Guilt
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 146
Guilt
So, one of the things I have been working through is this incredible guilt I feel about prioritizing my care. Historically I have not been one to put myself first--I take care of everyone else always. I have known this is a problem for ages and am working on it. I felt so good at the beginning of this year and even into quarantine because I was finally paying attention to myself and working on my ish and for the first time maybe ever didn't feel guilty about putting myself first. I even told my husband that I was taking the rest of the year off. Right now is super rough because with everything going on in my country and hurricane season coming up I feel like I reeeeeeaaaaalllllly need to be plugged in and such but I can barely scroll through my facebook feed without wanting to drink. Some of this is tied into my trauma history and some just my sense of being a good citizen and probably also a little bit about being a "good codependent." I feel guilty about everything and am kinda considering that maybe I can't live a life in the world and need to just cloister in the woods somewhere. I feel guilty that I feel guilty. And I feel guilty that this is impacting me so much--I honestly don't know how anyone lived through 1968, but somehow they did and here I am just crumbling. I have this overwhelming fear that if I'm not constantly on top of everything that is going on something catastrophic is going to happen. I know how irrational that sounds, and it feels very real.
I don't know what I need. I feel like I constantly ask for permission to take care of myself which is such a weird thing because I'm a grown-ass woman. I don't know why this is triggering the urge to drink so intensely. I know I can't drink because I'm pretty sure I'm going to die one of these days if I ever do again. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm sorry this is the running theme of my posts. What a GD year to be sober.
I don't know what I need. I feel like I constantly ask for permission to take care of myself which is such a weird thing because I'm a grown-ass woman. I don't know why this is triggering the urge to drink so intensely. I know I can't drink because I'm pretty sure I'm going to die one of these days if I ever do again. I just don't know what to do with myself. I'm sorry this is the running theme of my posts. What a GD year to be sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
hey PK
ever heard the thing about the oxygen mask on the aeroplane?
The idea is in a crisis we oxygenate ourselves first - because without that we're no good to anyone else anyway.
There are millions and millions of people all experiencing different reactions to current events.
All these reactions are valid - well most of them, anyway....
I don't know how anyone keeps 'on top of a year' like we've had so far.
It seems ludicrous to even type it
.
Sounds like an impossible ask to me. Raising the personal bar so high you can't clear it.
I'm not stranger to those - they were a major part of why I drank.
Each of is is a multi faceted complex human being, bring ourselves to the mix.
Its the old Dr Seuss thing - there is noone alive who is youer than you.
All any of us can do is our best PK. Day to day.
If you need to oxygenate yourself for a while, for heavens sake do that - how could anyone of us look down on you for doing that?
take care -
D
ever heard the thing about the oxygen mask on the aeroplane?
The idea is in a crisis we oxygenate ourselves first - because without that we're no good to anyone else anyway.
There are millions and millions of people all experiencing different reactions to current events.
All these reactions are valid - well most of them, anyway....
I don't know how anyone keeps 'on top of a year' like we've had so far.
It seems ludicrous to even type it
.
Sounds like an impossible ask to me. Raising the personal bar so high you can't clear it.
I'm not stranger to those - they were a major part of why I drank.
Each of is is a multi faceted complex human being, bring ourselves to the mix.
Its the old Dr Seuss thing - there is noone alive who is youer than you.
All any of us can do is our best PK. Day to day.
If you need to oxygenate yourself for a while, for heavens sake do that - how could anyone of us look down on you for doing that?
take care -
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
We, who are living our life in recovery have to step back, relax,
take a deep breath, meditate, say our Serenity Prayer, not to take
ourselves too seriously, remembering progress in our recovery
life, our program, not perfection.
I, myself, in the way I was raised, had to maintain my parents
house to perfection. I lived for 18, 19 yrs under the thumb of a
beautiful lady, yet sick with her own demons, placed upon me
with verbal, physical, emotional abuse.
The house I lived in had to be immaculate. Perfect day in and
day out. That was the most important thing I needed and had
to do in order to survive her wrath. When it didnt meet her satisfaction,
I caught hell from her.
Her reign over me affected me deeply inside and out.
Fast forward, I drank, almost ended my life a few times, survived,
entered recovery, help raised 2 amazing kids who are living amazing
lives today, Thank God.
Perfection still runs rapid thru my veins at times and have to
reel it in and use the tools and knowledge of a recovery program
taught to me 29 yrs ago in all my daily affairs to help me achieve,
health and serenity.
When something doesn't go right in my moment, I tend to want
to clean up, organize, pull every little weed growing from the yard
just so I can feel some sort of control.
That's it, control. and yet I know I cant control the world. I cant
control other people, places or things the way I want them to be.
It's impossible and if I try, I wear myself out trying. So why do it?
It's crazy.
I know that I just have to progress to be the best healthy person
I can possibly be and it doesn't have to be perfect. No, I wont let
things go in the house, or let my appearance suffer, but over the
yrs, what had to be so perfect, doesn't have to be today and that's
okay.
I wont die from it.
All I have to do is take care of what ever is in front of me at the
moment. Nothing more. If I take care of one thing today, then ive
accomplished something. Better than nothing at all.
In rehab, I was always made up before any activity. Before meals,
before group, before exercise. You wouldn't catch me going out of
the house not made up. Make up, dress up, every hair in place.
I tried in rehab to go to group sessions as was told to do and ….
well, I left off the lipstick and that was it. It was taught to me about
us wearing a mask in life. Hiding behind the mask we wear so
no one would see how we really felt. If I was always made up
then no one would see the real me.
