Drinking - the lost years
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,948
Drinking - the lost years
Bit Lennon-esque with the title, but it’s a bit sad and happy at the same time.
Last week, my wife and I flew to a city in mainland Europe for a friend’s wedding. We’d lived there for six years and had never been back there together. It was fantastic. I don’t know why I ever left. Well, I do actually. I wasn’t doing that well there professionally or socially, and I thought I could do better back in the UK.
I have to say, 95% of the reason why I wasn’t doing well there was alcohol. Every day I’d wander in work ridiculously late with a hangover. I was seriously overweight and not in any sort of club or social scene. My wife had friends who I met on occasions, but I couldn’t be bothered. It wasn’t a total failure. I learned the language to quite a decent level so was able to experience the country fully.
So last week involved a lot of walking and even running (I try and run 5km a day) and meeting (mainly my wife’s) friends. I’m pretty sociable now surprisingly so really enjoyed talking to everyone, and I’m always surprised people are interested in what I have to say. That wasn’t the case when I lived there.
In retrospect, I should’ve stayed there and got sober there. I made a bit more money in the UK, and I’ll never regret being with my parents in their final years, but I had a great life/opportunity/permanent job overseas, and I wasted it by drinking.
It’s not healthy or useful to dwell on the past, and I definitely can’t tell my wife how I feel on this one as she never wanted to leave in the first place.
But I feel hugely fortunate to have seen the light and started living at 49. I’m not making the same mistakes again. Not drinking makes so much more possible.
Last week, my wife and I flew to a city in mainland Europe for a friend’s wedding. We’d lived there for six years and had never been back there together. It was fantastic. I don’t know why I ever left. Well, I do actually. I wasn’t doing that well there professionally or socially, and I thought I could do better back in the UK.
I have to say, 95% of the reason why I wasn’t doing well there was alcohol. Every day I’d wander in work ridiculously late with a hangover. I was seriously overweight and not in any sort of club or social scene. My wife had friends who I met on occasions, but I couldn’t be bothered. It wasn’t a total failure. I learned the language to quite a decent level so was able to experience the country fully.
So last week involved a lot of walking and even running (I try and run 5km a day) and meeting (mainly my wife’s) friends. I’m pretty sociable now surprisingly so really enjoyed talking to everyone, and I’m always surprised people are interested in what I have to say. That wasn’t the case when I lived there.
In retrospect, I should’ve stayed there and got sober there. I made a bit more money in the UK, and I’ll never regret being with my parents in their final years, but I had a great life/opportunity/permanent job overseas, and I wasted it by drinking.
It’s not healthy or useful to dwell on the past, and I definitely can’t tell my wife how I feel on this one as she never wanted to leave in the first place.
But I feel hugely fortunate to have seen the light and started living at 49. I’m not making the same mistakes again. Not drinking makes so much more possible.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
I’m right behind you in age. My perspective has shifted greatly as I creep up on 50.
I have no idea if it will help, and no idea if I am just fooling myself, but I have always had a bit of a fatalistic view of the past. I have many regrets, but for all of them I honestly feel that whatever was the outcome was the way it was meant to be. In hindsight, it didn’t work out as I wished, and with hindsight I could certainly have made better choices, but at the time I made the best decision I could with the tools I had. It may still have been crappy and self-indulgent, but that is who I was in that moment.
Now I know better, so I do better. I am a work in progress.
Hipe you find peace with this. Congrats on creeping up on a sober 50!
-bora
I have no idea if it will help, and no idea if I am just fooling myself, but I have always had a bit of a fatalistic view of the past. I have many regrets, but for all of them I honestly feel that whatever was the outcome was the way it was meant to be. In hindsight, it didn’t work out as I wished, and with hindsight I could certainly have made better choices, but at the time I made the best decision I could with the tools I had. It may still have been crappy and self-indulgent, but that is who I was in that moment.
Now I know better, so I do better. I am a work in progress.
Hipe you find peace with this. Congrats on creeping up on a sober 50!
-bora
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 744
You should see the list of failures that i have!
I do have a pretty decent career and much to be grateful for, even lots of avoided disasters to be grateful for. I am just a few years younger and much more I want to do.
Sometimes those negative thoughts will blindside me and I get so overwhelmed with shame. Ashamed of things I haven't accomplished. Ashamed that others are just flat out better then me. The thoughts can get really destructive and dangerous if I let them.
