DesertEyes

Acceptance is so hard.

One of the al-anon concepts peeps keep hammering into me is Acceptance. I just didn't get it. How can I possibly accept my ex-wife's addiction?

Part of my problem is that she is disabled. And for 20 20 years helping her out with that disability was a central part of my life. There was so much I could change for her.

I got the two confused.

What I did not understand is that it wasn't about accepting her addiction. It's about accepting her unwillingness to seek recovery. That is an entirely different concept.

It doesn't mean it hurts any less to have lost our marriage, or to see her suffer. It means I no longer have to destroy myself or my life trying to change her unwillingness. Only she can change that, not me.

Someday, like the Serenity Prayer says, I may get the wisdom to figure out this sort of thing on my own. For now I depend on the lovely peeps of al-anon to show me the way.

Mike

SparkleKitty

Acceptance of things and people as they are, instead of how I wish they were, is central to everything for me. And yeah, it is SO hard.

But if I have learned anything, it’s that acceptance gets easier with practice.

SmallButMighty

Acceptance was definitely one of the hardest hurdles for me. Accepting that he had a right to drink himself stupid if that's what he wanted to do, acceptance that he didn't want to change, acceptance that I did NOT have the right to try and change him, acceptance of my own part in the dysfunction of our relationship... accepting that if I wanted to live a happier , healthier life, I was going to have to be the one to change what wasn't working for me. None of it felt good, all of it was painful, gosh it was uncomfortable to accept things I didn't want to, but knew I had to.

Like SK said, it took practice to get to a place where I now just accept people and their situations for what they are, it doesn't mean I always like it, because I definitely don't, but it certainly makes life easier knowing it isn't my job to try and change things for them.

My goodness, how much energy have we expended trying to change the things we had no power over? It exhausts me just thinking back on it.

Acceptance is key to peace of mind!

DesertEyes

That's not the way it is for me. Maybe that is why I have such a hard time with it. I think I will work on that.

I forget. I forget so many of the priceless lessons of recovery. That's why I keep coming here, and kept going to meets before covid.

Mike

DesertEyes

Yes, same here.

Energy? I had to leave town because it took me so long to accept my marriage was over. I lost friends I had known for decades, had to re-start my career, and who knows how much money. I pretty much destroyed my life and had to start over.

I can see that it would be. I need to work on that.

Mike

SmallButMighty

Yes, but energy spent on rebuilding is better than energy wasted on things we can't "fix", yes?

After I stopped wasting energy on things I couldn't control and started spending it on what I COULD do..,as difficult as it was to do, life started getting better. Once I left my AXH, I spent almost two years toughing it out in a town I was utterly uncomfortable in because my youngest kid was still finishing up high school, working a very physical job that I hated, for a awful, narcissistic boss.... THEN I left my country(!) and moved 3K miles, away from everything and (almost)everyone I loved .....That took a lot of energy (and bravery if I do say so myself)... but that energy (and money) was well spent because it was spent on me and what I could control, working towards a better life, and it paid off because it wasn't incumbent on anyone else's choices. It was HARD, it was painful, but it was worth it. Unlike all the other hard and painful things I'd been through that got me no where, or worse.

I also lost life long friends along the way, including my best friend of 30+years. (Ouch) This kind of thing can really do a number on the psyche, but again, this is where acceptance can really help. I was (painfully and obviously) no longer compatible with her, much like I was no longer compatible with my AXH. Accepting that didn't feel good, but it was easier and healthier than spending a bunch of energy and anger trying to figure it out the "whys" of something I couldn't control. I miss her, but in some ways, life is better without some of the things she brought into my life. Acceptance. It used to be worth it, now its not, I accept that.

Keep working on it, I promise, it gets easier and when it does, life gets better. I breathe and sleep so much easier now!

SparkleKitty

I have been here for eight years now, even though I am about 13 years out of my relationship with XABF. My alcoholic mother passed early last year as well, though she was effectively out of my life long, long before that. I keep coming back to remind myself that acceptance in ALL areas of my life is, literally, always the answer. Now it's the "making decisions accordingly" part that often gives me stress (it's always something, isn't it?).

About a month and a half ago I almost died from a pulmonary embolism. I spent four days in the hospital alone--no visitors due to COVID--scared and lonely with blood pressure readings (every hour!) so high I wondered how I was still functioning. So of course sometimes, acceptance is still a lot of work. I suspect it always will be, and I need to keep reminding myself that pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. My mother chose suffering, even after she quit drinking, so I always have a reminder of just how miserable that choice can make someone.

Anyway, I'm glad you're here.

DesertEyes

Absolutely.

Yes, I understand. And congratulations on your courage

I am. Not giving up.

Mike

DesertEyes

Same here.

I am so sorry to hear that. I know how hard that can be. I'm glad you made it ok.

My biological Father was like that.

awwww, thanks. You're a sweety. And a big part of what makes SR such a haven on the web.

Mike

NYCDoglvr

When I realized I had to accept a disturbing situation I prayed for the ability to do so. It worked and I recommend turning to a higher power.
Big hug!

Amaranth

There is a line in the coda opening prayer....the joy of acceptance. ...
two years ago this week I went to hospital with cancer. At the same time my marriage fell apart, I lost my family, my farm, my work, my goats died. It was a total disaster. I have spent the last 2 years in a mess trying to recover from surgery and desperately trying to rebuild my life and create some harmony in my family. I have fought against my living situation being so desperate to get back everything I have "lost"
I accept now that my life is different. It's not what I would have chosen but now that I have stopped fighting it I realise it's not that bad. Broken hearts do heal and my new life is offering me lots of opportunities I never would have dreamed of.
I am starting to understand that phrase....
The joy of acceptance

DesertEyes

I've heard it a million times. I still don't understand it. Some day I hope I will.

I have so lived that. I am still re-building my life from what it used to be. You have my understanding, and my sympathies.

That is what I am working on.

Yes, so is mine.

Mike