InfraredRoses

Hello all, I am really upset and need advice on whether this is just his character or because he is newly sober? This guy I friended on Facebook became a very good friend of mine. We talked everyday, whether it was through messenger, his posts, mine, or the group's post we originally met in. We realized we had more in common than we thought, so we got along very well. He use to be a stand up comedian, so he posted funny videos of himself almost everyday because he worked from home due to the pandemic, and he was trying to keep things positive. We had such fun conversing! He was always respectful towards me, never out of line, and very kind. He would say I am an "angel", an "inspiration", and he complimented my looks, and how beautiful I am, but it was normal. Even when I commented on his posts he would overlook everyone else that commented and go straight to my comment and start replying back to me. He seemed to have liked me, and I liked him, so we formed a friendship. My friends even said "From an outsiders view it seems you both knew each other for years and are very close. I would never think this is a person you never met. You both have strong chemistry and it's known." We did! I loved how respectful and funny he was. I learned he was an alcoholic because he hasn't posted anything on his FB for 7 days. I was about to message him to see if he was ok, then he made a post like seconds later saying he almost died, he had a seizure, he'll be released from the hospital, and it was a sobering experience, etc. I messaged him and gave him my blessings and told him I am always here for him, and that he had my deepest sympathies for what he went through. He quickly replied to me and it was just neutral. I let that go.

Then he was posting pictures and he posted a week sober picture. I congratulated him and messaged him saying how he is doing great. He replied back, but it was very quick and just nice. It wasn't like our messages before. He hasn't messaged me, commented or liked my posts, yet he keeps posting about his sobriety progress on his FB, so I find it strange he is active on FB, but seems to be avoiding me out of nowhere.

I messaged him again, one last time, and he keeps treating me more "stranger like". He just gives me quick deadpan responses back, and it wasn't like how it use to be. We went from talking everyday to not talking at all. I don't know how to take this? Why is he pulling a 180 and acting like we never conversed before? He even said before all of this that when I come to California in the future he would be "happy" to meet me. He went from complimenting me, having fun, jovial, and great convos, to literally nothing! He just dropped me like I was nothing when we had such strong chemistry. His responses back to me aren't as warm and are pretty generic, but not mean, just not how it use to be which is why I am so confused. He became sober and he seems to not care at all about me. He seems depressed but he is conversing with other people, but not with me, it seems. Why would you just abruptly ditch someone without a reason if there was a strong friendship? I am so confused on whether this is his character or being two weeks sober now? What should I do? I'm not going to message him anymore, but I feel if he truly cared he would say SOMETHING to me that would make me feel his absence isn't personal. But he is not letting me know why he is distant, nor does it seem like he wants to talk to me. He just kindly replies in a quick manner. But he doesn't ask how I am anymore or anything. I'm so hurt because I don't know why he is all of sudden doing a 180? It hurts and I don't know what to do. How do we go from talking everyday, having fun jovial convos, intellectual convos, complimenting each other in various ways, to literally nothing, and just ditching me? All because he is sober? I don't even drink, so it's not like I would be a trigger and he knows that. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I am so confused by his behavior.

SparkleKitty

People are actually very different when they are drinking enough to be hospitalized and having seizures than when they sober up. They can in fact seem like completely different people. The fact is, he may not even remember things he said or did while drinking.

Recovery from addiction is a fight for one’s life. If he is going to succeed, he must pour every ounce of energy into it, which means it may be a long long time before he has anything left over for anyone else.

He did and said a lot of things that made you feel very good while he was in an altered state due to his alcoholism. The way you felt was real, but he wasn’t really present and in his full frame of mind while doing and saying those things. He did not set you up on purpose to hurt you, but his addiction was in charge then, not him.

If you care for him as a person and not just someone who made you feel good about yourself for awhile you might consider stepping back and giving him the space he needs to do one of the hardest things a person can ever attempt to do: recover from an addiction.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh. Addiction is a beast, and it’s trying to kill him. He wrestled with it before he knew you and he will wrestle with it for the rest of his life. You are an unfortunate bystander in this and I am sorry for how much that hurts, but you serve yourself better by moving on than by digging for more here with someone who is in no position to give it to you.

velma929

I'd second Sparklekitty's opinion: sobriety is so much work, he doesn't have anything left to give.

The way you describe his actions previous to this sound creepily similar to 'love bombing,' not necessarily a good thing.

And third, you have some experience in this field, but are not currently working in it? "I also let him know I have some background in Drug and Alcohol counseling, and I know about it just growing up with it, and being surrounded by it...I want him to open up to me, so I can understand better, and also help him." I'll tell you what my mother-in-law did when she was diagnosed with cancer. Lots of people called and wrote about this treatment or that, trying to be helpful / hopeful. Finally, she let it be known that she trusted her doctor, they had worked out a plan of attack, and that's the plan she was going to stick with, so please don't send any more information about other treatments.She had all the information she needed about her prognosis, her treatment, what to expect. More people piling on with opinions and options was not helpful.

