puzzle

I want to express my gratitude for all the posts on here. I have never been part of a forum and I am shocked (but elated) how helpful it has been. I am reminded of this quote: "One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide." Thank you for being my guide. Here are my reflections from what I have read on here that made me think:

First, there's been a lot of discussion here on the addictive voice and that made me think about and reflect on my last relapse (after 135 days sober) At first I simply asked myself why? It just seemed to happen. I was not fighting urges to drink. But I discovered my relapses (and there were many, many of them) were drivin by my addictive voice even before drinking thoughts began. I would stay busy by putting in extra hours of work daily, exercising religiously, counting every calorie obsessively....in an attempt to feel in control (of myself, my environment). At first it felt good but soon, everything I did, I did compulsively to the point I was too tired, too sore, too hungry, too cranky and life was too unbalanced until I couldn't keep it up and was miserable. This allowed my Voice to tell me I'm a failure, you can't do this, you're making others unhappy which, in turn, made it easy to convince me to drink. So I need to stop allowing that Voice to tell me I need to be perfect and that I can control life. I need to learn to recognize that Voice and tell it to F*** off.

The other piece of thinking I have been doing is around the many discussions about commitment. (I won't drink today vs I will never drink). For me it has been more comfortable to commit to "I won't drink today". But also for me it hasn't been successful long term (obviously). This is because fear (or my AV) says things like "but what about that all-inclusive next year that you spent so much on?". This thinking gives that Voice a foot in the door. My fears are worries about the future, generated by "what ifs". What if I can't, what if I fail, what if I won't have fun? So I turned that against myself. So what if you don't drink on vacation? Well, I might remember all of it and I won't do anything stupid to regret. Taking that a step further, what if....I stopped asking "what if"? Today I am still at "I don't want to drink ever again", but my goal is now to be able to say "I will neverdrink again".

I realize that like everyone else I am a work in progress. I may not be where I want to be but I'm thankful for not being where I used to be. Have a good week everyone. 😊

DriGuy

You have a good grasp of a couple of issues, But there are a slew of issues in alcoholism. Not everyone is plagued by the same issues to the same extent. Maybe you have seized on issues which are particular to you. But I did want to comment on a couple. This is not to say you are wrong, but only to say that your experience may be different from mine.

My AV never once told me I was a failure. It would tell me I was doing well and that I was ready to have a drink like a normal person.

Many here use the one day at a time strategy. I never did, because I could not make sense of it. I jumped right to my overall goal, at least when I observed that it was possible in others. I committed to never having another drink in my life, and I'm so smitten with that idea that I think all alcoholics eventually must shift from a short term strategy to a long term strategy.

The short term "one day at a time" is surely a vital strategy in early recovery just to get through the craving mode. But as recovery progresses, it changes, new battles emerge, and different strategies are needed.

But I don't want to sound too sure of myself, because "one day at a time" does seem to be enough for others.

Well said.

biminiblue

What I think you are beginning to understand is similar to how I began to change all of my life into one with which I am content.

The start for me was to recognize the continuous loop of negativity I had going on in my noggin.

Then, well, what to do about it?

It was one of THE biggest revelations of my life when I discovered that I could Decide what to think about. I don't have to go down that rabbit hole of self-loathing-self-defeating thinking. I can change the channel whenever I want.

At first, I would get 25 thoughts in-to a negative spiral. When I drank a negative spiral could last all day and I would think about a problem in a circular loop until I got worked up into a frenetic anxious mess. Then of course drinking shut that up, so...

When I realized I could stop those thoughts it was like someone turned on a light.

Someone did turn on a light. Actually many people turned it on. I read everything I could find about thinking/thoughts/thought control/mindfulness/anxiety and anxious intrusive thinking.

I studied and I practiced.

With time the negative thoughts mostly disappeared, and at least I can recognize them in time now before they take over my whole day. Some of them are just ridiculous, some of them point to something I need to pay attention to but not to drink or otherwise self-sabatoge over .

Keep practicing, keep noticing what pops into your head and keep reframing! Such good tools.

This is a good link in the Anxiety subforum sticky threads:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...anagement.html (Emotional Memory Management)

puzzle

Thank you DriGuy. Always good insight and things to ponder.

My #1 priority is staying sober. Because my world and my thoughts are still jumbled I may very well stumble upon issues unrelated to drinking (since I have dealt with nothing in my 50+ years). I will trust that I will be able to deal with them as they arise (with help from my supports) so that I can not only live sober but live more fully.

puzzle

Yes! This is how I feel! (well the light is still faint and blinking Thank you for the link. I have printed it so I can read and process.

Sober45

Now that’s what I call major progress in self analyzing. Everything you said resonates with me so much. I have almost 8 months sober now and I’m enjoying other the things. But of course The trick now is staying sober and that’s why I still come here so much...because I know the AV could come at any time.

this has been a bad day on the home front For me but as bad as it is today, I’m beyond relieved that alcohol is not part of the picture. Instead, I can go about my life with confidence that I’m of sound mind and judgment. And now I also have a sober history so I have confidence in my recent decisions.

Keep up the good work!

Hevyn

Thank you, puzzle. I'm so glad you're finding it encouraging. I'd never been part of a forum either, & couldn't imagine what good it might possibly do me. What struck me when I finally gave it a chance was how many felt the same way I did. I was positive I was the only one with those thoughts & feelings. To know I wasn't alone, and never had to feel unique or strange, meant everything.

Loving the excellent comments on puzzle's thread.

puzzle

Thanks! I am looking forward to having some of that confidence.

Rsanchez920

Thanks I relate to it a lot....I can become addictive and obsessive in every other realm as means to be in control and maintain "sobriety" not very sober behavior though lol