Sharing My Sobriety Journal
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,100
Sharing My Sobriety Journal
I've decided to share my "trying to get sober” journal. I started it Sept 2019 after many failed quits. I didn’t actually quit until Jan 2, 2020. Today, I decided to go through it and let me tell you, the level of gratitude I feel right now after 7 months of sobriety, is unbelievable. Sharing in case someone might find it helpful. I included some lessons learned at the bottom.
9/5/19 (first entry-still drinking but thinking about stopping): why I drink. Human Brain (me) vs Animal Brain (it). My human brain thinks and considers while my animal brain acts on instinct and it has been trained that alcohol is necessary for my survival. It will trick my human train. It’s a biological response that needs to be broken.
9/9/19 (exploring the CORE method-still drinking)-
COMMIT: I don’t need alcohol to live. Repeat “I will never drink again”-The negative feelings that come is the booze brain. Give it time. Look @ veronica who I work with, no trouble to tell she is fu**ed over by alcohol. Remember: the times I poured it down the drain.
OBJECTIFY: It’s not me, it’s the booze brain (automatic). I can use my thinking brain to address the booze brain urges. The booze brain doesn’t understand I can live without it.
RESPOND: Whenever booze brain urge strikes, respond in absolute terms ex. NEVER EVERY Again. Don’t argue, just tell it (note: I actually ended up quitting doing it one day at a time).
ENJOY: find enjoyments. Eating. Read. Watch TV.
9/11/19 (still drinking)-How I know drinking is a problem:
-the amount: I drank 1.5 Liters of wine on Sunday.
-I haven’t gone 24 hours without it in a long time.
-It’s hard to imagine my life without it. The thought of going to the lake without it makes me not want to go there.
-I don’t ever want to go anywhere at night or on weekendss because it interferes with my drinking.
DETOX: expect 5-7 days and sweats for the first 48 hours.
9/16/19: Day 1-no notes
9/17/19: Day 2-it was not hard at all to not have a drink last night. I don’t feel any different today like I thought I would.
9/23/19: Day 1- I didn’t make it to day 3. I ended up anxious and considering it was easy the night before to not drink, I guess I decided it was ok. But look at me now. Another weekend with so little accomplished…and the moneyL Why do I keep failing!? I drank all weekend and skipped out on a trip to the lake. I can’t find joy in doing things outside the house because it gets in the way of drinking. Just like almost every other day, my day starts with contemplating quitting. I NEED TO STOP. So sick of failing.
9/23 (4:01pm)-not looking forward to going home after work because I can’t drink. There is nothing.
9/24: day 2- I will never drink again. I know what to do because I’ve been working up to this for a long time. Just like smoking, I can do it. Main thing is keeping my stomach good but it’s getting bad already without a drink (note: I had to drink alcohol to go to the bathroom). Focus on better teeth, having more money and I don’t have to worry about making another batch of wine.
9/25: day 3-I will never drink again. Slept in a clean bed but up a dozen time. Like I got a head cold. Feeling guilty cause took yesterday off. Felt like I was going nuts yesterday. Was on my feet the who day cleaning.
9/26: day 4-I’m sober. Never drink again. Melinda dropped my last night & I felt fine. Went to moms for a visit after. My eyes are not as heavy this AM. Need to get restorlax because my stomach is getting really bad.
9/27: Day 5-I will never drink again. Gradually, I’m telling everyone (note: looking back this was a big mistake). Daughter is happy about it. This is my new life. I must stay on guard because the subconscious will try to convince me at some point that its ok to drink moderately. Moderation is ******** because I either fail or spend my time anticipating (note: that was sort of a light bulb moment)
9/29: Day 7-yesterday was hard. Bored. Ate junk. Feel like ****. Seems like eating good is so much work. As hard as it is, I’m washing daugthers shoes this morning and wouldn’t be if I was still drinking. Feeling guilty about all the things I didn’t do (note: feeling guilty was a recipe for disaster).
2:42pm: can see why I fall off. Feels like its all work and no rewards. Depressing. Got daughters shoes washed though. Alcohol is a slow death.
9/30: day 8-the weekend was hard. Ate too much. But I helped daughter with her homework that she was putting off. That would not have happended if I was drinking. So now I feel grateful and we had fun.
11:40am-feeling solid.
10/1:: day 9-Slept in. I can get some sleep now.
