prettiekittie

NPR published this really nice piece of US Congressman Henry Johnson discussing his addiction (he's in longterm recovery) and how addiction is a public health issue and society shouldn't give up on addicts. I had such a good cry reading the article. He's in a position of authority and influence and he gets it. I have spent so much time feeling ashamed, have been working through it, and it was just nice to wake up and read the piece and feel like someone was shining a light on the humanity of folx like me which is so frequently unseen. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand then I read the comment section. Mistake. I'm just feeling mowed over. I know that I have caused a lot of pain that I can't undo. I don't know how I'm supposed to reconcile that I have felt so humiliated at the very fact of my existence if I am still the scum of the earth when I'm doing my GD best. Sometimes I just cannot deal with the shame. Maybe I'm too early in recovery to hear about the hurt and how addicts are garbage, throw away people who don't deserve goodness. It's hard to be compassionate to myself right now.

Just wanted to get this out of my body. Feeling bad this morning. This is probably just some self pitying ******** but it's weighing on me today.

sortofhomecomin

Can identify.

Anna

I understand what you're saying. I had to be careful what I read early on in my recovery because it didn't take much to cause me to spiral. The hardest part of recovery for me has been dealing with the shame and guilt I created in my life. For me, forgiveness was slow coming and it didn't come all at once. It was an ongoing process. Journaling helped me get through those feelings.

Never lose sight of the fact you are a good person who has made some mistakes. Maya Angelou's quote was a mantra to me - "I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better".

Dee74

I'm sorry the comments were hurtful.

I almost never read comments these days - I console myself with the thought that there's an army of 13 yo olds out there posting and not grown adult folk, but I dunno....

We are not our addiction. Our addiction is all kinds of nasty. We are not.
We're just the same decent folks as anyone else...and maybe even a little better than those internet commentators?




D

Misssy2

Few thoughts...alcoholics/addicts are not the only people causing pain out there...You are not the only one who has caused pain over alcohol abuse...I know it feels like you are but you are not I also caused pain over my alcohol abuse. But you said it and my psychiatrist said it...something about "humanity" when you deal with humans...its complicated...doesn't mean your a mess, doesn't mean you are a failure because you drank alcohol....Some people may want to make you feel that way but you have to remember no one can "make" you feel anything....we let them make us feel like ****.....You have a condition of the mind that is frankly deadly if it is not arrested...and people should be more compassionate toward you "US" and If they can't...I have to look at it like it is THEIR problem...they are the sad people.

I don't have to run around apologizing to everyone I "wronged" just because I drank alcohol....everyone should be practicing those types of healings....with relationships and harsh words, feelings and actions....not just the alcoholic...My Mother is a really horrible person I could tell you stories but no one wants to hear it...but the bottom line is she has done really messed up **** and she doesn't drink alcohol.....and she will never apologize to a soul.

So build yourself up that you recognize you may have caused some pain and you may be willing to make amends or just not drinking alcohol may be enough amends for some of the people we hurt in our lifetime...But don't DWELL on the fact that you are a "bad person" because if you do that...you can convince yourself that you are a bad person. Think of the positives you do...how strong you are for fighting a debilitating condition....

And if you fall and drink again...Oh well you are human...and hopefully if you do....you can stop again and always just continue to do the best you can....your human...like everyone else.

D122y

Even as clean as I am I still don't fully trust my emotions.

I try to error on the side of biting my tongue. Nothing good comes to me when I vent, or worse, in anger or rage.

I recently told my kid that rage serves no purpose in civilized society.

i meant it. I was fueled by rage many times while i was actively addicted. Those memories are some of my deepest regrets. I hold no Ill will to those I attacked. I forgive them for never being able to fully trust me. After all, I was a very mentally sick person. I appreciate any forgiveness they can muster.

Today some rage began to well up in me. Something my boss was doing made me just want to give him the horns. Thanks to God, I just took a deep breath and let it go. My boss is very smart and he tends to operate on a different wavelength than me.

