Need advise, did I do the right thing?
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Need advise, did I do the right thing?
When my husband left rehab for the second time and went back to his moms house, I had met with the intake coordinator and told her I was thinking about canceling his health insurance that I carry through my employer. She said that was up to me but if he had it and he wanted to go back into recovery he would have more options. Albeit if he came back to our state he could get back into the same program with or without. She advised that would not be enabling but it was up to me.
I did cancel his insurance. He does take meds for nerve damage and Wellbutrin. Does not see a doctor, no meetings, no followup, nothing when he is ever discharged. Goes back to drinking. He’s been out two weeks and of course he’s drinking again.
He won’t know about the insurance until the first of December when he tries to refill. Of course he’s going to be livid. I don’t want to help him anymore though. I don’t want to give him money, I don’t want to pay for his meds, nothing. I do feel like I was mean, but I think only because I’m operating still in the “he’s going to be angry” mode.
We have separated four times in the morning past the three years. Always because of his episodes and always he flees back to moms living in her basement and drinks. Just drinks. I don’t want to be responsible for him anymore. I want him sober and able to take care of his own life. If we are in that position I don’t mind helping with insurance etc but he literally is worthless in regards to sustaining himself. No job, no money, his back hurts (and it probably does), but he refused to tell the doctor he’s an alcoholic and drug addict so what’s the use? He’s depressed and everyone does him wrong. Ugh! Is it wrong? He’s not a baby, not disabled (although he’s trying for that for benefits). I am not his mother!
side note: he’s drinking yes and of course he starts texting me last night about how much he loves me blah blah blah. I see clearly the cycle! I literally see it fir the first time. When I went to bed last night I did not cry myself to sleep because I know what he’s doing. Yes I do believe he loves me deep down, under the depths of vodka where the real person lives, I believe he loves me. But he loves so much more swimming in the vodka.
I did cancel his insurance. He does take meds for nerve damage and Wellbutrin. Does not see a doctor, no meetings, no followup, nothing when he is ever discharged. Goes back to drinking. He’s been out two weeks and of course he’s drinking again.
He won’t know about the insurance until the first of December when he tries to refill. Of course he’s going to be livid. I don’t want to help him anymore though. I don’t want to give him money, I don’t want to pay for his meds, nothing. I do feel like I was mean, but I think only because I’m operating still in the “he’s going to be angry” mode.
We have separated four times in the morning past the three years. Always because of his episodes and always he flees back to moms living in her basement and drinks. Just drinks. I don’t want to be responsible for him anymore. I want him sober and able to take care of his own life. If we are in that position I don’t mind helping with insurance etc but he literally is worthless in regards to sustaining himself. No job, no money, his back hurts (and it probably does), but he refused to tell the doctor he’s an alcoholic and drug addict so what’s the use? He’s depressed and everyone does him wrong. Ugh! Is it wrong? He’s not a baby, not disabled (although he’s trying for that for benefits). I am not his mother!
side note: he’s drinking yes and of course he starts texting me last night about how much he loves me blah blah blah. I see clearly the cycle! I literally see it fir the first time. When I went to bed last night I did not cry myself to sleep because I know what he’s doing. Yes I do believe he loves me deep down, under the depths of vodka where the real person lives, I believe he loves me. But he loves so much more swimming in the vodka.
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In my opinion, yes you're doing the right thing.
He's not helpless. His dependency on others is learned and can be unlearned. But not if it never has to be.
My only caveat for this is that if it were me, I would let him know in advance instead of letting him be surprised. It provides him an opportunity to figure something else out. It doesn't sound likely that he will rise to that challenge, but you are wise to divest yourself of his dependency. You will have to deal with his being angry either way. Just keep yourself safe and remember not to JADE -- Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. It's your insurance, and you have every right to do with it what you want.
He's not helpless. His dependency on others is learned and can be unlearned. But not if it never has to be.
My only caveat for this is that if it were me, I would let him know in advance instead of letting him be surprised. It provides him an opportunity to figure something else out. It doesn't sound likely that he will rise to that challenge, but you are wise to divest yourself of his dependency. You will have to deal with his being angry either way. Just keep yourself safe and remember not to JADE -- Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. It's your insurance, and you have every right to do with it what you want.
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Well, I'm no expert, but the gist of it is this: we tend to be consensus builders. We want "our side" heard and validated by the people we care about. It's a trait that serves us well in healthy relationships. Debate is good, it can help people learn from other and empathize, to shift perspectives and allow for growth.
In an unhealthy relationship, however, consensus-building is usually useless (because at least one person in the relationship is not actually interested in building consensus or growing or learning, but rather in 'winning' the argument) and often harmful. Getting into a debate with your husband about the insurance at all merely validates that it is worthy of debate. Regardless of what he says, YOU must maintain your belief that you have the right to do whatever you want with your insurance. You cannot go into hoping that he will concede the point. You cannot go into hoping to assuage his anger about it. You must simply find a way to let it be what it is, no matter how he feels about it. His feelings must remain his responsibility.
Which doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have complicated or negative feelings about it as well. Only you mustn't look to him to help you deal with it.
In an unhealthy relationship, however, consensus-building is usually useless (because at least one person in the relationship is not actually interested in building consensus or growing or learning, but rather in 'winning' the argument) and often harmful. Getting into a debate with your husband about the insurance at all merely validates that it is worthy of debate. Regardless of what he says, YOU must maintain your belief that you have the right to do whatever you want with your insurance. You cannot go into hoping that he will concede the point. You cannot go into hoping to assuage his anger about it. You must simply find a way to let it be what it is, no matter how he feels about it. His feelings must remain his responsibility.
