snitchcharm

My head is spinning right now.

There are details in my post history, but long story short, I left my XAF of 7+ years on Halloween after a six-month stretch of rehabs, broken trust, and sketchy behavior (during which I'd called off the wedding, but still hoped to save the relationship). It didn't work out. After he lied to me about yet another relapse, I dropped him off at a sober living house and told him I'd always care for him and maybe we could try again after a year of sobriety. That was the last time I saw him.

I've been mostly no-contact, but I've made the mistake of checking his social media off and on. Yesterday I looked and was floored to see photos of him getting married to a woman I've never seen before. I don't know when or how they met, but they got engaged four months after our breakup, married five months after that. He proposed to her with my old engagement ring.

I was feeling pretty okay before this, but today I feel completely shattered and worthless. We were together for seven years, six of which were amazing. Even though last year was full of alcoholic BS, I found solace in the memories of the good times that came before. And even though it was highly unlikely, there was a part of me that hoped he would get his act together and we could try again someday. He told me so many times that I was the love of his life, he couldn't wait to marry me, blah blah blah.

And then he turned around and proposed to someone else four months later.

What I can't stop thinking about is how I was a rebound for him too--all the way back in 2012, we met and started dating two months after he broke up with his first serious girlfriend. Now, seeing him move on from me so fast, I can't shake the feeling he never really cared about me and he just needed a relationship to fill the void. I feel like all those years meant nothing.

Has anyone else gone through something like this with an alcoholic? How on earth did you cope? This honestly hurts more than the breakup--the feeling that all this time I was just his security blanket.

LumenandNyx

That's serious - O U C H.

I can't relate to your situation, but I'm looking forward to reading what someone who can writes.

Fallow

Hi SC, I come from the other side but I didn't want to read your thread without responding. I am sorry that you are going through this pain right now. But it will be temporary.

And honestly it sounds like you dodged a bullet. This guy is an alcoholic who was lying to you, going to rehabs, and it got so bad you had to cancel your wedding plans.

I am sure he cared about you but alcoholics are known for needing their next victim asap. I think you should be proud of yourself that you drew a line in the sand and stuck to your boundaries.

I am sure this will hurt for some time but try to remember that his life and her life will probably not be all happily ever after. The guy didn't stop being alcoholic after you broke up with him. And alcoholism is progressive.

100% no contact would probably be the best idea here.

snitchcharm

Fallow thank you so much. Definitely, going to be 100% no contact from here on out.

snitchcharm

OUCH is right :/

dandylion

snichcharm------for what it is worth, it is advised, in AA that one not indulge in a new relationship for At Least on solid year of sobriety. For good reason. Several good reasons. It doesn't sound like he is living by the principles of the Program. He has, obviously, been in the throes of alcoholism for a long time---to have spiraled as much as he did in your last year, together. Alcoholism is more than just ingesting alcohol----it is an attitude and a way of thinking and behaving. I suspect that it is likely that he had been progressing in his disease for years before you met him. It is just that he probably started losing control, a lot, during that last year. In fact, you have, undoubtedly, never known him as a sober person. It would be impossible for you to know what he would be like, if he really got into recovery long enough to make the kind of changes that true sobriety entails---change in thinking, change in attitude. changes in behaviors. These changes can take as long as 2-3 years---and, many say that it can be 4 or 5 years. It takes a strong committment and lots of work and personal time.
This new relationship. as offensive as it is to you, will probably disintegrate, eventually. Very sad, if children come into the picture. Alcoholics who are not in true and lasting recovery, are not good at relationships----the responsibility of mature relationships is just to much for them to live up to---the alcoholism takes such a toll on their development---it changes who they are.
*****An intimate relationship will bring a persons flaws and weaknesses to the surface (eventually) like nothing else can!
As someone else has already pointed out----even though it stings like *ell, for a little while----you have been spared a lot of future heartache.
This sort of thing always hurts----but, I suspect that it hits you especially hard, because I think that you have been hanging ontp to hope that you could still have the lifelong fantasy relationship with him.
This latest event has slapped you right in the face and made the demise of the relationship very, very real. Ouch, again.

I suggest that you might return to alanon for support, again. And----keep reading in the stickies (above the threads)...to learn as much as you can about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones. There is sooo much to learn. Get a copy of "Co-dependent No More" and read it....I think you will identify with a lot of it. It is an easy read. If you have already read it----read it again---lol.

velma929

Could be a lot of things going on here so I'll just toss in my speculation:

He has realized that people can and will walk away, and made a slightly better effort this time.
He is white-knuckling it with a new person who isn't aware of his history.
There could have been a deal-breaker he wasn't honest about - Kids, money, religion, lifestyle, and bride checks a box you didn't.
The new bride doesn't have the sense of self-preservation that you do, and thought a whirlwind romance and marriage was romantic.