10:21am-so many thoughts about whether I should drink when I go to the lake. I don’t know. (note: this is the warning sign but I couldn’t see it EVEN THOUGH I had already admitted moderation is not possible)
10/3: Day 11-huge fight with daughter Tuesday night, yesterday was horrible. Bullied by someone at work (note: I can see now I was exaggerating the bullying because alcohol was messing with my perceptions and emotions). My body is getting so much stronger. My face looks clearer. I can really feel a difference. The biggest issue is going to the lake or city.
NO MORE ENTRIES UNTIL:
DEC 13/19: I drank every day since last entry. Back on the rum and whisky. (Note: I considered wine to be safer). I feel so weak. Paranoid beyond belief about husband cheating and daughter keeps telling me to get help. Even now, when I think about the bottle, I get a twinge of excitement. WHY!?!?! Having trouble keeping train of thought. My face is bad (since sept) and my house is a state. No motivation. Looking back I can see on the last day I planted the “drink occasionally” seed and that was it. Having issues keeping train of thought and problem solving. Even so, the beast will make me think its ok again (Note: I was finally understanding and internalizing the moderation issue). But that didn’t stop me….
LATER SAME DAY (I DECIDED TO RECORD MY THOUGHTS WHILE DRINKING…PERFECT EXCUSE TO DRINK)
8:57PM-a good look in the mirror. Honest look.
9:05PM:-fed the cats. Thinking about how I could be having the house decluttered instead of looking at this Pile of rubbish in my house. Feeling relaxed tho…able to not self-deprecate. Can’t wait to get the ????(not legible).
9
where’s my drink I need it now.
9:19: keep re-reading what I wrote at 9:05. Trying to make something to see tomorrow to make me stop.
9:20: going downstairs but excited about eating oven roasted potatoes.
NO MORE ENTRIES UNTIL:
JAN 2, 2020 (the day I finally quit for good and also the day I started reading and posting/journaling on SR.) Which, obviously, has made all the difference.
entry: I had my last drink for THE NEXT YEAR last night (note I stopped using forever). Will monitor: teeth, veins in leg, hip pain, pics of face and teeth). Took 1st pics this morning…disgusted but hopeful. Don’t ever rationalize drinking!
Lessons learned:
-No matter how much I knew about alcohol on an intellectual level, I still couldn’t stop because I kept falling back into the same erroneous thought processes. This is why SR has become my lifeline to being actively sober every single day. This is what I am doing right now at this moment in time. I'm staying sober by sharing my journey with you.
-The amount of energy required for me to maintain drinking was ridiculous. It’s horrifying to me now that I drank for so many years without realizing this. To a non-alcoholic, it would appear insane.
-The anxiety and paranoia I was experiencing, and trying to cure with booze, was actually caused by drinking. I was trying to correct my problem with more of the problem. I had to be sober for about 4 months before I really saw this.
-Getting up every morning with alcohol on my mind was completely draining. Today, I get myself ready easily and one load of laundry is done before I leave the house.
-Time heals-It absolutely does. I never thought life could be fulfilling without booze. But as I am learning, there is much more richness to life in sobriety.
-When I drank, and after the initial half hour of being happily sedated, my thoughts turned to being sober. So even when I was drunk, I was fantasizing about a life of sobriety! I can't imagine I'm the only one who did that.
-Gratitude is a choice and with that, I can find happiness.
-Sobriety is work, yes, but also a labour of love.
-Everyone is different but for me to achieve sobriety, I had to drop the “never forever” and go with “one day at a time”. That said, at almost 8 months sober, I can think “forever” and not cringe anymore….so that’s major progress for me.
I hope this can help someone today.
Peace and joy to you all!
9/5/19 (first entry-still drinking but thinking about stopping): why I drink. Human Brain (me) vs Animal Brain (it). My human brain thinks and considers while my animal brain acts on instinct and it has been trained that alcohol is necessary for my survival. It will trick my human train. It’s a biological response that needs to be broken.
9/9/19 (exploring the CORE method-still drinking)-
COMMIT: I don’t need alcohol to live. Repeat “I will never drink again”-The negative feelings that come is the booze brain. Give it time. Look @ veronica who I work with, no trouble to tell she is fu**ed over by alcohol. Remember: the times I poured it down the drain.
