I messed up

Old 05-25-2020, 08:34 AM
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I messed up

I know, I need to work on myself. To know why I just could not stay away...I have a session this afternoon FYI. And I already had the exam and bloodwork for STD testing waiting for results (also just an FYI). I guess this is just a warning for those who don’t heed advice on this forum...which has been me. And I regret it.

Reconnected with M this weekend. Per usual, first night was great. Long talk, he wants a life with me, he has missed me so much, he will be a good man to me...I told him I wish I had met him before and his response was that doesn’t matter we just start from here.

next day hanging out..I went for a run in the am, shower, grilling and music...a fun spring day with a witty and charming man.and we start having sex. Yes, face palm...but he stops Awhile we are doing it and starts accusing me of having f$&ked someone while I was at the beach. & how it’s fine he just wants to know, he wants the truth and he wants me to tell him all about it. i Was shocked because I went to that beach for solitude...& yeah if I did meet someone I would tell him because we were over. But at this point I think ok this is a kinky thing...I keep insisting no, haven’t been with anyone. We finish, go about our evening. I try talking to him about it and say look I know you have been with a ton of women but I can count on one hand my partners. I didn’t do that. And he says just relax, drop it...I know you did and I just wish you would come clean. But let’s drop it.

we went out and yes, we both drank. He drank more than I have ever seen, but still was a jovial guy, whispering in my ear how much he loves met etc. On the Uber ride home he mentions how it would be nice if I started paying for things once in a while, since I know he had that break in employment. I said I do chip in and you would be out spending $$ drinking even if I wasn’t here don’t put that on me.”

We get home—-“I know you f$&ked someone at the beach & I don’t care, just confess.” Now I had been drinking and I yelled and smacked his hand. He flew into a rage and told me to get the F out of his house. Now! You hit me! Get out now!

it was 3 am and I am drunk. I couldn’t leave. And I told him that...he starts running through his house yelling how he does everything, I never do s$it for him, etc. Calms down and sits on the couch. Starts rocking back and forth, crying—“I think they spiked my drink. I see animals. Did you see that?”
at this point I am scared. he says he sees animals running through the living room. I am also not sober enough to leave. He starts about his wife, I have a wife so we can’t be together. He loves her. A few mins later he hated her. She beats him. How I need to just go, how all women are the same and after a few months they go crazy on him. And I will too. Then he says his wife doesn’t exist. Asks me to go buy cigarettes . Tell him he knows I spent all my cash. He says you have credit cards. I said oh so that’s what this is? I am an ATM? He got super angry again and said how can i think that’s all this was ver about. I said I think that’s hat it’s about now. He again tells me to GTFO. I again tell him why I can’t and beg to at least stay on the couch. He says no I want you in my bed next to me

Then how he needs to save his house. How if I help him save his house we can sell it for a profit and buy a big house together. A few mins later, no no it’s all on me to save this house. Me and my wife. I said oh ok...so she can help you. He said she won’t do **** for me, she has $30,000 in the bank and won’t give me a dime. I said well you are divorcing right? So why would she? I said what’s she going to say if you move to Pasadena with that woman? He said oh it will be a whole thing...

He passed out. I tried to sleep, just in shock. He was never violent before. And I mean like verbally...he still wasn’t physically violent. I am also in shock at my behavior. I can’t believe I slapped his hand. I can’t believe I slept with him again. Just got home to my place, safe and sound. Saw him this morning and it was just ok bye and a quick peck on the lips.
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Old 05-25-2020, 09:03 AM
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Maddoc, none of this is about the particular details of each and every encounter, though they do show everything is escalating.
it isn't about the stories he tells, and the logic you try to find or impose on them.
you are getting in deeper and deeper.
if you really don't want to, really want to get better, blocking him entirely is a good first step.
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Old 05-25-2020, 09:46 AM
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Maddoc----breakups are hard---but, you are making it harder than it has to be. This means that I will be repeating myself, but, I will do it again.
You are making it harder to stay away by the following things, I think-----triggering bonding hormones by the horizonal tango/intermittent reinforcement (the most powerful kind00google it)/and drinking alcohol which lowers ones inhibitions.
Horizonal Tango----causes the release of oxytocin----the powerful hormones that causes even mothers to bond with their newborn.
And, the wonderful doopamine----the neurotransmitter that causes to seek and repeat pleasurable actions. It acts, mostly on the pleasure centers in the midbrain. It causes us to seek food and entertainment or just about anything that gives us pleasure. Especially food and sex! Same, with drugs like cocaine, etc. It is very active in all addictions. including alcoholism.
Every tune you interact with him, that is intermittent reinforcement, after you have blocked him. You can google it---as it is the most powerful kind of reinforcement.
Drinking with him-----the alcohol releases your inhibitions, and you will be more likely to do things that your sober self wouldn't do. Like slapping his hand. Or having sex when you wouldn't usually. This is because the alcohol interfere with the frontal lobe of your brain---where the executive functions reside---reasoning, judgement, planning, etc.

