Hodd

I quit on 1 January 2019 which might seem like the result of a New Years resolution, but my last ever beer was in a plane somewhere over Asia or the Middle East. I had a pre-arranged appointment the next day to drag my very jet-lagged sorry self to collect my first ever batch of Campral tablets. Whilst I knew these wouldn’t be the panacea to my drinking, I’d had to jump through so many hoops to get those tablets, that it seemed easier to just quit once and for all. I took the tablets for a few weeks before they became unnecessary.

It’s been an awesome time. I’d started a job that was ideal for a permanently hungover bum as I was, but as the weeks of sobriety passed, the brain fog cleared, and I realised I was wasting my time in such a dead beat job and quit. I wanted to retrain as a teacher but had forgotten all my studies, but no problem as I’d found my brain still worked and studied like I should’ve done all those years ago.

Then came the Covid lockdown, and I was/still am massively grateful to have quit long before as that was/is an appalling time for many. I wouldn’t have fared well as a drinker in lockdown, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating to say lockdown drinking would’ve permanently damaged my health or worse.

So this teaching has begun, and it’s not so bad, but there are some gaps in my subject knowledge which are a bit like a millstone. I’ve pretty much decided at the end of this training year to take time out, catch up on studies and carry on. In the meantime, it’s a lot of work and stress.

We know what stress does to us ex-drinkers. It can cause us to crave alcohol, and I must admit to wanting a drink this month more than anytime in the past 20 months or so. For me, sobriety is deadly serious, and i know one drink would be catastrophic. At the very least, I wouldn’t get through this training if I started drinking again, and I was already at stage 1 of liver disease (fatty liver) and wouldn’t take long to be back there and worse.

So I’m not about to drink again, but the cravings which have been fading have decided to come back with the increased workload and stress. Maybe every ex-drinker will have a breaking point at which drinking again becomes highly likely, but with the hangovers and withdrawals, I’ll take the easy option and steer clear.

Dee74

Congrats on the milestone Hodd.

I think that everyone who stays in recovery finds better ways to deal with stress - some use ecercie, some use meditation, some develop hobbies and some just learn a better work/play balance...

I have complete faith that you'll not only get through this sober but you'll be a great teacher as well

D

Erica375

Congratulations on 22 months! I'm glad you posted here and didn't decide to drink. Keep going!

Hodd

Thanks Dee, I’m not sure about the great teacher bit but I’m more confident about the not drinking part.

I wrote a post a few months ago about the after effects of over indulging on indian naan breads. I couldn’t sleep and I felt rough all that next day. I felt like laughing, though, as it was just like a hangover which was an everyday occurrence not so long ago.

This forum’s certainly showed me that there’s no cure period. You can’t quit alcohol for x months or y years and go back to drinking. My cravings at 22 months are minuscule in comparison to those I had as an active drinker, but there’ll go up and down forever I guess. If I need any reminding of how I’ll feel, I can always feast on some more naan breads, but I don’t recommend it

Anna

Hodd, congratulations on 22 months of recovery and I think you will be a great teacher, too.

Kaily

Well done on your achievements Hodd.

I am nearly 24 months sober but that niggle is still there, some days it's more of an itch. All I can do is keep on not acting on it and remember the consequences if I were to change my mind.

Hodd

Well done, Kaily. That’s spot on. We can see, sadly from the experience of others, that one drink can lead to years of heavy drinking and all the negatives which go with it. It’s as certain as night and day that if I had one drink, I’d have more.

Kaily

Yes when I crave a drink, I crave getting drunk, not a glass of wine...

More like a bottle or two of vodka!

decchemist

Hodd. Are you sure you want to delay your NQT year? Don't worry about subject knowledge. I did not take GCSE Biology (O level actually) and it has not been a problem. I have only ever had to teach biology to year 8. You are much more valuable as a physics specialist and so I doubt you would have to pick up GCSE biology teaching. Biologists are in plentiful supply and it's not that difficult anyway - mostly factual content.

Ringside

I have almost the exact amount of sobriety time as you do and can identify with what you described. In fact, just yesterday I was very stressed regarding a work issue, and the idea of drinking started creeping in with more force than it has since a point last spring. But after almost two years of hard work, I can handle it - by talking about it and engaging with other people and doing things, instead of isolating and running off to the bar or store. I've been told and it is also my opinion that this is normal - we are people who drank to handle stress. And when stress happens, at least relatively early on in sobriety, it should be no surprise that the thought of drinking happens along with it. It's what we do in response that counts. Take care.

DriGuy

Mine is on Jan 3rd and it might seem like a New Years resolution, but it was more like something that had just been a long time in coming. If New Years was related in anyway, it might seem like I just had to get the Holidays out of the way, but no. It was just something that had been coming to an end for a long time.

I've never heard of Campral. You probably could have done it without them. I'm guessing you are processing that right now. Our perspective about these things change when sober.

But I'd be the last person to tell someone they don't need that, whatever it is.

