dorsetdaughter1

Dear all,

This is my first time writing on any sort of website like this. I feel I have lost hope. It's my nineteenth birthday in a few weeks, I should be thrilled. With an alcoholic father and covid-19 leaving me no forms of escapism (I go to university but have had to move back home because of covid). I'm not exactly sure how this birthday will go. I've come on here to try and find people who I can relate to who aren't my direct friends and family. I wish to exchange thoughts and feelings and ask peoples advice on how to try and cope or help with my dads severe alcoholism because I feel I am approaching some sort of breaking point, (if that's even possible at 18). I don't want to ever appear to be seeking attention or not coming from a place of honesty or this is some elaborated sob story. How personal do people get on here? I mean I know it's anonymous but can I really just flat out say what's happening day to day and expect people to respond? To put it simply, I can finally feel the affects of living with my alcoholic father and the trauma I have been subject too is catching up with me. He is a generous, hardworking, funny man contradicted with his drunk alter ego which consists of manipulation, aggression and paranoia. He is my dad and I love him but he is so unpredictable I have to live like I am walking on eggshells. I'm not sure what to do. He has been to rehabilitation centres many times, even before I was born, admitted himself into therapy or help centres then left, we've asked him to leave home, he leaves then comes back, we want him to stay. My mother is heavily involved however with problems of her own she often finds it difficult to commit to one decision, as we all do. It's as if my household holds two versions of each of us, the version when my dad is drunk where the truth, desperation and hurt comes out, and then the house when my dad is temporarily sober, we pretend and sort of get on just fine. Theres five of us you see, me, my older sister, older brother, mum and dad. My dads suffers from extreme paranoia once he's had a drink and so often pushes that his drinking is all our fault and he is going to leave/never come back. Of course once he's sober the next day he stays because he knows what an idiot he's been, but nothing is ever really addressed or spoken about because he is very ashamed of his alcoholism and rejects all discussions that hold strong emotions/importance. We have always given him the opportunity to leave if he truly wants too but of course I would never wish for that, he will always be my dad.

This sound familiar to people? I am so fortunate that I even have a family or a dad but I feel his actions are so severe, thread by thread the labels of "father" are being removed. Recently my anxieties have widened and filled every corner of my life. Hmm I wonder why? This is already therapeutic just writing my thoughts down and no ones even read it yet (if they will). This has been random but I need something new and an outsiders perspective into my situation because it is getting seriously bad.

Even if you just want to ask questions please do, or explain your situation and I can ask questions? I'm not sure how this works but I'm willing to give anything new a try, especially because I can't access therapy at the moment. Some very kind people on here have offered books for me to read and suggested posting on here as it relates more to me.

Thankyou,

dorsetdaughter1.

Achnasheen

Sending you hugs, I don't have any good advice but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you are experiencing such a challenging and difficult situation. And yes, if you feel like you are reaching a breaking point, that is a valid feeling, it doesn't matter your age.
Is there ways that you can distance from your father, say by leaving the room, or if you are able to go outside? Just to get a break from things.
I hope you find some help here, my heart goes out to you.

Nd819

Welcome and I am happy you are reaching out. I have received a lot of support and wonderful advice from these forums. I think the most important thing you can do is distance yourself as much as you can from your father and try and take care of your own mental health. Figure out what makes you feel good and emotionally balanced, maybe a hobby? Taking a walk, listening to music, something short term to help settle your nerves. For the long term I feel like groups like alanon or alateen could be really helpful for you as well, will give you people to talk to who are truly in your shoes. It must be really hard living in your situation. Big hugs to you!

trailmix

Hi dorsetdaughter! Really glad you decided to post.

I also had an alcoholic Father and two siblings. He is no longer here however, I know what you are saying. We also had "2" households, the semi-normal one (although when not drunk, my Father was pretty much silent - when I was say, a teen).

He worked away a lot so that gave us some breaks. My Mother was great, so that helped a great deal.

I remember once finding a birthday or Father's day card that my younger Sister and I had given my Dad when we were kids and it was a love you Dad kind of card and I couldn't relate to it at all.

I think, as you get older, you realize, as you have mentioned, that what a Father is/should be, does not apply in your situation and you start to leave that all behind, I did. So what's the solution to that? A hard look at it. He is who he is and that is an alcoholic and that probably comes along with a host of other problems as you have mentioned.

This covid lock down won't go on forever. You will be free again to pursue your studies and be away from home. Once you are out working you need never live there again, perhaps that thought will help. While you are studying is it possible to work even part time and put away some money so your living out options are greater when you graduate?

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's). Your Father's alcoholism is not for you to correct, he will drink or not as he wishes. You just need to look after yourself.

