of the human species that we always want what we can’t really have and with someone who’s in addiction, they’re never completely available because it will always come first.
His story doesn’t add up. I would suspect there’s more of an active addiction involved than what he’s told you.
Look, if it were just you, maybe you’d decide to spend the next five years being involved with an addict. It would be a roller coaster from hell, most likely...read some of other posts here. But you have young children. You’re still officially married. It’s ever-so romantic to think this rebound relationship would solve everything for both of you, but it’s a slow trainwreck in progress. Trust me, I’ve been there...but I didn’t have kids. And you do.
Run. Wish him well and move on, while you’ve only lost a few months to this. The longer it lasts the harder it will be to get out.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Dear Popsy, your fella is not in recovery at all. 
He might be struggling to stay off of booze and oxy, but he is not in recovery - nowhere near it. Being close to an addict (which he is) is very painful and takes us down a dark path. In order for an addict to change or even do better, they must embrace a life long recovery program involving a community of fellow addicts and perhaps a professional or two. It's a life long commitment and it involves so much more than simply struggling to not use.
He might be struggling to stay off of booze and oxy, but he is not in recovery - nowhere near it. Being close to an addict (which he is) is very painful and takes us down a dark path. In order for an addict to change or even do better, they must embrace a life long recovery program involving a community of fellow addicts and perhaps a professional or two. It's a life long commitment and it involves so much more than simply struggling to not use.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Hi popsy, sorry for what brings you here but glad you found us!
I can't really add a lot to all the wise information you have already been given. When you said:
You are absolutely spot on. He doesn't have his life sorted out, he is really in no place to be in a relationship right now. He is not in recovery and you don't mention if he is pursuing that at all? Rehab, AA meetings, therapy?
All of the things you have described are pretty much par for the course when you are involved with someone who is an alcoholic/addict. Not that they are all one and the same, they aren't, but the distancing (turning his messages/phone off), the uncertainty etc are pretty common.
Why? Because right now he is BARELY coping with his own life and troubles. He has no room emotionally or otherwise for you or anyone else, so he distances. That's a pretty normal human thing to do, however is this something you want in a partner? Probably not, especially since you have children.
Getting "sober" be that from pills or alcohol is not the same as being in recovery. Recovery encompasses taking life on life's terms, being honest and open. That is not what you would be getting.
Your head is right.
I am sorry, I know it hurts.
I can't really add a lot to all the wise information you have already been given. When you said:
Sat here thinking about everything. My heads telling me to walk away. My heart cares so much about him. I don't feel he has his life sorted enough. His sleeps a mess. He is useless with food. He earns good money and always works hard. His moods are allover the place. When he's down he won't be able to support me. He will hurt my feelings. Make me anxious. He will just ignore his phone. Turn it off.
All of the things you have described are pretty much par for the course when you are involved with someone who is an alcoholic/addict. Not that they are all one and the same, they aren't, but the distancing (turning his messages/phone off), the uncertainty etc are pretty common.
Why? Because right now he is BARELY coping with his own life and troubles. He has no room emotionally or otherwise for you or anyone else, so he distances. That's a pretty normal human thing to do, however is this something you want in a partner? Probably not, especially since you have children.
Getting "sober" be that from pills or alcohol is not the same as being in recovery. Recovery encompasses taking life on life's terms, being honest and open. That is not what you would be getting.
Your head is right.
I am sorry, I know it hurts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 36
Wow I came back on to update and I massively appreciate your replies.
I called him this afternoon to discuss seriously how he feels our lives would work together. He said he's fed up of me finding little scenarios and said so let's not have this conversation in done.
He's removed me from his Facebook and has accused me of being a liar and said he's hurt he got sucked into it and has lost all respect for me. I've defended myself but he's remained unkind and ignored my last messages.
I told my children's dad about him today. This is why I called him. He knows it took me a while to seperate as my ex didn't find it easy. But today he's saying I've not been honest about it and he's realised. Which is absolutely ridiculous and I have no clue where it's coming from.
I don't think he will be contacting me again. He threatened to block me (suddenly I'm that bad) yet he loved me last night.
I'm reading your replies now. Feeling sick and anxious and tired. Worried he may hurt himself and I've caused him struggle.
I'm so ashamed of myself and hope I feel better in a couple of days. I'm kind of relieved that I don't have to spend another weekend wondering when he will wake up and how he will be.
Any support will be greatly received over the next few days. Thank you.
I called him this afternoon to discuss seriously how he feels our lives would work together. He said he's fed up of me finding little scenarios and said so let's not have this conversation in done.
He's removed me from his Facebook and has accused me of being a liar and said he's hurt he got sucked into it and has lost all respect for me. I've defended myself but he's remained unkind and ignored my last messages.
I told my children's dad about him today. This is why I called him. He knows it took me a while to seperate as my ex didn't find it easy. But today he's saying I've not been honest about it and he's realised. Which is absolutely ridiculous and I have no clue where it's coming from.
I don't think he will be contacting me again. He threatened to block me (suddenly I'm that bad) yet he loved me last night.