All of these factors, added together, are setting you up for the kind of evening that you just described.
I am glad that you are seeing the counselor, because there are, as you say, dynamics of why you are attracted to this guy. the list of potential factors is, likely, quite long-----
You might want to read the long post that Velma wrote to Ituvia this morning, about relationships....it is quite good.
I will, also, be looking for another song to dedicate to you.
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Old 05-25-2020, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Maddoc----breakups are hard---but, you are making it harder than it has to be. This means that I will be repeating myself, but, I will do it again.
You are making it harder to stay away by the following things, I think-----triggering bonding hormones by the horizonal tango/intermittent reinforcement (the most powerful kind00google it)/and drinking alcohol which lowers ones inhibitions.
Horizonal Tango----causes the release of oxytocin----the powerful hormones that causes even mothers to bond with their newborn.
And, the wonderful doopamine----the neurotransmitter that causes to seek and repeat pleasurable actions. It acts, mostly on the pleasure centers in the midbrain. It causes us to seek food and entertainment or just about anything that gives us pleasure. Especially food and sex! Same, with drugs like cocaine, etc. It is very active in all addictions. including alcoholism.
Every tune you interact with him, that is intermittent reinforcement, after you have blocked him. You can google it---as it is the most powerful kind of reinforcement.
Drinking with him-----the alcohol releases your inhibitions, and you will be more likely to do things that your sober self wouldn't do. Like slapping his hand. Or having sex when you wouldn't usually. This is because the alcohol interfere with the frontal lobe of your brain---where the executive functions reside---reasoning, judgement, planning, etc.

All of these factors, added together, are setting you up for the kind of evening that you just described.
I am glad that you are seeing the counselor, because there are, as you say, dynamics of why you are attracted to this guy. the list of potential factors is, likely, quite long-----
You might want to read the long post that Velma wrote to Ituvia this morning, about relationships....it is quite good.
I will, also, be looking for another song to dedicate to you.
thanks...yes, I was weak and reconnected after a stressful incident with my estranged husband and two glasses of wine. Def not a good idea

Ots probably messed up but what hurts the most is the accusation of cheating...& it was just such a crude way...I have only slept with three partners in my life and for him to just completely call me a liar about sometime that, it breaks my heart more than his drinking or mind games. I also do recognize it for what it is—-deflection. I found those balled up jeans and panties after we had been part a week and told him “ok fine you slept with someone. Jut admit it and tell me who” and he denied denied denied. Now he is saying the same to me...


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Old 05-25-2020, 09:55 AM
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Remember how someone here asked if he’d hit you up for money yet? Here it is.

If nothing else, in the name of all that’s holy, stop drinking with him. You make super ****** choices when you do and it seems to break your ******** detector. You realize he could have called the cops and claim you assaulted him, right? It’s happened.

This guy is poison. He will always be poison and it will only get worse. Doesn’t matter what he SAYS...he just flaps his gums and you attach real meaning to it...why?

Didn’t you say you had a lot to lose? If you keep going back, all that’s gone. It’s just a question of time.

I wish you well.
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Old 05-25-2020, 10:02 AM
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Maddoc-----here is another song for you, that I promised.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...tail&FORM=VIRE
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Old 05-25-2020, 10:21 AM
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Maddox, please lose this man’s number. He is light years away from
being ready for any kind of relationship—and that includes friends and friends with benefits. He is very messed up, and needs serious help. And you are singularly wired right now to NOT be able to provide that for him. In the meantime, you are neglecting yourself.
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Old 05-25-2020, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Maddoc78 View Post
It's probably messed up but what hurts the most is the accusation of cheating...& it was just such a crude way...I have only slept with three partners in my life and for him to just completely call me a liar about sometime that, it breaks my heart more than his drinking or mind games. I also do recognize it for what it is—-deflection. I found those balled up jeans and panties after we had been part a week and told him “ok fine you slept with someone. Jut admit it and tell me who” and he denied denied denied. Now he is saying the same to me...
He’s getting what he wants with pushing that button of yours...it puts you on the defensive. Same with “you hate me.” Both get you scrambling around to prove your devotion to him...in the meantime, he’s lied to you about pretty much everything...his marriage, his finances, his screwing around, his house...yet somehow you’re defending your behavior?