OBJECTIFY: It’s not me, it’s the booze brain (automatic). I can use my thinking brain to address the booze brain urges. The booze brain doesn’t understand I can live without it.
RESPOND: Whenever booze brain urge strikes, respond in absolute terms ex. NEVER EVERY Again. Don’t argue, just tell it (note: I actually ended up quitting doing it one day at a time).
ENJOY: find enjoyments. Eating. Read. Watch TV.
9/11/19 (still drinking)-How I know drinking is a problem:
-the amount: I drank 1.5 Liters of wine on Sunday.
-I haven’t gone 24 hours without it in a long time.
-It’s hard to imagine my life without it. The thought of going to the lake without it makes me not want to go there.
-I don’t ever want to go anywhere at night or on weekendss because it interferes with my drinking.
DETOX: expect 5-7 days and sweats for the first 48 hours.
9/16/19: Day 1-no notes
9/17/19: Day 2-it was not hard at all to not have a drink last night. I don’t feel any different today like I thought I would.
9/23/19: Day 1- I didn’t make it to day 3. I ended up anxious and considering it was easy the night before to not drink, I guess I decided it was ok. But look at me now. Another weekend with so little accomplished…and the moneyL Why do I keep failing!? I drank all weekend and skipped out on a trip to the lake. I can’t find joy in doing things outside the house because it gets in the way of drinking. Just like almost every other day, my day starts with contemplating quitting. I NEED TO STOP. So sick of failing.
9/23 (4:01pm)-not looking forward to going home after work because I can’t drink. There is nothing.
9/24: day 2- I will never drink again. I know what to do because I’ve been working up to this for a long time. Just like smoking, I can do it. Main thing is keeping my stomach good but it’s getting bad already without a drink (note: I had to drink alcohol to go to the bathroom). Focus on better teeth, having more money and I don’t have to worry about making another batch of wine.
9/25: day 3-I will never drink again. Slept in a clean bed but up a dozen time. Like I got a head cold. Feeling guilty cause took yesterday off. Felt like I was going nuts yesterday. Was on my feet the who day cleaning.
9/26: day 4-I’m sober. Never drink again. Melinda dropped my last night & I felt fine. Went to moms for a visit after. My eyes are not as heavy this AM. Need to get restorlax because my stomach is getting really bad.
9/27: Day 5-I will never drink again. Gradually, I’m telling everyone (note: looking back this was a big mistake). Daughter is happy about it. This is my new life. I must stay on guard because the subconscious will try to convince me at some point that its ok to drink moderately. Moderation is ******** because I either fail or spend my time anticipating (note: that was sort of a light bulb moment)
9/29: Day 7-yesterday was hard. Bored. Ate junk. Feel like ****. Seems like eating good is so much work. As hard as it is, I’m washing daugthers shoes this morning and wouldn’t be if I was still drinking. Feeling guilty about all the things I didn’t do (note: feeling guilty was a recipe for disaster).
2:42pm: can see why I fall off. Feels like its all work and no rewards. Depressing. Got daughters shoes washed though. Alcohol is a slow death.
9/30: day 8-the weekend was hard. Ate too much. But I helped daughter with her homework that she was putting off. That would not have happended if I was drinking. So now I feel grateful and we had fun.
11:40am-feeling solid.
10/1:: day 9-Slept in. I can get some sleep now.
10:21am-so many thoughts about whether I should drink when I go to the lake. I don’t know. (note: this is the warning sign but I couldn’t see it EVEN THOUGH I had already admitted moderation is not possible)
10/3: Day 11-huge fight with daughter Tuesday night, yesterday was horrible. Bullied by someone at work (note: I can see now I was exaggerating the bullying because alcohol was messing with my perceptions and emotions). My body is getting so much stronger. My face looks clearer. I can really feel a difference. The biggest issue is going to the lake or city.
NO MORE ENTRIES UNTIL:
DEC 13/19: I drank every day since last entry. Back on the rum and whisky. (Note: I considered wine to be safer). I feel so weak. Paranoid beyond belief about husband cheating and daughter keeps telling me to get help. Even now, when I think about the bottle, I get a twinge of excitement. WHY!?!?! Having trouble keeping train of thought. My face is bad (since sept) and my house is a state. No motivation. Looking back I can see on the last day I planted the “drink occasionally” seed and that was it. Having issues keeping train of thought and problem solving. Even so, the beast will make me think its ok again (Note: I was finally understanding and internalizing the moderation issue). But that didn’t stop me….
