Be nice to yourself, but think deeply and suffer. It's good for you. Is it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Be nice to yourself, but think deeply and suffer. It's good for you. Is it?
I have trouble admitting to myself that it's ok to have emotions. I often treat myself like a machine and forge ahead. I think it started when I was a kid. The first time I remember was when I lost my mom. My dad and I just had to carry on. Always carry on.
Recovering from recent drug use brings up emotions from such a wide time period. My doctor says to be kind to myself. To feel and know it's ok. Today I feel a little angry that becoming healthy requires such work and pain.
I try to keep a positive attitude, and now my doctor has asked me to try dropping that, and to look deeper and admit my frustrations and pain.
I'm feeling exhausted with all his stupid suggestions. Physically tired.
How can I be kind to myself yet look deeply and admit frustration, pain and anger?
I feel like deleting this, but I wont. Can anyone understand any of this?
Recovering from recent drug use brings up emotions from such a wide time period. My doctor says to be kind to myself. To feel and know it's ok. Today I feel a little angry that becoming healthy requires such work and pain.
I try to keep a positive attitude, and now my doctor has asked me to try dropping that, and to look deeper and admit my frustrations and pain.
I'm feeling exhausted with all his stupid suggestions. Physically tired.
How can I be kind to myself yet look deeply and admit frustration, pain and anger?
I feel like deleting this, but I wont. Can anyone understand any of this?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Yes
The positive-attitude-no-matter-what is like a scab, or even scar tissue, that covers the pain and anger drinking buried.
When you get sober for awhile, it pushes up because it needs to drain, and not acknowledging or feeling it keeps you from healing. Trying to stay positive is an attempt at control that stalls your progress.
I let mine out a little at a time. Crying or screaming out in Nature, or in the shower. Journaling all of it and then burning the pages. Hitting a heavy bag or chopping wood. Digging a garden bed by hand and channeling my feelings into the work to ground out.
It is very hard but hugely feeing Lines—
The positive-attitude-no-matter-what is like a scab, or even scar tissue, that covers the pain and anger drinking buried.
When you get sober for awhile, it pushes up because it needs to drain, and not acknowledging or feeling it keeps you from healing. Trying to stay positive is an attempt at control that stalls your progress.
I let mine out a little at a time. Crying or screaming out in Nature, or in the shower. Journaling all of it and then burning the pages. Hitting a heavy bag or chopping wood. Digging a garden bed by hand and channeling my feelings into the work to ground out.
It is very hard but hugely feeing Lines—
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I relate. Very much. Processing feelings is not my strong point. And deep old wounds are better left untouched....for me. I know many have the ability to process deep trauma. I lack that ability.
So its finding that balance between chin up, stiff upper lip and allowing feelings in a healthy way. I find that learning to deal with the new day to day stuff makes it easier to start marrying the cognitive with the feeling side of me. I don't know if that makes any sense. But too much feeling? Living in my feelings? No bueno. Because there is no doubt, my feelings are usually not very accurate barometers of reality.
Old pain? I let it out slowly and carefully.
So its finding that balance between chin up, stiff upper lip and allowing feelings in a healthy way. I find that learning to deal with the new day to day stuff makes it easier to start marrying the cognitive with the feeling side of me. I don't know if that makes any sense. But too much feeling? Living in my feelings? No bueno. Because there is no doubt, my feelings are usually not very accurate barometers of reality.
Old pain? I let it out slowly and carefully.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
This, for me, was the hardest part of recovery. I didn't want to look at all the underlying issues that had built up in me. But, I had to do it. My suggestion is to be kind to yourself by going slowly, just delving in a bit at a time, and stopping when it hurts too much. But, also be kind to yourself by doing the digging. Because it's essential. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2020
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by Lines 
I have trouble admitting to myself that it's ok to have emotions. I often treat myself like a machine and forge ahead. I think it started when I was a kid. The first time I remember was when I lost my mom. My dad and I just had to carry on. Always carry on.
Recovering from recent drug use brings up emotions from such a wide time period. My doctor says to be kind to myself. To feel and know it's ok. Today I feel a little angry that becoming healthy requires such work and pain.
I try to keep a positive attitude, and now my doctor has asked me to try dropping that, and to look deeper and admit my frustrations and pain.
I'm feeling exhausted with all his stupid suggestions. Physically tired.
How can I be kind to myself yet look deeply and admit frustration, pain and anger?
I feel like deleting this, but I wont. Can anyone understand any of this?
