Angelicinquest

I left him a while ago, tried to be civil etc over the years, a few lapses where we got back together but I'm finally no contact and have been for months. There's a huge back story I may post about when I have the energy but my immediate concern is that he's now started sexually texting my sister and one of my ex friends that has thrived on my humiliation and has told everyone about it. He has been saying he's always wanted them and not me, sending pictures of his manhood and degrading me, talking about our sex life and instead of coming to me my sister told me in front of my entire family and showed everyone the messages and the ex friend also told everyone that would listen before telling me. Am I crazy? Why do people hate me so much and want to hurt me so badly. I worry who else he will message I have a little boy and my old phone he was using has loads of his friends parents contacts in it. I don't want us to look like idiots at the school gates as he's gone that far to humiliate me. He's doing this as I have gone no contact, I don't hide his secrets anymore I tell people what he does and his family are kept informed of all of the crazy **** he does to me.

trailmix

You know, some people in our lives can be toxic to us, even though the relationship, technically, shouldn't be. I would ask your Sister what her intent was. As for the ex friend, well I assume that is why she is "ex".

You have no control over these people who obviously have a mean streak. I wouldn't take it personally though, this really says nothing about you but speaks volumes about them. I would ask your Sister not to broadcast such things anymore and if she could just share it with you, privately, instead. I have to wonder why she hasn't blocked him.

When you say his family are kept informed, do you mean you tell them? If so, he may be retaliating. While I 100% agree that his secrets are not your secrets, I wouldn't be spreading the information around. While you might want to talk about it with a trusted family member or friend, if you are just making sure everyone knows what he is up to, that's kind of a different kettle of fish.

Going no contact means separating yourself from his life, that includes his family and friends as well. Really no need to bring them in to any of this unless it is absolutely necessary?

Angelicinquest

I never used to tell them anything but had to as things escalated and they where unaware of what had been going on. But for example his dad dropped him off here to collect something when I asked him not to bring him around anymore. He was banging on my door and shouting through the letter box for what seemed like an eternity even after I asked him what he wanted and I would get it, but he said I wouldn't know what it looked like etc. I let him in as it was one thing, he was upsetting the neighbours again and I just wanted him in and out. when he was in he hit me and started spouting the same things he always does about it being my fault etc. So I told his family what happened to let them know the reason I don't want them to bring him here. I told them about the messages he's been sending because he tells them everything is my fault, they all think I'm the one with the problem. I wanted them to know what he's actually like, as they live quite far away and only hear his side as I never really talked to them much as he isolated me from everyone. I have a child and they supervise his contact so I am now kind of in contact with them every week to arrange etc so if he does something awful, like show up to my house drunk and fall asleep in my garden, I let them know, should I not?As for my ex friend I think he deliberately did this as he knows how much she would have revveled in the situation. My sister has always been jealous of me, I don't know why as she's beautiful and has a great career and freedom whereas I'm frumpy, ugly and ill with stress. I think it's a childhood issues, my mum is also an alcoholic and has always played us off against each other.

trailmix

Right, I see where you are coming from. Yes, obviously you and your Sister have issues and yes, likely it is from your upbringing. Unfortunately you can't do much about that if she is unwilling to change. You may want to spend as little time with her as possible though?

As for him, since he hit you, did you apply or think of applying for a restraining order? Does he have to pass a breathalyzer before visitation with your child? I'm guessing you will never let him in to your place again now? If he comes beating on the door or falls asleep in your garden, I strongly recommend you just call the police, he has no right to demand entry to your home or to sleep in your yard! You and your child deserved to feel safe and secure in your home.

This will also give you a record of his behaviour should you need to file a restraining order or have your custody arrangement changed.

As for the parents, personally, I wouldn't bother sharing more than you absolutely have to, it really serves no purpose. If they don't know by now what their Son is like, based on what they have seen and what you have told them, then they are just being defensive and are in denial and you can't change that, it will just cause you more stress.

What is your support like, do you attend Al Anon or a single parent's group? Have you considered therapy to perhaps give you tools to deal with this very dysfunctional group? Also, you seem to have very low self esteem right now? That is also something a therapist can help you with.