LATER SAME DAY (I DECIDED TO RECORD MY THOUGHTS WHILE DRINKING…PERFECT EXCUSE TO DRINK)
8:57PM-a good look in the mirror. Honest look.
9:05PM:-fed the cats. Thinking about how I could be having the house decluttered instead of looking at this Pile of rubbish in my house. Feeling relaxed tho…able to not self-deprecate. Can’t wait to get the ????(not legible).
9
where’s my drink I need it now.9:19: keep re-reading what I wrote at 9:05. Trying to make something to see tomorrow to make me stop.
9:20: going downstairs but excited about eating oven roasted potatoes.
NO MORE ENTRIES UNTIL:
JAN 2, 2020 (the day I finally quit for good and also the day I started reading and posting/journaling on SR.) Which, obviously, has made all the difference.
entry: I had my last drink for THE NEXT YEAR last night (note I stopped using forever). Will monitor: teeth, veins in leg, hip pain, pics of face and teeth). Took 1st pics this morning…disgusted but hopeful. Don’t ever rationalize drinking!
Lessons learned:
-No matter how much I knew about alcohol on an intellectual level, I still couldn’t stop because I kept falling back into the same erroneous thought processes. This is why SR has become my lifeline to being actively sober every single day. This is what I am doing right now at this moment in time. I'm staying sober by sharing my journey with you.
-The amount of energy required for me to maintain drinking was ridiculous. It’s horrifying to me now that I drank for so many years without realizing this. To a non-alcoholic, it would appear insane.
-The anxiety and paranoia I was experiencing, and trying to cure with booze, was actually caused by drinking. I was trying to correct my problem with more of the problem. I had to be sober for about 4 months before I really saw this.
-Getting up every morning with alcohol on my mind was completely draining. Today, I get myself ready easily and one load of laundry is done before I leave the house.
-Time heals-It absolutely does. I never thought life could be fulfilling without booze. But as I am learning, there is much more richness to life in sobriety.
-When I drank, and after the initial half hour of being happily sedated, my thoughts turned to being sober. So even when I was drunk, I was fantasizing about a life of sobriety! I can't imagine I'm the only one who did that.
-Gratitude is a choice and with that, I can find happiness.
-Sobriety is work, yes, but also a labour of love.
-Everyone is different but for me to achieve sobriety, I had to drop the “never forever” and go with “one day at a time”. That said, at almost 8 months sober, I can think “forever” and not cringe anymore….so that’s major progress for me.
I hope this can help someone today.
Peace and joy to you all!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 2,279
That's amazing 45. I skimmed the journal but read your lessons carefully - and whoa!!!!
SNAP
SNAP
SNAP!!!!!!!!!!!
So much in common with what you've learned, especially the bit about energy required to keep drinking. Insane for real, I'm struggling to understand how I kept it up for so long. Today I'm on holiday and have a nap at midday, sleep well, go to bed at ten, eat well (ish) and am still a bit tired...swap that for not sleeping, not eating well, drinking 1-11pm - seriously don't know how I did it
SNAP
SNAP
SNAP!!!!!!!!!!!
So much in common with what you've learned, especially the bit about energy required to keep drinking. Insane for real, I'm struggling to understand how I kept it up for so long. Today I'm on holiday and have a nap at midday, sleep well, go to bed at ten, eat well (ish) and am still a bit tired...swap that for not sleeping, not eating well, drinking 1-11pm - seriously don't know how I did it
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Location: UK
Posts: 3,944
“That said, at almost 8 months sober, I can think “forever” and not cringe anymore….so that’s major progress for me.“
That’s more than progress. That’s the holy grail of quitting.
It’s a little bit heartbreaking to say goodbye to booze forever and as for getting out the habit ..... I spent three months going to the booze aisle in my local shop and remembering I didn’t drink. I still go occasionally to check out the prices and feel smug. Not that I’ve noticed being any richer ☹️
That’s more than progress. That’s the holy grail of quitting.
It’s a little bit heartbreaking to say goodbye to booze forever and as for getting out the habit ..... I spent three months going to the booze aisle in my local shop and remembering I didn’t drink. I still go occasionally to check out the prices and feel smug. Not that I’ve noticed being any richer ☹️
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