Which doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have complicated or negative feelings about it as well. Only you mustn't look to him to help you deal with it.
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Peace......I think that SparkleKitty gives an excellent explanation for JADE.
I will add a few more details for your understanding.
J--justify
A--argue
D--defend
E--explain
Choosing not to JADE is for your benefit. It can buy you some peace and distance. It can be a part of establishing some healthy boundaries for your self. It keeps you from getting sucked into the, often, stupid irrational, crap that the alcoholics will fling our way. Arguments and positions that are simply futile, unwinnable, dead end, or destructive. It can save us the emotional upset and exhaustion and helplessness of engaging in such situations. I think of it as just "dropping our end of the rope" in such tug of war conflicts.
I will add a few more details for your understanding.
J--justify
A--argue
D--defend
E--explain
Choosing not to JADE is for your benefit. It can buy you some peace and distance. It can be a part of establishing some healthy boundaries for your self. It keeps you from getting sucked into the, often, stupid irrational, crap that the alcoholics will fling our way. Arguments and positions that are simply futile, unwinnable, dead end, or destructive. It can save us the emotional upset and exhaustion and helplessness of engaging in such situations. I think of it as just "dropping our end of the rope" in such tug of war conflicts.
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Posts: 774
Given that he has only done the bare minimum regarding recovery and has a history of declining to engage with the aftercare opportunities made available to him, my perspective as a recovering alcoholic is that you are doing the right thing.
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Originally Posted by sortofhomecomin 
Given that he has only done the bare minimum regarding recovery and has a history of declining to engage with the aftercare opportunities made available to him, my perspective as a recovering alcoholic is that you are doing the right thing.
I did tell him and he said nothing. So he does know. I did not want to debate with him, I’m trying to make sure I guess I wasn’t be unfair. Stupid I know. Thank you!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Peace......I think that SparkleKitty gives an excellent explanation for JADE.
I will add a few more details for your understanding.
J--justify
A--argue
D--defend
E--explain
Choosing not to JADE is for your benefit. It can buy you some peace and distance. It can be a part of establishing some healthy boundaries for your self. It keeps you from getting sucked into the, often, stupid irrational, crap that the alcoholics will fling our way. Arguments and positions that are simply futile, unwinnable, dead end, or destructive. It can save us the emotional upset and exhaustion and helplessness of engaging in such situations. I think of it as just "dropping our end of the rope" in such tug of war conflicts.
I will add a few more details for your understanding.
J--justify
A--argue
D--defend
E--explain
Choosing not to JADE is for your benefit. It can buy you some peace and distance. It can be a part of establishing some healthy boundaries for your self. It keeps you from getting sucked into the, often, stupid irrational, crap that the alcoholics will fling our way. Arguments and positions that are simply futile, unwinnable, dead end, or destructive. It can save us the emotional upset and exhaustion and helplessness of engaging in such situations. I think of it as just "dropping our end of the rope" in such tug of war conflicts.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
SK's and dandylion's descriptions of JADE are great! I wish these snippets could be posted to the stickies.
Yes, that's why it's so handy, you can find yourself getting in to these long conversations/debates/arguments about such nothing - things! Saying to yourself, hang on, why am I even doing this? is so helpful, it also helps you maintain your sanity in some of the madness that can ensue.
Yes, that's why it's so handy, you can find yourself getting in to these long conversations/debates/arguments about such nothing - things! Saying to yourself, hang on, why am I even doing this? is so helpful, it also helps you maintain your sanity in some of the madness that can ensue.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Peace-----the whole hostage situation must have been a very traumatic event for all around. I can see why you have decided to disengage.
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Peace4today.......I don't know if anyone has said this to you, before.....but, I suggest that you consider getting some therapy from a therapist who specializes in trauma----not a generalist---a Specialist.
That is too much trauma for you to try to process by yourself. You deserve to give yourself this much!
That is too much trauma for you to try to process by yourself. You deserve to give yourself this much!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Peace4today.......I don't know if anyone has said this to you, before.....but, I suggest that you consider getting some therapy from a therapist who specializes in trauma----not a generalist---a Specialist.
That is too much trauma for you to try to process by yourself. You deserve to give yourself this much!
That is too much trauma for you to try to process by yourself. You deserve to give yourself this much!
Thank you for that reminder though because I know I need some self care myself.
I’m glad that I found this forum, it does help me reading about others and knowing that I am not the only one that has traveled through hell and are trying to recover too.
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As noted above do not let it turn into a debate period. They always will try to bully their way to win the debate. Their focus will not be on THE issue.
And it's not like they haven't had any chances and are showing little initiatve and motivation on their own. I've seen parents, spouses and employers footing the bill for rehab and other alcoholic/addict 'expenses' which should've been a consequence for them only. Sounds like a money pit let alone not your problem to finance/deal with.
I'd warn him and if he gets angry and argues simply end the conversation with you've been warned, given notice etc and hopefully he'll take it upon himself or tell/ask someone in the rehab community for help.
And it's not like they haven't had any chances and are showing little initiatve and motivation on their own. I've seen parents, spouses and employers footing the bill for rehab and other alcoholic/addict 'expenses' which should've been a consequence for them only. Sounds like a money pit let alone not your problem to finance/deal with.
I'd warn him and if he gets angry and argues simply end the conversation with you've been warned, given notice etc and hopefully he'll take it upon himself or tell/ask someone in the rehab community for help.
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