esmith

I’ll try and make this as short as possible. I dated him for almost 3 years, he was in active addiction the entire time pretty much. I supported him so much, did everything for him, loved him with everything in me. I was close to his family too. He overdosed twice. Both times if I wasn’t there, he wouldn’t be alive today. He was very secretive about his addiction and it would drive me crazy because I’d always know when he was high, but he would deny it. He finally went to another state to get help after his second OD.

I answered every call from the rehab from him, supported him so much, gave him my all. Once he was out of detox and PHP, he went to IOP. I noticed him distancing and suspected he was cheating on me. I confronted him and he never responded. I went basically crazy and felt horrible. Found out he was ignoring me through his mom (she said she had spoke to him.) He finally responded and said he was in a controlled environment and my accusations were harsh. I know now that my accusations were true. He lead me to break up with him a little over a month ago over text. He wouldn’t answer a single phone call, nothing. He disappeared and wouldn’t respond. I’m still heartbroken. I just found out a few nights ago he has a new girlfriend and is staying in the new state at a halfway house and will never be returning home.

is this something common that recovering addicts do? I cant help to feel a little bit of bitterness. After desperately wanting a future with him where he is sober, he’s now giving that to someone new and living this lavish life by the beach in rehab. It just feels unfair. And he didn’t even have the courage to apologize to me for his actions, and I know that is a step in the 12 steps program. I may also note that this new woman is someone he’s only had since the beginning of December, since the detox and PHP programs he was locked in a building 24/7.

Bella1973

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. All I can speak to is years ago when my ex finally found recovery we separated because he changed. All the sudden he found that I reminded him to much of his active addiction (even though I never used and drank with him) and he had more in common with other recovering alcoholic women. We tried a few more times but eventually divorced. I hope things can get better for you and maybe you'll find this as a blessing in disguise.

Mashabo

Hi, esmith. I’m sorry for your pain! I can feel you, reading your thread I saw myself. Giving it all, loving, caring and then being changed for someone else... I can’t tell you how normal it is, I don’t think anything is “normal” when it comes to addicts. My STBXH went to rehab in Feb, started distancing himself around May, I also started suspecting he had someone. And rehab itself was treating me weirdly. In August he came to finish things with me and tell me he needs to divorce me because he needs to be alone and that with me he can start using again (what?). He Cried, told me how much he loves me and then after I found out he is in relationship with his own psychologist from the rehab (wouldn’t call that normal at all). He hides that relationship of course, and it just all looks crazy.

I’ve got lots of support here. And I know you will too! The only thing we all need to do in these situations is to focus on us. I know it’s so damn hard, but we gotta do what we gotta do.

I know it’s all fresh now, and you are hurting a lot. It does feel very unfair, I get you!!! But please be kind to yourself. You are a strong, kind, loving person who gave it all! He is the one who looses here - not you!

sevenofnine

My xah went so far as to change his name when getting sober. And honestly, I think he was probably more successful with sobriety being away from me and the familiar patterns. Maybe your ex is feeling like he has to create his own path away.
But I think the more important thing is to look at yourself. Why do you want him back? What do you feel you are missing that having him back would provide? Maybe there is a way to get that for yourself without involving him, because it sounds like he has already made that decision for you. You can't make a person love you or want to be with you. (And as previously said, that may be a blessing!)
I can say from my own experience that moving on was awesome, and now with the benefit of hindsight and experience in a healthy relationship, I cannot imagine anymore how I thought I wanted my ex to be clean and be with me.
Instead of focusing on him not being with you, focus on being there for yourself, taking care of your own needs, and building healthy relationships with people who bring you in a positive direction.
He is giving you a chance to get away; take it. I promise the pain (though traumatic--maybe get professional help?) will be something you can come out the other side of, and you can emerge stronger and healthier.