I think we are right where God wants us to be. Some of those things we messed up are so obvious now and so... ooh WHY DID I DO THAT. Its like a dropped touchdown pass in a Super Bowl. Look how easily I could have had this or that and I wanted it so bad, it was there and I messed it up. Now I'm too old to go undo much of this.
To get here all of that stuff had to happen. All of it, the good the bad the seemingly meaningless. All of those drinks. Every time we picked up a drink obviously that delusion that it was a good idea to pick up HAD NOT been completely smashed. All we can do is be grateful for what we have and continue foward with it the best we can. Many of those dreams I had could have been accomplished. They were just that, MY dreams, MY plans. How I thought life should happen. I can and should pursue dreams the best I can but its God that controls the results. From here on as long as I do my best I can be grateful for whatever God provides.
I do have a pretty decent career and much to be grateful for, even lots of avoided disasters to be grateful for. I am just a few years younger and much more I want to do.
Sometimes those negative thoughts will blindside me and I get so overwhelmed with shame. Ashamed of things I haven't accomplished. Ashamed that others are just flat out better then me. The thoughts can get really destructive and dangerous if I let them.
I think we are right where God wants us to be. Some of those things we messed up are so obvious now and so... ooh WHY DID I DO THAT. Its like a dropped touchdown pass in a Super Bowl. Look how easily I could have had this or that and I wanted it so bad, it was there and I messed it up. Now I'm too old to go undo much of this.
To get here all of that stuff had to happen. All of it, the good the bad the seemingly meaningless. All of those drinks. Every time we picked up a drink obviously that delusion that it was a good idea to pick up HAD NOT been completely smashed. All we can do is be grateful for what we have and continue foward with it the best we can. Many of those dreams I had could have been accomplished. They were just that, MY dreams, MY plans. How I thought life should happen. I can and should pursue dreams the best I can but its God that controls the results. From here on as long as I do my best I can be grateful for whatever God provides.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
I mourn the past but as with all loss I am coming to terms with it.
I cannot change it, only take responsibility for it. - someone on here told me that and I repeat it like a mantra.
One way I make sense of the loss is to be honest about how much worse things could have been. I never drink/drove but drove thousands of times, for work, the next day, and could've killed someone or myself, gone to prison, lost everything. I could've lost much more than I have...so I reason nobody gets everything right. Even a sober Be123 would've lost stuff through being a fallible human.
So I see it as part of life - a frustrating, annoying and irritating part of life, but a part I could not have skipped.
I'm pretty happy now, despite all the crap I have to deal with, so I'll take that
I cannot change it, only take responsibility for it. - someone on here told me that and I repeat it like a mantra.
One way I make sense of the loss is to be honest about how much worse things could have been. I never drink/drove but drove thousands of times, for work, the next day, and could've killed someone or myself, gone to prison, lost everything. I could've lost much more than I have...so I reason nobody gets everything right. Even a sober Be123 would've lost stuff through being a fallible human.
So I see it as part of life - a frustrating, annoying and irritating part of life, but a part I could not have skipped.
I'm pretty happy now, despite all the crap I have to deal with, so I'll take that
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,948
As said above, it could’ve been a lot worse.
We’re all being harsh on ourselves. I know people in their 60s, 70s or older who have 2 or 3 drinks and just watch TV every single night for hours. They’re not alcoholics, but they have wasted their lives and are still doing so. They could change their ways and do something worthwhile. It’s never too late. Us ex-drinkers (hopefully) should be thankful we’ve seen the worst in ourselves, and we still have time to make amends and enjoy our lives from now on.
As for my former expat adventures, I left that country for a reason and was very glad to return to the UK. If I’d have stayed, who knows? I could’ve become an even heavier drinker and end up damaging my liver. I’m really lucky to have no liver problems, so I haven’t done that badly 😀
We’re all being harsh on ourselves. I know people in their 60s, 70s or older who have 2 or 3 drinks and just watch TV every single night for hours. They’re not alcoholics, but they have wasted their lives and are still doing so. They could change their ways and do something worthwhile. It’s never too late. Us ex-drinkers (hopefully) should be thankful we’ve seen the worst in ourselves, and we still have time to make amends and enjoy our lives from now on.