Over the yrs, continuing to live and learn my life in recovery,
may of those mask ive worn over the yrs have come off. Slowly
but surely. And you know what, I didnt scare anyone away.
Ive come to realize that folks dont care. They dont spend their
time talking about me not wearing lipstick or the way I look. I
mean, I blend in.
How often do people think about me. Not as often as Id think
they do. They have their own agendas and life that they are
not gonna think of the way I look. That to me is comforting.
Who cares.
A lot of this distorted thinking can be changed within ourselves
with work from theraphyist if needed. We learn to work on ourselves
and reverse the damage done from the past so we can live with
ourselves peacefully.
Also, when we help other folks, we get out of ourselves and
place the focus on something or someone else. So that we
are not self absorbing. Or into self centeredness. Selfishness.
Self loathing.
We dont have to be the center of the universe. That we are
one amongst many. One more piece of a puzzle that makes
up a beautiful picture.
I dont know if any of what I wrote makes any sense.
As time goes on and you continue to work on yourself
and your recovery, things will begin to become clearer.
Just keep working and learning and be the kind to yourself
because, you, we, us are worth happiness and serenity.
take a deep breath, meditate, say our Serenity Prayer, not to take
ourselves too seriously, remembering progress in our recovery
life, our program, not perfection.
I, myself, in the way I was raised, had to maintain my parents
house to perfection. I lived for 18, 19 yrs under the thumb of a
beautiful lady, yet sick with her own demons, placed upon me
with verbal, physical, emotional abuse.
The house I lived in had to be immaculate. Perfect day in and
day out. That was the most important thing I needed and had
to do in order to survive her wrath. When it didnt meet her satisfaction,
I caught hell from her.
Her reign over me affected me deeply inside and out.
Fast forward, I drank, almost ended my life a few times, survived,
entered recovery, help raised 2 amazing kids who are living amazing
lives today, Thank God.
Perfection still runs rapid thru my veins at times and have to
reel it in and use the tools and knowledge of a recovery program
taught to me 29 yrs ago in all my daily affairs to help me achieve,
health and serenity.
When something doesn't go right in my moment, I tend to want
to clean up, organize, pull every little weed growing from the yard
just so I can feel some sort of control.
That's it, control. and yet I know I cant control the world. I cant
control other people, places or things the way I want them to be.
It's impossible and if I try, I wear myself out trying. So why do it?
It's crazy.
I know that I just have to progress to be the best healthy person
I can possibly be and it doesn't have to be perfect. No, I wont let
things go in the house, or let my appearance suffer, but over the
yrs, what had to be so perfect, doesn't have to be today and that's
okay.
I wont die from it.
All I have to do is take care of what ever is in front of me at the
moment. Nothing more. If I take care of one thing today, then ive
accomplished something. Better than nothing at all.
In rehab, I was always made up before any activity. Before meals,
before group, before exercise. You wouldn't catch me going out of
the house not made up. Make up, dress up, every hair in place.
I tried in rehab to go to group sessions as was told to do and ….
well, I left off the lipstick and that was it. It was taught to me about
us wearing a mask in life. Hiding behind the mask we wear so
no one would see how we really felt. If I was always made up
then no one would see the real me.
Over the yrs, continuing to live and learn my life in recovery,
may of those mask ive worn over the yrs have come off. Slowly
but surely. And you know what, I didnt scare anyone away.
Ive come to realize that folks dont care. They dont spend their
time talking about me not wearing lipstick or the way I look. I
mean, I blend in.
How often do people think about me. Not as often as Id think
they do. They have their own agendas and life that they are
not gonna think of the way I look. That to me is comforting.
Who cares.
A lot of this distorted thinking can be changed within ourselves
with work from theraphyist if needed. We learn to work on ourselves
and reverse the damage done from the past so we can live with
ourselves peacefully.
Also, when we help other folks, we get out of ourselves and
place the focus on something or someone else. So that we
are not self absorbing. Or into self centeredness. Selfishness.
Self loathing.
We dont have to be the center of the universe. That we are
one amongst many. One more piece of a puzzle that makes
up a beautiful picture.
I dont know if any of what I wrote makes any sense.
As time goes on and you continue to work on yourself
and your recovery, things will begin to become clearer.
Just keep working and learning and be the kind to yourself
because, you, we, us are worth happiness and serenity.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Georgia, USA
Posts: 2,229
I'm sending you a big hug, PK. I know how you feel, and I bet a lot if not most of us do. You put it really well.
I read on one of these threads, so sorry I can't recall who or where, someone said they are giving themselves a blanket forgiveness for their entire past, and forgiving everyone else, too. Just starting fresh from now. I love that idea, and I think its very helpful.
I hope you feel better fast. Please don't drink, it would make everything so much worse in your world.
I read on one of these threads, so sorry I can't recall who or where, someone said they are giving themselves a blanket forgiveness for their entire past, and forgiving everyone else, too. Just starting fresh from now. I love that idea, and I think its very helpful.
I hope you feel better fast. Please don't drink, it would make everything so much worse in your world.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
Big hugs from me too prettiekittie.
I suffer massive guilt too, but have found the longer I am sober the stronger I become. And with this strength comes the ability to let go of the guilt because I know I am worth it. And so are you.
I suffer massive guilt too, but have found the longer I am sober the stronger I become. And with this strength comes the ability to let go of the guilt because I know I am worth it. And so are you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Historically I have not been one to put myself first--I take care of everyone else always.
The best way I can take care of others is to not drink. If I feel guilty about doing what I have to do in order to not drink, then I am really only thinking about self and not others. I need to think about others in order to get out of self.
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