I'm sure he doesn't mean to be hurtful, but he's juggling a lot now.

nikegoddess112

Two weeks dry from drugs (alcohol is a drug) is barely a touchstone into any kind of sobriety.

For my recovery from living with an alcoholic, at two weeks into my journey of "emotional sobriety" I was going to Al-Anon meetings, reading and learning a lot about this disease from this side of it, as in how it had affected me, and just starting to allow my own emotions room to be explored.

Al-Anon is a great resource of Zoom/online meetings, especially during the holiday season, and I've recently started reading again "Alcoholism and Intimacy" helping me stay open and healthy trust in my friendships beyond family and love stuff.

InfraredRoses

Hello! Thank you for commenting. I honestly looked at him as a true friend. We formed a tight bond virtually. I was going to meet him sometime in the future because I live on the east coast, and he lives in Cali. I have friends that moved there that I was suppose to see. However, due to the pandemic I couldn't travel to see them, and I refuse to until covid is under control.

I didn't think he was a person that "made me feel good". I genuinelgenuinely him because he was so natural with me and wasn't like the other guys who just complimented me non stop, and gave me one liners. I loved how he treated me like a human being, he was funny, and natural. I was so drawn to his character. I loved how "real" he was. However, I know somewhat about addiction and I am aware of the self care, and battle he has to fight. I do care about him, a lot, but I can't put myself in this position of being hurt if it's always going to be a situation like this where he is non-engaging, short, and doesn't want to converse, and just feels forced to reply back or something. I mean he is treating me like a total 180 of how we use to talk, and if that all was the addiction, and this is truly him now, then he obviously doesn't care about me. It seems I'm bothering him anyways.

It's just that you would think out of all the people, he would keep contact with me because I'm so open and welcoming to him, we have a tight friendship, and I'm healthy as I never did drugs before, and I can't drink, never could. He knows that, so it hurts to know this all was his addiction and not really him. It really hurts to know I'm nothing to him now, sober. It's very mind-boggling because I completely understand wanting space, but he could say something! He could say anything to let me know he needs his space and it's not me, but I pretty much got my answer and it hurts. He needs to focus on himself, but I mean you don't just cut people out and do extreme crap like that. Especially people who wouldn't trigger your sobriety. But I get it, just hurts. Thank you.

InfraredRoses

I'm so sorry about your mother in law's diagnosis of Cancer. My deepest sympathies. I don't play therapist with him. I said that one time to him. I just sent him a simple "Hey just checking in, how are you?" And I'm just speaking to him like anybody else would. I do have se knowledge of the field, but not entirely as I didn't go forward with it. But I feared what was happening to me is the reality of what I did counsel. Like I said, everyone had a change of heart sober when I counseled addicts, and shadowed. I had deep feelings for this person and truly looked at him as a friend, and it was all his addiction. So, that hurts my heart. This all was BS then, and he truly didn't like me as much as I thought. I'm not ousting any treatment down his throat, he has all of that, I'm just acting like a normal friend, and he is acting as if I'm bothering him now. Where we seemed to have look forward to each other's messages everyday and comments. He even told me that once. So, it just all really hurts to know this is all a lie, and one sided. It confuses me to have just a 180 of attitude towards someone you talked to everyday.

SparkleKitty

It's not really about you, what you were to him, or what you had to offer. Recovery is a selfish business, and yes, some people do need to cut others out. Sometimes you need to change literally everything about your life that you can so you can fight for your life. Sometimes what you need is people who have been there, and not people who haven't. At any rate, you don't really get to decide for him what is a trigger and what isn't. I know you're hurting and I'm sorry, but there's a lot about his situation that you simply can't know and some that you can't possibly understand.

InfraredRoses

Thank you all for responding to my post. I really appreciate your thorough replies. I agree with you all. And I'm sorry if I seem a bit "testy". I'm just really upset that he is doing a 180. I understand about focusing on himself, the trauma he went through, and the battle he has to fight being sober, but it doesn't mean you cut out a good friend who is healthy, and wouldn't
trigger you. I don't play therapist with him. That would be very unethical of me since I am not his therapist, and I don't have that knowledge. I'm just a friend. I just told him that I had knowledge of addiction because I interned, and growing up around addiction without being one, etc. I said that so he would know I understand and I am welcoming. I said that one time. Because our convos never consisted of talking about addiction or anything of that nature. I didn't want him to think I was just a "goofball" he talked to. We had deep convos but it was more about depression and anxiety. He knew we both related so much to that. We had funny and light hearted convos more though. I wanted to let him know I'm beyond that light hearted person, that "angel" he said I was, etc.