You've got it. Those thoughts or cravings come and go. It's not a straight line trending downward on the graph of recovery, but over the long run, the trend for me has always been downward. I don't know if we all have breaking points. I just know that some of us break. I don't know why. I've experienced a few points of danger along the way, but breaking was not ever on the table and not a part of my overall plan. Would there be a breaking point for me? I can't imagine what it would be, but I do know my AV has presented me with what momentarily sounded like good ideas. Those were times when logic could have taken a leave of absence. But I was watching for these times because plenty of people had warned me to watch out for them. But even the vigilance required to protect yourself, seems to become second nature and corrective action becomes a default state. So it's not like you go through life looking over your shoulder for demons all the time.

Hodd

Thanks Dec, it’s something I’m going to have to sort myself. For some reason, my schedule includes a year 9 GCSE biology class, and the feedback hasn’t been overly complimentary. In fact, I see little benefit in struggling through a biology lesson only to receive similar comments each time. I only have to teach a few more biology classes this term, so I’ll bear with it for now. I’m going to be a lot more defensive, though, as the kids asked a lot of biology questions, and I did know the answers.

The biology teachers admit they can’t teach physics well, and one of them says they hate physics, which is somewhat disturbing. You may have also seen the training bursaries have been drastically cut for biology from 2021/22. As you say, there seems to be no shortage of biology teachers. But I need to put such thoughts to the back of my mind. Some parts of biology are interesting, and the kids are very interesting in any human biology, which has motivated me more than any of the teachers. I should make the effort to like it more, but maybe a year out is too drastic.

I don’t plan to teach in the UK for long. The PGCE is a first step in moving abroad. I could probably teach English or a foreign language overseas as well as science. I just need to ignore this biology bashing for now

Hodd

Hi DriGuy, thanks for the reply. Campral aka acamprosate is a drug that supposedly reduces cravings. I didn’t take it long enough to have an effect, but having to take two large tablets three times a day is a reminder not to drink. It served its purpose in that it was hard to get it prescribed. If I’d relapsed, I’d have to go through the process again. The lesson learned is when giving up, tell your doctor so you feel a sense of accountability, My doctor still asks if I’m drinking. She can see the effect - I’m lucky enough to be in great shape - but I reckon she thinks I still drink. I can look her in the eye and say she’s wrong.

You and I both know that drinking again would be a disaster, so we hopefully won’t ever again. I think too many people relapse at the drop of a hat, but for me, my sobriety is just about as important as anything. If someone spiked my drink, for example, they wouldn’t ever be forgiven. It’s deadly serious, quite literally.

Oh, well done to you too.

DriGuy

At 22 months, I had more like thoughts about drinking, as opposed to cravings. I'm not sure where the line is between thoughts and cravings, but they seem like two separate things to me. But whatever you call those things you are having at 22 months, I'd place a heavy bet on them getting weaker and eventually almost disappearing.

I don't mind the thoughts. They are more like playful annoyances, but even now I can have a very weak craving along the lines of, "I'd like to settle back with a drink right now." They are rare, like less than once a year, and I know I'm not going to drink, but what I call cravings give me just a bit of a scare. It reminds me that returning to the bottle is just one choice away. I think the fact that it would be just that easy is what scares me.

I'm an alcoholic, and maybe one thing that will always be with me, something that will never leave, is the recognition that I can't have just one drink and stop. It's not like a heavy burden, but it's something normies never have to give a thought to, while I will always be carrying it. Other than that, I'm just like a normie, maybe more normal than some of them, except with that one small recognition of who I am.

Kaily

This scares me too. I don't totally trust myself and it kinda taunts me, like a burden I have to live with.

Hodd

DriGuy, I categorise my thoughts about drinking as like being in a bad job where you need the money. You’d like the tell the boss to shove it more than anything, but to do so will make matters far worse.

That’s not a great example as we can all get another job, but we only get one life. I definitely wasted 10 to 15 years by drinking, and I’m not going to waste any more.

In my case, my wife doesn’t even drink so I’ve really no excuse. Those who quit whilst a partner continues to drink deserve every praise.

16YearsDrunk

I'm 17 months sober. I never get the urge or desire to drink. In the summer while I was doing the garden my mind said "A beer would be nice", but I didn't ponder the thought any more than that. I think that was psychological because I haven't done the garden since I quit and I used to have a beer when doing the DIY or manual labor.

ShilohWon

i have seen this on numerous posts today. Congrats on your 22 months. Hang in there. It gets better. I'm a retired teacher in Canada. It is a calling. You'll do fine

SoberInCLE

Congratulations on your sobriety. Isolation is bad for alcoholics and the lockdown has exacerbated the problem for us former drinkers. I recommend you attend some online AA or Secular Sobriety meetings. I did not start attending the meetings until I had quit about two years and found it lessened the pressure of not drinking.

Dee74

If it helps Kaily I think of it as a choice like running across a busy highway or playing with matches while sitting in a drum of petrol....Intellectually it’s a choice but in practice it’s not really?

D