Hope this helps you in some way.

Thanks.

Buttery

Shouldn’t beat your self down.

yes our behaviour distorts our mental reality and our reactions when under the influence can be hurtful to ourselves and others. Just remember that a large proportion of recovered addicts will go above and beyond to help others.

I spend a lot of time saying sorry for my past but the fact is that there were people who actually wronged me and I will never get an apology as it is always the addicts fault.

We never made an active decision to develop a problem. It happens without you realising and is very hard to get control once it has a grip on you. Non addicts don’t understand the overwhelming feelings that drive you to it.

I would just ignore the online comments from people who have no experience with it and yet have enough time to express how awful they think we are. Chances are if they are spending time commenting on other people’s lives that they must have a very sheltered sad little life of their own and nothing to do. If you need some positive people in your life go to any AA meeting where you will usually find a room full of people trying to do their best to be better and will not usually look down their noses. More likely to offer you a cup of tea, listen to your problems and make you realise that we are all human no matter age, gender or social background.

Gabe1980

I am sorry you ended up feeling like that........this is a really difficult thing we are doing and I honestly believe we can make a living amends to people and to the world by who we choose to become. It's easy for other people to judge, who have never been here.

One thing I would say.....I've learned that all that shame breeds in secrecy and that's what will feed back into your thinking, and your addiction. Find someone to talk to, to share with. I went to a counsellor and it helped me immensely. That feeling of being humiliated is tied into all that shame. PM is you would like to talk. Be kind to yourself.....you really do deserve it.

Gabe1980

How are you doing PK? Are you ding OK? Thinking about you

prettiekittie

Yes, I am OK today, thank you for asking. The self loathing comes in waves and I'm really having a struggle with feeling isolated. Some of that might be the lockdown.

I keep thinking back to little things that friends of mine have said and just wondering what they think of the value of my life, etc. I know it isn't any of my business but it stings. At a party once someone commented that at least Dolores O'Riordan died doing what she loved and it just stings. Today I'm going to chalk it up to early sobriety and low self esteem.

Really though, thank you for asking. Having a place to get it all out really helps. My communities are so helpful.

Splash29

I think your brave, kitties, to be working through this.

Steely

You've got a great wavelength D122y. ^^^^

The shame still arises for me but am finding that as my days of abstinence (freedom) extend I am more able to forgive myself. And not just forgiveness of myself, but a strength that says, no-one will ever put me down (again) for doing good.

You are doing great. You have pride now, and it will grow.

Turkeys - nil

Gabe1980

Hey PK. Good to hear from you. That stuff that comes up is really hard and a challenge not to dwell on. I've driven myself crazy about certain comments or memories that get lodged in my brain, waiting to pounce the minute I stopped drinking. I just try and be kind to myself and remember that I am only a human being. Not a bad person just a fallible one that has made mistakes.....what counts is that we are trying to make ourselves better in the face of a really difficult challenge. We'll do it together....Gabe x

I had to edit this because I had written made 'mistake' .......not just the one, lots and lots!

HereNow44

I feel like a little dose of shame can motivate us to not repeat destructive behavior. But any more than a little, is cruel to ourselves and pointless and likely to drive us right back to a bad place. Shame is a tremendously painful emotion. It isolates us and keeps us trapped in secrecy and pain.

I think even under the best of circumstances, one should avoid reading the comments section of pretty much anything. Save yourself and don't read them. There are a lot of very toxic cowards out there who get their kicks anonymously devastating other people just for fun.

Be gentle with yourself, and protect yourself from the meaningless cruelty of others.

Wastinglife

I have been so destructive in every way. The last decade has been a blur. Shame never leaves me. I can't remember a single event that gives the shame. It's everything. The entire decade.


If a person can't remember how many times they've been arrested by police, that is quite shameful. Family and friends have distance themselves sometimes. My own immediate family being the most distant. I have a morbid fascination with celebrities who committed suicide. I think is just ideation but I am a risk in the future I'm sure.