I'm not a naive person is what I am saying or judgemental. However, I've been just messaging him about how proud I am of him (after he posts about his sobriety progress), saying "how are you", and joking around a bit like we use to, and he just is not having it. He is giving me quick, but nice replies back, and it's like as if I am bothering him, and as if I am a complete stranger, like we never conversed. So that's what hurts. However, someone said something about "love bombing" and that is frightening if he is a narcissist and just did that. Because it does sound similar. I was actually thinking about that for a minute.

I understand he is dealing with so much, more than I could ever fathom, and addiction is an ugly disease, a crippling one. But it hurts to be cut out in the process. He could say something to me if he truly cared like "Hey, I need my space. I care about you as a friend, but I want you to know that I might not be conversing with you as much because I need to do a lot of self care." I would COMPLETELY understand, back off, and be appreciative. However, he is just not telling me anything which tells me he really didn't value the friendship, and it was all his addiction. None of it was real which is what I was afraid I would fall prey to. I have feelings too, and I'm not going to wait around for someone if they can't even tell me they need their space and let me know I'm not the problem, otherwise I am going to take it personal, and think I am the problem. I do take it personally, because he is active on FB, yet won't converse or touch any of my posts. He is just treating me like a complete stranger, like he never even conversed with me, and it's personal to me. It hurts because he doesn't seem to be across the board acting that way with everyone. It confuses me, and it messes with my head. So, I guess he was blacked out drunk this whole time? Usually those people couldn't type, but we had long deep convos and funny convos with perfect writing. So, that is really scary to think he was drunk this whole time, and black out drunk if he doesn't remember conversing with me at all. Thank you all, just very hurt. I really valued him and our friendship. Like I said, he would skip other people's comments and have a conversation going under a comment of mine, and just converse with me. He seem to have "favored" me as he told me each and every time that I was an "angel". He even said that sober. He said "This world would be a lot darker and ugly without you in it. You're an angel and the purest person for all of humanity." But then I replied back saying how he was a beautiful person, and he just left me on "read". He is super quick, and didn't even look at my last message. So, thank you again. I'm just struggling with the confusion of all of this, and the pain.

SparkleKitty

I hear you, friend. It feels very personal, whether or not it is, and that is real. But I think you might just be expecting more from him than he is capable of right now.

You can tell someone all about what a good support you would be for them, but they still get to choose for themselves whether to avail themselves of that support. He has chosen not to at this time. It is very painful, but sometimes we just have to accept others' decisions and try to let go if we are to move on.

InfraredRoses

Thank you, love. Yes, I agree. I can't control what one does or who they converse with but I guess it's a total shock, and sudden change for me. We literally conversed every single day. In my mind, I would think since we had a tight friendship, and I'm a good listener, that he would be more open to me and not shut me out per se. But since he isn't giving me a reason of any sort, I'm just going to leave him alone and not speak to him, or anything. Because it is too emotionally toxic for me to be this confused, and he seems to not want to be bothered now by me. So, I'll move on with the pain and confusion. It's just really shocking... a sudden shift. He is just super different in a weird way now, and it breaks my heart because I really valued him. But he obviously was just really bad black out drunk, and maybe he regrets talking to me, but it hurts either way. So, I'll just move about. Thank you for your kindness and your wisdom.

trailmix

He may well remember many of your conversations, he doesn't have to have been black out drunk to forget some of it though. That doesn't mean he doesn't remember how you two were.

There are probably a few things at play here. You don't actually know him as a sober person. Have you ever been drunk or really tipsy? When people drink they become less inhibited (generally), maybe that's not his basic personality, heck he may not even know what his basic personality is anymore, after years of drinking. So perhaps it was easy for him to speak in an uninhibited "real" way with you while drinking and he is not capable of that sober.

This may have nothing to do with you personally. While he may be interacting quite happily with others, they may not be all that close so he can just joke or throw out a comment, that's not the same thing.

For whatever reason, be it trying to get sober or being too introverted, naturally, to have the closeness you two had, that is who he is, right now today. That's not personal to you, that's all about him.

So yes, it is sad that your close relationship had to end, but he can't do that right now. I'm sorry you got hurt and I think you are taking the right approach by not speaking to him anymore.

CocoBear230

I feel your pain and confusion because I am in an eerily similar situation with someone I thought was a good friend. He is also a completely different person sober and has been slowly ghosting me since getting sober 4 months ago. Two weeks ago, I finally decided for my own sake to go "no contact.". Maybe someday he will be able to be a caring friend to me again, but until then, I needed to move on and focus on myself. I removed him from most of my social media and that has helped me so much not having to see his posts or pictures. Maybe do the same?