Recovering from recent drug use brings up emotions from such a wide time period. My doctor says to be kind to myself. To feel and know it's ok. Today I feel a little angry that becoming healthy requires such work and pain.
I try to keep a positive attitude, and now my doctor has asked me to try dropping that, and to look deeper and admit my frustrations and pain.
I'm feeling exhausted with all his stupid suggestions. Physically tired.
How can I be kind to myself yet look deeply and admit frustration, pain and anger?
I feel like deleting this, but I wont. Can anyone understand any of this?
how long have you been sober for may I ask?
im the partner of someone who I think is going through what you are now. So it’s actually nice to hear the other side of the fence as he has pushed my away whilst going through this alone and with no help. Did you initially have no feelings and emotions and then they started to come back with mementoes? X
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 652
Yeah, I hear you Lines.
I am pretty hardline with myself, pull your socks up and put your best foot forward is my way. I have a mental tennis bat that I use to swipe away and unbidden thoughts & feelings that arise. It sure is a roller coaster huh? It is early days though so I wonder if 'allowing' the feelings might be enough right now? Perhaps we can leave the digging until later? If we continue to stay well then we have time on our side to deal with unresolved stuff. That's just my thoughts though, slowly, slowly wins the race.
Whatever, it sounds as though you are doing great and like you have a good doctor rooting for you. That right there is a precious thing. We all need someone that has got our back.
I am pretty hardline with myself, pull your socks up and put your best foot forward is my way. I have a mental tennis bat that I use to swipe away and unbidden thoughts & feelings that arise. It sure is a roller coaster huh? It is early days though so I wonder if 'allowing' the feelings might be enough right now? Perhaps we can leave the digging until later? If we continue to stay well then we have time on our side to deal with unresolved stuff. That's just my thoughts though, slowly, slowly wins the race.
Whatever, it sounds as though you are doing great and like you have a good doctor rooting for you. That right there is a precious thing. We all need someone that has got our back.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
I think probably many that use substances to numb are like you...I know I am and seems like posters above are. My input is...just keep going to therapy....I love that you posted when you didn't want to....that right there is letting some of your grief and emotion show....I loved when you said "I'm feeling exhausted with all his stupid suggestions" I'm sorry but I can't stop laughing at this...probably because I can IDENTIFY with this so much.....but I keep going...
It helps US to have these rooms but it also helps us a great deal to have to deal with a "real" person and their "stupid" suggestions....
It helps US to have these rooms but it also helps us a great deal to have to deal with a "real" person and their "stupid" suggestions....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think you can be angry and upset and sad and all those things - even feel negative - and still be kind to yourself.
You can feel those things - but you can let them go too, and not let them or you fester.
How? I relax with favourite TV shows movies or music. I use exercise a lot, I try to put myself in the other persons shoes. I count my blessings, I ask myself does this really matter (sometimes it does, often not) I help others....and some times even tho I was bought up with a granite block kind of manliness, I cry.
The most anyone can ask of us (including us asking of ourselves) is our best.
My best today may be miles below what it was yesterday or miles above.
Like I said to someone else in a thread like this recently- be where your hands are.
D
You can feel those things - but you can let them go too, and not let them or you fester.
How? I relax with favourite TV shows movies or music. I use exercise a lot, I try to put myself in the other persons shoes. I count my blessings, I ask myself does this really matter (sometimes it does, often not) I help others....and some times even tho I was bought up with a granite block kind of manliness, I cry.
The most anyone can ask of us (including us asking of ourselves) is our best.
My best today may be miles below what it was yesterday or miles above.
Like I said to someone else in a thread like this recently- be where your hands are.
D
luring sobriety this way with my lucky charm
Join Date: Mar 2020
Location: California
Posts: 738
I don't know if you're open to trying meditation, but loving-kindness meditations are out there in various lengths and forms, including YouTube . Shorter ones help you feel love for yourself and others, and longer ones do that, plus include a mantra and involve forgiving someone who you don't like or someone who hurt you.
I think exercise or physical work are good ways to release tension or stress, and hot baths or showers can help if you feel overwhelmed or sad.
Sometimes I listen to loud music, clean and bang around if I'm angry or feel a need to assert myself. Also taking deep breaths and letting them out vocally - in a loud sigh or a wordless shout can help.
Music helps me process things sometimes, I started crying a few days ago over a song, and I let myself cry. Sometimes that can be over a long-ago relationship, a current feeling of loneliness, a regret, or even a death of a loved one from childhood. Sometimes you just have to let it out, and it doesn't mean something is wrong with you if you cry over a past event if you don't necessarily have anything in your present life to cry about. Crying releases emotional toxins and can help you move forward.