I know a little about the last one, as Late AH and I were engaged one month after meeting and married six months later. Honestly, we did have a striking connection, it literally was very different from anything I'd experienced before, and I was petrified if I didn't marry him, I'd spend my life alone.

Angel65

This is so timely.....I broke up with the man I was desperately in love with a year ago because I just couldn't handle the abuse any longer. Recently i found out that he had moved on, which prompted a whole bunch of emotions in me. Relief, sadness, fear for her, to name a few. (Details in my Back Again thread). Last week he showed up on my doorstep saying he'd left her and was coming back to me, (he was drunk). I turned him away, and was briefly plunged into a few days of despair as the old feelings resurfaced. I was concerned that he had nowhere to go again, would spiral because I shunned him etc. Anyway, I saw on instagram that he is back with her, which was once again a relief. But last night I saw a post that said "she said yes". That set off alarm bells!!! He's only known her about 5 weeks. He's living with her and her 17 year old son in her apartment, and I'm sure he has charmed the socks off of her, like he did to me in the beginning. To be clear, this is not jealousy!!! I don't even know what to think. Last week he told me I will always be the only woman for him, how much he still loved and missed me, blah blah, and a week later "she said yes"?! How is this normal? Part of me wants to warn her what she is getting into, but the other part things maybe he can make a good life with her and it will help his recovery. I just wrote a long "letter" in my journal to him, talking about our years together, and it became more and more clear that we were not good together at all!! All those "happy times" I thought we had always had a dark side. He always felt that I was ashamed of him, and perhaps I was to a certain extent. He asked me to marry him early in our relationship and I said no---I was only recently divorced at the time and not ready to commit to anyone. She is also recently divorced. Is he looking for her to save him, too? I don't know what to think about this pattern of behavior, but it stings a little that last week he was professing undying love, and this week "she said yes".

Anyway, Snitchcharm, that's a long way of saying, I understand what you are feeling. It's a painful thing to stand by and watch, but I do think that we have both dodged a bullet. Someone else will now be worrying where they are when they don't come home, calling the ambulance when they are in bad shape, listening to the abusive rants when they are drunk.....We can return to calm in time......

snitchcharm

Dandylion, thank you--I appreciate your words!

We were just 19 when we met in college. He had everything going for him. It is really sad to think that even then he was slipping down the alcoholic path-- that I've never known him sober. But I'm starting to think that is the case after all. I definitely did still have a shred of hope that he could fix things and we could make it work, but I don't even know who he is anymore.

I am going to check out some virtual Al-Anon meetings--I haven't been to any since last year-- and will read Co-Dependent No More. I always thought my codependency issues weren't that bad since I was able to leave, but clearly not haha. Thank you again for your words.

dandylion

snich-----I am glad that you are going to focus on your own development. I think that is always the best investment that a person can make.
I will share this with you------you will find lots of definitions of co-dependency---but, the following is the one that has been the most useful to me------
"Co-dependency is not so much about a person's relationship with another, as it is about the Lack of relationship with the Self.

I do think that the fact that you were able to walk away from the destruction, at one point, does show that you do have some amount of a sense of self-preservation. That, I think, is in your favor.
Strengthen that and work with it. Like they say "work it, baby, work it"-----lol.

snitchcharm

Angel, I was just reading your post--I'm so sorry, that sounds incredibly stressful to have him show up out of nowhere! I hope he leaves you alone now and you can go back to that place of calm. I feel kind of bad for the other woman (and her son!), but he's her problem now.

It sounds like we have had a lot of similar experiences. My ex also pushed for marriage before I was ready--I wanted for him to be sober and to have a job first, but I guess that was too much to ask.

None of this is normal. I have to keep reminding myself of that!

Bekindalways

Hey Snitch, we are all unique however there are commonalities in our experiences.

Like you, I met my qualifier in college at 19. He was smart, sensitive and had scholarships coming out his ears. We were together for a rocky 5 years. He wanted to marry me. He got into meth when we were 25. I left. He said he would wait for me etc. etc. He got someone pregnant within the year . . . yep, it hurt like all holy hell.

Please do double down on taking care of yourself. This will hurt for awhile. I wish it wasn't so but it is.

There is a book I read multiple times, How to Survive the Loss of a Love. It is old and short and the best thing I ever found about grieving.

Let us know how you get on.

Ann

I think you dodged a bullet too. I know this hurts but if there is a gift in here somewhere, perhaps it is that the pain you feel may help you do some self-analysis of why you (or anyone) would feel hurt after being in a toxic relationship and escaping.

His new relationship will be no better, nor will the one after that. All it is is another person falling for the same stories and charm...that in time will show him for the person he really is. He's not showing recovery behaviour, as they say often here "Recovery looks like recovery" and he isn't looking like any of it.