California123

I can relate to what you are dealing with, and yes its very tough. My dad is an alcoholic and many of the things you describe, I lived (and live) too. You want your dad to be healthy, you want him to be the nice and fun guy who is there half the time. It's a very tough situation. The only thing likely to change is your acceptance of it. Not beating yourself up trying to change it or beat yourself up that you can't. You have to try to develop the mindset that it is out of your control. He is going to do what he does and you can't change it. It sucks for sure and is very hard for a younger person. I don't know exactly the best way but what you say to yourself in your own mind will help. You seem positive about alot of things. Keep that approach, there are always people far worse off than you are, in similar situations and others. You have a family that loves you, thats a blessing. It won't be perfect, nothing ever is. Try to focus on the positive things that you experience with family, even him. And as hard as it might be right now, I guarantee you someday this will be easier to handle. And for sure, post on here as much as you want, it will be so helpful. The fact is, there are millions of kids going thru the exact same thing as we speak, and many of those on here have in the past and are still dealing with it in the present. Knowing you aren't alone and getting good advice from experienced people will give you just a little bit of extra support and confidence as you deal with this long journey. It may not get better for your dad, but it will get much better for you in time!

Tacotuesday

My point of view probably relates closer to your mother than yours 😉. But I’m so sorry that you have to go through this & this is definitely a safe place to vent your frustrations & feelings. It really sucks that you can’t have a dad who is just a dad & not all the things alcohol turns dads into. Big hugs.

dorsetdaughter1

To all who replied, thank you so much, I already feel the benefits of posting on here and venting emotions, I will defiantly take your pieces of advice and I love that concept of the three c's as it is so hard to battle the feelings of guilt when around alcoholics. I hope you are all keeping well and staying safe.

SmallButMighty

Hi DD1, I understand what you are going through. My father was also an alcoholic. He always provided for us and he was never violent. He could be verbally and emotionally mean to my mum sometimes. My mum was/is a codependent, she put up with that way of life for 50 years until his lifestyle caught up to him. He's been gone a few years now.

When I wasn't much older than you I married my first husband. They say girls marry men like their fathers, but I was sure I'd done a good job of avoiding that trap. After all, my guy was way more kind and respectful to me than my dad ever was to my mum. He was physically affectionate and he didn't condescend to me. He told every one I was his best friend and "partner in crime", he never cared when his buddies made fun of him for actually liking and wanting to be around his wife. obviously I had picked a much better mate than my mother right?.... WRONG... I'd also picked an alcoholic. And I became just as codependent as my mother. I ended up raising my two kids in the same alcoholic/codependent parental dynamic that I was raised it. I repeated the cycle. I deeply regret that.

When my daughter was about your age, just a year or two older, I had just left her dad after 26years together. She found herself in a relationship with a young man who had a drinking problem. She was at her wits end because she loved this guy and his family.. and they loved her. Her own family had just been ripped apart and her heart and mind were all in pain, confusion and fear. I had her read a book that had changed my life, and helped me to manage the anxiety I had been experiencing as my marriage fell apart. The book is called "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty. I wish I had have read it at your age and not when I was a middle aged woman with teenage children. I am glad I read it when I did, but my life would have been different if I had applied the tools I learned from reading that book a whole lot sooner. I strongly, strongly, suggest you read this book DD1. It helped my understand so much about myself and my husband, and my dad and my mum and my grandparents, and my in laws and so many of my friends and their families. It helped me learn how to cope with the chaos that addiction had created in my life. I live a better, more peaceful life because of the things I learned from reading that book. You don't have to identify as "codepenedent" to gain a lot of good insights from this book.

I have faith my daughter will not repeat the mistakes myself and so many other people in my family have made in our relationships, and a very large part of that is due to her having read "Codependent No More" and then choosing to further educate herself of the family diseases of alcoholism and codependence.

I am sorry you are going through this stuff DD1. All of us here know all to well just exactly what it feels like to love someone with an addiction. It doesn't feel fair, because it is NOT.

You get as many hugs from me as you need my new friend.

Bekindalways

Welcome DD. I super glad you found us and I hope you find support here.

My family of origin was not alcoholic so I haven't lived in your situation. I do know plenty of folks who have lived in your situation; it sounds so ding dang dad blasted tough . . . that isn't really the most accurate words to describe the situation but we try to be family friendly here (-;

Being in quarantine with your family right now must be difficult.

Please let us know how you are doing. Big hug.

Onefortheditch

As a mother who allowed an alcoholic into my house... I feel guilty every day for subjecting my kids to it. I’ve seen the effect his selfish behaviour has had on his own children too, and is still having. I feel for you