Here are also some meditations on self-compassion. It's called RAIN - Recognize, Acknowledge, Investigate and Nurture. It means you can recognize you're angry-sad-afraid-whatever, acknowledge the feelings as being allowed to exist, investigate the source of your feelings, and nurture that place in yourself.
https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation...lf-compassion/
I think exercise or physical work are good ways to release tension or stress, and hot baths or showers can help if you feel overwhelmed or sad.
Sometimes I listen to loud music, clean and bang around if I'm angry or feel a need to assert myself. Also taking deep breaths and letting them out vocally - in a loud sigh or a wordless shout can help.
Music helps me process things sometimes, I started crying a few days ago over a song, and I let myself cry. Sometimes that can be over a long-ago relationship, a current feeling of loneliness, a regret, or even a death of a loved one from childhood. Sometimes you just have to let it out, and it doesn't mean something is wrong with you if you cry over a past event if you don't necessarily have anything in your present life to cry about. Crying releases emotional toxins and can help you move forward.
Here are also some meditations on self-compassion. It's called RAIN - Recognize, Acknowledge, Investigate and Nurture. It means you can recognize you're angry-sad-afraid-whatever, acknowledge the feelings as being allowed to exist, investigate the source of your feelings, and nurture that place in yourself.
https://www.tarabrach.com/meditation...lf-compassion/
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
What he said:
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
—Rumi
The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
Still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
—Rumi
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
I am grateful for the challenges of early recovery, because without the epic struggle there is no triumph. It takes courage, and we all have it if we allow. A numb life, head in the sand, is one of darkness without fresh air.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I was up and down and definitely felt anger, despair, frustration, all kinds of "bad =" stuff. First, that's normal and it will pass - it takes time
I suggest a few things - the book Living Sober is about the first year. Easy read, on Amazon and In tink you will find it totally relatable. Also, go to digital-dharma.net/PAWS. It describes what alcohol does to us in pretty much every way. Your case may not go along or be as serious as mine was, but seek familiarly with what's being talked about in the piece.
And know that no one here will judge and I'd bet you has gone thru anything you can share. Keep going- it gets better.
I suggest a few things - the book Living Sober is about the first year. Easy read, on Amazon and In tink you will find it totally relatable. Also, go to digital-dharma.net/PAWS. It describes what alcohol does to us in pretty much every way. Your case may not go along or be as serious as mine was, but seek familiarly with what's being talked about in the piece.
And know that no one here will judge and I'd bet you has gone thru anything you can share. Keep going- it gets better.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
The Rumi poem is brilliant, zero. Thanks for that.
I have real problems getting at my true feelings. Not sure why, maybe it started as a kid. I also have a "pull up your socks" and keep going, stiff upper lip sort of mentality. I can TALK about things that are happening, and sort of pretend to have real emotions, and maybe flirt with those deep feelings a little, but I get scared and pull back when the really deep feelings start to emerge.
I wish I could be more open to the feelings. Sometimes I can. Maybe I'm too old and set in my ways.
I do think you can feel the feelings and be kind to yourself at the same time. Digging around in the past isn't fun. I remember doing my 4th and 5th step and how difficult and painful that was. I took my time doing it, because I needed breathers or it would have been overwhelming. And I probably left stuff out on purpose, because some of it was too hard to deal with at the time (5 years ago).
Others above have made great suggestions about how to be kind to yourself and still et at what's eating you. I will look it over again and possibly be able to apply some of it to myself.
I have real problems getting at my true feelings. Not sure why, maybe it started as a kid. I also have a "pull up your socks" and keep going, stiff upper lip sort of mentality. I can TALK about things that are happening, and sort of pretend to have real emotions, and maybe flirt with those deep feelings a little, but I get scared and pull back when the really deep feelings start to emerge.
I wish I could be more open to the feelings. Sometimes I can. Maybe I'm too old and set in my ways.
I do think you can feel the feelings and be kind to yourself at the same time. Digging around in the past isn't fun. I remember doing my 4th and 5th step and how difficult and painful that was. I took my time doing it, because I needed breathers or it would have been overwhelming. And I probably left stuff out on purpose, because some of it was too hard to deal with at the time (5 years ago).
Others above have made great suggestions about how to be kind to yourself and still et at what's eating you. I will look it over again and possibly be able to apply some of it to myself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Getting to what is eating away at me is being kind to me because it is the healthiest way stop the harm and begin healing.