As for my former expat adventures, I left that country for a reason and was very glad to return to the UK. If I’d have stayed, who knows? I could’ve become an even heavier drinker and end up damaging my liver. I’m really lucky to have no liver problems, so I haven’t done that badly 😀
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1,183
I think people who have struggled with alcohol and managed to get away from it have some of the best hindsight in the world! There are so many "regrets" I have that at some level sound similar to yours. What's beautiful about your post is that last line about seeing the light and starting to live! That's a great mindset. If I had one suggestion, it would be to be honest with your wife about your feelings. Sure she may not have ever wanted to leave, but I bet you she would say it was worth moving back to the UK for her husband to find himself again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,948
Thanks Noam. I’ve mentioned elsewhere that the husband of one of my wife’s friends has alcohol-related cirrhosis. I bet he has massive regrets, but he won’t get the opportunities we got sadly.
I’d been back in the UK five years before I realised I’d become a sad overweight middle-aged bore, so I can’t use my return to the UK as a catalyst for my better life. I mentioned on another waffling thread that it was meeting an ex-girlfriend that started the whole fitness, weight loss and subsequent sober thing. I haven’t told my wife that although I did tell a counsellor once, and she said people made such life changes all the time for school reunions, etc, so I felt less guilty then. Anyway, that ex-girlfriend has long vanished from my thoughts, and my wife’s happy to have a slim healthy husband.
The future is looking good. We are planning to move/semi-retire abroad in two to three years time. The way I was going, I’d have developed health and problems, and that would create havoc with health insurance, visas, etc, so I pretty much every day thank my lucky stars for dodging alcohol-related health problems.
I’d been back in the UK five years before I realised I’d become a sad overweight middle-aged bore, so I can’t use my return to the UK as a catalyst for my better life. I mentioned on another waffling thread that it was meeting an ex-girlfriend that started the whole fitness, weight loss and subsequent sober thing. I haven’t told my wife that although I did tell a counsellor once, and she said people made such life changes all the time for school reunions, etc, so I felt less guilty then. Anyway, that ex-girlfriend has long vanished from my thoughts, and my wife’s happy to have a slim healthy husband.
The future is looking good. We are planning to move/semi-retire abroad in two to three years time. The way I was going, I’d have developed health and problems, and that would create havoc with health insurance, visas, etc, so I pretty much every day thank my lucky stars for dodging alcohol-related health problems.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
I just spent the weekend trying to free myself of guilt surrounding my daughter and all the things I didn't do. She has a couple of cousins around her age who are soaring through all the milestone...and their mother (my sister in-law) just loves to tell me how well they are doing. I get physically ill listening to her. My daughter had to take a leave from school and just seems to be struggling with pretty much everything (although things have improved since I quit drinking). I will never know how much my drinking played a role in her problems but I have to be honest and accept that it is what it is.
The guilt and shame this weekend really brought me down. Instead of turning to the bottle, I'm reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for us. As long as I stay sober and am there for her, she will blossom into the young woman she is meant to be.
The guilt and shame this weekend really brought me down. Instead of turning to the bottle, I'm reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for us. As long as I stay sober and am there for her, she will blossom into the young woman she is meant to be.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 365
Hey Hodd, are you me? Your story resonated very strongly. I too spent some time overseas with my wife, screwing up my career, and I know how it feels to go back to the place and wonder how things might have been had you cleaned up while there. The gratitude at not having alcohol-related health issues is something that also rings true for me -- sometimes I can't believe that I'm still alive after all the dumb things I've done. Unlike you, I have continued to struggle to get to a sober life, putting together little strings of "sobriety" here and there and always seeming to succumb to that f$I(@#( AV in a brief moment of weakness. It's inspiring to me that someone else has succeeded where I have thus far failed.
Also, to Sober45, nice job avoiding the bottle over the weekend. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
Also, to Sober45, nice job avoiding the bottle over the weekend. Best of luck to you and your daughter.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,948
Originally Posted by ImNotThatGuy 
Hey Hodd, are you me? Your story resonated very strongly. I too spent some time overseas with my wife, screwing up my career, and I know how it feels to go back to the place and wonder how things might have been had you cleaned up while there.
By the way, I don’t go on about myself this much in public. I’m as humble and low profile as a person can be. I don’t want anyone to read to my waffle and think I’ve reached unattainable heights. Anyone who stops drinking can have a great life.
——
Sober45, that must have been awful. I’m sure you’re not as bad as you make out, and I’m also sure your sister in law’s kids aren’t as great as she says. I know it’s not easy, but you need to protect yourself from that in future and change subject or leave the room. Your diary (your other thread) was great, wish I’d written a blog or similar. You really were having a rough time with alcohol so seven months is brilliant. I just hope the urges are reduced and those around you aren’t drinking so you can keep at it. Try and forget about last weekend as it would’ve affected most people. School’s starting again soon so we can look forward to that 😀
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
