happydazes

New user here! I've briefly mentioned this to my therapist with setting boundaries boundaries and solo have been working on healing and bettering myself, but I thought some insight here would also be helpful!

Background Info: To make this as short as possible, we were in a long distance relationship and met six months into his current/first rehab program. We became best friends very quickly. Due to the pandemic, I was only able to see him a couple times since he lives five hours away. We dated for 2 weeks in Summer but broke up due to distance, only to have him in October come back because he realized the "distance didn't matter as long as we were together". So, we started dating again.

December was an extremely hard month. His and I's mental health were going down the drain; he couldn't see his family or me for the holidays, it was his first year sober for the holidays, he had the worst sleeping schedule or didn't sleep at all, and he lost another job. Because of this, his Bipolar Disorder was worsening (not sure which type). By the end of December, he told me his therapist was NOT happy when he finally told them he was in a relationship, and they told him he needed to do what's best for him. This was at least days before our breakup.

Then came the breakup call, which I had to insinuate since he was running from it. My gut had been saying this would happen for a week,

The Breakup: Due to the state of his mental health, he told me he hated himself and felt like he couldn't love someone else in his current mindset, and I understood that he needs time to focus on recovery, like he said, with his mental health this bad. I asked him if he thought maybe we would get back together sometime in the future, but he said he couldn't promise what the future holds and told me not to wait on him. 100% understandable and I know that's the healthiest thing for both of us (although I feel I'll end up subconsciously waiting on him whether I try to or not, just like the first time). Throughout the breakup call, we went from being emotional/sad about what was happening to making jokes and laughing; we were acting like everything was normal. We said "I love you" many times throughout the convo before ending the call so he could process, cry, and be alone.

We had been together with no issues or arguments for 2 months straight, and his one year sober is in a few days.

Current Situation: He told me he still wanted to be friends but that he wouldn't be contacting me as much, so I decided to not contact him but let him text me first whenever. However, we're still in contact every day-- including the day we broke up! He still sent me a happy new year text, randomly texted me another night at 3am when he couldn't sleep/was going through something (which ended up in us texting for a couple hours), and the day after that he started another convo (he also was making some non-platonic innuendos/jokes in that convo). Some people told me it's selfish of him to be contacting me this much, especially when he's usually upset/low when he contacts me. To me, it's just confusing.

Today he texted me a couple times and when I didn't respond for a few hours, he then FaceTimed me. It caught me off guard, but he was concerned and wanted to make sure I was okay. The 15min call was sweet and I appreciated it, but it still leaves me confused and conflicted on where we stand together.

Is this daily (usually brief, but not always brief) contact not a good thing for us to heal? Or is it normal to still be in contact and being "somewhat friends" immediately after such an amicable breakup?

As much as I care, love, and want to support him as much as I can, I feel like I'm receiving mixed messages or might be too accessible to him. The communication gives me hope that we might reconcile one day if we keep up with our communication, but I don't want to be too hopeful about the future and get my heart broken. I know there's still love and a longing for one another (especially since the breakup is new), but I just feel like he's conflicted with everything going on which is blurring the lines of whatever we have.

trailmix

hi happydazes!

Well, you are absolutely right in what you are thinking, in my opinion. I totally understand why you two would want to remain friends, it's not like you dislike each other or anything, just the timing is way off.

Yes, it is unusual to go straight from a romantic relationship to friendship, not because you can't be friends with an ex romantic partner but because you really need some separation in between, to douse those romantic feelings and get perspective. Then you can approach the relationship in a different light. Not everyone can do that. So how long of a separation? As long as it takes - 6 months, a year, maybe longer. In the meantime you need to actively work on separating yourself from him.

Yes, you are receiving mixed messages, but again, it's not that he dislikes you or doesn't care about you, it's just that it's all to much for him right now and he needs to focus on his sobriety. A good guideline is about a year of sobriety before entering in to a relationship. This is for a number of reasons. So the person with the addiction has time to focus on their recovery and get a firm footing and work through problems. So they are not distracted from that. So they don't have the pressure of a relationship which could trigger them to use.

So, perhaps he is being very wise.

To truly separate though you will need to stop being in contact every day, you know? In fact a period of no contact, a month or two at least would probably be good.

You need to make the decision about whether you want to wait around and see how he gets on (although he said, don't wait for him) or you move away from this relationship and focus on yourself and what you want.

You might find the posts in the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum relatable too:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

sevenofnine

Is it healthy?
I feel like you know the answer here.
Are you getting any benefit from this circumstance? It sounds like it is just a chance for him to inject drama into your own recovery (getting over a relationship where addiction dynamics dominated is for sure something you need to recover from yourself!).
I see what he gets- a shoulder to cry on, someone to be there for him in the middle of the night, a potential romantic partner he has waiting for him on hold.
Is this benefitting you? Or is it keeping you entangled in unhealthy drama? Is it helping you build your own healthy future? Even if you want to be there for him, you won't be helping if your relationship dynamic remains the same because HE needs to build his own healthy future. Remaining entangled may just keep both of you chained to old ways of coping.

Ann

Both replies above are very good perspectives and suggestions. Your post is mostly about him and what he wants and I think it's time for you to take better care of yourself. Your life should not depend on his next move. I know this is very hard and probably not what you wanted to hear, but there is nothing in this relationship that is all about you. Calls at 3 am to see how "you" are don't count, it's an excuse to satisfy his own need to talk to someone or reinforce his hold.

This would be a good time to take some space just for you. No contact is a hard way to go but it is the only way that works for some who are so engrossed in the relationship that it has become their whole life. Take space, take time to heal, take time for your own recovery and to learn what keeps you hanging on to a relationship that is so hard on you.

Welcome to SR, I am glad you found us. Whatever you choose, we are here to walk with you.