I'm reading your replies now. Feeling sick and anxious and tired. Worried he may hurt himself and I've caused him struggle.
I'm so ashamed of myself and hope I feel better in a couple of days. I'm kind of relieved that I don't have to spend another weekend wondering when he will wake up and how he will be.
Any support will be greatly received over the next few days. Thank you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Popsy.....did you leave your husband for this guy? Or, am I confused? Even if you did, why are you dragging your husband into this situation?
If the boyfriend does cut off the relationship----in all honesty, I think you are dodging a bullet, because it sounds so very dysfunctional and I believe that you and the children will suffer.
I think it is time to put on your own oxygen mask, first.....
Maybe, go to alanon and start seeing a counselor of your own...just for you.
Also, I suggest that you read "Co-dependent No More". It is the most recommended book on this forum. It is easy to read and I think that you will find that a lot of it resonates with you.
We have hundreds of artiles in the stickies, just above the main threads. You will learn a lot by reading through them/
Also, if you go to the dark bar at the bottom of the main web page----the one that says "The best of Sober Recovery"...you will find some great articles!
If the boyfriend does cut off the relationship----in all honesty, I think you are dodging a bullet, because it sounds so very dysfunctional and I believe that you and the children will suffer.
I think it is time to put on your own oxygen mask, first.....
Maybe, go to alanon and start seeing a counselor of your own...just for you.
Also, I suggest that you read "Co-dependent No More". It is the most recommended book on this forum. It is easy to read and I think that you will find that a lot of it resonates with you.
We have hundreds of artiles in the stickies, just above the main threads. You will learn a lot by reading through them/
Also, if you go to the dark bar at the bottom of the main web page----the one that says "The best of Sober Recovery"...you will find some great articles!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 36
Just to add. He's six months sober. Not touched a drop. But he's been on and off with the pain killers.
He went back to work in October and he's not attending any meetings. I asked last week if there was help for his recent struggle. He said he's always done it himself but took all the help in hospital after the suicide attempt.
I'm ashamed of myself tonight and how blind I've been. I spent so many hours listening and caring for him and he's punishing me for also needing reassurance. It's really frustrating that he cant see that he gets to feel and say whatever and I just take it without picking on him. It definitely shows he's not in the place for a relationship.
He's deleted a couple of female friends from his Facebook recently too. One who used to really support him with his recovery milestones. He has no relationship with his dad or brother anymore. Hes in touch with one of his grown up kids. He gives her money. But the other is also no longer on his Facebook. Nobody saw him at christmas. He was alone. There's just so much stuff and I realise now I'm just the next person he's pushed away. I don't know how his ex has managed to remain friends with him but she's about the only one.
He went back to work in October and he's not attending any meetings. I asked last week if there was help for his recent struggle. He said he's always done it himself but took all the help in hospital after the suicide attempt.
I'm ashamed of myself tonight and how blind I've been. I spent so many hours listening and caring for him and he's punishing me for also needing reassurance. It's really frustrating that he cant see that he gets to feel and say whatever and I just take it without picking on him. It definitely shows he's not in the place for a relationship.
He's deleted a couple of female friends from his Facebook recently too. One who used to really support him with his recovery milestones. He has no relationship with his dad or brother anymore. Hes in touch with one of his grown up kids. He gives her money. But the other is also no longer on his Facebook. Nobody saw him at christmas. He was alone. There's just so much stuff and I realise now I'm just the next person he's pushed away. I don't know how his ex has managed to remain friends with him but she's about the only one.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Popsy.....did you leave your husband for this guy? Or, am I confused? Even if you did, why are you dragging your husband into this situation?
If the boyfriend does cut off the relationship----in all honesty, I think you are dodging a bullet, because it sounds so very dysfunctional and I believe that you and the children will suffer.
I think it is time to put on your own oxygen mask, first.....
Maybe, go to alanon and start seeing a counselor of your own...just for you.
Also, I suggest that you read "Co-dependent No More". It is the most recommended book on this forum. It is easy to read and I think that you will find that a lot of it resonates with you.
We have hundreds of artiles in the stickies, just above the main threads. You will learn a lot by reading through them/
Also, if you go to the dark bar at the bottom of the main web page----the one that says "The best of Sober Recovery"...you will find some great articles!
If the boyfriend does cut off the relationship----in all honesty, I think you are dodging a bullet, because it sounds so very dysfunctional and I believe that you and the children will suffer.
I think it is time to put on your own oxygen mask, first.....
Maybe, go to alanon and start seeing a counselor of your own...just for you.
Also, I suggest that you read "Co-dependent No More". It is the most recommended book on this forum. It is easy to read and I think that you will find that a lot of it resonates with you.
We have hundreds of artiles in the stickies, just above the main threads. You will learn a lot by reading through them/
Also, if you go to the dark bar at the bottom of the main web page----the one that says "The best of Sober Recovery"...you will find some great articles!