Being kind is not always easy as it often requires courage and strength, but if I do it with compassion, I can reach the goal of ending the suffering and that is the ultimate kindness.
Being kind is not always easy as it often requires courage and strength, but if I do it with compassion, I can reach the goal of ending the suffering and that is the ultimate kindness.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by entropy1964
I relate. Very much. Processing feelings is not my strong point. And deep old wounds are better left untouched....for me. I know many have the ability to process deep trauma. I lack that ability.
So its finding that balance between chin up, stiff upper lip and allowing feelings in a healthy way. I find that learning to deal with the new day to day stuff makes it easier to start marrying the cognitive with the feeling side of me. I don't know if that makes any sense. But too much feeling? Living in my feelings? No bueno. Because there is no doubt, my feelings are usually not very accurate barometers of reality.
Old pain? I let it out slowly and carefully.
So its finding that balance between chin up, stiff upper lip and allowing feelings in a healthy way. I find that learning to deal with the new day to day stuff makes it easier to start marrying the cognitive with the feeling side of me. I don't know if that makes any sense. But too much feeling? Living in my feelings? No bueno. Because there is no doubt, my feelings are usually not very accurate barometers of reality.
Old pain? I let it out slowly and carefully.
This is partially where my problem lies. Great way to phrase it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
This is the thing. My use of cocaine has always been tied to underlying issues. View of self. Expectations of self. And wanting to reach my goals. Because of the way the drug affected me basically it was like SUPER EXTREME ENERGY, SOLID CONFIDENCE, BRILLIANT IDEAS, NO NEED TO SLEEP.. Part of the underlying issue has always been to push myself. And to never break. Its been about other things like feeling I was living in someone else's shadow and the need to find validation etc. The binge I had years ago on coke, alcohol, other drugs sent me into treatment and I dealt with so much stuff. I did become much more in tune with my emotions, but I lapsed back to singular vice of cocaine last year. And looking for the underlying reasons it comes back to not allowing myself to feel emotions, or to voice them? In a healthy way. To just keep moving and carry on. Why? Because whatever it is going on, you just carry on. I should be able to handle anything. It probably doesn't help because with my work I was trained to not be emotional, to handle any situation because there's always a best solution if your good enough to find it.
But then it's also weird because I believe in God and know many things are not mine to control or stress over. The doctor asked how I was feeling over the Corona Virus situation. I started talking about work and how it was affecting things, and how it would cause this and that.. The next steps. He said, but how are you feeling NOW. I said, happy to be off work so I can sort this all out. Happy I was able to get the break to stop the coke and deal with the depression, fatigue at home and not while working. Terrible tragedy but it is what it is, I cant control it so I just move forward to benefit from the situation. Your not anxious? No, not really. Once mayne when I saw how many people died in our city. Wondering who they were. If I know any of them.
prior to my lapse last year, my wife had a miscarriage after we finally decided to start a family.. I addressed her emotions and was worried about her because it was her body and she was so sad. I sugar coated my emotions. But I felt things like obviously I was going to be a crappy dad so God let this happen. And on and on. And then I threw myself into work . Took time off for my wife, but worked and didnt sleep. Also stopped my antidepressant and I dont know why. But still didnt think of cocaine, or crave it. But weeks later when it was offered to me at work for the 2nd time I took it. I was so tired.
clearly I still have issues with how I feel about myself. This lapse was for months and it had no damage. No one knew. But I ended up living mentally in the days of that binge and all that trauma. I'm still struggling with it. Although I haven't had another nightmare in a week.
Now I'm supposed to feel things. I am feeling things, but maybe not the right things? Apparently I'm not supposed to move on, nope have to feel things. Oh and figure out why I havent told my other accountability person. Why haven't I? Well that's part of the feelings I'm supposed to uncover.
Our cat was outside digging a hole today. I asked what she was looking for. How far down are you going to dig? Great gusto this digging. Searching.