I think you are wiser than you give yourself credit for...you walked away the first time and didn't fall for his second attempt to "connect". That is a good start of YOUR recovery shining. Continuing with meetings and reading "Codependent No More" are also a good move to help you find your balance again.

I think it always hurts when an ex remarries. Until you remember why you left in the first place.

You are on the right trail, Snitchcharm, grab your confidence and keep going. You will be fine. One day this won't hurt anymore.

Ann

Just to clarify, I haven't been through this personally but I watched my son in similar situations for years and it bothered me to see how people were hurt in the wake of his bad behaviour. I couldn't stop him, I couldn't save the partners, we each need to do what is best for ourselves.

FallenAngelina

There is one thing you have control over and that is how you perceive yourself. It's understandable that your world has shattered, but feeling worthless is something that only you can do to yourself. AND it's something that you can change. I'd work on that part of it and leave the rest of the issue to him. You'll never be able to figure out everything about him, but you can do a lot to not allow his choices (or anyone else's choices) to degrade your own value. Glad to hear that you're reading and participating in AlAnon. That will help you far more that trying to figure him out.

Angel65

Someone recently introduced me to the term "trauma bonding". Until I started to research, I thought there was something wrong with me that I was so devastated that this abnormal, toxic relationship was over; that I was unable to go more than two weeks without reaching out to make sure he was ok, still worrying and still caring about him after all the grief he caused me. But it is a real thing! We become addicted to this horrible cycle of being loved and "worshipped", and then berated and belittled, over and over again...so much so that when we don't have that in our lives we think we miss these men. But what we are missing is the way we felt at the very beginning when everything was new, romantic and passionate; the stuff that soon subsides once the real person shows himself. We then spend the rest of the relationship making excuses for their behavior, job losses, binges, and think that if we keep supporting them we will eventually find the happiness we had in those very first weeks. This morning I did an exercise that was suggested to help break the bond of trauma. I wrote a letter to him (which I won't send) which details the history of our relationship from beginning to end, and you know what? About two weeks of the three years were "good"....The rest was a series of painful things. I had been fondly remembering our short vacation together, for example, but when I wrote down the facts there was nothing good about it. He drank heavily the whole time, yelled at me for turning the music down in our very nice hotel room, couldn't even function for one of our excursions.....There was nothing fond to remember, but it took me writing it down to realize that. I'm not trying to diminish the fact that we did love them, and we did have a relationship that will be missed, but this exercise certainly helped me to stop romanticizing our very turbulent time together......
I am having a hard time today thinking about him moving on so quickly with someone else, but I was the one that ended our relationship, and I don't want to ever go back to the chaos of that life. I'm trying to stop obsessing about his new relationship, and to focus on what I can control as far as my future. There's no doubt he was never right for me, but he had me hooked from the beginning. He's a handsome charmer who has not one cent in his bank account, very few worldly possessions, has lost his children and his home (before me), and the only way he can have a somewhat normal life and not be on the streets is to draw another unsuspecting woman in and move into her life and home...
Intellectually I know we have dodged a bullet. He's still an active alcoholic, so I know what that means for the new woman once the lustre starts to wear off. So I need to remember to be thankful that I'm not the one dealing with it anymore.....Time will eventually heal, but in the process we have to remember to love ourselves and stop looking back.

trailmix

I understand, you had hopes and dreams with this person and they fell apart, why wouldn't you hope. That said, he obviously has a history of jumping from relationship to relationship. Do you really wish, even if he put on a good act, that you had married him? Obviously living with an alcoholic is not the relationship of your dreams, or you would have married him.

He got engaged to her with your old ring!! Right there that speaks volumes about who he is. That is incredibly tacky (and thoughtless). I don't know much about your story but I don't know that you should think that you meant nothing. He no doubt loved you as much as he can love someone, when alcohol always comes first.

You dropped him off at a sober facility. There were some BAD times. I would recommend writing a list of all of those times. Only looking at one side an not the other is not good for you really, although that is usually the default for most of us.

You were protecting yourself, you did the right thing. Is he the man of your dreams, obviously not, but there is someone out there for you, you deserve much better from a relationship don't you think?

Sleepyhollo

As much as it hurts,.....he found his next victim and more than likely hooked her before she figures out what he is really like. Alcoholics are notorious for moving on quickly and charming the pants off someone new. It is totally normal that it hurts your feelings. But be glad it wasn’t you, he did you a favor. She will regret it sooner or later.

snitchcharm

I think all these things might be a little bit true. Thank you--intellectually I know it isn't about me or my shortcomings, but it's hard to internalize that.

I hope you are doing well these days!

snitchcharm

Bekindalways, thank you so much. I just reread the stickied post about "potential." It's hard when we've glimpsed that in the past, to let go of the idea that we could get it back. I will definitely check out that book.