Hello I still live with him. We are good friends. We haven't been intimate for two years and naturally grew apart. It was sad and I told the new boyfriend everything. He knows exactly what the set up is. He's been absolutely fine with it. I told my ex out of respect and also so I could move forward and we could discuss the future more. Again new boyfriend knew all of this. It was after I asked him if he felt he really could handle a young family eventually he got mad. I've asked him a few times lately because I guess I already have the answer in my own gut. But I wanted him to tell me how he saw it. Loosing his temper over that just shows how little he understands the huge responsibility he was signing up for.
Like I say he works full time. He's got alot of personality. But his life is a mess emotionally. He's also got no savings and his house he's renting is coming to an end in four months. He's got no plan and said he'd have no where the day he has to leave in a jokey way. That also was red flagging me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Originally Posted by Popsy
I'm ashamed of myself tonight and how blind I've been. I spent so many hours listening and caring for him and he's punishing me for also needing reassurance. It's really frustrating that he cant see that he gets to feel and say whatever and I just take it without picking on him. It definitely shows he's not in the place for a relationship.
The hours spent listening to him are fine for him because as I said above, he can barely (and not really) deal with his own stuff, your stuff is irrelevant because of that (including your children, housing, taking care of anything that is not him).
Although he may only be using pills occasionally, he is not "sober" he is absolutely not in recovery, no where near it.
He's deleted a couple of female friends from his Facebook recently too. One who used to really support him with his recovery milestones. He has no relationship with his dad or brother anymore. Hes in touch with one of his grown up kids. He gives her money. But the other is also no longer on his Facebook. Nobody saw him at christmas. He was alone. There's just so much stuff and I realise now I'm just the next person he's pushed away. I don't know how his ex has managed to remain friends with him but she's about the only one.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 36
Very true. Thinking about all the other people he's pushed away. It was never him. His dad's this. His brothers that. The girl he slept with after his ex is a weirdo. It was his ex that started doing things without him and she apparently struggled with his depression. Seems he blames everyone else.
I'm realising alot tonight. I hope he's ok but I am so selfishly relieved. I believe now he would never have been capable of helping me through anything big in my life.
When you say he's not in recovery? Can you explain please? Is 6 months drink free not recovery? I have no idea what is classed as recovery.
I'm realising alot tonight. I hope he's ok but I am so selfishly relieved. I believe now he would never have been capable of helping me through anything big in my life.
When you say he's not in recovery? Can you explain please? Is 6 months drink free not recovery? I have no idea what is classed as recovery.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by dandylion
I suggest that you read "Co-dependent No More". It is the most recommended book on this forum. It is easy to read and I think that you will find that a lot of it resonates with you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
Originally Posted by Popsy
When you say he's not in recovery? Can you explain please? Is 6 months drink free not recovery? I have no idea what is classed as recovery.
But anyway, with addiction, whether psychological or physical or both, you have an overwhelming desire to consume said drug(s). If you quit one drug and replace it with another, that's just more of the same. The pills he's taking are drugs, but so is alcohol, of course.
So he's just switched his drug of choice, for now.
So that's the first part, to be sober you need to be actually sober - no drugs.
Then there is recovery. That means different things to different people. Some people may have underlying mental issues that they need to deal with, fears, anxiety, other mental issues, which may have driven them to self medicate with alcohol/other drugs in the first place. Some people may have just liked to drink all the time and found themselves stepping over that line of addiction.
In all cases, true recovery means setting drugs aside and handling the world sober. Most people in recovery need help with this. For instance if every time you were feeling sad or happy or uncomfortable or relaxed you had 2 big glasses of wine, how do you build up your coping mechanisms for life? How is your decision making? Tools we all learn - sober - as we go along.
So I don't know your ex, of course and I don't know why he is an addict, but all of that needs to be dealt with. He will always be an addict btw, there is no going back, once you are an alcoholic there is no "cure" except to never drink again.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
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Thank you. I shall read up on that.
The opiates were prescribed to take one every 12 hours. All I know is he'd take the two at the weekend but only one in the week. I think he perhaps didn't do it properly. I remember when I first met him he ran out for two weeks. But I could see a pattern when he took them and is moods.
He would sleep days away and never have any plans if he was home. I often thought why doesn't he still get up and do bits at home. Be awake with the rest of the world. I just accepted it but now I realise he perhaps needs further support. He won't sleep upstairs for example because that's when he was ill.
I am finding it hard not knowing if he's alright. But I know I have to let that go.
Thanks for everyones knowledge. I'm honestly so clueless and had no idea what I was getting mixed up in. It felt like we had this amazing connection and yet he's turned so easily.
The opiates were prescribed to take one every 12 hours. All I know is he'd take the two at the weekend but only one in the week. I think he perhaps didn't do it properly. I remember when I first met him he ran out for two weeks. But I could see a pattern when he took them and is moods.
He would sleep days away and never have any plans if he was home. I often thought why doesn't he still get up and do bits at home. Be awake with the rest of the world. I just accepted it but now I realise he perhaps needs further support. He won't sleep upstairs for example because that's when he was ill.
I am finding it hard not knowing if he's alright. But I know I have to let that go.
Thanks for everyones knowledge. I'm honestly so clueless and had no idea what I was getting mixed up in. It felt like we had this amazing connection and yet he's turned so easily.
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