But then it's also weird because I believe in God and know many things are not mine to control or stress over. The doctor asked how I was feeling over the Corona Virus situation. I started talking about work and how it was affecting things, and how it would cause this and that.. The next steps. He said, but how are you feeling NOW. I said, happy to be off work so I can sort this all out. Happy I was able to get the break to stop the coke and deal with the depression, fatigue at home and not while working. Terrible tragedy but it is what it is, I cant control it so I just move forward to benefit from the situation. Your not anxious? No, not really. Once mayne when I saw how many people died in our city. Wondering who they were. If I know any of them.
prior to my lapse last year, my wife had a miscarriage after we finally decided to start a family.. I addressed her emotions and was worried about her because it was her body and she was so sad. I sugar coated my emotions. But I felt things like obviously I was going to be a crappy dad so God let this happen. And on and on. And then I threw myself into work . Took time off for my wife, but worked and didnt sleep. Also stopped my antidepressant and I dont know why. But still didnt think of cocaine, or crave it. But weeks later when it was offered to me at work for the 2nd time I took it. I was so tired.
clearly I still have issues with how I feel about myself. This lapse was for months and it had no damage. No one knew. But I ended up living mentally in the days of that binge and all that trauma. I'm still struggling with it. Although I haven't had another nightmare in a week.
Now I'm supposed to feel things. I am feeling things, but maybe not the right things? Apparently I'm not supposed to move on, nope have to feel things. Oh and figure out why I havent told my other accountability person. Why haven't I? Well that's part of the feelings I'm supposed to uncover.
Our cat was outside digging a hole today. I asked what she was looking for. How far down are you going to dig? Great gusto this digging. Searching.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Originally Posted by Misssy2
I think probably many that use substances to numb are like you...I know I am and seems like posters above are. My input is...just keep going to therapy....I love that you posted when you didn't want to....that right there is letting some of your grief and emotion show....I loved when you said "I'm feeling exhausted with all his stupid suggestions" I'm sorry but I can't stop laughing at this...probably because I can IDENTIFY with this so much.....but I keep going...
It helps US to have these rooms but it also helps us a great deal to have to deal with a "real" person and their "stupid" suggestions....
It helps US to have these rooms but it also helps us a great deal to have to deal with a "real" person and their "stupid" suggestions....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Didnt reply to everyone, but I appreciate all the insights.
I also like Rumi. My wife introduced me to him. I've been reading again one of my favorite books Thoreau's - Walden.
I also meditate and have been doing a lot of things outdoors like just sitting outside and looking up at a sea of stars. Watched these frogs swimming across our little pond and making all their noises. Amazing how relaxing that was. While trying to remove young cat from tree, ended up actually examining how amazing the bark on a pine tree is. How long that tree has stood. Not exactly unwavering. It bends, but has never broke. I, on the other hand have broke, and healed, and am now with wound again.
I also like Rumi. My wife introduced me to him. I've been reading again one of my favorite books Thoreau's - Walden.
I also meditate and have been doing a lot of things outdoors like just sitting outside and looking up at a sea of stars. Watched these frogs swimming across our little pond and making all their noises. Amazing how relaxing that was. While trying to remove young cat from tree, ended up actually examining how amazing the bark on a pine tree is. How long that tree has stood. Not exactly unwavering. It bends, but has never broke. I, on the other hand have broke, and healed, and am now with wound again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 239
Thinking has helped. I believe what I need to do in order to process more feelings, and heal is to take action.
When I relapsed one of the things that kept me using was not sharing my feelings, not admitting I used, and more than that - not admitting I was dealing with a lot of emotions and stress before and after it happened.
I finally broke free by putting away the flashlight and shining a light on my behavior and my feelings. Told my wife. Told my Doctor. My long suffering negative expectations of their reactions was not validated. The burden was eased.
and now I know the next step is to reach out to the last person. I need the insight, wisdom, support. And even if there is anger, disappointment, or consequences stemming from it. I have to face it. Use it to grow. Tomorrow, in person. Maybe the safety of 'safe distance apart' will help during the conversation. I've not handled all this perfectly, but today is 5 weeks and I can now at least present this, along with the plan I've activated.
I think its helped to share and read everyone's feedback. And Steely...I saw you post somewhere about how being in the light is better. Yes, it is.
When I relapsed one of the things that kept me using was not sharing my feelings, not admitting I used, and more than that - not admitting I was dealing with a lot of emotions and stress before and after it happened.
I finally broke free by putting away the flashlight and shining a light on my behavior and my feelings. Told my wife. Told my Doctor. My long suffering negative expectations of their reactions was not validated. The burden was eased.
and now I know the next step is to reach out to the last person. I need the insight, wisdom, support. And even if there is anger, disappointment, or consequences stemming from it. I have to face it. Use it to grow. Tomorrow, in person. Maybe the safety of 'safe distance apart' will help during the conversation. I've not handled all this perfectly, but today is 5 weeks and I can now at least present this, along with the plan I've activated.
I think its helped to share and read everyone's feedback. And Steely...I saw you post somewhere about how being in the light is better. Yes, it is.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