🤷🏻‍♀️



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Old 05-25-2020, 11:35 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Maddoc-----here is another song for you, that I promised.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...tail&FORM=VIRE
thanks...it’s funny I have always loved that song
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Old 05-25-2020, 11:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Maddoc78 View Post
thanks...it’s funny I have always loved that song
Me, too...saw Dreamgirls with the original cast on Broadway.

I will point out, however, that Effie loses the man AND her job, torch song notwithstanding.

Just saying...
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Old 05-25-2020, 12:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain View Post
Me, too...saw Dreamgirls with the original cast on Broadway.

I will point out, however, that Effie loses the man AND her job, torch song notwithstanding.

Just saying...
yes...& he was a POS lol
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Old 05-25-2020, 12:02 PM
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Aries----Yes! That is one of the "messages" in that song! I think that she is like bird beating her wings against a stone wall. So relatable and, yet so tragic, for her.
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Old 05-25-2020, 12:15 PM
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Jennifer Holiday blew.the.roof.off that theatre...NO ONE was even breathing.

It stopped the show for a good ten minutes!
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Old 05-25-2020, 01:44 PM
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Aries------that had to be an experience of a lifetime, to see it in person! I am envious----lol.

Here is another song-----about fatal attraction---dangerous temptation
I think that you and maddoc might like it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E9bbfV2z3c
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Old 05-25-2020, 06:10 PM
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Here’s an old song, but Annie Lennox says it perfectly...

Would I Lie to You
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Old 05-25-2020, 09:59 PM
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Hi, Maddoc. Like you, I had a very morbid fascination with AXBF's behavior. Why does he say one thing one day and something else another day? Why does he say he loves me when he treats me so terribly? It took me a very long time to learn that you can't use logic to figure out an illogical person, and the only way I could ever gain any objectivity was through distance. I hope you can turn your inquiry inward. As many have already pointed out, it is a much better use of your time to figure out why you keep going back for more.
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Old 05-26-2020, 08:10 AM
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Maddoc, I think you really need to focus on why you find this type of person attractive, it's not healthy. He sounds so crazy and twisted that I really fear for your safety, even if he is not violent things are clearly escalating. This man will drag you down with him. I am saying this from my heart and not to be harsh but you choosing this person is really more about the work you need to do then his. What would you tell your daughter or sister who was involved with this kind of person? Please take care of yourself and block him. ((hugs))
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Old 05-27-2020, 09:08 PM
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Heya Maddoc, sorry again that this happened.

It is often advised to come up with a plan. What are you going to do to keep yourself away from this guy? What will you do if you get a craving to call him? Think about what caused you to cave this last time and try to avoid those behaviors/situations?

This is super tough stuff here. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.
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Old 05-28-2020, 06:31 AM
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Originally Posted by Bekindalways View Post
Heya Maddoc, sorry again that this happened.

It is often advised to come up with a plan. What are you going to do to keep yourself away from this guy? What will you do if you get a craving to call him? Think about what caused you to cave this last time and try to avoid those behaviors/situations?

This is super tough stuff here. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.
Thanks...I appreciate the support and acknowledgement that this is difficult. My girlfriends just keep saying block him, move on, you deserve better and will find someone better easily. They don’t get that...SOMETHING drew me to him...and still does. That is something I need to figure out to break this pattern. It’s also as someone else posted a “morbid fascination”—-not just with him per se but that there are people like this...I have lived a sheltered life and could never have imagined myself in this situation or tolerating this. And yeah, I care about him—-or the version of him when he isn’t ********* drunk.

He hasn’t contacted me since I left his house Monday morning. And I am ashamed to say, it makes me sad! And wonder if he hasn’t because he has already moved on or is spending the time with someone else. Being so easily replaced is a crappy feeling, no matter how much I tell myself he isn’t worthy of me anyway. My friends (& it seems you all here) are positive he will reach out again, but I personally think he is done with me (he is desperate for $$ for the house), so I haven’t even thought of what to do or how to handle if he calls. Probably should.
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Old 05-28-2020, 06:41 AM
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So you can spend a lot of energy trying to figure out if he's going to contact you again and when (believe me, I know!), or you can step back, accept that his absence makes you sad, and examine where that comes from. (Hint: it doesn't come from him and this specific action).

Learning how to handle tough situations like this is not a quick process. Knowing what to say when he calls is a short-term thing. You need to know (and really, not answering at all is probably your strongest choice at this time), but it's not the end-game. The end-game is having strong, healthy boundaries about the kind of treatment you deserve and respect that make handling situations like this easy.
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