spunout

I was just going back, and forth in a little friendly banter with someone in the sober living home I'm staying in. He got all butthurt, and started threatening me out of no where. How do I handle this?

biminiblue

People are pretty touchy in early sobriety.

Just don't make it worse. Can you apologize, "Hey, sorry. I didn't mean to say the wrong thing there."

Wastinglife

Walk away. Go chill out somewhere else.

Erica375

"Wow, man," indeed! Sorry that happened to you. I think I'd just let it slide for now. Newly recovering alcoholics aren't the most stable people. The other day I got irrationally angry at something I don't even remember and I slammed my bathroom closet door and broke it. Stupid move on my part.
Leave the angry guy alone and let him deal with his problems while you deal with yours.
I'm glad you're able to use the computer to come here to vent.

spunout

We're good now. I went to the house facilitator, and explained what happened. We all came together, and we both apologized to each other, and hugged. It did really upset me thought. He told me he'd wait for me to leave to "teach me some manners", and we were on really good terms before this happened. Made me think twice before opening my mouth next time.

nez

I am not proud to say it, but I have been guilty of that same behavior. When people do that to me, I try to remember the times that I have done that to others. This leads me to trying to discern the root cause of the pain in that person's life that resulted in their reaction. When I do this it usually winds up with me finding a similarity in my past, which creates empathy and defuses the situation for me at any rate. (Short version: walk a mile in their shoes)

Anna

I'm glad the two of you worked things out. This is all part of recovery.

BeABetterMan

All we can ever do is look at our own part in it.

Ask yourself three questions about the things you said to him;

1. was it true?
2. was it kind?
3. was it necessary?


As a part of my sobriety I have changed how I talk to people. Do I want to be right or be happy?

After we ask ourselves these things we can then see our part in any conflict. If we keep our side of the road clean we can better assess situations and people to see if we want to interact with that person in the future. Be quick to forgive.

Good luck.

Steely

Go the art room and do a painting of the whole grisly episode. Follow up with a painting, "The Big Hug" and give it to him. Do they have an art room?

BeABetterMan

No disrespect at all Steely, I think drawing about it or writing about it is a good idea, but I don’t know if I’d give it to him. His response might not be what you want or expect. Drawing it and/or journaling about it is something for you to cope and process. No need to link your recovery to anyone else’s.

Kaily

What a good outcome and a learning experience. I think we could all do with facilitators in our lives.

nez

Old behavior would be to do the painting on my fist so that I could deliver it properly.
LOL! Luckily I have mellowed with age and recovery.

Steely

I was only being half serious BABM. Feeling a bit whimsical.

Thought you response was funny nez.

Hope you are doing ok spunout. Ignore the dill, the rabble, good for self discipline.

Erica375

Nez, thank you for my first laugh of the day. Not that violence is funny, but that YOU can laugh about how you used to be.

nez

My old behavior was actually more thought than action. For the most part, I was a sorta drunken quasi Walter Mitty type with barstool fantasies. :~)

DriGuy

That's one of the reasons this forum works so well. Not facilitators, but monitors simply don't allow comments that are offensive, either intentionally, accidental, or inappropriate. In an un-monitored situation, those things happen, and there is no one there to shut it down, except those involved, who by the time it happens, can no longer see straight.

Not all forums are like that, where things can often get unpleasant in a hurry. This being a help forum is limited only to discussion that facilitates a positive outcome. Other forums encourage debate, but there is often a fine line between debate, trolling, and the dark hidden agenda. The monitors here are focused on facilitating help. With so many people coming in here with agendas of their own that are secondary to alcohol abuse, the monitors do a rather remarkable job. I would actually describe this environment as atypical of many forums.

silentrun

Ain't that the truth. Acting defensive and aggressive like that never comes from a good place. That person is suffering and displacing it. I'm glad you got the situation sorted out OP in a way that helped both of you.

freedomfries

I'm glad you made up with this person. People can be a bit difficult deal with in early sobriety. Good you sorted it out.

LumenandNyx

Hi,

Doesn't your sober living home have a house manager that lives on property?
That's the person who should handle this.

I'd steer clear of the person you got into it with. Remember that he's fighting some gnarly demons too and that his behavior could be a result of his discomfort and fear.