Angelicinquest

I didn't, because it is the first time he has ever hit me and I knew it would never happen again as I wouldn't allow him into my home or be around him or have contact with him, I knew this before he hit me as is why I was reluctant to allow him in or even see him but that reaffirmed it. I have definately thought about a restraining order but its been a month since the incident he showed up and hasn't since, if he comes again I will ring the police as I have noted down everything and all the times I've told him not to come, the hitting etc. So will be better prepared. Funny thing is his mum is also an alcoholic and his dad is a recovered alcoholic.. So that's why this is just so normal to them, I think they are kind of seeing the extent of the problem now I'm telling them more and more, it's not even normal to them the more I tell them. I don't breathalyse as its not a formal arrangement. I did cut contact completely but the effect that had on my child was immense, he cried every night and was so heartbroken. He is a crazy alcoholic but to my son, he is just his dad and for the most part I've shielded him from the dysfunction, but probably not as much as I'd like to think. This is last chance saloon, as he knows one slip up and it's over he will go through court which I also have logged all of the conversations around this arrangement so when/if it does fall through I have the evidence. His grandpa and his auntie who also lives there and has no alcohol issues must always be there to supervise. I have no support at all, I have joined Al Anon today and will go to groups as soon as lock down is eased. He really ruined my friendships and relationships and I have no one. I am thinking he did this to my sister as she was the only remaining person that I had in life, and he knew the ex friend would make damn sure how **** my life is to everyone as I am really good at pretending me and my son have the perfect life. I would have if it wasn't for all of the disfunction and addiction around me, and I realise that.

Angelicinquest

I realise that I'm drip feeding, but there's SO much and I really didn't have the energy to go into it all at once. My lack of paragraphs is also shocking 😂

trailmix

Oh don't worry about that at all, we all know this can be quite overwhelming.

I am so glad you are documenting everything as you may well need this information if you do decide to go to a formal custody agreement.

No you're not crazy by the way, but you are surrounded by people that do not have you or your Son's best interests at heart. Not your family or his and certainly not him. Distancing yourself from all these people may be the key here. You do need support and none of these people fit the bill.

Al anon offers online meetings as well and I hope you will join them. Also there may be single parents groups you can join online as well. Reach out for support (here too of course) and get all the help you need. It's tough going for sure.

Other than arranging visitation, you shouldn't have to have any contact with his family? What about your family, are those relationships that are good for you in any way? Is it possible you need to separate yourself from all these people? Perhaps you can arrange visitation via email only, so you don't have to have a conversation with them, also maybe cut down seeing your family for really special occasions only?

You don't owe any of these people anything you know and if they are not treating your with respect and kindness, why would you choose to be around them. The more distance you get the clearer that will be (and the better you will feel about yourself too).

Angelicinquest

Thank you for replying to me, you helped me a lot and you probably don't even realise it.

trailmix

Hi Angelic, I hope you will keep posting, there is a lot of support here for you.

thequest

As noted his secrets are not your secrets. He's trying to manage/manipulate you into doing that because that's how he controls his image. In the end I think people see the real deal especially he hasn't moved on from old behaviors. And yes they will try to find allies with in the family or peer group. And will strike first with a pre-emptive narrative.

I have alcoholic family similar to that and actually give 'instructions' of what to say or not say among family or friends. I got a lecture because I had a brief casual conversation with a friend he hadn't seen in over a decade. Long story short this friend was also friends with friends of his ex who he insists woke up one day and simply tossed him out-LOL. His friends and family see right through that crap. He gets a limited number of invites around the holidays and he and his gf never hosted squat yet his peer groups have done the entire gambit got married, a house, had kids, grandkids and hosted informal and formal events etc ie real responsibility which he has yet to show as a half century old man, same for his enabling gf.

I will say if he's gone so far as to present sexually explicit material I think he knows no bounds so always be aware of your safety and his demeanor. It's already extremely reactionary and his perception of the relationship has become HIS obsession.

STAY SAFE